“I’m sorry.”

Stop.

“Poor girl.”

Stop looking at me like that.

“It must have been so devastating…”

STOP ING LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT !

 

“Jen!”

 

Abruptly, Jennie opened her eyes and came face to face with the sight of her best friend. Startled, she didn’t have time to stop herself and ended up slapping the poor girl. The sound of the impact resonated in the room like a gunshot.

 

“What the ? Chaeyoung?”

 

Said girl groaned as an answer, caressing her cheek like she would a bloodied wound. It took two whole minutes for Jennie to understand what happened, when she realized she wasn’t asleep in her bed but instead on the couch.

 

“, I’m sorry…”

 

Getting up, Jennie took her friend’s face in her hands and looked at the red mark on her cheek.

 

“It’s okay. I should have taken some distance before waking you up.”

 

“Again, I’m so sorry.”

 

Chaeyoung didn’t respond and, instead, she took Jennie in her arms.

 

“Don’t worry about it. Everything is okay.”

 

There was no need for more words. Jennie instantly calmed down and relaxed in the embrace. Those kinds of dreams were pretty frequent. She didn’t like them, but, thanks to Chaeyoung, they didn’t bother her as much as before. It was only fragments of her past. She had moved on from it, even if it still hurt her when she thought too long on it.

 

“Anyway, did you enjoy your date?”

 

//

 

They all knew. How could they not know? Her name was in the ing headline of those goddamn newspapers. Kim Jennie, the only survivor of the car crash accident that killed famous actor Seung-hyun Kim and his wife.

 

They all knew.

 

And they all looked at her with the same expression. Pity. She didn’t want this. She didn’t need this. She just wanted to forget all about it. Her anger. Her sadness. Her powerlessness. She wished she could have had some privacy about her mourning. She wished no one knew how broken she was when she began her first year. But being the daughter of a famous actor wouldn’t give her this peace.

 

And they were relentless. They approached her. Trying to ing be supportive of her. It made her sick. She just wanted to be left alone. Until she could smile again, genuinely. Until she could forgive herself and the world… Until…

 

//

 

BANG !

 

The balloon fell to the floor after it hit the backboard with too much force. Angrily, Jennie shot the ball with her foot, making it impact violently with the nearest wall. She was breathing heavily. From a third party, she would look like a mess.

 

“…”

 

As she was the captain of the team, she had a set of keys for the gymnasium. It was a habit for her to use this advantage to cool down some pent up frustration. And, right now, Jennie had a lot… Since Jisoo had entered her life, she felt like she was losing herself. She had wished that, somehow, she would make more progress with the purple-haired girl… But alas, their relationship - or the lack thereof - didn’t develop like she’d hope. Apart from some shy waving, Jisoo had stayed as hermetic to all sorts of socialization as a wall.

 

With all her limbs trembling from the effort Jennie had just put them into, she decided to quit her self-session of brooding and go back to her dorm. With little motivation she went to retrieve her balloon. The poor object had survived a lot and it was already starting to become too damaged to play with correctly. Nevertheless, it had been a gift from Chaeyoung and Jennie could never convince herself to throw it away.

 

In the back of her mind, as she was taking back her bag, putting the balloon in it, and the keys of the gymnasium to leave, Jennie wondered if meeting with Jisoo had been the trigger to all those recent nightmares she seemed to have… The girl had become the center of all her thoughts, as of late.

 

Sighing, Jennie locked up the gym. The sun was beginning to shine its rays upon her skin. Maybe, Chaeyoung would still be asleep… After all, her best friend always slept late on Satuday’s mornings. Smiling a little bit at that thought, Jennie decided to take a detour. She’d take two coffees and some pastries on the way. Even if she was still sweaty from her session, that wouldn’t take too much time. She knew of a little bakery that wasn’t too crowded, in those hours.

 

//

 

Finally, Jennie arrived at the bakery. As expected, she could see behind the glass windows that there weren't many people inside. Quickly, she passed her hand in her hair, in an attempt to tame it and look, at least, a little bit more presentable.

 

However, as she was about to open the door, her eyes caught a color that made her heart jump in her chest and freeze in her movement. Jisoo was here. And she seemed to be in a “conversation” with the baker that owned the shop.

 

Seulgi. She knew the owner because of how much she bought coffees and pastries on Saturday’s mornings. She was a very warm person and had now the gentle habit to offer one free pastry for her on each visit. So, it was with great surprise that she witnessed those kind eyes being severe. The two were making signs with their hands in a very fast, nearly angry, manner. Even if she didn’t understand any of it, there was no doubt that they were having an argument…

 

Gulping, Jennie didn’t know what she should do. On one hand, she had made the detour especially to buy pastries and coffees, but at the same time, it was as if she was trespassing on some personal situation. What was more insane is that the people sitting at their tables didn’t even notice anything.

