“What’s going on with you these days, Dahyun-unnie?” Chaeyoung’s voice barely registers in Dahyun’s mind.  She is preoccupied with the other end of the table they are seated on.

“Nothing’s going on.” She mumbles in reply. She keeps her eyes fixed on Momo’s profile as she speaks animatedly to Jeongyeon and Nayeon. She watches the way she moves as the discussion becomes heated. The exaggerated head movements. The tilt of her eyebrows, creasing every now and then in the middle of her forehead. Her nostrils flaring ever so slightly when Nayeon adds something she didn’t quite agree with.

“You haven’t looked my way the whole time we’ve been sitting here. Not to mention your weird behaviour yesterday...”

It’s everything about Momo. All the little things. The creases that appear near when she smiles, the sound of her laugh, the perfect little lines under her eyes when her cheeks lift up, the tiny line of gum visible above her teeth when she grins big and wide. It all fascinates Dahyun. She even notices that her perfect ears rise up a little with the expression.

“Dahyun, you’re looking at her. You haven’t looked away.”

It’s like the air around Momo is just... warm. It feels like the rays of the sun early in the morning. Soft, gentle, warm and safe and Dahyun finds herself thinking of all the excuses in the world to stand up and move closer. Because despite the painful pounding in her chest, being close to Momo is her goal.  Even if all she is allowed is to be 30cm away. It doesn’t matter if she is never allowed any closer. She just wants to feel Momo’s warmth up close.

“You’re in love with her. Aren’t you?” Chaeyoung’s voice finally cuts through Dahyuns serenity. In an instant she feels as though a wall has been built between her and Momo. Separated. Cold.

Dahyun turns her head sharply to face Chaeyoung, who’s eyes seem to pierce through her own. There is a hint of annoyance on her face as she stares.

Dahyun tries to think of what to say in response, but her mind remains blank. Because she knows Chaeyoung is right. Dahyun is hopelessly in love with Hirai Momo... but she just can’t admit it out loud. She can’t even confirm it with a nod or a slow blink because that would also mean facing the reality of it all. And that reality is one that Dahyun has been avoiding for as long as she has known Momo. The reality that she has repressed over and over again.

“You’re an idol.” Chaeyoung whispered, leaning in and her features morphing into an expression of concern. She speaks out loud the fear that has plagued Dahyun since she felt the first loud beat of her heart in the presence of Momo.

More than anything, Dahyun is glad. Glad that Chaeyoung doesn’t seem to mind that she’s in love with her band mate. Glad that she doesn’t make a big deal about her feelings for another girl. Glad that she’s an idol because she knows that it would be impossible for Momo to love her back anyway.

“I know.” She replies with a sad smile. She fights her tears and turns away once again to face the other end of the table.

Momo laughs and the warmth is there again. Dahyun lets a smoke barrier form around reality and allows her mind to imagine a world where loving her unnie was okay. A world where her unnie would love her back.

It isn’t long after that Momo catches her eye. Her own eyes light up with a spark that Dahyun wishes means something more than it does.

“Dahyun-ah.” She calls and Dahyun falls in love with her again. The way that her own name runs off Momo’s tongue and trails to her ears is addictive.

She takes this call as excuse number one. Momo is calling me so I should move a little closer, so she knows that I’m listening to her.

Dahyun scrapes her chair across the floor to join the three girls at the end of the table, abandoning Chaeyoung entirely. She now sits right next to Jeongyeon. Only a single meter away from the warmth she so desperately craves.

“Dahyunie what do you think about chocolate ice cream?”

Dahyun barely registers Jeongyeon’s scoff from beside her or Nayeon’s glare.

“It’s unfair to ask Dahyun of all people for her opinion on chocolate ice cream.” Jeongyeon grumbles.

Dahyun can’t help the smile that lights up her features. Of course, Momo and the girls were having a heated discussion about ice cream flavours. Dahyun falls in love with Momo’s passion for the most mundane of subjects and her cheeky way of getting her way.

So Dahyun replies to Momo’s question, her love-struck stare at her unnie not going unnoticed by the girls who sat beside her and Chaeyoung who still say observing from the other end of the table.

“It’s the best flavour. What else am I going to say?”

