The process is slow and gradual. It took gummy smiles and laughter that came easy with just a simple joke or a joyful teasing. Nonetheless, the effect is devastating enough that Luda doesn't know how to deal with it.

It's not like Luda's never had a crush before. In high school she had a crush on this girl who was a year older than her. After two years of pining and not doing anything, Luda figured there are more better things to do with her time.

But after years of repressing her attraction for someone, Luda has come unfamiliar with the squeezing of her heart that comes with liking someone.

 

At first she was just Kim Jiyeon, a cute girl she met by chance in a cafe no more, no less.

They met at a cafe near campus. Luda is there to burn time before her next class when Jiyeon calls her attention by frantically asking if she was alone.

"Excuse me but are you with someone?"

"No, not really."

Luda kind of already figured out where the conversation was going. Jiyeon has a laptop clutched to her chess and Luda is sitting on a table right by the plug. She's sitting on the table that everyone wants.

"Do you mind sharing the table?"

When Luda doesn't respond quickly, Jiyeon starts, "I know there are plenty of seats but I really need to charge my laptop to finish a report due this afternoon and you're the only one by the plug who seems to be alone. I have two hours before the deadline and I'm not even halfway through it, please I won't even talk I just really – "

She's practically begging that Luda has to stop the poor girl from talking. "Whoa, take a breath. I don't mind sharing, please, take a seat."

"Thank you so much," The girl says as she untangles her laptop charger in a haste, offering Luda a quick, sincere smile. She nods at her, offering a smile of her own.

When the silence settles, Luda glances at the girl who seems too focused on her report to notice her staring. She doesn't look as disheveled as she seemed when she was first asking for the seat. In fact, Luda notes, she's really, really pretty.

They sit in together and it's a bit awkward sharing a table with a stranger, sure – but it's not that bad. Just as the stranger said, she kept to herself and so did Luda (mostly).

Twenty minutes before 4pm, the girl exhales with a bright smile on her face.

"Okay," The girl says as she closes her laptop. She relaxes on her seat, closing her eyes. "I submitted it."

After a few seconds of pleased silence, the girl looks at Luda (who was playing on her phone, of course and was definitely not stealing glances at the girl every now and then) and thanks her again.

"Thank you. I swear, you're a lifesaver."

"You don't have to thank me so much. The seat was empty anyway."

"But still, most people probably wouldn't have said yes." Jiyeon insists and in an instant her eyes brighten, it's almost animated how she springs up in joy. "Let me get you something as thanks!"

"You don't have to…" Luda starts but Jiyeon is already on her way to the counter ordering, well, Luda doesn't know. But she comes back with two plates of cheesecakes and an Americano.

When the girl hands her one of the cheesecakes, Luda thanks her with a shy smile because how can she say no to a pretty girl offering her cheesecake?

"I'm Kim Jiyeon by the way." The girl speaks as Luda was halfway through her cheesecake and the silence was a bit discomforting.

Kim Jiyeon, as she introduced herself, is smiling again. Her eyes are bright and inviting of a conversation.

"Ah, Lee Luda." She says with a nod.

They spend the next hour at the cafe. Luda doesn't have class for at least an hour and a half and Jiyeon doesn't seem to be in a rush to be anywhere else.

They make small talk until it's time for Luda to leave. Jiyeon thanks her again with her sweet smile and bids her goodbye.

Luda learns that she shares a class with Jiyeon on a Wednesday when the new semester comes around.

Intro to Psychology, an elective course that she took just because she needs to fill up her credit requirements. It was the first day of class and she doesn't have much expectation from it.

"Lee Luda?" when a skeptical voice asks her while she's taking out a pen from her bag, she looks up to see a familiar face. She's beautiful and she's smiling at her but Luda is having difficulty in placing a name on her pretty face.

"Kim Jiyeon. We met at the cafe?"

"Ah," Luda says as memories from two months ago come back to her.