 

In the end, curiosity won over her apprehension and she opened the door with determination. Thankfully, the bell rang and Seulgi dropped the conversation to look at Jennie entering. After some seconds, seeing that Seulgi had turned her attention elsewhere, it was Jisoo’s turn to land her gaze on her.

 

“Hey, Jennie. Nice to see you!”

 

Jennie plastered a smile on her face, feigning innocence… As if she hadn’t been watching her private “conversation” with Jisoo from outside.

 

“Good morning to you too.”

 

Carefully, Jennie directed a little wave of her hand to Jisoo.

 

“Hey, Jisoo.”

 

Jisoo put on a wide smile in response immediately, making Jennie grimace a little bit.

 

“The usual, then?”

Before she could stop herself, Jennie made a movement towards Jisoo before answering Seulgi.

 

“Do you want something? My treat.”

 

The purple haired girl’s eyes widened in surprise. There was a second of silence before Seulgi decided to talk again.

 

“Jisoo likes hot chocolate.”

 

Jennie nodded at her. In the back of her head, she stored this information, and also the fact that Seulgi seemed to really know Jisoo.

 

“Great, then the usual with a hot chocolate.”

 

“On it.”

 

As Seulgi turned her back on Jennie to prepare the beverages, she spoke loud enough for Jennie to hear her.

 

“So… You know, Jisoo?”

 

Frowning, Jennie felt that Seulgi did that especially for Jisoo to not “hear” it.

 

“I… Yes. I’m actually teaching her basket-ball.”

 

She felt a little bit anxious. There was no way that Jisoo could see her lips from where she was, but…

 

“Really? It must be hard...”

 

Balling her hands into fists instinctively, Jennie tried to keep her venom to herself… And failed.

 

“It is. So what?”

 

Jennie saw the shoulders of Seulgi quake a little bit. And then, a little laugh was heard. Finally, the baker faced her again, a smirk on her face. She handed a cup towards Jisoo.

 

“One hot chocolate for you, missy.”

 

Then, she handed two cups to Jennie with a little bag.

 

“Two cups of coffee, black, for you. And two donuts.”

 

As Jennie approached the counter to take it, Seulgi leaned over it.

 

“Come tomorrow morning. I’d like to introduce you to someone.”

 

Jennie wanted to retort, but Seulgi turned to Jisoo and began to sign to her. Rolling her eyes, Jennie understood when she was dismissed. She was a little disappointed that she didn’t have the chance to talk to Jisoo more. But, it wasn’t like they were exactly friends to begin with…

 

Without waiting more, Jennie left the bakery with a heavy emotion blurring her thoughts. She walked as if she was on auto-pilot. Coffees in one hand and a bag of pastries in the other, just like every Saturday’s mornings. And yet….

 

Suddenly, she felt a pressure on her T-Shirt and she faltered in her next step, nearly dropping what she was carrying carefully. Someone had grabbed her from behind. Furiously, Jennie turned around and was met with the sight of an out of breath Jisoo.

 

“Jisoo?”

 

The deaf girl didn’t see her talk as she was bent over, hands on her knees, catching some much needed air. Therefore, Jennie waited patiently for Jisoo to look at her. And, when she did, she was stunned to see a frown on her face, for the first time.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

There was no response, but Jennie nearly dropped on the floor when Jisoo put her hand in the pockets of her jeans to take her phone and began to write in it.

 

“Did you train this morning?”

 

“Ah, yes. Coach gave me a double of the keys… Sometimes, I use it to just… do some sports on the week-end.”

 

“Can I come, next time?”

 

Although Jennie was used to letting out all of her stress and negative thoughts on Saturdays when she was feeling down, she couldn’t help but feel a smile becoming bigger and bigger on her face.

 

“Yes! I don’t see why not.”

 

There was a pregnant pause in their exchange. Jisoo looked like she was contemplating something in her head and Jennie didn’t know what to say. Then, Jisoo handed her phone to Jennie. Understanding the implication behind it, Jennie tried not to snatch the phone as fast as she’d do if she let her feelings get in the way. Instead, putting what she was carrying on the floor, she calmly took what was offered to her and put her number in it.

 

“There you go.”

 

Somehow, it felt like she had achieved something, there.

 

//

 

She hated them. She wished they would die.

 

//

Sunday morning. Jennie was having second thoughts on the way to the bakery. It was as if she was lying to Jisoo. There was no doubt that Seulgi told her to come today because of the deaf girl. She didn’t know if she was alright with talking about Jisoo without her knowing about it… But, at the same time, Jennie was just too much affected by Jisoo to let an opportunity go just like that.

