"Have you ever thought about it?"

 

"About what?"

 

"Us."

 

"... huh?"

 

She smiled under the gentle ray of the morning sun.

 

"Have you, Yuqi?"

 

The soft tune of nostalgia plays at the back of her head, but the room is devoid of any other sound than silence. Yuqi stays quiet, and Shuhua is in the middle of the room watching her own reflection diligently. She doesn't miss it too, the way Shuhua moves her body in a fluid motion, and the way her hair flies ethereally against the air as she spins around in her bare feet.

 

Beautiful.

 

"I think it's great," she says when Shuhua has stopped moving, her eyes are looking at her through the mirror, and her chest heaves up and down.

 

Yuqi thinks Shuhua is more than great , that she looks just immaculate, that she steals all the breath from her lungs. But she doesn't say it, because Shuhua doesn't like exaggerated compliments.

 

She is not satisfied. She never is.

 

"Soojin unnie will think it's great too."

 

"She won't," Shuhua finally speaks in her own stubbornness.

 

Yuqi stands from where she is seated, dusting off her jeans, "I don't know anything about contemporary dance to comment on your performance, but I think it's great."

 

The black haired girl nods her head, in her eyes is another gloomy dissatisfaction, and it doesn't go unnoticed by her. 

 

Again, Yuqi doesn't say anything.

 

"Want some ice cream?" She stands there awkwardly between the room and the door, digging her hands into her jeans' pocket to make up for it.

 

"I'm on a diet."

 

Yuqi holds back her tongue and the disagreed clench in her chest, you don't have to go that far, she wanted to say. She knows better than to pick a fight with Shuhua right now.

 

She throws her glare to the floor in defeat, "okay. Call me if you need anything."

 

Shuhua doesn't answer. She doesn't spare her another glance, moving her body into the same rhythm as she leaves.

 

Yuqi has always known that Shuhua doesn't need anything from her. 

 

She just can't stop herself from caring.

 

Before her eyes was the sight of Shuhua smiling gently with the heaviness of her sorrow.

 

Yuqi was unable to comprehend her.

 

"Of course not. You love Soojin unnie."

 

"What if I didn't?"

 

"It's not a matter of what ifs."

 

"Really? What if I wasn't broken, what if I could appreciate the people around me?

I think it would make a lot of differences, Yuqi."

 

"...I don't understand."

 

Yuqi rises to her feet when she spots Shuhua out of the practice room. The sun has set long ago, the sky has turned dark, and the clouds are haunting with their gloom.

 

Shuhua stops walking when she spots her, "you shouldn't have waited."

 

"I know," she smiles and offers a soft bread with no fillings, "here, you need to eat."

 

The younger girl glances at her warily, but she sighs in defeat and takes the food from her hand, "thank you."

 

Yuqi nods without a word. From there, they walk together to Shuhua's academy's dorm in their usual silence. There is a space between their arms as their shoes scrape against the concrete road, and it feels hollow with no one around but the dim light from the street lamps to keep them company.

 

"You don't have to keep doing this, Yuqi."

 

Shuhua says as they stop in front of her building. She doesn't look up from the bread that she still holds in her hand.

 

"I know," Yuqi can't seem to voice it out confidently.

 

"I'm okay. I will be."

 

"I know."

 

Shuhua finally looks into her eyes. Her lips are lifted into a small smile, and she looks utterly fragile standing before her.

 

"Will you come to watch me?"

 

"Of course."

 

The girl simply nods in approval, turning around lightly like a butterfly. She doesn't utter anything else, doesn't look back or bid her goodbye as she walks inside the double glass door.

 

Yuqi merely stays rooted to her place until she can no longer see her retreating figure.

 

Shuhua didn't try to explain.

 

"I'm quitting after this performance, Yuqi."

 

"What? Forever?"

 

Shuhua nodded heavily.

 

 Yuqi couldn't believe her ears.

 

"But, I thought you loved dancing. I thought you said it brought you closer to her."

 

"Sometimes," Shuhua turned around from her, "you just have to give up things you can never reach."