Momo puffs her chest out in triumph and presses her lips into a thin line. An expression that screams: HA!

“Chocolate IS the best flavour end of story!” She slams her hands to the table and stands up.

“How about you ask Tzuyu, Momo.” Nayeon grumbles, glancing at Dahyun through the corner of her eyes.  “I’m sure you’d get a different response.”

“Whatever.” Momo glares and locks her eyes with Dahyun’s again. Her vision almost tunnels, but she holds herself together. “We know we’re right, huh?”

Dahyun just beams because she can’t help but beam at Momo. Especially when she’s looking right at her. Especially because Momo has told her once before in private that she loves Dahyun’s smile. Especially because she knows that when she smiles, Momo will smile in return and Momo’s smiles are everything.

The corner of Momo’s lips twitch up slightly and her eyes scrunch up and Dahyun knows that a smile is imminent. She opens as if to say something before Jeongyeon interrupts.

They both turn away to look at her when she speaks.

“God get a room you two.” She rolls her eyes and leans back in her chair. “Cut out the loving stares. I’ll need to bleach my eyes.”

Dahyun feels her body go cold. Her smile falters, and she forces out an awkward giggle.

I have to be more careful!

Momo laughs too and it’s enough to make her feel a little better as the warmth from her presence floats over and covers her like a blanket.

Dahyun dreams of Momo that night. She dreams of running and Momo. The feeling of heaving for air to fill her lungs, chasing the one she loved across the globe. It is exhilarating and frustrating at the same time. She never once gets close enough to touch Momo’s outstretched hand.

Maybe Dahyun dreams in metaphors.

“I had a talk with Nayeon-unnie last night.” Chaeyoung tells Dahyun in the bathroom as the brush their teeth together, getting ready for a long day of schedules ahead. She glances at Dahyun through the mirror, her eyes wary and the toothbrush handing out the right side of like a cigarette. “She asked me about you.”

Dahyun keeps her expression neutral, moving her own toothbrush in a steady rhythm across her teeth. She tries her hardest to appear nonchalant as she replies through a mouth of foaming toothpaste.

“What about me?” She leans over the sink and spits out the contents before rinsing thoroughly with water from the tap. She tries her very hardest to seem unbothered.

Chaeyoung pauses a moment longer before pulling the toothbrush from and looking toward her.

“She asked me if you were okay.”

Dahyun wipes with the back of her hand and looks at Chaeyoung directly.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That’s what I asked her.” She continues. “And she asked me if you had told me anything… strange lately.”

“And you didn’t say anything.” Dahyun says quickly, unable to keep up her unbothered guise. She wouldn’t know what the hell she would do if Chaeyoung tells the girls about her… secret. She intended it to be a secret FOREVER.

“Look,” Chaeyoung sighs and places a warm hand on her shoulder. “All I’m saying, is that everyone already knows. You don’t need to hide from us. None of us care.”

“It’s not about hiding from you guys.” Dahyun growls and pushes past. “It’s about hiding from Momo and the rest of the world because they care.”

She walks swiftly down the hall, trying to calm her racing heart, trying to stop the cold sweats that are breaking out on her neck and forehead, trying to remind herself that feeling Momo’s warmth from afar is worth it every second. But of course, she has to bump into someone and break her train of thought.

“Sorry.” She mutters and she steadies herself against the wall. She has bumped into Jihyo. Her expression is strange.

“Dahyun-ah.” She smiles a little. “Ready for today?”

There are a million different meanings behind her words. Dahyun knows it.

Are you feeling okay?

Nayeon told me about you yesterday. Is there something wrong?

Did you sleep well?

Do you need me to pull you out of anything you’re not comfortable with?

I’m here for you always, Dahyun-ah.

Jihyo is perceptive, empathetic and caring. That’s why they had voted her to be their leader. But Dahyun wishes with her whole body that Jihyo was none of those things right now.

“Yeah.”

Dahyun falls asleep in the car on the way to the studio. This time she dreams of Jihyo, Nayeon and Chaeyoung. Nayeon holds her left hand and Jihyo holds her right. They are pulling her out from an ocean. A body of water so vast and deep that Dahyun had no notion of the bottom, nor the ends. They are standing on a boat and pulling up with all their might, but to no avail. Chaeyoung holds fast to Dahyun’s legs. She s body downward, dragging dahyun with her.