 

“Jennie. I’m happy you didn’t bail.”

 

Nice Seulgi was back. Her eyes were shining with kindness and happiness.

 

“Come on, sit down. Here, a coffee for you. The person I wanted you to meet will arrive any time now.”

 

Jennie did as she was told. It was strange to be inside of the closed bakery with zero customers apart from herself. It felt empty. Her train of thoughts were disturbed with the sound of the bell. A lady entered and Jennie thought she was dreaming. It was as if Jisoo had walked in, but she had matured and had decided to trade her purple hair with dark, smooth hair.

 

“Joohyun. Here.”

 

After kissing her lightly on the cheek, Seulgi took the hand of the stranger and led her towards the table where Jennie sat.

 

“Jennie, meet Joohyun. My wife and Jisoo’s sister.”

 

Jennie gulped. Jisoo’s sister had a very intimidating stare and the way she held herself was like a true queen, ready to take down any opponent.

 

“Hi.”

 

“It’s very nice to meet you.”

 

God. Even her voice was posed, but held a threatening edge to it. Jennie felt herself tremble under the scrutiny she was under.

 

“Seul, please?”

 

“Sure, be right back when you’re finished. Just text me.”

 

For a moment, Jennie contemplated begging for Seulgi to stay, but she held herself in check and instead watched Joohyun sit graciously in front of her.

 

“I won’t try and make chit-chat with you. As you probably already guessed, you are here because of Jisoo.”

 

Jennie nodded, not trusting her voice.

 

“What is Jisoo to you, exactly?”

 

The question hit Jennie harder than she had anticipated. Yes. Who was Jisoo? She didn’t know much about her, except that she was deaf and that she reminded her of who she had been in the past. She was also the one who awakened demons inside of her, but, at the same time, she was the one who made her act stupid and who made her strangely feel like she was on top of the world in some moments… Was she a friend? A crush? More? Or nothing at all?

 

“I…”

 

“Look. I don’t want to sound harsh. I’m just trying to look out for Jisoo. Are you trying to mess with her? Or… Do you have romantic feelings for her, perhaps?”

 

Jennie gritted her teeth, irritated for some reason. Thinking about it, she sure was captivated by Jisoo in some way… But did she love her? And moreover, who was Joohyun to talk to her like that? As if it would be a crime if she did.

 

“And what if I did? You’ll tell me to back off? As if Jisoo could not do that herself? Thanks for the vote of confidence for your sister.”

 

Joohyun frowned, clearly not happy with the attitude Jennie had.

 

“I guess it would sound pretty romantic to tell oneself that they had looked past the disability of a person and loved them all the same. So, pray tell me, did you learn sign language? Do you know what it would entail to actually be with Jisoo? Or will you just give up on the way?”

 

Feeling her temper rise, Jennie didn’t even realize that she had just put down her fists on the table, hard, until she felt the pain.

 

“I didn’t learn sign language. I don’t even know what it would be like to go out with Jisoo because I’m not. SO WHAT? All I know is what I’m feeling. There are no answers that I could give that will be satisfying enough to you and I don’t care. So, back off. It’s not like your sister will actually return any of my feelings, so rest assured!”

 

The words left like a cascade. She didn’t even know that tears had begun to spill from her eyes. She just felt extremely agitated that she had admitted out loud to herself that she had ulterior motives behind every kind gesture towards Jisoo, from the start. How she had tried to deny the selfish part of herself that had instantly felt attraction the first time her eyes fell upon the purple haired girl on the bench. She couldn’t even remember if she had felt anything like this for any other person...

 

“Calm down, please.”

 

Jennie felt a tissue being rubbed on her cheeks, chasing away the tears.

 

“I’m sorry. Please, don’t cry. Jennie, was it?”

 

Blushing, Jennie nodded silently, taking the tissue into her own hands.

 

“Jennie. I just wanted to inform myself a little bit about you, I didn’t mean to provoke you like this.”

 

“God, I get it, okay? I understand Jisoo might have been through a lot of bull. She’s deaf, so yeah... Can I please go before I embarrass myself even more?”

 

Joohyun shook her head and, at last, let out a shy smile break out on her face.

 

“There is nothing to feel ashamed of. Not when you’ve been honest with me. Let me pay for the coffee, it’s the least I can do.”

 

Joohyun took her phone out of her purse, sending a text to Seulgi. When her eyes weren’t on her anymore, Jennie let out a relieved sigh she didn’t know she was holding.

 

“I was intrigued when Seulgi told me someone paid my sister a hot chocolate. And even more surprised when she added that Jisoo went after you, running and leaving it behind. I knew I had to meet you… And truthfully, you’re everything I could hope for in a friend for Jisoo...”

