Your kisses would leave me breathless. Your touches would always be gentle and soft. Such a heart fluttering feeling. It would constantly create a surge of electricity to shoot through my body. And, that sensation always sent a shiver down my spine in the most pleasurable way. I gasped every time. The feeling was beautiful.

 

Was.

 

Now, your kisses were short and meaningless. Your touches happened less and less. I rarely felt your smooth skin pressed up against mine. And now, instead of a gasp, it was a whimper of pain that escaped me.

 

"I love you Lisa."

 

If you did, then why do your eyes scream boredom when you look at me now?

 

Why Jennie Kim?

 

It had been 4 months since you were forced to be in a relationship with the Exo member, Kai, for publicity. YG believed that the relationship would make blackpink rise on the charts.

 

Of course I was against it. You were too, but because we both were determined to hide our relationship of two years to keep blackpink intact, we reluctantly agreed. 

 

So, sure, maybe it was easier to hide our love to the world, but if you and Kai were meant to be fake, then why did the relationship look so real?

 

I didn't want to believe it.

 

Until one night, during one of our movie nights, I was beside you Jennie, whispering how much I loved you in your ear while you were tightly pressed against my side. Your body was so warm and comforting. Your scent sent a wave of love to flow through me so carefully. 

 

But, instead of kissing me and telling me that you were deeply in love with me too and couldn't live without me like you usually did, you simply hummed and typed away on the phone that laid in your hands.

 

I watched the fast pace of your thumbs tap the screen of your phone. Your sharp feline eyes shined and your smile reached your eyes so timidly. 

 

You looked happy.

 

Your face screamed love while mine screamed longing and pain.

Jennie Kim, do you still love me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jisoo and Rosé once asked me, why do I keep doing this to myself?

 

I could never answer them.

 

They saw the pain in my eyes whenever you suddenly yelled at me or ignored me. They watched me smiling, trying to brush away the hurt. And, they watched the tears flow down my cheeks until I no longer had anymore tears left to shed and no longer had the voice to scream or cry. But before that, they were blind and deaf to my pain until that night. 

 

Rosé was walking by the bathroom when she heard a stifled sob escape my throat. Rosé barged in only to gasp and scream for Jisoo to help me up from the floor with her.

 

My sobs had wracked my body so hard to the point I just couldn't stop. The pain was so paralyzing that I had fallen unconscious from not only by the pain, but by dehydration and exhaustion.

 

It was the night you left to go see Kai.

 

It was also the night I saw the marks on your neck when you came back.

 

I didn't bother greeting you Jennie. I tried to but the moment I saw those marks you failed to cover with your scarf, I shut my mouth tightly.

 

I knew I officially lost you.

 

I felt your confused eyes boring holes on the back of my head as I blatantly ignored your very existence. I could hear you calling for me but I had already closed the door.

 

The worst part?

 

You didn't even check to see if I was okay.

 

You must have been tired from your night with Kai.

 

A kind of night you and I rarely had anymore.

 

Now, I know why.

 

You think I didn't notice the way his scent always seemed to mask yours?

 

You think I hadn't notice the way your hands always seemed to adjust to my size?

 

I noticed it all Jennie.

 

Especially when you rarely told me you loved me.

 

But, another month passed and we were better. Maybe it was because our anniversary was coming up. You held me from behind one night. You thought I was asleep. I felt your forehead resting on my back and your arms wrapped tightly around my waist. And, I remembered holding in my breath when you whispered you loved me.

 

My heart swelled in happiness.

 

Were you finally coming back to me?

 

However, as the days passed by again towards the date of our anniversary, the less you met my eyes. I would catch you looking but you'd never looked twice. Because when you did, all I saw was guilt but also emptiness. There were no longer hints of any type of love in the eyes that I cherished. 

 

Then, the worst possible thing happened.

 

I entered your room with the widest smile I could muster out with your favorite flowers in my hands. I was ready to be welcomed with your beautiful gummy smile and perfect eyes. But the only thing that welcomed me was the silence and your sweet natural scent. 

 

You weren't there.

 

But there was a sticky note attached to your mirror;

 

"Hey Lisa! Sorry I didn't call or text but I'm out with Kai. Had to go on another "date" with him. You know how it is.

