Bold – Myungsoo

Normal - Sungyeol

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It's not love, this isn't love
It's just your obsession

I fought back my frightened tears as I tried my best to ignore you. I still love you, but I don’t think it can last much longer. Because your love for me is turning into an obsession. And if there’s any emotion you’ve made me feel for you, it isn’t love anymore. It’s fear.

Wherever I go, Whatever I do
It's frightening, the you who watches me

A chill ran up my spine as I walked down the empty street, anxious to get home. Dried leaves crunching under my feet, I felt a hot breath trickle down my neck. I nervously stole a glance behind me. There was no one in sight. But I was almost certain that I was being followed. Followed by you.

I let out a breath I hadn’t noticed I’d been holding and continued walking. I heard footsteps behind me and stopped in my tracks, causing the footsteps to stop too. Instead of turning back, I looked up at the roadside mirror, muffling my startled gasp.

You were standing there, your reflection smirking at me from the mirror.

I follow in your shadow, I make a phone call
I become thrilled at the sound of your shaking breath

I walked in your elongated shadow, so close to you that I was literally breathing down your neck. I wasn’t scared of getting caught by you, I just needed to be near you. You turned around and I blended into the shadows of buildings around us. You continued walking after confirming that there wasn’t anyone behind you.

I continued following you, but upon hearing my footsteps, you stopped, so I stopped too. Seeing you look into the roadside mirror with fear evident in your eyes, I knew I had no time to hide, so I just smirked at you through the mirror, earning myself a terrified look from your reflection. Your mouth opened in a silent scream, you quickened your footsteps and eventually broke out into a frantic run towards home. A home I was once able to call mine.

I chuckled as I shoved my hands in my pocket, striding down the street you just took off on. After a while, I spotted you crouched on the floor, panting and trying to catch your breath. Despite your long legs, you had a weak stamina. Of course I knew that. I know everything about you.

Ducking into an alley, I took out my handphone, used my newly bought private number and started dialing the number I had dialed too many times before. Not long later, your phone started to ring. I watched you as you checked the caller ID, only to start shaking in fear. With trembling hands, you answered the call.

“H-hello?” You stuttered, your breathing unsteady, thrilling me, making me grin in satisfaction.

I let there be an eerie silence with only my calm breathing to be heard before continuing.

“I see you…” I drawled huskily.

You screamed, piercing the silence that enveloped the street we were on. I cackled, watching you fearfully end the call.

My heart runs after your increasingly quick steps
I think I'll go crazy, the long night gets darker

You let out another blood curdling shriek as you ran as fast as your long legs could bring you, while I just strolled behind, relaxed.

“You can run, but you can’t hide~” I hollered, teasing you as if you were prey, and I was the predator.

I was greeted with another terrified scream, and I howled with laughter. My Yeollie is so cute. I raised my head and stared at the sky as I walked. The sky was getting darker, if possible, stealing all the stars, hiding the moon.

-Flashback-

“Yeollie Yeollie Yeollie!!!” I squealed, bounding up to you. You smiled warmly and embraced me. I snuggled further into your arms as you pecked me lightly on my cheek. You rested your cheek on my head, burying your beautiful, flawless face in my hair.

“Myungsoo-ah, let’s go”.

I nodded perkily, grabbing your hand, swinging it between us as we began walking down the almost deserted public park. I looked up to the sky, wanting to admire the stars, but frowned when I realized how dark the night was, and that there weren’t any stars, and the moon had been covered by countless dark clouds.

You suddenly stopped, causing me to stop too, puzzled.

“Yeollie, why did you stop?” I asked innocently.

You let out a long, burdened sigh and turned to face me, cupping my cheeks in your hands. You bent down slightly to look into my eyes and firmly placed your lips on mine, capturing me in a heated kiss.

We both pulled away, flushed and blushing. You caressed my face gently before dropping the bomb.

“Myungsoo… I think we should break up.”

I stood there, my face still cupped in your hands, frozen.

Did I just hear correctly?

“W-what?” my lower lip trembled, not wanting to hear the answer.

“I think we should break up, Myungsoo.” You repeated patiently.

I fisted the hem of your shirt, tears welling up in my eyes.

“W-why? What did I do wrong?” My voice wavered.

You sighed again. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Myung.”

“Then why do you want to break up with me?” I bit my lip to prevent myself from breaking down.

