𝒻𝒾𝓃𝒶𝓁 𝒸𝒽𝒶𝓅𝑒𝓇

Appa sits on the end of my four-poster bed. The room is decorated in pastel blues, mauves, and whites, with a large fireplace and a chaise lounge. The cheery decor feels out of place with the ominous events that just transpired here, but right now I couldn't be more grateful for it. If this room wer drab and cold I would feel even more disorientated than I already do. Not to mention, now that it's bedtime, I'm fairly convinced someone is going to spring out a secret door and cut me open.

"It's going to take some time to find our rhythm in this new world," appa says, clearly recognizing my hesitancy. "And it's going to be challenging. But I will be here with you every step of the way."

"And you're absolutely positive that Taemin isn't going to come after me with a knife while I'm sleeping?" I say.

Appa smiles. "Taeyeon took him away for a few days. It's going to be a hard adjustment for him-of all of us, really-but one that is worth making."

I laugh. I remember provoking Taemin at the Academy, asking him if the fact that we're cousins meant I'm also a contender for the throne. But when I said those words, I wouldn't have guessed in my wildest dreams that I would have to live with him, much less lead a Family with him. I never wanted to lead a Family in the first place.

"I know your introduction into Strategia hasn't been an easy one, and I know Taemin has made it harder than it needed to be," appa says like he can read my thoughts. "But I assure you, there is a great deal of good here, even if it's not immediately obvious. And given some time and space away from Taecyeon, Taemin will have an opportunity to make choices that are his own. I know too well what it means to be raised by that man."

I frown, frustrated by the possible truth of that answer. "Fine," I say.

"Fine?" appa repeats, and the corners of his mouth turn up ever so slightly.

I fidget with the edge of the white comforter. "As much as I hate to admit it, I saw what Yoo did to good people like Sehun. I can only imagine what it must have been like for Taemin with Taecyeon."

Now appa does smile. "I truly wish your mother was here to see the amazing person you've become." His voice softens.

"Appa . . .," I begin, not sure what I want to say.

He watches me and waits, his expression relaxed and open, inviting my questions.

I sigh, letting my worries go for right now. There's been enough turmoil for one day and I'm utterly exhausted by it. "Tell me about Eomma."

He gets the faraway look he's adopted over the years whenever he talks about her. "What do you want to know?"

"Everything. All of it," I say.

He laughs. "That could take a while. How about I just start at the beginning, and eventually, sometime over the next couple of years, I will finish telling you what a remarkable woman she was."

I smile. "Deal."

He sighs, looking up briefly. "Your eomma was the most brilliant strategiz student at the Academy had ever seen, that I had ever seen. The first time we spoke, we'd only been there a week and she walked right up to me in the dining hall and said 'I don't hate people because of their Family. I certainly have a few members in my own that I would rather not claim. I hate them because of their character. Let's hop yours doesn't .' And as much as I wanted to convince myself that I didn't like her and that her opinion didn't matter to me, it was impossible. Everyone cared what she thought; she was one of the those magnetic people who smiled and turned perfectly composed assassins into babbling mush. So course I tried to impress her." He winks at me.

"Did it work?" I aks, finding myself leaning into his happy memory.

"Not even a little," he says. "Took my two years before I got her to smile at me and another six months before I convinced her to sneak out of her room and spend time with me." He looks at the fireplace, remembering. "People always assumed that we were enemies who eventually fell for each other. But the truth is, I was head over heels from the beginning."

"Appa, why didn't you tell me any of this? Why did you keep it from me?"

Appa nods like he's been waiting for this question. "It was the single hardest thing I've ever done, sending you off to the Academy without telling you about Strategia, without telling you that everything  was going to be okay. But if I had told you then; it would have confused and hurt you, putting you in danger and damaging your ability to complete your mission."

While I'm not sure he's wrong, I still don't like it. "Okay, so maybe telling me right before would have been a mess, but why didn't you tell me before that? You had seventeen years."

He takes a breath. "Telling you was something your mom, Uncle Jin, and I debated many times. We needed to train you, to give you the tools you would eventually need to integrate into Strategia society. But we also recognized that you had a unique opportunity growing up in Jeongsan, one that would make you a better person and more compassionate Strategia. You got to be a kid, without the Tigers and the Eagles and the political discord. You got be best friends with Jisoo, and do countless other things Strategia kids don't get to do because they know too much and because their responsibility is too great. Tell me, would you trade that time if you got to do it all over again?"

