10 January 2020

“.” Baekhyun said with a broken voice. He lifted up his face and looked at Chanyeol with teary eyes.

“Let’s stop this, this is not marriage, Yeol. I hardly feel that I know you, up to the point that I think it is wrong to say that you are my husband.” Chanyeol looked at Baekhyun with expressionless eyes. Besides, what should he say? He never thought that this will happened. It’s Baekhyun, the one that grew up with him since he was five, the one that married with him when they both were twenty, the one that put up with his unfaithful encounters. Should he be happy now that he could have freedom? After all they were married too young, and these 6 years of marriage was like a proof, he cheated the last three years of his marriage with two different guys.

“Prepare a lawyer. I will send you a divorce form.” Baekhyun said and left him alone at their dining room where they have the talk. He let out a sigh, sure he didn’t love his husband anymore, but he always know that Baekhyun loves him, and him seeing his husband broke in front of him made him felt heavy hearted.

Chanyeol furrowed his eyebrows when Baekhyun drag two suitcases from their room, it means that Baekhyun was fully prepared before he asked for the talk. He cleared his throat and it successfully attracts Baekhyun’s attention. He stood up awkwardly and put his hands on his pocket.

“Just stay, I’ll be the one who leave.” He felt that him being a jerk throughout his marriage years was bad enough. He should be the one leaving, and at least let him stay at their apartment.

“No, you can keep it.” Baekhyun said firmly and continued to drag his suitcases and left the apartment. ‘You can even get Sehun to move in with you to our apartment.’ Baekhyun bitterly thought, his heart clenched painfully but he reminds himself that the divorce was for a greater good.

Baekhyun decided to forbid himself to dwell on his upcoming divorce, he instead promised himself to focus on self-discover. He and Chanyeol were together for as long as Baekhyun could remember, it was since they were five, they did everything together and they compromise when they have different hobbies and ideas, it’s resulting them to have a same habits; as if they are the same individual, but it’s not Baekhyun. It’s Chanyeol’s Baekhyun, now he wants to be Baekhyun, Baekhyun, if it makes sense at all.

Baekhyun started to list down things that he wished he did but never did because Chanyeol hates it when he does. Like going to vintage shops, because Chanyeol hates when he has to buy ridiculously high price for old stuff, riding a bicycle, because Chanyeol hates cardio and persuade him to hit the gym instead, going to more musicals because Baekhyun likes to be immersed on the heightened emotions that musicals carry, it felt almost magical for him but he didn’t really watch it because Chanyeol hates how fake it seems. ‘Are you able to sing that high note when you are broken hearted?’ or ‘Are you really able to think of a music in your head when you first saw your true love? And how can you know it’s your true love!’ Chanyeol once asked and Baekhyun remembered retorted back with ‘ you, let me enjoy my musical.’ But the annoying Yoda man kept on mocking the musical and Baekhyun compromise, he watched concert and movies with Chanyeol, but never musical.

He would start to eat spicy stuff and went on famous restaurant known by its spicy dishes. He missed of the feeling that his lips added some volume and numb after eating spicy food. He also wished to hit the club as a single man because he was in relationship with Chanyeol as soon as he reached puberty, maybe he could also smoke and drink as much as he wants at the club. He used to smoke, but Chanyeol hate it and angry when he smoked, so he quit on the first week he tried smoking, he also never went to the club without Chanyeol because his husband always forbids. Because now, he could use some freedom. Continuing listing down trivial matters that he wants to do brought excitement within himself, then the last thing he wrote down made him smile bitterly, because he didn’t know when will he be able to do it, but he wants to.

‘Online dating apps, and blind dates.’ Because of course, he never does both, he’s Chanyeol’s Baekhyun. Always. But now, not anymore.

Chanyeol was ecstatic and instantly the next day after his husband wanting a divorce. He straightly told his boyfriend, Sehun and tell him about his divorce. They now agree to move to Sehun’s apartment. This was what he always wanted, having more liberty with his wonderful boyfriend. Sehun was different from Baekhyun, he is exciting, his life motto was ‘ it, we live only once, feel what you want to feel, do what you want to do, live without regret, after all we are going to be forever love, sad, happy in this live.’ True to his words, he enchanted Chanyeol, because he and Baekhyun are too cautious. Baekhyun were even more so, his husband always the wise one between them both.

Sehun was like a flame, that he wants to play along with, which excite him every time he touched. ‘Will it hurt me this time?’ ‘Can I conquer this flame?’ And Baekhyun was, Baekhyun. He’s a safe haven, the one which made him comfortable, the one who was always there for Chanyeol. He was actually never thought that Baekhyun will be able to leave him. He was always Chanyeol’s Baekhyun, well, not anymore, but it shouldn’t have mattered, right? People have to step out from their safe zone. Baekhyun was safe zone, and now he’s stepping out. And Chanyeol satisfied on the step that he took. Or so he thought.