She remembers the pretty girl in the cafe and how she occupied Luda's thoughts for the next few days. She remembers wondering if they'll ever meet again. She remembers having a tiny crush but thinking she probably won't see her ever again - so Luda puts her little crush aside and forgets about it.

Or so Luda thought, but here they are, Luda on her seat and the same girl from the cafe standing in front of her.

"Can I sit here?" Jiyeon asks, pointing at the seat next to her and when Luda nods, she slides down to the seat with a smile.

Lately, she's Kim Jiyeon, the reason why Intro to Psychology isn't such a boring class after all.

It serves like a small consolation, seeing Jiyeon and talking to Jiyeon during the mind numbing lectures about social psychology concepts and theories. In every class, they sit together, the professor talks endlessly while Luda tries to take notes, sometimes stealing glances at Jiyeon.

One day, by the end of class, Luda's mind is filled with nothing about psychology but with the curiosity of whether Jiyeon is single or not. Before Luda can ask, Jiyeon's phone rings

on the table. The caller ID is saved with hearts by the name, Hyunjung. The caller picture is Jiyeon and a girl with pale skin and dark eyes. Jiyeon is pressing a kiss on the girl's cheek in the picture.

"Ah, unnie," Jiyeon says when she picks up the call.

Luda doesn't listen because that would be rude wouldn't it? Instead, she swallows the question down and tells herself to get it together, it's just a little crush.

 

She goes straight to the dorms after class, heading to her bed and falling face down to it.

"What's up with you?" her roommate asks.

"Nothing." Luda says with a sigh.

"Please, we haven't been friends for years just for me to fall for your lies."

Nam Dawon, as perceptive as ever. Luda groans before sitting up and looking at her straight in the eyes. Dawon closes her book and sets it by the nightstand, an indication that she can talk if Luda wants.

"Really, it's nothing." she says as a flimsy attempt to avoid the conversation and Luda knows she just made it more suspicious.

When Dawon rolls her eyes and tells her that she can sense Luda lying a mile away, Luda gives in and tells her about the girl in her elective class who sits with her every Wednesday. She also tells her about her pathetic crush on a girl who is probably in a relationship.

At the end of it, Dawon just says with sympathy, "Oh. Oh, Luda."

Heat flares up Luda's face and with a frown she insists once again.

"It really is nothing. I'll get over it. Really."

"I'm pretty sure having a crush on someone with a girlfriend isn't nothing."

"Ridiculous, right?" Luda says with hum. Closing her eyes as she leans back to the wall.

Dawon doesn't say anything for a while then sighs as if Luda's girl problems are her very own.

"Look, I don't know what to tell you. If she has a girlfriend then we can't do anything about that. But if it's just as you say, a little crush," Dawon air quotes the last bit like she doesn't believe Luda, "then you'll get over it. If it's too much to handle, you can always just transfer out of the class, okay?"

"Guess so," Luda says as her mind wanders back to Jiyeon smiling at her unflinchingly.

Smiles so sincere that it's making Luda's insides squeamish.

 

Luda doesn't transfer class. For the next two months she spends the class with Jiyeon, getting closer to her and being friends with her. At some point they exchange phone numbers, sometimes they talk about class, sometimes they study together at that cafe where they first met.

She learns a number of things about Jiyeon. She can't function without her coffee. She's a student from the College of Liberal Arts. She can also be fairly stubborn about wanting Luda to call her unnie. She has a girlfriend from the same college and they live together.

Everything she learns about Jiyeon, she takes in, even the information that makes her feel like there are thorns lodged on .

In learning about Jiyeon, Luda learns a thing or two about herself too. She loves Jiyeon's eye-smile the best. She loves it when Jiyeon hooks an arm around her neck to how small she is. She loves the sound of her obnoxious but cute laugh.

Luda wonders about whether she can give up on Kim Jiyeon.

Every time after a quiz, Jiyeon invites her regularly to hangout, saying that they worked hard and that they deserve to have fun. They watch a movie or they go to karaoke or sometimes, they hit the arcade. It's fun being with Jiyeon when their interactions are not restricted in the four walls of their classroom.