 

-Jennie"

 

That's it?

 

No 'I love you?'

 

No cute little hearts you use to draw on the corners?

 

Not even a damn winky face?

 

But it was our 3 years anniversary. 

 

The upcoming thought pained me in a way that I felt that cold, sharp feeling slithering through my bones and blood. It caused me to drop your flowers on the floor, along with the shattered pieces of my heart.

You forgot.

 

It was our anniversary and you forgot.

 

The hand that once held the flowers was now gripping onto my chest. I wanted the pain to radiate out of my fractured heart. I wanted—

 

No

 

— I needed the pain to lay on the palm of my hand so I could simply drop it and forget it all. Oh, how I wanted to forget.

 

Maybe if I had forgotten the way my chest ached and cried my sight wouldn't be so blurry while I stared at our picture that stayed pinned on your wall.

 

Your eyes shined the brightest and your smile smiled the widest as we stared at each other with so much love. We were so happy Jennie.

 

What happened?

 

"Lisa?"

 

Is what I heard from your door. It was Rosé again, followed along with Jisoo. And did you know what they asked me Jennie? It was the same question they always seemed to ask.

 

"Why do you keep doing this to yourself?"

 

And you know what I said?

 

I said, "Would it sound pathetic if I said it's because I love her so damn much?"

 

I love you so much Jennie. But as I stared at your empty, silent room and looked down at the deserted flowers on your floor, anger suddenly grew. Anger took control of my heart and mind.

 

That anger kicked your flowers away from my sight. 

 

How could I stare at the damaged flowers when they were meant for you instead of the damn floor Jennie? 

 

That said anger clashed with the sadness. And the mixture of the two manipulated my voice in finally admitting that I knew you were cheating.

 

"I know! It's ing pathetic! Here I am cleaning up her mess while he's probably taking off her dress!" I shouted so loud that I could feel my own voice echoing horridly in my ears. My body trembled in agony while I continued to clean your room in such haste.

 

Seeing your clothes scattered around broke me even more. Your room would look like this whenever you struggled to find a perfect outfit. You also only did that when you were desperate to look cute. And, as I can see, you weren't trying to look cute for me.

 

Why Jennie?

 

You had my heart in your hands.

 

You were suppose to cherish it, but you were careless. 

 

You left it somewhere and lost it completely. And the worst part of it all, you never bothered to search for it. Instead, you searched for another heart to replace it with. You searched for another kind of love that I could never give you. 

 

Jisoo and Rosé suddenly held me. They held me and comforted me. 

 

Jisoo said, "It's okay to cry. You've held it in for too long." 

 

And I did.

 

I cried so hard. I allowed my pain to finally be presented for the world to witness. 

 

But, maybe world wasn't a proper term. Why? Because I saw you as my world Jennie, and you weren't there to watch me crumble.

 

My throat ached with the way my sobs forced its way out. My body trembled in their arms. This pain was uncontrollable and it only grew by the sound of your voice suddenly echoing in the house.

 

"I'm back! I forgot my wallet!"

 

I use to feel pleasurable chills flow through with just the mere sound of your voice.

 

And now?

 

All I felt was that repetitive word that never left my heart,

 

Pain.

 

It was excruciating.

 

I needed it to end.

 

So, composing myself and wiping away the stray tears, I looked at my favorite duo and said,

 

"I don't want to see her. Make sure she doesn't enter my room."

 

I couldn't face you in this state, this vulnerable state. I didn't want you to see, but would you have cared if you did? Would you notice me again?

I went to leave your room but before I did, I removed our promise ring. I stared at its beauty and it stared right back. But the longer I stared the more the pain grew, so, I dropped it right next to the flowers.

I dropped it the way you unconsciously dropped me Jennie Kim.

 

 

I wondered if you ever thought of me when he looked at you the way that I do. When he kissed you, did his lips fit and move perfectly against yours? Would you shiver when he touched you? Would you feel safe every time he held you?

 

More importantly,

 

Would you love him the way you loved me? Maybe even more?

 

I said loved because I knew your heart didn't beat for me anymore.

