It all started when I held myself back then from what I wanted; I didn’t think that it will affect my health as a human being. I wanted to be a strong independent person that everyone can rely on, but I guess everyone has their limits, right?? My mom has brain cancer, and my dad is an alcoholic/gambler. I wanted to live my life, but I couldn’t. why?? because I’ll feel like if I left all my responsibility behind me and moved along… I wanted happiness and satisfactory, so I got with a very kind, beautiful and intelligent person. I would wake up every day to that beautiful voice, telling me that it’s the next day already, the sun has risen so I have to wake up.

“you look good, sunshine. You want me to make you breakfast before you go to work?”

It’s just hard to leave him when he’s so attentive like that… can you stop being perfect??

“I’ll go to the hospital first. I don’t think I have time to eat, just make food for yourself and eat well, baek” I told him as I got up.

A lot of my friends told me to go to therapy to fix the problem, I told them that he’s my therapy…

He’s my everything.

Like every normal kid, I was born one day to live my life, but then my life just me and I don’t know what to do. My thoughts keep getting in the way, I wanted to fix everything and be normal again, but I didn’t know how to…

“you can’t just get into a relationship if you’re not okay, chanyeol! It’s not fair for him!” my friend jongdae once told me, as if I didn’t know that…

I wanted to be selfish for once, I wanted love and attention from someone, I wanted to be protected! It’s just that, I really don't desrve him.

“channie, do you want me to massage you? You look tense and tired, maybe a cup of warm milk would help too”

“yeolie, I heard that there’s a new movie dropping a week from now, lets go watch it together!”

“chanyeorie, did you see the new restaurant that opened down the street?! Let’s go there and eat, I’ll pay!!”

I don’t deserve him… I really don’t.

“did you pay your father’s bells yet??” my mother asked me as soon as she saw me walk in her room.

“not yet, I’ll pay I promise! I just got busy with a new project, but the pay is good, and it will cover all the expenses”

She sighed, as she clearly looked upset from what she heard, holding her breath to contain the anger.

“if it’s not for that scumbag who lives with you, you would’ve paid the bells ages ago!!”

I looked down, staring at my brand-new pair of shoes that he bought me.

“he’s holding you back, he’s not the one for you!”

I kept listening to her words, stinging my heart as it came out from .

“if only you listened to me and married yuna, but you never listen.”

“I’m disappointed!”

I walked through the hallway, looking at the ground as I tried to dry the tear pouring from my eyes.

You’re such a failure.

You’ve disappointed everyone in your life!

You’re a loser, you’ll never do anything right.

Just die, make everyone happy and just die!!

Voices kept screaming in my head as I walked through my apartment door. Can you stop?? Just leave me alone….

I know that I’m a failure and I keep making mistakes on daily basis, I know that I don’t deserve the happy people surrounding me… I know that I’m the problem and I should disappear and never come back!

But who’s going to pay the bells?? Who’s going to take care of my mom?!

“oh, you came back! I just prepared some te—” he stopped talking as soon as he saw me.

“chanyeol! What wrong??! Why are you cry??” he came rushing towards me as he held my face.

“who hurt you??!! Do you need to go to the hospital??”

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“let’s break up, Baekhyun”

He froze as soon as heard me say that.

“w-what are you talking a-about??”

I moved his hands away from my face and turned around from him, I can’t see this.

“let’s break up, I can’t be with you anymore.”

I stood in front of him, as my back faced him, so that I don’t have to see his face.

“w-why?”

I gulped nervously taking a deep breath as well.

There’s no holding back from this.

“I cheated on you; I can’t be with you anymore. I’ll move out in two days, and you can have this apartment all to yourself.” I told him, trying to contain my senses together.

I heard a sob coming from behind, from him.

“w-what ha-happened chan-nyeol?? Did I d-do something wr-ong?! W-was I not enough-gh??”

No, you’re more than enough. You’re too much for me, Baekhyun, and I can’t let you be here.

“I got bored.”

“with w-who??”

“with one of the nurses.”

I wanted to walk out from here. I wanted to disappear and never come back! An angel just got hurt and now he can’t fly away from the devil who broke his wings. The tears kept filling my eyes as I tried to blink them away, I’m not a victim here, I don’t deserve any type of relief! Sobs kept coming from him as he took in the news.

“wh-what’s her n-name??” he asked, through his sobs.

“Emily.”

“that’s a beautiful name, I hope she makes you happy”

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“happier than I ever did.”

Walking through the new apartment that I just bought.

Blood covering every corner of it as if a crime incident just happened there.

“yes, I’m insane! I’m crazy and useless”

I keep mumbling under my breath, as if it’s going to help my broken heart.

“I just lost my will to live, I can’t be here anymore”

“he’s gone! He’s not going to come back to me, he’s not here!”

He was my everything, and I just lost him! I couldn’t live with the guilt of not marring yuna, my mother is dying, and I have to make her happy. She didn’t want me to be with Baekhyun, so I had to leave him, but I made him sad…

“I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!!!” I screamed at the top of my lungs….

“I JUST WANNA DIE! WHY CAN’T I JUST DIE!!!!”

I grabbed one of the bottles that contained painkillers. This will do its job, I need to go. The pain that consumes me every day is killing me slowly. I just want to go please.

15 pills?? Nooo.

Was it 19 pills? Not even close.

Maybe it was 21 pills?! That can’t be it.

It doesn’t matter, because I took them, all of them.

It’s going to be okay, because I don’t have to see my father again, I don’t have to hear my mother’ voice again, I don’t have to marry yuna anymore, I don’t have to be an obstacle to everyone.

I don’t have to be an obstacle to him.

He’s perfect, I’m not.

He’s amazing, I’m not.

He’s above my league, I can’t compete.

He has to live, I don’t.

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“CHANYEOL!!”

Is this heaven?? Why do I hear his voice??! I’m not supposed to be in heaven, but that is his voice, and he’s an angel.

“CHANYEOL! CAN YOU HEAR ME??!!”

That is his voice! wish that I can see this beautiful angel once more, but everything is dark…

“PLEASE CHANYEOL, TALK TO ME”

“please chanyeol, don’t go away without me!! I need you…”

A whisper came, a plead to be precise.

But I’m already gone, angel…

And you should fly away now, as I’m not holding you back anymore.