If Jiaqi hadn’t walk in on them, she thought she’ll never find out that her own bestfriend is with the stone face Ace trainee Yu Yan.

It’s not like she really walked in on them, more like she burst into Yu Yan’s dorm room that night, looking for Dai Meng so she could let out her woes. She was whoah indeed, when she caught two of the toughest people she knew, cuddling.

They were in Yu Yan’s bunk and yes it might be small as , but they don’t need to lay that close to each other.

It’s not like she caught them ing or anything, she could recall Xueer’s traumatized expression as she tells her horror story about walking in on her roommates. But seeing them so soft feels just as awkward. Maybe it would have been better if she walked in on them going at it, at least she could tease Dai Meng and she could finally get one against Yu Yan.

But no, instead she caught them like this, Yu Yan’s head on Dai Meng’s chest, their fingers intertwine, their voices are unusually soft for someone with such booming voice like Yu Yan and Dai Meng.

For once, she doesn’t know what to say, her own thoughts forgotten, so she did what she never thought she would and just walked away.

*****

Sun Rui was the one who brought it up. She pointed out that Dai Meng is getting a little too cozy with Yu Yan, but Jiaqi doesn’t want to believe it and chock it all up to coincidences that they’re in the same team again.

No. she couldn’t believe it.

Yes, Sun Rui might be like a bro to Dai Meng, and as some fans jokingly says, a member of Dai Meng’s boi brigade, but she and Dai Meng are more than that. They’re certain that they were sisters in their past lives. They bonded over faraway dreams that doesn’t seem to be getting close to reality, over embarrassing jokes only the two of them can get, over endless cycles of practices and stages, over “boy” problems and “girl” problems and our company could be such a problems and When will you be married? problems and cat problems,

It was Xu Jiaqi and Dai Meng and the rest, Dai Meng and Xu Jiaqi and the others.

So, she believes that Dai Meng would never keep something like this from her. It hurt her worse than she thought cause she spared nothing from Dai Meng. Her bestfriend could probably write an autobiography of Kiki Xu Jiaqi’s darkest secrets with every secret she spilled.

But here she is, hiding something as dating someone from her.

She would have never guessed that it’s Yu Yan either.

First, Yu Yan is not Dai Meng’s type at all. Dai Meng loves to take care of people and she proves it over and over again. There are caring people and then there’s the way Dai Meng cares. It is like ingrained in her to care and protect. It’s not just asking if you ate or did you sleep well. It’s when she notices that you’re having a ty day and instead of asking if you’re okay, she’ll try to make you laugh. She catches you on days that you think you’re freefalling, she puts you together when you’re shattered into pieces. And just her presence is enough that even in the days you feel you’re dying, could make you feel that everything will turn out fine.

Yu Yan doesn’t seem like she wanted any of that. Or more like Yu Yan look like she knew how to handle herself.

Second, how can they even have the time to date when they could hardly have any time to even blink?

So, to say that she wasn’t hurt about finding out that they’re dating, was an understatement.

Jiaqi assumes it’s just hormones. It’s the stress of trying to get to debut, of endless rehearsals and no sleep and food in their system.

She ignored Dai Meng for almost two days which is probably not even obvious since they hardly see each other. But it must have work because Dai Meng popped into one of her practices one night and asked if they could talk.

They went to the only place away from the cameras, and for once Jiaqi doesn’t want to go out on a barrage. It turns out it wasn’t hormones or tension from stress, but they’re together since flammable and explosive. Dai Meng laughed, and Jiaqi swears she sees a faint blush in there when Dai Meng reveals that they didn’t even say the word “girlfriend” out loud, yet somehow they just both knew that they’re together.

She wanted to ask Dai Meng why, why would she keep something like this from her? But it’s typical Dai Meng when she figured it out before Jiaqi can even ask. Her answer is because she wasn’t sure herself. There’s a special way that Yu Yan makes her feel but it’s like it’s on borrowed time. That’s what they have, a relationship with a huge ticking time bomb, that is either going to explode or get dismantled on the finale.

She remembers Dai Meng looking out as if somewhere out there in the cool Guangzhou air, she could find an answer.

“These are some of the most hellish days of my life. It’s the best too, don’t get me wrong, but that split second moments with her.” There was almost a starry gaze in Dai Meng’s eyes that Jiaqi had never seen before, and Dai Meng doesn’t have to finish what she said,

You know what I mean,” Dai Meng was right when she with a nudge.

