I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue
And I'd go crawling down the avenue

==========

Lonely;empty; detached.

The three words glaring back at her from their place on the corner of her textbook margin couldn’t be truer. The sinking feeling that accompanied her ever since she understood more about what it feels like to be cherished and heard. That caring and justice doesn’t always mean a hard slap to her right cheek for every mistake she did or words her father said that embed deep to the creases of her soft tender heart. Wound that heals ever so slightly yet always bleed readily at the slightest nick. She felt herself drifting further from all those people surrounding her because everything blends together to hues of grey. Bland to taste, numbing when touched, and bitter when she forcefully gulped her emotions down. At first it was easier to repress her feelings down because she knew, she always knew that words hurt, sometimes even more than the physical wounds inflicted on her skin. Because silence is good, her mother is strict just like her father is. They worked hard to build her to the woman she is today (always give and give not knowing when enough is enough). Palisa always stood by her though –her sweet and understanding childhood best friend. But even then, she wouldn’t get it.

When you do nothing but keep everything hidden from others' peripheral, you’ll find it easier to endure and move on. Not realising that the longer you did that. The more piece of you starts to fade. Because you’ll get so stuck in pleasing other people, your colour wane to the background, you turned yourself to just another prop for someone else’s story. She became detached to the world around her. Smiling and laughing, joking and teasing yet inside, it feels like she wasn’t even present. It was as if Lisa just stood there watching everything play out before her, like she was nothing more than an onlooker to everything going on in her life.

She guessed it wasn’t all that bad –really. There would always be a silver lining to every situation (she hoped thought so). The verbal onslaught didn’t really hurt anymore, every word settling into a blissful numbness that spread throughout her whole being. Like a snuffed out fire, her compliance to do things for others kept people or her friends from prying to close. No one would care enough to see past the facade. Because she knew how to smile, the exact angle and lightness to make it look genuine. Squint your eyes a little for a happy looking expression. Show your teeth a little so she looked happier than she felt. All it needed is just a beautiful smile to hide the injured soul inside. Still, it was a pity that the euphoric numbness didn’t last as long as she had hoped.

Her grades started dropping. Her scores came out and her parents were called to school to discuss her sudden decline in academics. The 180 degree difference from her higher than average scores and excellent knowledge regarding the sciences to a barely getting the passing grade required by the school. She should’ve tried to snap out of it sooner, because maybe then it would’ve been less painful than this –stupid wish but it couldn’t be helped. The moment they got home, her mother didn’t even bother to hide her dismay towards her dropping grades.

“I’m disappointed in you. Tell you what, I think everyone in the family feels the same way.”

It felt like a slap in the face. Even if it doesn’t hurt physically, her heart surely knew how much those words carved another scar to her soul.

She did snap out of it.

She learned how to keep herself afloat, to do her best even when she felt like life was dragging her down. She didn’t cry –she didn’t know how to. The emptiness stayed, but she put it on the back of her mind to focus on more important things. The anger and pain from her mother’s disappointment still fresh on her mind. Keeping her distracted enough to get things done. It felt easier this way. To not think about herself but more about the people around her. To run from things than deal with it. She did pick up dancing as her club. She ran a lot, to stay in shape she said (not the only reason but no one has to know) and nobody asked anymore question.

The process of losing herself went by so silently and discreetly that the moment she realised something was off, things were already the worse for wear. She forgot how it feels like to truly want something or how to enjoy herself in the moment –she forgot what happiness feels like. The exact time she noticed her lack of emotions, her tears didn’t even bother to fall. As if her body forgot its basic function to cry overwhelmed by the consuming feeling of emptiness. Her mind went haywire considering every choices and actions that might’ve caused her to feel this way. She had been doing so well. There were nothing, literally that could’ve caused this. Then, why couldn’t she just cry?

“Feel something,” she whispered desperately to her reflection in the mirror, hoping that maybe, just maybe her body would comply to her request and big fat drop of tears would start falling and finally –she could breathe a little better. Her chest would feel a little lighter, free from the constant pressure of emptiness shrouding it.

She didn’t cry.

She couldn’t help but feel disappointed at her inability to do simple task such as crying.

 

Some time passed, she’d learned to live with it.

 

At the end of her freshman year in junior high school, she got the sudden urge to do something. An experiment or so, maybe, to prove that she still feels. Because being unfeeling all the time is a scary thing, like a nightmare tailing her around everywhere. The thought stayed for a while, tickling the back of her mind whenever she felt a little too curious. Lisa contemplated the pros and cons before deciding there really was nothing to lose from it.

She did it the 2 months before her graduation, just before she left for Korea after her successful audition. Lisa got home from school feeling tired as usual and went straight towards the bathroom near her bedroom. She shuffled through the random things inside the drawer stationed below the sink. After she found what she was looking for, she took a deep breath to steady her fast beating heart. Steeling herself, Lisa drew two lines on the palm of her left hand. Watching with a sick kind of fascination as she stared at the blood trickling down her hand. It was silent for a second before her lips uttered the question she was dreading to say.

“Why?”

Lisa let out a humourless laugh.

“Why can’t I feel anything?”

She was mistaken. She didn’t know what she was thinking before deciding to do this. But it was certainly what she had predicted. Maybe she expected too much by wanting to be proven wrong. And God, this was too much. She couldn’t feel it. The pain from the cut or the regret for trying to do it. Hell, she couldn’t even feel the crushing sadness that –maybe – could’ve justify her actions.

 

i'm broken.

===========

No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

=========