You closed your eyes, refusing to open them. “Because… Because I don’t love you anymore.”

My eyes widened. “What?! No… Yeol. This is just a lie. Please. Stop joking around already. Stop lying.” I pleaded.

Your eyes squeezed tighter together. “No, it isn’t! I don’t love you anymore, I’m not joking around.”

I choked loudly on a sob. “No Yeol… No. This is a lie. Please, stop.”

Your eyes snapped open, eyes filled with rage. “I already said, I don’t love you anymore! Who are you to tell me that it’s a lie?!” You snapped.

I jumped a little, not used to seeing you angry. “Then what was just now all about?!” I questioned angrily, tears falling out of my eyes.

“That… that was just a lie.” You stated coldly.

You turned to leave, but I held on to your hand tightly.

“Please, Yeol. Don’t abandon me.” I begged, on my knees, sobbing without a care in the world.

There was a brief moment of silence. “Goodbye, Myungsoo.”

You slowly untangled my hand from yours and left me kneeling there, sobbing my heart out, not even looking back once.

-End of Flashback-

I clenched my fists tighter as I followed your panicked footsteps back to your house.

I will get my love back. Just you wait and see.

Under the dead streetlamp in front of your house
I'm watching you through the crack in your window

I stopped in front of a flickering streetlamp in front of your house, where you had slammed the door, locking it with shaky hands. I stood rooted to the ground, pressing my face up to your tinted windows, watching your every movement intently through a crack in your window.

You were crouching on the ground, grabbing your heart. Muffled sobs escaped from your lips as your shoulders heaved up and down.

“Myung-ah. Why are you torturing me even more? Don’t you know it hurts?” You whispered to no one in particular, not knowing that I was there, watching.

What do you mean? How can this hurt you? You threw me away heartlessly, so don’t tell me you still have a heart to feel hurt.

The streetlamp finally stopped flickering, and stopped shining altogether. I didn’t mind the darkness. Because you were my source of light. As long as I could see you, I would never feel lonely or scared in the dark.

I took out my handphone again and called you. You stared fearfully at your ringing phone, not daring to pick it up. I persevered, letting it incessantly ring, before you finally decided to pick up.

“H-hello?” You sniffled.

“Don’t cry, baby. You have me.” I cooed into the phone.

Your eyes shot even wider open, nervously scanning the room, hiccupping.

“H-how did you know I was-“

“I told you, I’m always here with you.”

Until the night ends
Come on and find me
You keep playing a suffocating game of hide-and-seek with me
You're inseparable from me

Fear clouded your eyes as you quickly hung up. Frowning, I decided to accompany you a little, just so you would feel less lonely.

I treaded towards your bedroom window and opened it, climbing inside swiftly.

I scanned my surroundings. You were still a shivering mess in the living room.

I watched through the door as you sobbed, and finally made your way towards your bedroom, where I was hiding. I quickly ran into the closet, careful to not be caught by you just yet.

You walked in slowly, entering the bathroom, leaving the door wide open as you washed your face and tried to calm yourself down.

An idea struck my head and I took my handphone out once again. Quietly stepping out of the closet, I held my phone towards your direction and snapped a picture. Sending it to you, I snapped my phone shut and waited.

Moments later, your phoned chimed. Not suspecting anything, you immediately opened the messaged, and dropped you phone seconds later. An image of yourself was shown on the screen of your phone, as you gazed at it, terrified.

You slammed the bathroom door close, efficiently locking yourself inside. I dialed your number and listened to it ring. After the fifth ring, you picked up.

“Let’s play a game.” I suggested in a deep and mysterious voice.

“W-what game?”

“Hide-and-seek.”

“P-please, just leave me alone. I- I don’t want to play.”

“Now, now Sungyeol. I don’t think you’d wanna know the consequences of disobeying, would you?” I threatened.

There was a brief moment of silence, followed by a loud sigh, and you agreed reluctantly.

“Come and find me.” I whispered huskily before hanging up.

Immediately after, I picked up a book which I had found lying on the floor and flung it towards the bathroom, slamming the door loudly. I could hear your muffled scream, begging me to let you off, that you didn’t want to play anymore. I got angry and climbed out of the window once again, tiptoeing to reach the toilet window and snapped a picture of you, curled into a ball, a shivering mess.