15 April 2020

Baekhyun has done a great deal of a job on distracting himself and it worked. A week after he shut himself out, hiding himself in a hotel; he came out with new resolution, to be the Baekhyun, Baekhyun. He was thinking of a friend to crash and help him to find himself, the one that won’t blabber to Chanyeol because their friends are mostly the same, they grew up together, after all. So, he racked his brain and chose Kai.

Kai, was wild, and enticing, he lived a totally different life than Baekhyun, though he was always envious of the way his friend was living his life, he couldn’t even contact with Kai freely, because Chanyeol never like Kai, he was too wild for Baekhyun, he afraid Kai will be a bad influence. So even though Kai was his friend, he was never Chanyeol’s. And Chanyeol were gone from his life, and so with Chanyeol and just get on to it. He wanted to live at the wild side.

Kai made him do crazy things, like a makeover, first, he made him wear a grey contact lens. Which actually made Baekhyun grimace, he never tried contact lens, it never crossed his mind even once, and why should it be grey? How if he looked like a sorceress by it? Kai coax him into it and when he tried, he felt weird, he exerted different vibe, which he didn’t know good or bad.

Second, Kai dragged him to shop for outfits. Baekhyun felt fine, he has a great selection of comfortable oversized shirt and pants, which some of them he couldn’t remember was his or Chanyeol’s because they always share, but it didn’t matter, everything he took out from the apartment, he claimed it as his. But Kai glared at him on his statement.

“You look like a lazy nerd, well, some could do because it seems like hip hop-ish, but most of it makes you look soft.”

“But I am a lazy nerd. I look fine.”

“No, I’ll make you look hot.” Kai gave him a resolute promise and Baekhyun found himself on having to buy four jeans, a black ripped jeans, a washed denim jeans, a black skinny leather jeans and another blue ripped jeans. Every jeans that he bought were his size, it’s hugging his curves so well that he grimace at the stuffy feeling, but Kai encourage him by patting his shoulder a few time and smile in satisfaction.

“You looked hot in this, see, why do you always hide this cute peach.” Kai said and spanked his which he just glared and muttered ‘’ to him.

Next one, Kai also dragged him to gym every time he has a gym session. Baekhyun hated this so much, he never felt bad about himself, he loved himself just fine. But Kai always make sure to point out his bad part and kind of body shame him.

“Come on Baek, I know your man s were quite good, but the staring down below to the floor. You know why? Because it’s not tight, there’s no muscle.” He said and it. The smaller slapped his hand and scowled.

“Seriously, let’s lift your pects so your at least could see in front, not down below to the floor. And I know your and legs are y, but Baek, it’s flabby.” He said and played with it, creating a wave like motion. Which made Baekhyun’s face reddened, he made him feel bad about his body, he didn’t know if he felt more embarrassed or mad, well, maybe both. So, he said yes again for the idea.

Baekhyun was working as a freelance graphic designer, he didn’t really have any fixed schedule as long as he could finish the deadline, all is fine, he worked fully from home. He always feels that it was fortunate, because he was a homebody, but now, he was not sure if it is a good thing. Kai was a model and has a lot of free time, and, he always knows Baekhyun also had plenty of time, because they live together. So, now, every time he has a spare time, Kai always dragged him to work out, or shopping, or whatever he has to put up. The latest thing Kai persuade him to do was dyeing his hair. Baekhyun slapped Kai’s head playfully when he suggested the idea.

“head, I’m not a model. Leave it be.” Baekhyun said expressionless, but deep down inside his heart, he could hear his inner self hoping Kai will drop it.  Because Chanyeol loved his hair.

“Baek, I love your hair, it’s originally pitch black like a sky, it’s also soft and bouncy. Promise me to never dye it.” Chanyeol once said and pecking his crown while caressing his nape. No matter how he wanted to move on from Chanyeol, but breaking promises just felt wrong. He pouted.

“Come on, it’s ing boring, just dye it. Blue or Red will look wonderful on you. Or should we dye both?” Kai asked mischievously. Baekhyun slapped his head harder.

“You’ll make me as if I’m a Korean flag, .” And Kai just laughed.

“Come on, I’m a model, I know what looks good on people. I don’t take a no. Choose between blue, red or purple.” Baekhyun’s heart ran wild, well he wanted to object, but it means he has to tell Kai why he objected, and Kai will give him those sympathetic eyes, and gave him a lecture to move on because Chanyeol’s an . So, no, he ran out of reason. He put his hand to his heart and caress it softly. ‘It’s all fine, Chanyeol will never come back. The promise means nothing. It’s fine, Baek. It’s fine.’ He said to himself and he nodded nonchalantly.

