I stare out the window at the pile of white roses on my front porch, careful to stay crouched down and keep my face to the side of the curtains in case my house is being watched. There are little notes attached to the rose stems with pink satin ribbon, and I don't even attempt to swallow back the lump in my throat.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper to Jisoo's flowers.

Sehun went to bed hours ago and I know that where I should be, too. It's well after midnight and we need all the sleep we can get before our sunrise mission, especially after our ious night of sedatives and travel. But I can't seem to drag myself away from this window. These past few days I've been twisted with worry and fear over where appa is and what kind of danger he's in. And all I can think is that Jisoo has been going through the same distress over me for weeks.

What if this is the last time I ever see Jeongsan-what if this is the last time I ever see her? If I die in Gyeonggi, Jisoo will be left to forever wonder where I went. Her best friend will have just disappeared into thin air.

"Promise me something," Jisoo says, her hair getting caught in her lip gloss in the warm summer breeze.

"Anything," I say, perching on the fence separating Jinyoung's house from his family's back field, the air thick with humidity and the woods buzzing with crickets.

"Don't say 'anything' when you don't know what I'm going to ask," Jisoo says, leaning against the fence post.

"Most people would delighted by that answer," I say, flashing her a big smile. "You could make me promise to kiss one of Jinyoung's cows or steak through the center of town."

She gives me a look like I'm the most ridiculous person she's ever met, a routine we play out so often that the Marco Polo-ness of it is comforting. "By 'most people,' you mean you."

I swat the back of my neck, where I'm pretty sure a mosquito just bit me. "I most certainly do."

"I'm serious," she says, and gives me a warning look.

"Okay, tell me," I say instead of instigating her further, because there is something uncertain in her tone, and Jisoo's never uncertain, even when she's wrong.

"I saw the Gangwon University brochure in the stack of mail on your table," she says, and she hesitates. "I just . . . I just want you to promise me that if you want to go someone where else you'll tell me." Her voice is smaller than it usually is and there's worry written in the lines of her forehead.

"I don't understand," I say, now unsure myself, and repeat the familiar phrase we've said in some version since the beginning of ninth grade. "It's close enough to come home on the weekends and far enough to escape the watchful eyes of Namjoon. Basically perfect." I study her. We've always said we would go to Gangwon together. Always.

"No. I know. I mean . . ." She looks momentarily toward the buzzing woods as though they might help her make her point.

And suddenly it dawns on me why she might be asking. "Wait . . . do you want to go somewhere else?" I say, my heart picking up speed, bracing for the possibility that on this lazy mundane summer afternoon, best friend might tell me she's leaving.

"No!" she says, the word exploding from . "Don't even think it!"

"You thought it about me," I fire back, and it takes me a moment to rebound from the adrenaline rush.

For a second we're both quiet, breathing in the soupy air, which smells like grass and cows, our chest rising and falling a little faster.

"You're serious," I say. "You're not just randomly asking me a question." I stare at Jisoo and it's obvious she is. "Something happened, didn't it? What happened, Jisoo?" I say her name with enough emphasis that she huffs.

"The Namjoon," she says like a deflating balloon.

I pull back to look at her, even though I don't need to. "Appa?" I say, my words full of disbelief. "Appa, who always tells us that we're saving him a lot of money because now he won't need to fly across the country every weekend to check on us? That appa?"

Jisoo presses her lips together.

"You know I'm going to get it out of you one way or another," I say, wiping the sweat from my forehead with the back of my forearm. "You might as well just tell me."

Jisoo shakes her head, but not like she's telling me no, like she's unsure. "I don't know. It was weird. He saw me looking at the brochure and he asked me if it was actually my first choice. I told him of course it was, but he just stood there with one of his all-knowing stares. Then he asked if I would go there even if you weren't here."

My eyebrows push together. Jisoo has always been a better student than me, likely the best in the entire school. "You know you could if you wanted to . . . go to some fancy school," I say, now uncomfortable that appa was suggesting she should go somewhere else, that it would be better for her. I've only admitted to out loud once, and it's hard to loo at her know that maybe I'm just being selfish, wanting to keep her here with me. I sheepishly examine the piece of long grass in my hand.