I sent it to you once again, and I watched as your bloodshot eyes glanced around, panicked, trying to spot me.

But too bad, I won’t make it so easy for you.

I ran back into the house and lay under your bed, waiting for you to emerge from the bathroom.

“M-Myung? Where are you?” You asked shakily.

I didn’t reply and just silently watched your feet walk around the entire room in search of me, noticing the silent tears that fell frequently, staining the rug.

This game isn’t going to end soon. Not until the night ends.

Have you gone crazy?
Why are you like this?

I shivered as I walked cautiously around the house, searching for you.

I don’t want to acknowledge you as Myungsoo, because the Myung I know isn’t anything like the monster torturing me now. The Myung I knew was gentle, sweet, and cared about everyone around him.

So what made you change?

You did, idiot.

I tried my best to ignore the voice whispering in my head, answering the questions I was too afraid to hear the answers to.

I didn’t know doing that could make you turn into this, this completely different person. I understand that you’d been hurt, but I had my fair share of hurt too, but I didn’t act this way, so why must you? Why must you act as if you’ve gone crazy, ignoring the fact that you’re hurting me with all these sick games?

Everything happens for a reason. I hope you remember that, Myung.

Please just leave me alone now
Seeing you is suffocating
Please disappear from my sight

I miss you, of course I do. I’ve been trying to forget you, to erase every trace of your beautiful smile, to erase all the love we shared, but you aren’t making it any easier for me.

Everytime I see you, my breath gets caught in my throat, my chest heaves with difficulty. Is it because of love? Or because of fear? I don’t know anymore.

Why can’t you leave me alone? Do you think that by doing this, you could just change my mind, and make me take back the decision I had been pondering on for so long? This just makes it worse, because I can’t decided whether love you or not anymore.

Maybe, if I didn’t see you, if you didn’t stalk me and play with me like you are now, I would be able to forget. Not completely, but at least the process would be easier.

But there isn’t any point in forgetting.

I ignored the voice again, hating how whatever I feel contradicts so drastically with what I want to feel.

I want to go back to those days, when the two of us were practically joined at the hip, when everything was fine. But those days are now in the past, and there’s no way to return to that anymore. I don’t even need the voice to tell me that.

But nothing lasts forever, and we are no exception. We thought we could pull through forever, but I guess forever just doesn’t exist.

So now, all I can do is dream. Dream of returning back to those days. Dream of perfection, for everything to be alright again. Dream that we’d have a second chance. But I know fate doesn’t do second chances.

The feelings stay buried in my heart, because I can’t bear the pain of having to be reminded each day of how much I love and miss you.

But deep down, the voice is nagging at me, and I know.

I know that even if you went away and left me alone, I can’t forget.

Because I don’t want to.

You can never break away from me
You have no one to love but me

I was once your only one, and I’ll always be your only one. Try and get another boyfriend, and see what I’ll do to him. You could never leave me in the first place.

My breathing was shallow as I followed you stealthily, watching your every move without you noticing. I could never let you out of my sight, even when you’re searching for me.

I knew you could never bear to be away from me, that’s why you’re crying, calling out and begging for me to show myself. I knew you couldn’t stand to be separated from me, even for a second.

Everything I heard that night, the ridiculous askings for a break up, I knew I had heard it wrongly. Because you would never do that to me. You were never a selfish person, you always did things for others, never for yourself, so I know what I heard wasn’t real, because this wasn’t what I wanted. And you knew it.

And even if you really meant to break away from me, you would have no one else to love. You ad distanced yourself from the people you were closest to, just to love me a little more. Leaving only a few friends, you didn’t really have many candidates for love, no matter how perfect you are.

And the last time I checked, you weren’t on good terms with your parents, because they were against us. Because your parents had spoken sarcastically to me during a family dinner. So you moved out, and we lived together.

Try to escape 
Wherever you are
I can see you

No matter where you run to, you can never escape from me.

Remember that.

You were checking in the room we shared before you sent me away, and I seized the opportunity to snap a picture of you, sending it to you immediately.

You received it, and glanced around frantically, like a frightened animal.

You ran into the cellar, our hideout we built to hide from people, to which once it was locked, there would be no other way in and the lock was almost impossible to pick. I chuckled and walked after you, flinching a little as you slammed the door and locked it.

I shook my head and sighed. You should know things like that don’t work. You can never escape from me. Nothing can make you.