“Red.” He said and Kai gave him a Cheshire like grinned, truly creepy and he hugged Baekhyun, well, actually he nearly squeezed Baekhyun to death.

“You won’t ing regret.” Kai said and they did the deed several days after.

Red compliments Baekhyun very well. Kai said he looked like an incubus now, and Baekhyun, even though he tried to object, he couldn’t help but agreed, because when he saw himself on the mirror, seeing the new him, he was amazed himself. Was he always this pretty? He chuckled, feeling satisfied with the makeover.

Within the three months, it was safe to say that Baekhyun attained what he wants. He didn’t recognize Chanyeol’s Baekhyun anymore. Now he is Baekhyun, Baekhyun, with the new hair, eyes and wardrobe, and also with his somehow fitter and leaner body, he looked nothing like the boring and plain Chanyeol’s Baekhyun. Even if he was not sure that he was over his husband already, but at least he enjoyed himself. Being single was not hard. It was actually simple; he only has to think about himself. He didn’t have to think if Chanyeol will agree, or disagree, if Chanyeol will hate it or not, if it will anger Chanyeol or not, seriously, it’s only him. Nights at the clubs proofs that his freedom was amazing. Smoking, being wasted, grinding to stranger, dancing till his hips felt sore, and kissing, God, he never kissed anyone besides Chanyeol, and experiencing all this made him giddy. Now, he just will do whatever makes him happy, there’s no Chanyeol and his life was not over. He treated it as a new beginning.

For Chanyeol, these three months were too peaceful, it was new for being domestic for any other person besides Baekhyun. Now he discovers a lot of things about his younger boyfriend, like how he doesn’t really tidy up the house, which they have to play rock, paper, scissors when they want to tidy things up because apparently, Chanyeol was not neat himself. Or how the younger always tugs the blanket to himself and rolled into a cocoon left Chanyeol bare to the cold night air, or how he is so sassy and difficult to handle, always demand things in the most bratty ways but always give in to his dog, and many more, but he was still intrigue with Sehun, he was an interesting man, he never bore him.

Nothing really changed for Chanyeol in these three months, he just learnt more about his new partner and that’s it, he’s happy. Sometimes he would remember Baekhyun, and he was concerned if Baekhyun was okay, if he could cope with the divorce, but when he thought about it, he stopped and assured himself that all is okay, after all Baekhyun was the one which initiate the divorce. But sometimes, he also felt the itch to ask around for Baekhyun’s well-being. Well they have a same main friends circle, but he was too scared to reach out to their friends, he felt that his friends will side with Baekhyun and beat him up. But a few days ago, a weird occurrence happened. Yixing was casually asking him out to get together with their circle in the regular bar, and of course he’s going because it’s also has been a long time since, and low key he also wanted to check on his ex-husband.

It was a surprise for both Chanyeol and their friends when Chanyeol arrived. For Chanyeol who already anticipate his ex-husband’s appearance but seen none, and their friends which hugged him and asked where Baekhyun was. Then it struck to Chanyeol that their friends are not inviting Baekhyun because they thought Chanyeol’s still a package with him. In conclusion, Baekhyun didn’t tell about the breakups to any of their close friend, he’s pulling the same move as Chanyeol did. Why though? He thought Baekhyun will need to channel up his sadness, so where did his ex-husband confide to?

Despite feeling like a total jerk, he was still forced to talk about his breakup over beers. He didn’t try to defend himself much because he knows it will be futile and he knows his friends always secretly judged him over his treatment to Baekhyun. To put it simply, he just said that Baekhyun break him off, because he knew that he was caught red handed on chatting with his current boyfriend and it seems Baekhyun just gave up and decided to ended their marriage.

“Wow, Chanyeol-ah, you really feel nothing that Baekhyun’s really gone now?” Xiumin asked him without any sarcastic voice laced on that voice and he was grateful.

“Well, concerned, I guess? Because I thought he will seek and tell you guys about this, but none of you know anything, so where the hell is he?” Chanyeol frowned and massaged his head.

“Maybe this time he has someone too? You are not the only one who could cheat right?” Kyungsoo said and of course you can detect bitterness on his voice, he was one of the closest to Baekhyun after all. But what Kyungsoo said truly never cross Chanyeol’s mind. He coughed on his beers and their friends grimaced upon seeing him.

“Baekhyunie?” Chanyeol asked in a nervously high pitched. Nobody answers and it left Chanyeol to wonders

“Damn, should I have known this will happen, I will try to snatch him from you.” Yixing said with his Korean which still slightly Chinese accented. Chanyeol eyes widened in disbelief.

“You? I mean.. Baekhyunnie?” Chanyeol asked, and he saw some of his friends snickered, it makes him feeling somehow unsettling.

“You think he stayed with you because nobody wants him? He is attractive, jerk.” Kyungsoo said and gave him a piercing stare.