 

Yuqi couldn't begin to understand what she's talking about.

 

"How about Soojin unnie?"

 

She looked over her shoulder.

 

"I love her, but I need to finally let her go. I need to leave."

 

The huge theatre is packed with people in formal attires and expensive smelling perfumes and colognes. Yuqi herself is wearing a black dress that covers her body down to her thighs as she slips through the chattering crowd, trying to find her seat in the middle section of the hundred rows of red velvet chairs.

 

All of these audiences have come to watch the performances of the night, not just Shuhua's but also many other unique performers'. She thinks this as she seats herself in her assigned spot, and suddenly she feels nervous like she's the one who's standing there on the stage.

 

She doesn't know for how long she has been sitting there without particularly doing anything, her mind is scattered in her own nerves. 

 

She is waiting at the edge of her seat with her palpitating heart.

 

When she comes about, suddenly time ticks again, and people are no longer standing and crowding around her. The room has already darkened, filled with heavy silence and tense anticipation as the curtain starts to slide open.

 

Yuqi remembers that Shuhua is the opening act, so she fixes her attention solely to the brightened stage, her stomach churning in her own anticipation.

 

There is that girl, Shuhua with her simple white dress, her costume that she said is more than enough for her performance. She is standing in the middle of the vast stage alone, her hair is let down to her waist, and the lights above her illuminate her pale face which is left without heavy make-up. 

 

The soft piano tune of a nostalgic song starts to occupy the space, echoing and bouncing off the walls, and Shuhua starts to sway into the familiar rhythm that Yuqi has seen more than enough to memorize it in her head.

 

But seeing her on stage, with an unmatched tense in the air and the piano and violin playing loudly to occupy the huge space with hundreds of other spectators, it feels oddly different than all the practices she has seen.

 

Her heart leaps to as her chest swells.

 

Shuhua is glowing. The stage is where she truly belongs. Her bare feet spin and fly to the air, her long black hair moves and flutters beautifully under the shining light, her body contorts and folds into a dazzling movement.

 

Yuqi feels it hard to breathe while watching how ethereal and magical Shuhua is on the stage. She's more than the word beautiful can explain, more than the word grief can express.

 

She hasn't realized that there is a quiet tear rolling down from her eye until she feels it falls to the back of her hand.

 

She doesn't know why she's crying.

 

It simply hurts. 

 

Watching Shuhua hurts her, but she can't keep her eyes off of her. And that is exactly how Shuhua has always been to her.

 

A girl so gloomy and broken beyond repair, a flower with its petals faltering one by one. Yet she just looks so beautiful, so exquisitely dismal that nobody can take their eyes off of her.

 

Yuqi is lost in time. She is lost in Shuhua.

 

She has always been from the first time she met her in one of their classes, has always been even when there was Soojin around, and is only reminded of how strong it is when Shuhua was shattered from losing Soojin forever.

 

The room is rowdy with applause and exclaims of awe, she realizes that Shuhua has stopped dancing, and the instrument has come to an end. 

 

Yuqi tries to see from her blurred sight, her tears have fallen like a waterfall, and her chest is swelling in a lot of things swarming into one; maybe in melancholy, in pride, or maybe also in love. 

 

Shuhua is already bowing deeply with her hair disheveled and her breath lost.

 

She never takes her eyes off of her, stunned in her seat with her tears falling freely, unable to even clap. Perhaps their eyes meet for a second before the curtain closes and the light dissipates, as she manages to see a smile on the girl’s somber eyes. 

 

She thinks it's impossible for Shuhua to be able to spot her in the middle of the crowd, yet it just feels like she did.

 

Yuqi doesn't stay to watch anymore.

 

"Why are you crying?"

 

Yuqi swiftly wipes her tears which have fallen again after seeing her familiar thin figure walking out of the building. Shuhua is already standing before her, out of her stage costume, and a small smile decorates her pale thin face. 

 

She looks happier, relieved, and satisfied. Yuqi is glad that she does.

 

"You did amazing."