 

Without waiting another moment I left your room. The room had no meaning to me anymore. We shared so many memories and with each passing days, those memories slowly dissolved into nothing. And I think that's what my love felt to you, nothing.

 

I felt my body brush against your side as I made my way to my own room. That simple touch hurt me more than you could imagine because realization suddenly dawned on me.

 

I wasn't the only one affected by your touch. He probably was too.

 

When I entered my room, I hoped to have escape just for a while but you were knocking on my door, calling for me. Why were you asking if I was okay? Why force yourself to act this way when you felt the opposite?

 

Why hurt me even more?

 

Please don't act like you care.

 

"She doesn't want to see you Jennie." It was Jisoo who said that. Her voice was so cold that it was deemed to be ghostly to me. Never had I ever heard Jisoo speak so angrily, especially to you Jennie. You're her best friend. 

 

"And why not? Come on Lisa, open up!"

 

Why were you so relentless? 

 

"Unnie Stop. You need to leave. Weren't you suppose to be with Kai?" This time, it was Rosé speaking so harshly. I could tell you were surprised because I was as surprised as you. Rosé wasn't known to be so upset with any of us, let alone you. Venom was laced into her tone and I couldn't help but shiver.

 

I could hear you explaining your reasoning but Jisoo seemed to have little patience for you so, to my displeasure, she cut you off,

 

"Lisa knows."

 

 It grew silent. You grew silent.

 

The truth was out.

 

I wondered, if this confrontation hadn't occurred yet, would you still have deceived me and led my heart into destruction? A destruction that is far worse than it already is?

 

Would you stay with me even when you no longer loved me?

 

I heard you, you stuttered nervously. You seemed to be feigning confusion and this time, I no longer had the will or patience to hear anymore. And so, before anyone else had the chance to get a word out, I opened the door, facing the cause of my aching heart.

 

"Lisa," you said, guilt swimming in the eyes that I could never stop dreaming about. I wanted to drown in your eyes and never resurface because then I wouldn't have to feel the knife you stabbed into my back.

 

I could only stare at you blankly. A stare you have never received from me and that said stare of mine turned the guilt in your eyes into fear.

 

"Girls, can you excuse Jennie and I for a moment? Her and I need to talk. It won't take too long." I stated, never removing my cold, blank eyes away form the fearful feline ones. Could you feel the end nearing Jen? Because I did.

 

I didn't wait for their reply, I simply walked back into my room and sat on the edge of my bed. My eyes were casted down to the floor, watching as your feet slowly and timidly entered my eyesight. They shifted in discomfort as the deafening silence strangled the both of us. 

 

I felt your eyes burning the top of my head, waiting.

You tried asking me what I needed to tell you but I instantly cut you off with the words I never knew or believed I was ever going to say to you,

"I'm letting you go."

The sound of my voice was barely a whisper. I was afraid if I had spoken any louder, my heart would screech in agony. My hallowed heart already screamed in emptiness, so what more damage could you create? You took everything in me and never once thought of returning it mercifully. Instead, you stuttered, stammered. You were confused. So, I continued,

 

"You're free Jennie. You don't have to feel forced to be with me anymore."

 

I watched as disbelief entered and invaded your eyes. And, I watched those eyes suddenly look down. You took in a sharp breath. I followed your sight only to see that you were staring at the finger that no longer had the ring.

 

OUR ring.

 

My finger felt and cold. I had to look away and cover it's vulnerability because that's what I felt under your burning gaze, vulnerable.

 

You asked me where the ring was so nervously to which I replied with, 

 

"Next to the flowers I left for you in your room."

 

I took in a ragged breath before smiling painfully with a stray tear rolling down my cheek,

 

"Happy anniversary Jennie."

 

And goodbye.

 

"I-it's what? W-wait.. oh my God! I-I'm so sorr—!"

 

I couldn't bare to hear anymore Jennie. Your excuses meant so little to me. So, I lifted my hand, silencing your next empty words.

 

"We're over."

 

I didn't want to say it but I knew I had to. For my sake and for my hearts sake. My heart was drowning in its own blood and it was all because of you. And it bled even more seeing tears sliding down your smooth cheek. The cheek I use to caress so gently was soaked. But, for what reason? Isn't that what you wanted? Didn't you want us to end already?