She smiles because it’s just one proof of how much Dai Meng knows her. Dai Meng is right, these days feels like being on limbo through the 7 gates of hell. The word “stop” or “sleep” or even “break” is a luxury, even Yu Shuxin’s family can’t afford. But it’s those moments, when the trainer says, “take a break,” when Jiaqi is battered, bruised and aching, just slumps against the walls, closes her eyes, and tries to catch her breath. But that split second standstill is all she needs to think of a certain long legged beauty back in Shanghai and she would find herself smiling again.

She asked her bestfriend what are they planning to do in a couple of months, Dai Meng just shrugs and says they’ll figure it out when they get there. But for now, she’ll enjoy these moments she can steal with Yu Yan.

That was a couple of months ago, and now here they are at the same spot in the balcony. The sounds of laughter and tears echoes in the hallways, everyone bidding their goodbyes and planning for next times and see you later.

And Jiaqi is saying goodbye to the one person she doesn’t know if she could ever survive without. Dai Meng would be her maid of honor, she would be the godparent to her future kids, they would be neighbors and they’ll go visit their homes for weekly dinners.

their faraway futures are already set, but the upcoming two years looks so terrifying.

She remembered how tightly Dai Meng held her in that stage earlier. It was only a whisper but despite of the deafening cheers and cries, Jiaqi heard every word of it.

“I’m not there to take care of you, will you be okay?”

But Jiaqi could tell there was more to it. At this point in their lives, she could read every flicker of emotion that crosses her bestfriend’s face. But the thing with Dai Meng is, it’s never going to be about her.

For once, Jiaqi wished she would just let it out. That it , that’s it’s ing unfair that she couldn’t debut, that for once she could just be selfish and let her take care of her too.

Instead they talk about last minute reminders, make sure you bring this, make sure you bring that, I’ll watch her when I’m in Shanghai and this… Dai Meng’s last reminder.

“I’m going to Yan’s… Yu Yan’s room after this.”

“Oh. One goodbye kiss maybe even more?” Jiaqi jokes hoping to lighten up the situation.

“No, nothing like that,” Dai Meng rolls her eyes playfully. “I didn’t really get a chance to congratulate her, tell her she’s going to be a huge star now, well much bigger than she already is, and then just…” Dai Meng shrugs, biting her lower lip, looking at something in the distance, doing whatever she can not to cry. “Just end it.”

That flicker of expression, the glance, the subtle bite of her lip that was enough for Jiaqi to tell that Dai Meng had fallen harder than she expected. Jiaqi had always been impressed with Dai Meng’s way of breaking up, not that she needs to learn it or anything.

There has always been something so clinical about it, or maybe it’s the law student in her. When Dai Meng realizes that it’s going nowhere, she ends it.

This wasn’t the case for her and Yu Yan.

“End it?”

“Yeah. I mean, there’s no point to it.”

“You can call her and message her, it’s not like were living in ancient times.”

“It’s not just that,” Dai Meng just shrugs in defeat, she forced a smile that looked a little too painful. “It’s one of those, it’s good while it lasted, you know?”

Jiaqi could both understand and not understand at the same time. For her, if someone is worth it, then it’s not only just cherishing the good, it’s about enduring through the worse.

“But- you haven’t even tried,” Jiaqi reasons out, as a fear surge inside her on how closely it mirrored hers “You can call, text, it’s not like Beijing is in another country. You can just-“

But it’s as if Dai Meng sense her apprehensions already, she cups her shoulders and gently squeezes it,

“What I have with Yu Yan is not like what you have. Nothing means more to her than the stage and I have to think about what I need to do after all this too,” Dai Meng continues “This, what we have, it’s going to be a distraction. And she’s young and so beautiful and everyone is going to be after her. You can take her to BEJ theater and introduce her to the Beijing girls there.”

“Hey, those Beijing girls have no match against Dai Meng laoshi,” Jaiqi teases her with a nudge on the shoulder.

“Liar.” Dai Meng rolls her eyes, before they were caught in silence again. “Watch her for me, okay?”

“Make sure no one thirst all over her?” Jiaqi chuckles bitterly.