 

Weirdly, even if she thought that the morning was a disaster in itself, Jennie went back to her dorm, lighter. It was like a huge burden has been dropped from her shoulders. There was no going back now. She’d have to be honest with herself and with her true intentions towards Jisoo. At least, she could try harder...

 

//

 

“It’s not your fault.”

 

“It’s not my fault.”

 

"You're not a horrible person, Jen. You deserve happiness, like everyone."

 

//

 

"Yo, Jen, where are you going? Cafeteria is this way."

 

"Don't call me Jen…"

 

Of course, Lisa would notice her trying to sneak out. Why couldn’t she be at the canteen like every other goddamn student? Did Chaeyoung tell her to keep tabs on her or something? The thought made Jennie smile a little bit inside. If it was true, then idiot Lisa was doing a terrible job at being smooth about it.

 

"And I'm not hungry. I’m just going for a walk, to clear my head."

 

Lisa cocked her head, trying to read into Jennie’s eyes and see if she was lying.

 

“Ok.” she said finally. “Do you want me to take you something, anyway? An apple maybe?”

 

Jennie shook her head in response. It was all the confirmation she needed. Chaeyoung had probably asked Lisa to try and be more civil - read, less annoying - with her because of the nightmares.

 

“No. But… thank you, I guess.”

 

Lisa nodded and didn’t make any more comments before retreating towards the canteen. Jennie watched her go and decided that, sometimes, Lisa wasn’t as terrible as she liked to make herself believe she was. Then, after she was sure that the girl didn’t hide somewhere to follow her just after, Jennie went on her way.

 

She knew the route by heart. It had been some time since she last went there. Actually, when she thought about it, it had been since she first saw Jisoo. On the bench, with her eyes closed and her vibrant purple hair. She remembered that she had thought she was beautiful. In fact, it had been the first thing that came to her mind when her eyes had first landed on her.

 

And today wasn’t any different. When Jennie halted in her steps just to watch the same girl, sitting at the same bench, in the same place, she felt her heart squeeze inside her chest. She couldn’t deny it anymore. She was drawn to this girl, like a magnet. It was impossible to fight it at this point. And yet, there was still some hesitation that remained. It was pretty shallow to be interested in someone just from their looks. The words of Jisoo’s sister were still imprinted in her mind, like a reminder of her own selfishness : “It would sound pretty romantic to tell oneself that they had looked past the disability of a person and loved them all the same”. Yet, watching the quiet girl immersed in her own solitude, her own world, Jennie had the sudden urge to cry.

 

"You're not a horrible person, Jen. You deserve happiness, like everyone."

 

She had never let herself entertain the foolish idea of love since the accident… It’s been practically three years. It was perhaps the time to be free of her own past, her own regret. Maybe Jisoo was that person for her, after all. Maybe she wasn’t trying to save her. Maybe, she was trying to be saved.

 

“Hey. Look up.”

 

Like a spell, she watched Jisoo open her eyes. It was cute ; the way she lazily reached for her phone in her pocket to read the message and the way made an O as she lifted her head to meet Jennie’s gaze.

 

“Can I join you?”

 

Jisoo didn’t answer the text, but instead made a wave. Smiling, Jennie went to sit next to her and turned her body towards her so she could read her lips

 

“You stole my place, you know that?”

 

“Your place?”

 

“Yup.”

 

“Do you want me to leave?”

 

If it wasn’t for the small amused glint inside Jisoo’s eyes, Jennie would have thought she had offended the girl in some ways.

 

“No, stay, please.”

 

Silence enveloped the pair. It was pleasant, welcomed even. Jennie could feel the presence of Jisoo next to her and, weirdly, it soothed her.

 

“So… Why basket-ball?”

 

“I don’t know. I thought it would be easier. Am I that bad?”

 

Jennie let out a little laugh.

 

“Yes. But it’s alright, it’s just like everything. You always need practice to be good at something.”

 

Jisoo shrugged.

 

“I’ll be able to throw correctly, maybe. But it isn’t like I’ll be able to play with you or the team.”

 

Reading the text, Jennie froze. It was just letters, but what it meant...

 

“Don’t say that.”

 

“Why not? It’s the truth.”

 

//

 

She didn’t deserve anything. She didn’t deserve sympathy, pity or compassion. She was a hideous person… She hated them. Yet, they never were violent with her, nor expectant of her. They just were absent. She had once entertained the thought of their disappearances. What would it feel like to be the daughter of other people? Or to not be born in such a depressive environment? Nonetheless, was she really allowed to feel that way? It wasn’t like she lived in a dump, with n