One time they also went to a museum. It's Luda who suggests it when Jiyeon complains to her about a report she has to write about contemporary art.

She watches Jiyeon as she points to various pieces and she listens with fondness as Jiyeon talks about the influences relevant to the artist to create the pieces, the complex issues that shape it.

Luda listens to it all with a smile. Jiyeon looks at her with excitement as she talks and it's infuriatingly adorable and definitely not helping Luda to get over her ridiculous crush.

When they're on their way back, Jiyeon tells her that she'll walk her back to the dorms. Luda tries to refuse but Jiyeon tells her that it's the least she can do after dragging Luda all over the museum all day. She relents because if she can spend more time with Jiyeon, Luda would take it.

Just as they reach the dorms and Luda is about to enter, Jiyeon pulls her aside holding her by her elbow. Her fingers are warm, so incredibly warm and it's enough to make Luda's heart hammer on her chest uncontrollably.

"Luda," Jiyeon trails off and she clears . Luda is looking at her and she feels the slight trembling of her hands.

The silence stretches further and Luda can't take the tension anymore that she speaks.

"What?" and as soon as she speaks Jiyeon's eyes are on her, staring with evident nervousness that it's confusing Luda.

Luda thinks about leaning up to kiss her, because she's so close. Jiyeon is so close to her, holding her arm and it would be so, so easy to just lean up and kiss her. But she doesn't, she can't. Not when there are risks to consider.

So instead, Luda gives Jiyeon a bright smile.

"Did you have fun?" Luda asks.

And it was enough to bring Jiyeon back from whatever was running amok in her mind. She heaves out a shaky exhale as she replies.

"With you?" There's a soft smile curling on Jiyeon's lips. "Of course I did."

The tender way she said it is making Luda's knees feel weak and her affectionate squeeze on Luda's arm is making emotions clog up on .

Luda manages a smile, "Great. I did too."

The worst part about trying to get over Jiyeon is Jiyeon herself.

After the day at the museum, something changed. Luda isn't sure what it is but she feels it. And she sees it too, in some way.

She sees it in the way Jiyeon looks at her, eyes flicking to Luda, then away with a shy smile and tiny laugh. Sometimes she her lips, as if she's nervous about something. It doesn't make sense and it confuses Luda more as she catches Jiyeon staring at her more frequently.

She has a girlfriend. Luda would remind herself of this fact over and over again. But every time she steals a glance at Jiyeon only to find her already staring, it makes it harder to set aside what she feels for her.

When they catch each other's eyes, they blush and they laugh about it. It's great, feeling this much happiness just from a single look from Jiyeon.

Luda feels elated, she feels like she can actually fly just by being with Jiyeon like this. She feels so amazing that she forgets how dangerous this is for her. She forgets that this is something she can't have.

Luda is so close to the edge now and she doesn't know if she can pull herself up if she decides it's okay to let herself fall just to see what it can be like to be with Jiyeon.

It's giving Luda hope and it scares her that it will just make the heartbreak much more painful. After all, hope can move mountains or maybe break them if one isn't careful.

The first time Luda meets Kim Hyunjung is when Jiyeon invites her to come over.

"Want to come over to my place?"

"Really?"

Luda is reluctant. Jiyeon lives with her girlfriend and she doesn't think she would be comfortable with the idea of being in their shared space.

"Yeah," Jiyeon smiles fondly at her. "We can play Mario Kart or something."

Luda thinks about saying no, thinks about potential reasons to decline. But she tells Jiyeon, sure. Luda thinks she can't say no to Jiyeon even if she tries.

She comes over and they play Mario Kart and Super Smash Bros. Luda also brought her copy of Breath of the Wild just to see how bad Jiyeon would be at the game.

And while Jiyeon is trying to kill a bokoblin, Luda takes a moment to glance all over the apartment. It feels as homey as it looks, Luda notes. She marvels over a collection of books at one corner and a set of pictures hanging by another side of the wall.

She looks back at the screen just as Jiyeon dies from the hit from the bokoblin.