“No, people can thirst for her all they want. If she’s happy, she could be with whoever she wants.” Dai Meng laughs back but there’s a bitterness to her tone. “She already debut, but she’s going to be hard on herself. So just make sure she eats, that she sleeps, and she doesn’t kill herself in practices.”

“I’ll try. But I doubt she’ll listen, from what I know she only listens to you.”

“She pretends to listen, but she’ll do what she wants to do.”

“Okay.”

Okay.” Dai Meng gives her another kiss on the cheek, before pressing their foreheads together. It’s not goodbye, it’s see you later yet it breaks Jiaqi’s heart just as bad.

“All of them better watch out, cause you’re going to be one heck of a leader.”

“Of course.” Jiaqi flips her hair in the most Kiki Xu way, before flashing her Darlie commercial worthy smile.

And with every ounce of truth and gaining every strength for her voice not to quiver, she says.

“I learned from the best.”

********

Yu Yan kissed Dai Meng like she had never kissed her before.

Their first one felt like a lifetime ago, back when all they wanted to do is to debut. The nerves were palpable, which she hides in her stoic personality, yet Dai Meng seems to delight on chipping down on her walls.

It was just the two of them left while the rest retired for the night. Yu Yan wanted to focus on their performance, but Dai Meng is making this so difficult for her because when Dai Meng talk, all Yu Yan want to do is forget about the world and listen.

She started to talk about how these days are some of the most exhausting in her years of being in idol. She was battered, an emotional wreck, but she’s proud that she’s able to keep up with the younger trainees.

Yu Yan takes in everything that Dai Meng says. She does that a lot with her, remembering her every word like a lyric to a song. She might have earned push ups when she forgot the lines to flammable and explosive but if they ask her what Dai Meng says, she could say it word for word. Yu Yan knew she was in trouble when she realizes that she only does that with Dai Meng.

But then there’s the split second things too, the way she steals a glance over the 7senses leader yet somehow the quick look lingers, how she feels a spark when Dai Meng would accidentally brush against her, yet even if Dai Meng pulls away she still leaves a shiver. And when she catches herself laughing at the things Dai Meng says and does.

“You’re doing it again,” Dai Meng had said after one practice. It was only the two of them left now. The rest of the team have already left.

Before she can ask what Dai Meng is talking about, the SNH48 leader took her clenched fist and slowly uncurl every finger.

“It’s just me, so, you can just relax.”

That is exactly why Yu Yan can’t relax.

“Aiya, you’re balling your fist so hard, see? you got nail marks,” She pointed out while gently patting on her palm. Then Yu Yan doesn’t know what came up to her, but in that split second relapse, she took Dai Meng’s hand. But that didn’t last long when logic gave way to her emotion, but before she could pull away, Dai Meng starts to brush her thumb against her hand.

And with the entire staff gone, the light to their practice room is dimmed and how the other trainees voices were just merely echoes that felt like it belong to a different universe, Yu Yan leans in to kiss her. She remembers how in that split second it reminded her of high school kisses and first loves. There was a nervous excitement to it as their lips touch.

She remembers the shy smile they exchange before their kiss got deeper, how eager they were for much more.

And for once in that whole show, Yu Yan forgot about debuting and all she could think about how there is no place in this world she would rather be.

She guessed that’s why flammable and explosive will always mean so much to her. Not just because it’s the song that put her in everyone’s radar, but it’s what brought her to this amazing, amazing woman.

It was neat and kind of useless for the bosses to provide the top 9 with hotel rooms for their last night, to think they have an early flight to Beijing and would probably get three hours of sleep the most. All she needed to do is transfer 100 kuai to An Qi’s weixin and she had the room all to herself. She just needs to be with Dai Meng tonight that’s all. The rest of her The9 comrades can have her for two years, 24/7, but for tonight, she just wants to be with her.

The moment Dai Meng steps inside the room, she presses her lips against her, not giving Dai Meng any chance to speak. For now all she wants is for Dai Meng to listen or in this case, feel. Yu Yan wonders if she had ever made her feel enough.

All she wanted to do was debut and Dai Meng understands that because she wants it just as bad too. Dai Meng keeps her steady, reminds her that she’s not indestructible. She hated it at first to be reminded of her vulnerability.

They had fight so much and that’s another reason why Dai Meng is special, because she’s one who is not afraid to spar with her. It’s probably the law student in her that made Dai Meng just wants to argue her point.

