I always seemed to like what was the worst for me. I liked fried food, alcohol, staying up really late, and most of all I liked Bang Yongguk. We had so much in common, and we had a fantastic time whenever we were together. I was gay. He was gay. I figured that it made sense for us to fall in love with each other. He flirted with me, and he made me feel special. Then he started dating the maknae.

When they came out to us I felt my heart shatter, and I’d gone home to see my parents so the members wouldn’t see me cry over Yongguk. My parents tried to make me feel better, and they took care of me until I was ready to face the members again.  Hugging the two of them made me feel like my heart had been ripped out again. I had been a huge fool to think that he would ever have feelings for me.

Things changed between Yongguk and I after he told us about his relationship. He never wanted to spend time alone with me, and would always chase after Junhong if the other members left the two of us alone. It made me feel even worse about myself. He couldn’t even stand to be around me anymore. I felt like I had become a pariah.

None of the other members seemed to notice that my heart was breaking over and over again every single day, and I preferred it that way. That meant I was a good actor. “Yeobo?” I heard him call out through the dorm. I cringed a bit, but continued eating my chicken. They were together, so he was allowed to use pet names when he called for his painfully underage lover.

Junhong responded with something that I’m sure was sickeningly sweet, but I ignored him. I could bear to listen to them being in love. I looked up and saw Daehyun walking out of the living room, which meant that Yongguk and I were alone. “I should go do… I need to, ah…” He didn’t really have anything to do, he never really had something to do when he fled the room.

“Please don’t go?” I looked up at him, and immediately scolded myself for the obvious whimper that I had allowed to come out of my mouth. I just really wanted him to stay. He use to care about my fear of being left alone.

He just scoffed at me and ignored the hand that I had apparently stretched out to grab at him. He put his dishes in the sink and then rolled his eyes at me when another whimper slipped out of my lips without my permission. “I’m going to hang out with Junhong-ah.” He walked out of the room and left me there completely alone.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and shoved my meal away. It just tasted like bile now. I didn’t understand what had happened between us. I couldn’t understand why he hated me now, we had been such good friends before he’d started dating the maknae. He didn’t know about my feelings so that couldn’t have been it.

I put my head down on the table and after a while I felt a hand on my back. “Hyung? What’s wrong Hyung?” It was Jongup. He was the only one who really spoke to me anymore, and I seemed incapable of comprehending what was going on in my own life. “Are you crying over Yongguk hyung again?”

All of the air fled my body and I shot up to look at him. How had he known? I wiped at my eyes, and tried my hardest to hide the panic that had filled me up. “N…no!” People couldn’t know that I was in love with our leader. This would destroy everything. “I…I’m just tired.” I shrugged my shoulders and tried to clean up the tears.

“You kind of… got drunk and… yelled at Junhong-ah… for stealing Yongguk hyung…” He looked away and I groaned and let my head fall down onto the table. I couldn’t remember doing that, and if I had really done that then it explained everything. They all thought I was some sort of monster for yelling at Junhong. “You said he was a little and that he ruined everything. Do you really not remember this?”

I shook my head and banged it on the table a couple of times. I kept telling myself that I needed to stop drinking and that every time I did I only ended up hurting myself and those around me. Then I ended up drinking again. I curled up as tightly as I could and tried to block out the world around me. I was such a wreck. I couldn’t believe that I had called the maknae a . “Is that why he won’t even look at me?”

I heard him pull a chair out and get comfortable in it before he ran his fingers through his hair. “Junhong-ah told him that he would leave him if he continued being your friend, and Hyung… you know…” He was talking so quietly that it only made me want to break down. I didn’t deserve his kindness after what I had done. “The other members didn’t appreciate you talking about the maknae that way, but I understood that you were just drunk and upset. It’s hard being in love with someone who doesn’t like you back.” I rotated my head so I could look at him, and he shrugged his shoulders. “Daehyun hyung likes girls.”

I tried to give him some sympathy, but he shot me a look that told me I had best not do that. “Thank you for not leaving me alone like the others did.” I mumbled and he gave me a soft smile. “I don’t like being alone…”

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I apologise for this one-shot. It's not very good... I'm kinda sad right now because of reasons but I needed to post this. I'll try to write better in the future.