 

"Please leave."

 

I begged. I felt suffocated with you just merely standing in front of me. I wanted to tune you out, especially your soft cries that tickled my ears in the worst way possible.

 

But you refused to leave. You refused to give me the space I deserved. Most importantly, you refused to give my aching heart mercy. So, I grew angry. 

 

"What more do you want Jennie?! You should be happy! You're finally going to be with the man you actually and genuinely love!" I shouted. I was aggressive with my tone yes, but your betrayal was far worse than the high volume of my voice. My voice shook and broke. I looked away, needing a different sight to grasp my attention and help me avoid your pained gaze.

 

Your pain radiated off of your small body. It felt so strong that it was like I could touch it and feel it kissing my fingertips. But it couldn't compare to the pain I felt as my gaze landed on my wall.

 

It was just an ordinary blank barrier between my room and yours. That wall was filled with pictures of my life, covering the plain color. There were so many pictures of not just my family and I, but pictures of us. We looked happy Jennie. 

 

But, anger bubbled up and burned my chest. It was like those photos laughed and mocked me. 

 

Our happiness mocked me.

 

So, I hated the sight.

 

That wasn't us anymore.

 

It was like a switch inside me. One second I was seated on my bed and the next I was by my wall, hastily removing every memory of us together off of the cold white wall. Cold, just like my tears that blurred my vision. I watched my hands rip off the pictures harshly and throw it into my trash bin one by one.

 

It hurt. Oh God, it hurt.

 

You screamed and begged for me to stop, even tried holding onto my arm but I ignored you. I ignored you just like how you ignored my bleeding heart.

 

"Stop it!" You shouted, sobbed. 

 

I gritted my teeth and forcefully turned around to face you, "Why? We're not together anymore."

 

Those words tasted bitter on my tongue. It disgusted me. And, it seemed to have pained you. Why? Why are you crying Jennie? Why are you so desperate for me to stop and talk things through with you? There's nothing left to say but Goodbye.

 

"Don't say that." You said. It was soft and filled with anything but happiness. So, dropping the last picture that was pinched in between my fingertips, I lifted my hand and placed it on your soaked cheek Jennie. Your cheek felt so soft and warm, just how I remembered. I don't think I'd ever forget. 

 

I scanned your face slowly, wanting to memorize every single detail. You're so beautiful Jennie. But, now it was no longer my job to remind you every day.

 

"If I don't let you go. Then, how will you ever be truly happy with him?"

 

I needed to know that you were going to be happy. I needed to know that you were going to be taken care of. And, I needed to know you were going to be loved the same way I love you. 

 

Your body trembled and sobs suddenly wracked your body harshly. You shook your head and leaned your cheek deeper into my palm. I could feel your tears flooding in my hand. You were hurting my love. But I was hurting more than you could ever imagine.

 

"No no no.." you repeated. And the volume of your voice only increased as my hand slowly slipped from your cheek. You reached forward and tried to reach for me but I stepped back and smiled softly with my tears pooling down. I exhaled,

""I know that you don't, but, if I asked you if you loved me, I hope you'd lie to me."

I wanted it to be a dream. I needed it to be a dream. I just couldn't fathom the thought or the fact that you weren't mine anymore. The feeling was sickening. It felt like a disease that had no cure. An endless kind of suffering.

 

You wept and wept and I just watched. I watched your eyes meet mine and scream for me. Those dangerous feline eyes silently begged me to hold you like I use to, but I couldn't move. I wouldn't allow myself to move.

 

"Jennie, please leave."

 

Please give my heart mercy.

 

I spoke quietly and ripped my sight off of you. But, again you didn't leave. You continued to refuse my pleas and cries. Angrily, I huffed out a breath and turned my whole body around, away from you.

 

I found myself facing the wall again. I stared towards the empty spots on the wall. And those blank areas will forever be reminded that I felt just as empty and hollow as them. It was as if those blank areas stared at me just as brokenly as I stared at them.

 

But, you suddenly held me from behind Jennie. And all those broken thoughts were removed just by the warmth of your body. I felt my breath hitch as your face was pressed against my spine. I could feel your tears soaking the fabric while your body trembled against me.

 

Why were you crying? Wasn't this what you wanted?