I bit my lip, trying to concoct an argument that would have let me have both the truth and my life in Jeongsan. But he's right. I could never have known hand had a normal childhood.

My shoulders drop slightly. "No, I wouldn't have traded it for the world, not even with the pain of giving it up."

Appa looks relieved, like he had assumed so but he's happy to hear me say it.

"When I found out who you guys really were, I thought that you and Eomma and Uncle Jin had been in hiding, that you were completely divorced from Strategia. But that's not true, is it?" I ask, trying to understand some of the missing pieces.

"We never want to leave Strategia. It was just the best choice in a bad situation." He pauses. "You see, when you mom and I were young, we believed we could make Strategia the powerhouse for good that it had the potential to be. But it quickly became apparent that couldn't do that through uniting our Families, that we needed to find another way." He takes a long look at me.

"By becoming the Ferryman?" I say, still a little mystified by the idea.

"That was part of it," he says. "Your mom, Uncle Jin, and I didn't want to stop our work, but we also couldn't do our work under our own names. To tell you the truth, we had no intention of creating that alias; it just happened gradually, and over time we saw how useful it could be."

I'm instantly reminded of Hisakawa's last poisons class, where she said: Capitalize on what is already in your environment. Blend.

"So you were planning this Tiger takeover my whole life?" I say, a little startled.

"Not exactly," he says. "But as Taecyeon aged, he became more vicious, and it became apparent that he couldn't remain in power."

"And Uncle Jin?" I ask.

For a brief moment pain appears in his expression. "There was an opportunity, one we couldn't pass up-"

"To kill the Regent?" I ask.

"Right," appa says, rubbing a callus on his left palm. His expression is heavy and he waits a beat, thinking something over. "Jin called me shortly before he died," he says, and my heart nearly stops. "He said no matter what happens, he didn't regret what he did, that he got the bastard who killed your mom and that was enough."

My eyes widen. So it was the Regent who killed eomma.

"And he told me that if something did happen to him, to tell you he loved you," appa continues, and I study my fingers, suddenly feeling raw. "That he loved you and that in this whole dark world you were his bright star. He said he'd see you on the other side. He'd be the one in the red suit with the fabulous hair." He smiles a sad smile at the memory of my feisty uncle.

And the grief I was suppressing, the grief that was too big to deal with at the Academy, backs up on me. It starts low in my chest, making my throat tighten and the bridge of my nose tingle, and when I look up at appa, I lose control of it. My chin trembles and my eyes water. He reaches out to me and I bury myself into his arms, crying quietly against his shoulder. Tears for Uncle Jin, eomma, and Lisa, for the fear that I would lose him, and for the countless deaths in these last few weeks. All of it pours out of me, hot and messy and unbridled, onto appa's shirt. And he my hair and my back, telling me over and over that it's going to be okay, that he loved him, too, that he's sorry.

We're like that for a long while, me curled against him like I used to when I was a little girl, safe in the confines of his hug. He doesn't try to move away or get me to talk. He just waits. He waits until my breath slows and my chest stops heaving. I wipe at my face, suddenly exhausted, but also with a lightness I haven't felt since before the Academy.

I exhale and sit up. "I want to be on board with this, I really do, especially if it's something that you and Eomma and Uncle Jin fought for. I just . . .  It's going to take me some time," I admit, turning eomma's ring on my finger.

"That's entirely fair," he says, his tone acknowledging the fact that I'm struggling with this. "You have lots of time to choose who you want to be. Even if you decide you never want to lead, that's okay, too. I'm incredibly proud of this girl you're already are."

I soak in his words. Because right now, I can't make sense of a grandiose plan to save Strategia and fix the Tigers. It's enough that we're together again and that he's proud of me.

I smile at him, and it's a real smile.

And he smiles back. "I know we missed December twentieth," he says. "So I'd like to make it up to you. What do you say to you, mee, and a day of winter fun?"

A warmth seeps through my body, one I didn't realize was missing, but one it now feels like I can't live without. "That would be amazing, but" -I pause- "do you think we could bring my friends? After seeing you with them today, I think they need a little dad therapy even more than I do, especially Rosé."