But of course, I had my ways. I jumped in quietly and hid behind the grandfather clock.

Once again, I sent you a picture of yourself. But this time, I did something different.

I added, “I can see you. Don’t try to run.”

Your phone chimed and you received it, shrieking.

“Myungsoo, please, come out. Please, I don’t want to play anymore.” You sobbed hysterically.

Get lost
Just back off
I really can't breathe

I really feel so suffocated. I lack freedom. No matter how much I love you, I still hope that you would just back off. Because there’s only so much a normal person can take, lest a weak one like me. I don’t think I can take this much longer. I can feel myself breaking apart by the minute. It’s only a matter of time, so why won’t you just go away and let me have my peace?

My eternal peace…

Just then, my phone rang again.

A hundred times
Tens of thousands of times
I've called you
But why, why is there no answer?
Did you forget?
It's already been a thousand days since we met

I growled as I watched you from afar, curled in a ball, trembling from the incessant ringing of the phone.
“P-please. Stop it Myung. I know you can hear me. S-stop it.” You begged, your eyes desperately trying to find me.I growled and ignored you.

I glanced at the grandfather clock behind you. It was exactly twelve now. Don’t you know the significance of this day?!

I glowered at your still cowering figure.

You’d better not have forgotten.

It’s already been a thousand days since we met. Time flies.

I would never have expected us to turn out like this. But what can I say? You were being selfish. And now, you have to pay.

But of course, I would never hurt you. At least, if my brain manages to bring me back to sanity before it happens.

Because that’s what I am. Insane.

Insane for you.

 

I know my love

Don't call it obsession, you don't know love

Don't say I've gone crazy

You don't know my heart

You can never be separated from me

 

“Stop doing this, Myung. Please. This is turning into an obsession.”

I clenched my fists in anger. Obsession? OBSESSION?! This isn’t a ing obsession. It’s love.

I grabbed the bookcase, shaking it so hard all the books fell out.

“This is not an OBSESSION. It’s love!!” I shrieked.

“No, it’s not. Love isn’t supposed to be suffocating.” You answered calmly.

I growled animalistically.

 

You know you want me too

You know you love me

Don't run away from me

 

“Is this how you thank me? For loving you so much? IS THIS HOW YOU THANK ME?!” I hollered, not bothered to hide any longer.

Tears dripped from your eyes. A bitter smile surfaced on your face.

“I’ve found you. The game is over. Can you leave me alone now?” You asked, with almost a pleading tone in your voice.

“This… you tricked me! This is a foul!” I wailed.

“I didn’t trick you, Myung. You came out on your own accord.”

“NO!!!”

“I left you, Myungsoo. I don’t love you anymore.”

“Lies!!!”

“You’re just in denial.”

“I SAID NO!!!” I hollered.

I saw something like a jolt spread through your body, and you collapsed on the ground, clutching your chest.

 

This ain't right

This isn't love

It's just hurts me, don't be like this

Erase me from your memory

 

“This… you tricked me! This is a foul!” You protested.

“I didn’t trick you, Myung. You came out on your own accord.” I needed you to stop. Stop loving me. I’m sorry, my love.

“NO!!!”

“I left you, Myungsoo. I don’t love you anymore.” I do. So ing much, it hurts.

“Lies!!!”

“You’re just in denial.” No, you know the truth. It’s me who’s in denial.

“I SAID NO!!!” You hollered.

I felt something like an electric spark go off in my chest, setting my heart on fire.

Excruciating pain spread across my chest like wildfire, my legs losing their strength, collapsing as I lay on the ground, clutching my chest in useless attempt to soothe the fires of hell in it, reducing my heart to what felt like ashes.

“Yeollie, this isn’t funny. Stop playing.” You said, but his tone gave away your cool extrerior.

I looked up at you with tear filled eyes, shaking my head.

Worry started to show up on your face.

“Y-yah. Are you alright?”

I shook my head once again. My chest felt like it was being torn apart.

It’s happening.

You dropped to his knees and scampered over to me, taking me into your arms.

“Yeollie, what’s wrong?!”You asked, panicked.

I gasped for breath desperately, not being able to say or do anything other than to claw at my chest in agony.

You held me in his arms, gazing at me with a look filled with immense worry, and intense love.

You still loved me, even though I had hurt you so badly. So much to the point of nearing insanity.