“Yea.. I mean the plump lips and the pointy nose.” Xiumin said.

“Like.. the adorable small figure.” Junmyeon said.

“And the .” Yixing said and he added a whistle, making him sounded like a ert and Chanyeol was not familiar with this setting. He looked at his friends back and forth, feeling his heart felt a weird sensation.

“Why.. do I never know that you guys see B.. Baek like that?” Chanyeol asked, stuttered, because he really didn’t expect this, this was too shocking for him.

“Because it’s not ethical to say all those stuff in front of you, dimwit. Was it even possible for us to said those kinds of stuff to Irene when Junmyeon’s here?”

“Hey, hey, don’t drag my wife’s name into the conversation.” Junmyeon lightly chuckled but then he added. “But yeah, even though I’m super straight, but Baek is just too adorable, Yeol.”

Chanyeol sighed heavily. ‘Just where the is Baekhyun’. He thought, he was getting concerned and restless. But he couldn’t show it ever to his friend. He was only an ex-husband after all.

From: Kyungsoo

Hey, are you okay?

Baekhyun was now wondering why a simple message of an ‘are you okay?’ Could stirred his feelings. Well maybe because of the guilt? He tried to defend himself. It must be because of the guilt, of him not telling his best friend about his split with Chanyeol and about the new life that he led on. Instead of replying an answer, which he didn’t really sure if he was really okay, he asked Kyungsoo to meet that very evening. He supposedly meeting him alone, but Kai, who has some leisure time at the moment, asked him to go together and he just sighed and let him, he hoped that Kyungsoo was okay with it.

“Hey, am I okay?” Baekhyun asked vulnerably to Kai. Even with his fiery red hair, hesitant could still be felt upon seeing his stance.

“You’re okay, come on, you’re fine, these three months you don’t even cry for your bastard ex-husband. You live your life just fine. You don’t have to think if you are okay, Baek. Just live at the moment and stop thinking.” Kai said in an assuring way and patted his back. Baekhyun just laughed.

“Well, if it’s not that I don’t think about my ex-husband anymore, it just weirdly didn’t hurt that much anymore and I’m content with this new me.”

“That means you are okay, head.” Kai rolled his eyes and smacked his head.

“Thanks, .” Baekhyun smiled and slapped his chest rather hard.

Several hours later, they arrived at the chicken place that he and Kyungsoo liked. His friend seemed to be very shocked upon seeing Baekhyun current appearance. His eyes gone wide and his jaw went slack.

“Hey, don’t look at me as if you saw a freaking ghost.” Baekhyun said as he sat in front of Kyungsoo. Kai was elbowing him as he sat, as a signal of ‘you should have introduce me, before you lose the moment.’ In his eyes. Kyungsoo shook his head comically, trying to regain his composure.

“, Baek you are..”

“Different?” Baekhyun asked as he lift one of his brows.

“Hot? He’s hot like this. Not like the boring Baekhyun I know.” Kai scoffed and Baekhyun punched his arms. Kyungsoo then averted his gaze on the guy that he never sees before, he didn’t say anything, but Baekhyun could see a big question mark from his face alone.

“Kai. This is kai.” Baekhyun said and Kai offer his hand towards Kyungsoo, whom staring at Kai up and down. Kai gulped and cleared his throat, which seemingly awaken him from his thoughts.

“Oh, sorry, I’m Kyungsoo.” He extended his hand and shook Kai’s hand.

“I don’t expect this Baek. New boyfriend at last?” Kyungsoo smiled widely.

“Uh no, I don’t see this dickhead that way, we are friends, well, close friends.” Baekhyun said and Kai laughed.

“Seriously, Baek is not even my type.”

“Umm, so, why do you come together? I mean, I thought you are going to come alone, and here you are with the not-boyfriend.”

“I lived in his house because I thought living alone might be too depressing, he got nothing to do today, so he asked if he could tag along, I hope you didn’t mind.” Baekhyun explained and Kyungsoo just nod. “Oh, and by the way Kai is a model, he has been helping me a lot on my makeover, how’s it?” Baekhyun asked and gave Kyungsoo a smug smile.

“I almost didn’t recognize you. What the , I mean, red? Seriously? I never thought you can do that bold of a color; you never even die your hair.”

“Well, Chanyeol never let me, so..” Baekhyun shrugged. “But we are getting a divorce, I want to be me, like.. the me I could be but never be because of Yeol.” He then smiled at his friend.

“But yeah, Baek you look damn good. Are you okay though? With the whole ordeal?” Kyungsoo asked cautiously.

“Well, I don’t know. I mean I was with him my whole life and now we’re divorcing, you know? Like.. weird. But I don’t feel as sad as I thought I will be, I think I had enough.” He replied and Kai patted his back.

“Seriously, if Baek could have a boyfriend