Dai Meng had understood her better now, but it doesn’t stop her from trying to argue. It took her some time to figure out that it’s not because Dai Meng is just as bullheaded as hers, but maybe because she was worth fighting for.

She is so ing terrible with words, and she wished she has Dai Meng’s wit and charm. It was one of the first things that had drawn Yu Yan to her. Whether she writes or she speaks, Dai Meng could sway people to her side. She could make people laugh, she could make people cry, and above all she can make people fall. When some of the trainees won’t even dare look at her direction, Dai Meng was first to smile and said hello. And maybe that split second moment in the party, somehow they both knew.

Yu Yan had written her a song. Though everyone pretty much guessed who it was for and who it was about, she had never said it to her and she wonders if she ever will. But other than that, words, confessions, Yu Yan doesn’t know if it would ever be enough so she writes her songs and she kisses her instead.

“It’s so good not to climb up in a bed for once,” Dai Meng teases her as they both fell back into the bed, as they drown more in their kisses.

They didn’t sleep at all that night or what was left of it.

It’s not as wild as many people would have assumed. Yes, she finally gets to touch and kiss Dai Meng in places that she thought she could only possible in her dreams, while Dai Meng had brought her back to heavens and Earth with her caress and kisses. And right now, there’s no place she would want to be in than here.

Yu Yan hadn’t slept a wink, yet it felt like all the exhaustion just exploded out of her as they touch each other through the night. And how can she fall asleep, when she could feel Dai Meng’s finger tracing the phoenix on her back?

“If you like I could design you one for your back.”

She chuckles as she felt Dai Meng gently shove her from behind, before slowly wrapping her arm around her waist. She was holding her, but Yu Yan hates how it felt more like a goodbye.

“Maybe after I graduate, I could do that.”

“Okay, you better fly to Beijing.”

“Oh definitely. You’re going to cook for me, right?” Dai Meng teasing her with a nudge.

“Yup. Just tell me what you want and I’ll make it.”

“Surprise me. And I demand a tour of Beijing too.”

“Wow. A dinner and a tour?”

“Yeah full time idol, part time tourist guide. But you got to smile more though.” She pokes her in the cheek.

“I’ll try.”

Yu Yan smiles lazily as she felt Dai Meng’s kiss on her shoulder. They were locked in comfortable silence, both wishing for time to stand still, “I know Jiaqi is older than you, but can you just watch her for me?”

Somehow, Yu Yan understood the request.

In the midst of the congratulations, confetti and the crowd, Yu Yan lost sight of her. But she knew exactly where Dai Meng is going to be, so she spends her time with Chengxuan, with the little sister she had made, she joked around with Zhou Zuo and passed around napkins for all the teary eyed girls in there.

And finally, when she stood at that stage, she felt like she could finally let out a sigh of relief.
She relished the feeling that maybe for now, she finally made it.

But in that room right now, holding the one she loves, she wished she could be selfish and have Dai Meng near while doing what she loves the best.

“I… I will.” She promises.

“She might drive you nuts sometimes, but she’s going to be one of the purest persons you’ll know, cries over the simplest things,” Dai Meng softly smiles before chuckling. “Remember, Yangyuzhou pointing out how Jiaqi has such a villainous faces, but trust me, she’s the least malicious person you’ll ever meet. She loves so easily and she easily gets hurt.”

“I’ll look after her, make sure no tries to hit on her.”

“She’s been handling s all our lives. It’s the people around her that she trusts a little too easily.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll handle those people too.”

“It’s going to feel different,” Yu Yan said, even when she meant to say I’ll miss you.

“It is. But if anyone can get over it, it’s you,” Dai Meng answers back, when she meant I’ll miss you too.

“I don’t want to get over it.”

And Yu Yan meant it, if she had to spend everyday of these two years aching for Dai Meng, then so be it. She would rather live with the pain, than be numb and get over it.

Dai Meng nudges Yu Yan to face her and Yu Yan doesn’t know if she could face her just yet. So, instead she just pulled Dai Meng’s hand in hers, and brush her lips against her fingers.

“Look at me please.”

There was a quake in Dai Meng’s voice that she had never heard before in those past six months. It was enough to rip Yu Yan’s heart out. As agonizing as it was, Yu Yan turns around to face her. The last stars were slowly dwindling away, making way for the sun and never did she ever wish that time stood still until now.