You’re an idol.

Maybe if Dahyun dreamed in similes, things would be easier to decipher.

She drowns.

Dahyun gazes into her own eyes through the mirror she sits in front of. The makeup staff are putting the final touches on her eyes and mouth. Sana sits next to her and sighs, stretching her legs out and her arms up.

“I’m so tired!” She exclaims. “I wish I could have slept for just one more hour.” She seems to expect a reaction to this and when Dahyun provides none, she leans over and whispers in her ear.

“Dahyunie~” The lilt in her voice is cute. It reminds her a little of Momo’s whining when she’s upset. She and Momo spend so much time together, that it seems they’ve rubbed off on each other. When Dahyun’s thoughts run toward Momo, her body feels lighter and a ghost of a smile begins to form on her features. She shies away from Sana’s advances, squishing her ear against her shoulder to get rid of the tickles her breath had caused.

“What are you thinking about, Dubu?” Sana tries again, practically begging for Dahyun’s attention. When the makeup staff finish, she finally looks her unnie’s way. Sana is pouting, her bottom lip protruding out and her eyes glistening.

“You.” Dahyun answers with a grin.

It’s not entirely a lie.

“Are you worrying about the questions they might ask you today?” Sana ignores Dahyun’s flirty reply and she almost does a double take. Sana never ignored her when she said things like that.

“I guess…” Dahyun swallows.

She hears a sob from a connecting room, and almost swears that its Momo’s. But she’s always thinking of Momo and imagining Momo. So, she takes no notice.

“Are you worried about what happens tomorrow?” Sana continues to ask. When Dahyun looks closer, her eyes hold the same strange, empathetic hollowness that Jihyo’s had this morning.

“Tomorrow? What’s happening tomorrow?”

“Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe next week. Next month. Next year.”

“I don’t get what you’re trying to ask, Sana.”

It seems that it’s not only her dreams that speak to Dahyun cryptically. Sana has taken on the role of her crazy fairy godmother too.

Another dream. Mina is in this one and Dahyun can’t figure out why, because she’s pretty sure she hasn’t seen Mina all day. And don’t dreams draw from the events of the day? Mina is pointing to something Dahyun can’t quite see in the distance. She doesn’t have her glasses or contacts on in the dream and no matter how hard she squints; she can’t make anything out.

Momo’s crying.

“Dahyun, Momo’s crying.” Mina taps her on the shoulder, and Dahyun’s eyes refocus. She must have dozed off in her chair while waiting for the filming to begin. She glances at the wall behind her in the mirror and focuses in on the clock. 8:45. Fifteen more minutes until the were meant to be seated and ready for the interview.

Dahyun, Momo’s crying.

 It’s an automatic response for her, once she becomes fully aware and awake. Standing up as fast as she can and making a beeline for the side door to the room they were in because she remembers hearing the crying before she fell asleep. She remembers. How could she not have gone back then?

She enters the room with Mina close behind her. There is a crowd around Momo who sits on the floor with Boo in her arms. She buries her face in his fur, and the dog’s eyes are wide with concern. The staff are scattered throughout the room, unsure of what they should do with the situation.

Everyone’s eyes move to Dahyun when she kneels down in front of Momo. She places her hand on Momo’s and moves Boo away from her face.

She looks forward.

Dahyun remembers this look from a dream she had a while back after a fight she had with Momo. However, she doesn’t quite remember what it was about; the fight, nor the dream.

Bloodshot eyes. Tears staining her cheeks. Makeup smudges. Running nose. Sweat sticking hair to forehead.

“I’m so s-sorry.” Momo says immediately. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“What are you apologising for, Momo-unnie?” Dahyun speaks softly, allowing her hands to sling around Momo’s neck and her fingers to caress the loose hairs at the nape of her neck for comfort. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

The dream. It had only included herself. A strange third-person, movie like dream. Dahyun. Crying.

“I’m in love with you.”

Maybe, rather than metaphors, Dahyun’s dreams are messages from hell.

9:32 am.

“Okay! And finally, we have a question for Momo-ssi. Is it true that you are now dating Kim Heechul from Super Junior?”

“Momo, we’re idols.”

“Yes.”