 

"I love you Lisa, I really do."

 

I could only shut my eyes and pull my bottom lip in between my teeth. I wanted to believe you, I really did. All I wanted to do was lean my back closer to you and relish the loving warmth of you. I wanted to turn back and around and capture your lips, tasting the sweet strawberry flavor of your gloss and express to you how much I love you.

 

But, when I opened my eyes and looked down at your hands that held me, I felt my blood run cold and my world pause for a mere heartbeat. 

 

My tears fell onto your hand—

 

No

 

— your bare hand. 

 

You weren't wearing our ring as well.

 

So, no Jennie, you didn't love me. That ring was a symbol of our forever and you removed it as if it was nothing. You removed it before you saw him. Have you always removed it without me knowing?

 

"You don't love me," I croaked out. My throat felt dry and my chest felt heavy. It was as if the blood that had shed from my heart, flooded my chest, leaving no room for it to beat or for me to breathe. I felt you feverishly shaking your head and tightening your hold around my waist.

 

"I do!"

 

I ignored you and placed my trembling hand over yours. Just feeling your soft hand in mine caused a soft quiet sob to escape from me, especially when I tried to fight through your grip. 

 

It was if I was pushing through the cage you held me captive in and the medal bars around me only tightened the more I fought. Please, let me be free.

 

"That's the thing, if you truly and deeply loved me Jennie—,"

 

I paused as my sight suddenly landed on a photo in the bin. It was my favorite picture. Your head was rested upon my shoulder during one of our concerts. Your eyes shined brightly and my smile had never looked so wide.

 

 

 

"If you truly loved me—," I repeated, "you wouldn't have done the things that you have done to me."

 

I couldn't muster out the word. I refused to muster out that word. That single word alone devastated me, broke me, angered me and so much more. 

 

You broke me.

 

I do believed you loved me once Jennie. And those feelings and memories I will forever cherish, but for now please spare me from this pain and — "Let me go."

 

You shook your head against me and sobbed so hard, maybe harder than I have ever heard you cry.

 

"If I do, I'll lose you."

 

"That's the thing Jennie, you already did."

 

I knew for a fact that I was finally free. I was finally free from your cage. It was as if I finally reached over and snatched the key out of your tight grasp when you were preoccupied with another heart.

 

I was free.

 

But, why didn't I feel free?

 

Maybe it was because my heart still stayed back and clutched onto your hand. I tried ripping it out of your grasp but my heart only held onto you tighter. It didn't want to leave you. And it seemed like you refused to give my heart up too. You clutched onto it so tightly. You were crying and begging to keep it. To keep my battered heart.

 

But I couldn't let you. Why wouldn't my heart just let you go?

 

Was it because it new I would miss the way your hands held me, touched me? They possessed me in so many ways. Or, was it with the way my heart new I would miss your lips? Just a small taste would leave me breathless and wanting more. My heart new I'll forever be wanting more. 

 

But do you know what my heart forgot to acknowledge? It forgot the lies. The deceit. The betrayal.

 

My patience was running thin. Especially with the way you remained rooted in front of me. Why were you always so stubborn? It came to the point I felt my fingers piercing the inside of my hand. It stung, but it couldn't compare to what I felt in my chest.

 

I then watched your lips part, ready to explain and fill my ears with more lies. But then your text tone went off and I just knew. The sound filled the silence and I held in my breath as you fished for your phone in your pocket. You pursed your lips and fidgeted while glancing up at me. A knot grew in my stomach. I felt sick.

 

"You should probably go. He's waiting for you right?"

 

Fear filled your eyes again. 

 

"Lisa don't leave me."

 

You begged. Funny, that use to be me when you would constantly leave our dates early. 

 

"Why? Your one and only lover is waiting for you."

 

I didn't mean to sound so cold or sarcastic but the ache in me couldn't help itself. You flinched and gripped onto your chest as if my words shot through you and pierced your heart. 

 

Why? 

 

It seemed like I'll always be asking that. But, I also realize I don't think I'll ever get the answer. Not when you continue to reach for me and act like our ending isn't real.

 

"I don't want him." 

 

You sounded breathless. I scoffed at that,

 

"Oh, and I suppose you want me to actually believe that?"