"No," Jisoo says with so much force that I look back up. "Don't you dare even suggest it, Bae Suzy. I was asking you that question, not the other way around. Now answer me, do you want to go to Gangwon University or not?" she asks, and even though there is fire in her voice, there is relief in her eyes.

And I'm relieved that she's relieved. "One hundred million percent," I say, and we smile at each other, the big goofy kind of smile that makes your eyes squint and your chest feel warm. And just like that the whole conversation drops away, like it never happened in the first place.

The screen door on Jinyoung's back porch swings shut. We both turn, watching Jinyoung balance three glasses of iced lemonade and two bags of chips, and make no attempt to help him.

Did appa know? Did he know six months ago that I might not be here to go to Gangwon University the way I'd always planned? Questions explode through my mind-questions about Uncle Jin's murder, about our Strategia relatives, and about his and Eomma's decision to keep me hidden. But then I spot Jisoo's bubbly handwriting on one of the cards tied to the white roses and my body squeezes tightly around my heart. In this moment, there are so many things outside my control, so many things I don't understand. But the one thing I do understand is that I'm hurting my best friend-my best friend, who I'm supposed to drink my first glass of wine with, go on my first trip to America with, the first person I want to tell when I fall in love.

I push my fist into my thigh. I can't do this to Jisoo. I won't. And before I even realize it, I'm slipping into my bedroom and putting on my coat, my heart beating a mile a minute. I know this isn't the smartest thing I've ever done. But I also know that I'll regret it forever if I don't try to see her one last time.

I tiptoe past Sehun, who's sleeping on my couch, and into the bathroom. I close the door slowly and hoist the window up, careful not to let the wood whine. I climb onto the sink counter and then out through the window onto a tree branch.

Every one of my senses is on high alert, looking for movement in the shadows and listening for the sound of snapping twigs. I make my way slowly and methodically out of the tree and then slink from one tree to another until I'm far enough from my house and from the risk of being detected that I'm willing to move faster.

I use backyard and patches of trees to stay out of sight as I zigzag my way through the streets that I know as well as my own room. And in my predictably sleepy town, there are only two properties that still have their lights on.

I pause in Jisoo's backyard and check my surroundings to make sure no on followed me. When I'm satisfied that everything is still, I climb up her porch railing and hoist myself onto her roof. I know she doesn't lock her bedroom window because this definitely isn't the first time I've snuck over here. But I also know that if I make a noise and wake her up unexpectedly, she'll most likely scream.

I take off my gloves and hold them between my teeth, sliding her window up so slowly that I wonder if the draft will wake her up even though I'm being quiet. The moment that the window's high enough for me to fit, I slide in and push it back down, faster than is cautious.

Jisoo stirs in her light blue canopied bed and I take a few fast strides across their floor. She turns over and her eyelids flutter. At a loss for a better option, I press my hand over . Her eyes snap open at my touch and for a moment she appears terrified and disoriented.

"It's me, Chichu," I whisper. "I'm sorry for sneaking up on you like a criminal in the night, but just whatever you do, don't scream."

Recognition appears on her face and her sleepiness instantly melts. I left my hand off . For a second she's perfectly still.

"Soo?" she says, her voice dripping with disbelief, like I might be a hallucination or a dream.

I open my mouth to respond, before I can get a word out she sits up in her plaid pajamas and wraps her arms around my neck so tightly that I can hardly breathe. She immediately starts crying into my hair, her shoulders shaking up and down. Her emotion crashes over me like a wave, pulling me under and tumbling me about, reminding me of everything I've lost and everything I could lose.

A month ago I took Chichu's love for granted, knew that no matter what happened in the world I would always have the safe escape of my best friend. Everything felt solid then. The  simplicity of my life here in Jeongsan was something I could lean on, something that grounded me in the world.

She pulls back and examine me, still holding my shoulders like I might disappear again. "You're here. Soo, you came back," she says.

The hurt on her face threatens to crush me; I don't know how I've ever tell her that I'm not staying. "I'm here, Chichu, and I'm so incredibly sorry. I-"

I don't get my full apology out because she goes from grief to fur in a split second.

"You're sorry? That doesn't even begin to cover it. How dare you? How dare you do that to me, Suzy Rose Bae!" She practically spits the words at me, using my full American name, her voice asking. And she pushes me so hard that I have to stand up to avoid falling on the floor.