 

Shuhua smiles just a tad wider, "maybe I did, if you cried this much," she reaches out to help her wipe some of her tears, for once, stepping close into her personal space, as if it was telling her something, or an indication of giving her a chance.

 

Yuqi feels the hope shimmering in her chest.

 

Her fleeting touch feels soft and cold against her warm cheek. She leans to her skinny palm, and she is relieved that Shuhua doesn't take it away, "you really did."

 

"Thank you."

 

"You don't have to quit dancing."

 

"I do," Shuhua stares right into her, telling her that it's her final decision, "I have to find myself. Not in the shadow of Soojin unnie, I can't keep dwelling on her. I need to take a step forward."

 

Yuqi's tears seem to fall even more without her consent, even with Shuhua's help, she can't seem to prevent them from escaping her eyes. The pain is prickling and crawling underneath her skin so relentlessly cruel.

 

"I'm sure Soojin unnie is watching, and she is proud of you."

 

With a smile on her lips and the damage in her eyes, Shuhua also starts to tear up as she nods, "I hope she is."

 

The sight breaks her heart.

 

"Shuhua, you don't have to go. You can stay with me," her plea manages to slip out from her strong pride. 

 

She is desperate with the understanding of how strong her feelings are, especially with the thought of never seeing Shuhua again, not when Yuqi is not yet able to say how much Shuhua means to her, or how much she loves her.

 

Although she knows she can't make her stay.

 

"I'll be back. Don't be so dramatic and clingy."

 

Yuqi laughs amidst her sobs, and Shuhua laughs with her. She has said that, but the girl's tears that her eyes are unable to contain have also started to fall down to her cheeks.

 

"Shu."

 

"Hm?"

 

"I have."

 

Shuhua looks at her like she can't understand. Yuqi brings her own hand up to hold Shuhua's cold palm that is still there on her cheek, pressing it deeper against her skin to give her warmth.

 

"I've thought about us before too."

 

The younger girl's expression shifts, "why are you admitting this now?" She asks, almost basking in her bashfulness as her cheeks turn into a light hue of red.

 

"Because you're about to go and I don't want to regret a thing."

 

She chuckles, her teary and red eyes are avoiding her gaze.

 

"You're being unfair," her voice is barely above a whisper when she says this, cracking a little with a lingering sense of bittersweet and unsaid words that are kept between them.

 

"I'll be waiting."

 

The girl glances at her, "Yuqi-"

 

"Take your time," Yuqi brings their hands down and intertwines their fingers, her gaze is stubborn as she looks into Shuhua's uncertain brown eyes. 

 

"I'm fine. Just promise me you'll come home."

 

Shuhua doesn't reject her, nor does she deny it. She merely puts out a smile and a gentle nod, "okay."

 

Yuqi thinks maybe this will be the last time that she will ever meet Shuhua. She thinks maybe this is how tragic her love will ever be. 

 

But she also thinks about the possibility that Shuhua will come back to her, that she will feel better, and the day when she will be smiling brightly at her without restrictions will come.

 

Then Yuqi thinks that she has never once regretted her love for Shuhua. Despite her fragility, her sadness and gloom, Yuqi still can't seem to let her go.

 

Her love is a little different. It takes time, a little difficult and painful for both. But she will still be waiting.

 

Yuqi is sure her love for Shuhua will never wither.

 

"You know, Yuqi. I've thought about us together."

 

Shuhua refused to turn around to face her, and all she ever saw was the view of her thin and small back standing a few feet away from her.

 

"Y-you have?"

 

"Mmhm."

 

Yuqi didn't know what to say amidst the flutter of her heart.

 

"Maybe we can work it out, that's what I thought."

 

"I see…"

 

She could hear Shuhua chuckling lightly with the gentle breeze blowing against the both of them.

 

"It just looks nice, the thought of us. Maybe someday after I fix myself."

 

Yuqi didn't tell her about the flower of hope that started blooming in her chest, or the thump of her heart when Shuhua turned around with a shy smile on her lips.

 

"Thankyou for always taking care of me, Yuqi."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Thankyou for reading :)