 

Aren't you tired of lying?

 

You suddenly groaned and threw your phone to side,

 

"I know I messed up. I know what I did to you— to us!! It is unforgivable. But please don't leave me! It was a mistake!"

 

You saw it as a mistake while I saw it as a betrayal. You betrayed me. And just reading your eyes and watching those tears fall, you knew it too. 

 

"Y-You let him touch you Jennie! You allowed someone to—."

 

I couldn't finish  sentence. I felt as if I was going to vomit. The fear in your eyes increased seeing as I was backing away from you. I had to get away from you. 

 

"How could you Jennie? How could you let him touch you the way that I did or k-kiss you? Did I ever cross your mind at all?"

 

I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop. I needed you to hear me. To hear my pain that you seemed to ignore for months.

 

"It hurts Jennie! So damn much! I can't sleep, I can't eat! I can't breathe Jennie!"

 

You flinched and cried harder with every word that escaped from me. I didn't realize I was crying myself till I felt my own tears sliding down my neck and soaking my shirt. The pain was unbearable. My body trembled and ached. Everything ached. And it was all because of you.

 

"It hurts loving you Jennie and I can't do it anymore."

 

My hand gripped onto my chest. I couldn't breathe. I started panting Jennie and your eyes grew wide as I suddenly fell onto my knees. You rushed over to me and held my shoulders. I've always had trouble breathing. And you were always there to help me. But I didn't want your help anymore. 

 

I tried pushing you away but you only held me tighter. You pressed your forehead against mine and told me to breathe with you. I did. 

 

Our breathing was in sync, just like our hearts. I felt it when you placed my hand over your chest. You wanted me to focus on the beating.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

I heard you whisper after I was able to stay in control of my breathing.

 

"I know."

 

Was the last thing I said before I fell unconscious.

 

And, when I woke up, I was tucked comfortably under my blankets. And, I was shocked not only because you were sleeping soundly beside me, nor was it because you didn't go with Kai, but because, for the very first time in a while,you stayed with me.

It was a rare sight to see. It truly was. 

 

I haven't woken up with you beside me in weeks.

 

So why now?

 

Why did you have to sleep beside me now?

 

I wanted to wake you up and force you out of my room. But, all I remembered was wanting to reach over and pull you closer because I knew a smile would break through. You'd snuggle closer into my warmth and whisper "good morning." But, before I could even lift a finger, you tilted your head to the side and I saw the mark.

 

It was the mark that was made days ago.

 

A mark that wasn't made from me.

 

And, it was the reason why I removed your arm off of my waist. I sat up while you opened your eyes. It took you a while to adjust your sight but when you did, fear invaded and settled inside those brown eyes. 

 

I had to look away.

 

"H-How are you feeling?"

 

The strange tone of your voice sounded desperate. You were desperate for me to meet your eyes and desperate for me to say, I didn't mean to end us.

 

But I meant it.

 

So, instead of saying 'I'm okay,' I said,

 

"You should probably cover that hickey. We have a photoshoot in a couple of hours."

 

I could hear my heart screaming and begging me to stop just by saying those words. I hazarded another glance to you, only to look away again seeing your own gaze casted down to our hands that were only centimeters apart. You tried to reach for me, but I immediately removed myself from the bed and away from your touch.

 

I asked you to leave, but you still stayed seated on my bed, 

 

"Can we please talk? I just want to explain myself."

 

You've never sounded so weak to me.

 

You wanted me to say yes. You wanted me to hear you out and give you another chance. Did you really believe that I didn't want to?

 

I wanted to, so bad. I wanted to face you and see you smile again, but I couldn't. 

 

All those memories of you hurting me endlessly continued to flash inside my head. It blocked the only path I had to remember your beautiful smile. It was as if, no matter how hard I tried to reach for it, the image of you smiling would transform into a sickening smirk. And, that smirk would would only widen when I would cry as other memories of you pushed me to the floor.

 

The memories of your happiness mocked me because I was no longer the reason for your smiles.

 

"There's nothing to explain. You love someone else and we're done. Now, can you please leave."