She stands, too, and she pushes me again. "I don't accept your apology. Do you hear me? I will never forgive you for leaving me like that. You're my best friend. Best friends don't . . ." Her words gurgle as she fights back tears.

I want to reach out to her, wrap my arms around her, and tell her that it's over. But I just stand there, struggling to speak. "Uncle Jin was killed," I say. Normally I wouldn't drop information like that so suddenly. But knowing Jisoo, she'll attack me again before I have a chance to get it out gently in the midst of an apology.

Her tears stop so suddenly that it's like someone zapped her. She takes a step back, her eyes wide with horror. "What?"

"He was killed and appa took me away," I say, knowing she's never going to accept such a sparse explanation. "He's worried it might have something to do with their old jobs, something -"

"As in their jobs at the NIS?" she says, her eyes round.

"Yeah," I lie, careful not to elaborate too much or she will figure out something is off.

She takes a few pacing steps like she's struggling to absorb my words. And I get it. Nothing bad ever happens in Jeongsan. Even after appa told me we were in danger and shipped me off to the Academy, I didn't really believe it until I was face to face with a dead body.

She turns to look at me, her eyebrows furrowed together. "I don't even know what . . . No . . . that's just . . .Are you in danger now?"

"I'm not sure," I lie again, and follow it up with some truth. "But you know appa. He's smart and overly cautious." I don't need to sell this; she's been at my house multiple times a week for the past twelve years and she's well aware.

She eyes me, not entirely convinced. "Does he know you're here right now, climbing through my window in the middle of the night?"

I take a step toward her, shaking my head. "But I just had to come see you. I had to let you know I was okay. And, well, I needed to tell you that I won't be in touch for a little while." My voice is smaller than it was before and it's hard to look at her. I can only imagine how betrayed she must feel. "But you don't have to worry; I'm okay and appa's okay." As I hear myself speak, I begin to wonder if I made the right choice in coming here and how much of this was actually for me, because I couldn't stand the idea of not seeing her.

She wipes her nose. "And whoever hurt your uncle, you dad thinks they might want to hurt you, too?" she asks.

"He doesn't know," I say. "But he wants to be certain before we return. So, Chichu, you can't say anything about me coming here, not to your parents, not to anyone."

She nods reluctantly, like even though she understands, she doesn't like it one bit.

"I love you, Kim Jisoo," I say, and she lifts her chin. 

"Don't 'I love you' me, Soo. This isn't a goodbye."

I nod, desperately trying to collect myself, because all I can think is: This is a goodbye, the hardest one of my life. I've imagined seeing her so many times over these past few weeks, but in my imaginary scenario filled with hugs and crying, I didn't take into consideration how much it would hurt to walk away from her, this time knowing I might never come back.

There is a light tap on the window and my heart jumps into my throat. I turn around, blinking at the silhouette crouched on the roof.

"Sehun?" I say in a shocked tone as he lifts the window, letting the cold December air.

Jisoo's eyes are so wide that I wonder if they will ever return back to normal. "Who the heck is this?" She points at Sehun but looks at me.

I don't get a chance to respond because Sehun starts talking.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but we have to go," he says, and I don't know if I'm horrified that he followed me without me knowing it or grateful that he showed up and interrupted this conversation before I broke down in front of Jisoo.

"Soo?" she says, her hand on her hip, giving me a questioning stare.

Sehun looks at Jisoo. "I'll keep your friend safe. I give you my word."

"I don't want your word," she says, turning toward him. "I don't want any of this."

"We have to go," Sehun says again, and there's a warning in his tone, a warning not to linger and let someone other than Sehun catch me here.

I approach my best friend, wanting to tell her everything she means to me and that nothing is the same without her, but also not wanting to scare her. So I simply say, "I've missed you, Chichu," and I hug her. "I'll be back before you know it."

She clings to me. "You better be," she says, insistent, and pulls back to look at me once more. "I'll never forgive you if something happens to you, Soo. I will hold a grudge into the afterlife if I have to." She attempts a smile, but her eyes well up.

I smile back, the weight on my chest almost unbearable. We share a look in the moonlight, one that says what I can't bear to voice-that we need each other. Turning away from her is the single hardest thing I've ever had to do. And as I slip back out the window, I leave a piece of heart behind.