Jiyeon, being dramatic and all, drapes herself all over Luda and complains about the game mechanics being too hard.

"It's not hard, you're just really bad at it." Luda laughs at her with a roll of her eyes.

"I'm not bad at it. I'm just trying to get the hang of it." She looks genuinely offended that it's actually funny.

Luda is giving Jiyeon tips and know-hows when someone enters the apartment and somehow Luda knows exactly who she is.

She's seen her multiple times, from Jiyeon's phone whenever she calls, from the pictures hanging by the wall of the very apartment she's in.

She's taller than Luda initially thought and she looks more striking than her photos. Full red lips, black eyes and black hair. Just like Jiyeon, she's beautiful.

The girl stops in her tracks to see an unfamiliar face inside the apartment and it prompts Luda to stand up and bow to her in greeting. Jiyeon, too immersed in the game, doesn't realize that they're no longer alone.

"Is the game that good that you're ignoring me?" The girl says with a fake-seriousness and it doesn't fail to get Jiyeon's attention.

"Unnie, you're back." pausing the game, Jiyeon jumps to her feet and rushes over to her girlfriend to give her a hug.

Luda doesn't dare to look away from them. She was right, she is uncomfortable being in their shared space.

"Yeah, class just ended."

And Luda sees and hears it, the affection she radiates as she accepts Jiyeon's hug and reciprocates.

"So," Jiyeon's girlfriend is smiling at her now, attention shifting from Jiyeon to Luda. She clears , "You're Luda then?"

From the lack of surprise in her tone, Luda assumes that Jiyeon has already told her girlfriend about her. Probably told her that she's having a friend over.

"I am, yes." Luda bows again and tries her best to keep a smile on her face.

"Kim Hyunjung," she introduces herself with a small smile, "Jiyeon won't shut up about you."

Jiyeon talks about her? Luda doesn't know what to do with that information.

"Hey! I do shut up about her." Jiyeon hits Hyunjung's arm with a laugh and starts pushing her further into the apartment, probably towards their room. "Wash up, I'll prepare dinner."

Luda watches them, she needs to see them like this, she needs to see them in the comfort of each other. Maybe that would help her get over Jiyeon.

When Hyunjung invites her to stay over for dinner, she politely declines. She tells them that her roommate is probably waiting for her which is a lie because Dawon is out with Mei Qi.

She leaves. She doesn't dare to forget how Jiyeon seemed to naturally drift towards Hyunjung and Hyunjung to Jiyeon. She doesn't let herself forget.

Luda comes over multiple times and she's pleasantly surprised by how easy it is to be with both Jiyeon and Hyunjung. The first few hangouts with Hyunjung were filled with awkward silences and pregnant pauses, but soon enough, they found a dynamic that fit.

It was probably easier because Hyunjung has been nothing but welcoming to Luda. There's evident comfort that both Hyunjung and Jiyeon seem to carry just by being around each other. The comfort is so inviting that it seeps into Luda and draws her in.

She thought she would hate it. She thought she would hate that whatever it is that Hyunjung has with Jiyeon, she'd never have it. She thought she would hate seeing Jiyeon with her girlfriend. She thought she'd hate Hyunjung.

She didn't think it was possible to actually be friends with the girlfriend of the girl she's crushing on.

 

Luda is in their apartment again to help Jiyeon with shrines she can't clear and towers she's having difficulty in accessing. Jiyeon denies it but she really is bad at the game so she needs as much help as she can.

At some point Hyunjung joins them on the couch, sitting at Jiyeon's other side. She thought it would be awkward with Hyunjung around but they seem to have formed a bond by teasing Jiyeon about how she keeps on dying.

When Jiyeon dies for the fifth time from a guardian, Luda asks for the controller. She kills the guardian with a single parry and Jiyeon rolls her eyes and says, "Show off."

Hyunjung knows nothing about Breath of the Wild but somehow she has all these ridiculous ideas on how to solve the shrine puzzles that Jiyeon (and even Luda, but they don't have to know) is having difficulty with.