 

It was like a storm was growing in my chest. It was cold and dark. It not only scared you, but it frightened me. This wasn't who I was. I don't get angry Jennie. But you not giving me the space that I deserved infuriated me to the point I could no longer bite my tongue. Especially when you told me that you still loved me.

 

"Like I said, if you loved me, you wouldn't have allowed—."

 

I couldn't finish that sentence. That sentence alone was eating me alive. But, I continued,

 

"You did something I would have never thought of doing. I could never do what you did to me. I loved you with everything that I had but it just wasn't enough for you, was it?

 

My voice seemed to have a mind of its own— no. It was the hurt that finally decided to speak. I looked down at the bin and instantly kicked it to the wall. I couldn't stomach the sight of our pictures. 

 

"Lisa, plea—."

 

"No Jennie!  Every night, every damn night I waited for you. I waited for the real you to come back to me but you never did. The only thing you came back with was his scent."

 

Couldn't you feel my pain Jennie? If you could, why didn't you just leave me the hell alone?

 

I turned back around and stared down at you. Tears continued running down your cheeks while your eyes screamed defeat. You knew it was over just from the sight of the emptiness in my eyes. I felt empty and it was because of your lies.

 

"You cheated on me."

 

I said the word I could never say. And it felt awful. I watched your body tense and I heard the quiet sob escape from you. You hugged your own body because you knew I didn't want to lay a single finger on you without wanting to cry or scream.

 

"You cheated on me. And I will never forgive you for that. Did those three years of us mean nothing to you?"

 

You were hysterically crying at this point. Your body shook and this time, it was your eyes that screamed pain and longing. I had to look away again. That sight will forever be imprinted in the back of my head and I absolutely hated it.

 

I needed to leave my room. I needed to escape from you. But before I could even open the door, I stopped and faced your broken state. And, by saying these upcoming words, your cries for me only intensified after I officially walked out on you.

 

"You didn't just break us Jennie. You broke me too."

 

Two weeks had passed since you and I officially broke up.

 

Everything seemed to be different. The dorm that was once filled with either the sound of laughter, obnoxious bickering or music was now deathly silent. Topics were avoided, eyes were blank. Lips were shut, cries were silent. Like I said, different. However, the one thing that wasn't really different was me.

 

But, I wanted to be different.

 

By different, I wasn't referring to the happy Lisa. That happy Lisa was gone the moment your heart was ripped out of my grasp. 

 

By different, I meant, I no longer wanted to care.

 

I wanted to change. I wanted to hurt everyone just the way you hurt me. I wasn't oblivious, I knew plenty of women that always tried to pursue me. But, because I was so damn in love with you, I rejected them all.

 

I just wanted to forget and numb the pain. 

 

Escaping the mind and pain sounded lovely didn't it?

 

So, I searched for any desperate woman in my contact list. And, you saw me. You watched me with sad eyes, smirking down at my phone screen almost everyday. I know you've heard me on the phone a couple of times, flirting with other woman in the living room. You would scoff and storm out of the room whenever it occurred. That reaction alone would only cause my smirk to widen.

 

But, I hadn't realized I still wasn't the only one left in the room. Because, when you left, I was so engrossed in texting a woman that I didn't notice a figure slowly seating themselves beside me till a pale hand gently covered my screen. 

 

It was Rosé.

 

And, it was when I met her eyes, my chest tightened. Her eyes screamed disappointment, something I've never seen before. I watched part and heard every single word from her.

 

"Is this really who you want to be?"

 

I stopped using women to make you jealous since then. That wasn't who I was. I don't use and break other people just because I felt used and broken myself. No matter how hard I tried to hurt you, I knew I was only hurting myself. Using those other women only made me feel even more hollow than I already was.

 

I was losing myself.

 

And, one night, I didn't know what it was, but the pain inside me felt even worse than before. Maybe it was because I heard you on the phone with him. Your voice was muffled but your giggles were as clear as my tears that tried fighting their way out.

 

I remembered how my pain was eating me alive to the point sleep had became inconceivable. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think and I just wanted to numb it all. And, with each word and each giggle made by you felt like multiple needles piercing my heart one by one. 

 

I had to get out of there.

 

I went to get a glass of water to cool down till a particular bottle took my attention away from the water in my hand.