And at that point, I started to regret my decision.

What decision? My decision of breaking up with you.

This goes back a while.

A few months ago, I started having chest pains and short of breathing. I didn’t want you to worry, so I told my best friend Sungjong about it. He was kinda worried, and nagged at me to go see a doctor. Being the stubborn choding I am, I obviously took his warning lightly and was too lazy to visit one. But one day, the pains got more frequent, and worse. I relented and went to consult a doctor. And that’s when the shocking news came.

I have a fatal heart disease.

In fact, I’ve always had it. I just didn’t know, and doctors didn’t suspect anything. But the disease was actually the reason behind my weak stamina. And now, my heart disease is acting up.

Doctor Lee broke the news to me. I didn’t have much longer to live.

According to her, having this disease is just as good as having cancer. It rarely ends well. She tried to be positive, telling me that there were a few people, very few, who had survived this.

And I wanted to believe this. Believe me, I tried.

But as the days went on, I could practically feel it. I could feel something equivalent to that of a black hole, up my life, draining all the energy away from me.

Despite all of that, I still acted like everything was fine in front of you. I didn’t want you to worry, or be sad.

I went for another checkup a few weeks later, and Doctor Lee diagnosed me with about six months left to live. That is, if I live my life without physical or emotional exertion, or excessive stress.

I didn’t want you to stress over me, or tear yourself apart, so I made up my mind.

I broke up with you.

It was for your own good.

I thought, if I let go of you, make you believe that I truly didn’t care or love you anymore, you would get over me, so that the grief you would feel after losing me would lessen. So that you wouldn’t have to see me fade away before your eyes, and hurt you more than you would already be.

It wasn’t easy for me. When you held onto me so tightly, and begged me not to go, it took all of my willpower to not turn around and run into your arms and apologise. And it was even harder to not cry. Spouting those meaningless, cold and harsh words at you was the hardest thing I had ever done in my entire life. Trying to sound so cold and mean to you hurt me more than you could imagine. When you started sobbing like a little kid who’d just lost his parents, my heart shattered. I could feel it breaking, as your hot tears seeped through the thin fabric of my clothes. But there was nothing I could do. All I could do, was to stand there, motionless as I tried to compose myself, trying to etch the feeling of your hand in mine for the last time deep into my mind. As I took a deep breath and unclasped your hands from mine, I felt like I had let go a part of my heart along with it. And when I left you there, in the cold, crying to yourself, I had left my heart along with you that night.

But of course, you didn’t know any of that, and had gone close to insane.

No words can describe how much it hurt, when you had shown up everywhere I go, starting to give me no space, starting to obsess over me.

But I don’t blame you, because I was feeling just as much pain as you.

To let go of the one I love. To know that I can’t live much longer to see him.

To know that I had caused my other half to go insane.

It pained me. So much.

But of course, you wouldn’t know that. Until this is all over, and Sungjong gives you the letter I had instructed him to give you, only when I’m finished. The letter where I explain myself. Where I ask you to be happy without me, and find someone that will treat you better than I have. Where I beg for your forgiveness for hurting you, for not loving you as much as I wanted to, for not spending enough time with you. For not keeping my promise of together forever. For not being able to spend the rest of our lives together, to grow old together.

But now, I regret my decision so much. Why?

The main purpose of my decision was not to let you see me leave, for you to not hurt.

But here you are right now, holding me as my life is slipping gradually from my fingertips, crying and begging me to answer you.

My plan had backfired. And if I hadn’t proceeded with it, I would still have been able to spend more time with you, a longer time with you filling my last days with joy and love to last a lifetime. Memories worth bringing with me to the other side.

Instead of your obsessiveness leaving me with less days than I already had, hurting both of us in the process.

“You were sick this whole time?!” You exclaimed, tears rolling down your cheeks as you realized the situation.

Agonizingly slow, I nodded.

Your sobs got louder.

“Whatever happened to going through tough times together, Yeol?!” You wailed as you buried your head in my chest.

Suddenly, the pain stopped. I felt… numb.

Then, I knew. It was over.

“I… I love you.” I choked out with much difficulty.

You started crying so hard that your whole face was flushed red.

I craned my neck upwards and captured your lips in a sweet kiss, our happy and sad memories together playing continuously in my head, and then I realized something.

This was our last kiss.

And then, it all went dark.

I don't wanna cry no more, more