"Sure thing," he says, and it suddenly occurs to me that, for the first time since I was five, when I said friends, I didn't mean Jisoo. 

"And Appa?" I say. "I want to see Jisoo."

For a moment he hesitates, then nods. "We'll figure out a way. I promise."

There is a knock on the door, and from behind the wood Sehun says my name.

"Come in!" I say, and appa gives me a knowing look.

"I'll let you two talk," he says as Sehun enters.

Appa kisses me on the head, like he has before bed for the past seventeen years, and I smile my good-night as he leaves the room.

Sehun sits down next to me on the bed. "Everything's okay?" he asks.

"Yes and no," I say, not sure words can properly express the jumble of emotions I'm experiencing. "My whole life just took a one-eighty. It's going to take me a little while to catch up. But I'm working on it."

He nods, his expression understanding, and suddenly it dawns on me-it's over. The running is over, the hiding is over but also the twenty-four-seven time with Sehun. I look at him, more conflicted then ever-part of me thrilled to be done with that chapter of my life, and other part dreading giving him up.

"Go ahead," Sehun says, reading my face. "Ask."

The words stick in my throat, hard to form. "You're leaving, aren't you-"

"No," he says definitively.

My chest flutters with hope, but I'm scared to get excited before I'm sure. "Not leaving tomorrow or not leaving for a while?"

"I'm not leaving until you kick me out."

"But what about your family?" I start.

"Sejeong will go home and explain it all to them," he says with a satisfied smile.

"Won't they be mad?" I ask.

"I don't know," he says. "Sejeong's pretty persuasive. I think she's going to sell it as a political boon, a way to repair our Family's relationship with the Tigers."

I would say that's smart, but everything Sejeong does is smart. "And the Academy?"

He shakes his head.

I look at Sehun for a long moment. I owe him so much, more than so much. "Thank you for being here, Sehun, thank you for all of it, for . . . I don't know how to tell you what it means to me." I stop, because it's not actually what I want to say.

But before I can continue, Sehun replies, "Thank you for trusting me."

"No. No," I say to stop him so I can come up with the words to express how I feel. The last time we had a conversation like this I got tongue-tied and wound up saying nothing. I can't let that happen again.

Sehun looks amused. "No, you do not accept my thank-you?"

"You're not supposed to be thanking me . . ." I wave my hand at him. "I'm the one doing the thanking."

His amusement reaches his eyes. "No thank-yous. Got it. I'll add it to the list of unkissable offenses."

I give him a look, and he raises his hands in surrender.

I take a breath, trying to keep my flustered feeling from interfering with my honestly. "You told me that you truly cared for me," I say, slowly refocusing. "When most people say that, they're talking about their emotions, about some fluttery feeling. But you showed me, and not just because you took unparalleled risks, but because you kept me grounded and made me laugh in my darkest moments. And what I wanted to tell you is that I truly care for you, too."

"That's a good thing, Suzy, because I'm certain that I'm in love with you," he says. "And it would be awful at this point to find out that you were indifferent."

I laugh, my cheeks getting warm. "I say the most emotional thing I've ever said to a guy and somehow you manage to one-up me," I reply, smiling at him and secretly wishing he'd say it again.

He gives me a mischievous look. "Then I'll strive to one-up you in love for as long as you let me. I can't imagine that anyone will ever love someone more than I love you. So please, give it a try. But be prepared to lose."

I laugh again. "I'll take that challenge."

He leans close, pressing his lips into mine. And in this moment, even though I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, I know that appa is safe and that Sehun loves me, and that everything is going to be okay.

"I love you, Hunnie." I whispers against his lips, and he chuckles against me.

➶ ⱠɆ₮'₴ ⱧɄ₦₮ ⱧɆⱤ ➴

Thank you all for reading! I've been planning to published this story for a few months, but was worried that it was good enough as the first story. My third year of college is finally starting, so I would be able to publish any other stories in the meantime. There is one or two books that are still in draft mode, that's waiting to be edited and revise.

Once again, thank you so much! It was a wonderful journey writing stories on here and AsianFanFics. I really do appreciate everyone's love for my stories. Thank you. ♡