 

Forget

 

Forget

 

Forget

 

That word repeated in my mind as I stared at the bubbly, gold drink. A beer wouldn't have hurt me the way you did right? It would only put a pause on my aching heart. And a pause was better than nothing. 

 

Desperation had officially consumed me. 

 

I was ready to forget it all. But, before I could even lay a finger on the cold glass, a hand took a hold of my wrist.

 

It was Jisoo.

 

And, you know what she told me?

 

"Don't let the hurt change who you are."

 

And after that week, I did become different. But not in a way where I turned to substance abuse, nor was it the way I used women as a distraction. I finally absorbed the pain, and slowly released it out of me.

 

Days I lived in denial that I was truly hurting.

 

So, I let the pain finally resurface without a fight.

 

And that led me into acceptance.

 

But, that wasn't the only thing that led me to where I was now.

 

It was when I answered the door, I was to face to face with the man that started it all.

 

That man stood there with a mock like smirk painted for me and me alone to see. He was asking for you. And that was when I officially realized that you, Jennie Kim, were no longer— mine.

 

 

My voice was calm when I greeted him and my eyes were dull when I noticed a bouquet of flowers in his hands. 

 

Roses.

 

I wanted to laugh in mockery. You preferred the star shaped flowers, Hyacinth. Those were the flowers of your birth month, how could he not know?

 

But, instead of closing the door on the man that stole my life, I simply opened it. I allowed him into our dorm, just the way I allowed you to continue on with the deceit.

 

You weren't home is what I told him. You were out grocery shopping with Rosé and Jisoo. He didn't mind waiting. But I minded. 

 

How could I do this to myself? How could I sit with the man that touched you? That kissed you? And that loves you the way that I do?

 

I wished I had the answers.

 

"So, you know everything that's been going on between me and Jennie?"

 

Is what he asked me. His tone sent an uncomfortable chill to run down my spine. It was filled with ridicule. Was he trying to assert his dominance and stare at me as if I was nothing? If so, he was failing miserably.

 

"I think you already know the answer to that."

 

I said, voice as bland as it could be. I refused to show him the damage he had done to me. He had no right to win this battle.

 

He chuckled and placed the roses on the table, purposely showing what I can no longer do for you anymore,

 

"You know, I always wondered what you felt when you knew she came home with me on her mind. Hurt? Betrayed? Angry?"

 

I could feel my nails piercing the palm of my hand. I tried transferring the sharp ache in my heart towards the skin of  hand. I didn't care if I damaged it. It was better than a damaged heart right?

 

I remained silent.

 

"Maybe all of the above? I mean, how could you not?" I watched him pause and lean forward on the table across from me with that same menacing smirk. "You did smell my cologne on her I'm assuming?"

 

I leaned forward too, "You assumed correctly, but maybe you should change your cologne brand. The smell isn't too favorable around here. It's pretty distasteful if you asked me."

 

It was my turn to smirk. You should've seen the annoyance burning in his eyes Jennie, it was quite entertaining. But, then, a flicker of excitement filled his eyes and the smirk unfortunately returned.

 

"The mark on her neck was pretty distasteful as well right? I'm sorry about that, I didn't mean to go that far."

 

I grew silent again. 

 

"We were just stuck in the moment. You've had those moments with her before so you must understand."

 

This is who you love now? When did an egotistical prick become your type? When were you ever attracted to someone as pretentious as him? I'm disappointed in you Jennie.

 

"You don't have to worry though, I promise I'll—."

 

"I'm not worried."

 

I cut him off. I could no longer handle the truth that was said out in the open. 

 

"I'm not worried about anything. What you and her do is none of my business. She's a big girl, she can handle herself."

 

His eyes widened in surprised and disappointment. Guess it wasn't the reaction he was hoping for. What did he want? Did he want me to break because I was already broken. Nothing he can do can make matters worse.

 

"I'm not the jealous type Kai. You and Jennie can do as you please. She's not mine anymore."

 

Strangely enough, at that same moment a small shuffle of a footstep was made from behind Kai. It was the girls and you. I knew you were standing there for a while now. That's why I had to cut him off. I didn't want you to hear what he was saying about you. 

 

Thankfully Kai didn't hear you. I knew you girl