“Congratulations.” Dai Meng says gently, her forehead pressed against Yu Yan’s.

“Thanks.”

“I can’t wait to see you on the stage and I-” Dai Meng pauses before pouting. “You’re doing it again.”

“What?”

Dai Meng chuckles softly, before taking Yu Yan’s balled up fists in hers.

“This.”

“I…ummm… it’s just… that… ummm…” Yu Yan wanted to say that if she doesn’t do that, she’ll end up holding her, and right now, she doesn’t know if she could let her go. But Dai Meng wasn’t having it, instead she took Yu Yan’s hands and slowly wrapped it around her shoulder, before slowly clambering to hover over her.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” Dai Meng coos at her, not needing any words because everything is spoken loud and clear in her brokenhearted gaze. Yu Yan reassures her, with a gentle brush of her cheek, hoping to memorize the feel of her touch before their eyes met, their heartbreak eyes mirroring each other.

But instead of saying endless promises of forever, they pour everything out in their kisses. They touch and they drive each other insane as the world slowly comes to light.

She’s right in her arms, drowning in their kisses but Yu Yan misses her already.

As they melt in this long, goodbye kiss, Yu Yan realized that one night will never be enough, but for now it will do.

**********

“So, this is where you hide out.”

They were only on their first week together, all nine of them, their newfound quirky family, but it felt like the entire show belonged to a different life.

Yu Yan doesn’t carry the commander demeanor anymore. She does talk even goof around in rehearsals and during dinners, but Jiaqi often finds their youngest member spacing out a bit and she doesn’t have to wonder what Yu Yan is thinking of.

For some miraculous reason, they ended their rehearsals early (early meaning close to 3 am) But Jiaqi’s body is still buzzing, from both adrenaline and just still getting used to a brand new home. She was also unfortunately, playing an irritating game of phone tag with her girlfriend.

So, instead Jiaqi goes to the balcony, only to catch their youngest member beat her to that spot.

“Yeah. I just needed to get some fresh air. Well, as fresh as Beijing air can be,” Yu Yan says with a mocking affection for her hometown.

Jiaqi smiles when she sees Yu Yan’s eyes flicker on her phone before resisting the urge to sigh. The short haired Goddess recalled during dinner when her screen light up to reveal Dai Meng’s text, and even if it was quick, Jiaqi saw Yu Yan’s soft pout before catching herself and putting on her nonchalant face.

Dai Meng told her in their first call that she didn’t went through the break up. Jiaqi didn’t ask for an explanation and she saw the sigh of relief in Dai Meng’s face. Jiaqi could understand what Dai Meng meant without her even saying a word. Dai Meng who has always been so nonchalant about love is now taking a gamble, putting her heart out in a line.

“Is it good to be back?”

“Yeah.” Yu Yan answered her, so short and blunt.

She and Yu Yan. They had always been more of friends by association. When they hangout (mealtimes or what not) it’s always in a group, everyone pretty much talks around and with each other. Sun Rui and Keni never run out of things to say, there’s always a story to tell in Guangzhou, hilarious or dramatic they know about it.

Yu Yan would just sit and listen, chewing on her vegetable and Dai Meng occasionally squeezes her thigh and when Yu Yan thinks that no one is looking, would squeeze Dai Meng’s thigh back. But her and Yu Yan? They never really had the chance to have a conversation that doesn’t revolve around practices, and dancing and singing or what hairstyle would work best.

“Do you miss Shanghai?”

Jiaqi pauses thoughtfully, she doesn’t understand why she’s more emotional these days. Maybe it’s her time of the month, maybe she’s still reeling from everything that has happened or maybe she’s so damn exhausted and all her body could do is cry. But whatever the reason is, even just one mention of Shanghai and she’s ready to break down in tears.

“I do but at the same time, I’m really thankful for this chance that I’m-“

“I’m not a reporter, Xu Jiaqi. You can tell me.”

The eldest member winces at how Yu Yan just caught her in her well rehearsed speech. Jiaqi looks at Yu Yan and almost got startled to see such laser focus in her eyes.

“Then, yeah so ing much. Even when I was filming for my dramas, I could just go back home, you know? There would be something waiting for me. Now, it’s just… different. I miss the little things, I miss my girls, I miss my… well, you probably know anyway, I miss my love.”

“Yeah. I kinda figure out you had someone. Xiaotang was very loud in saying how hot she is in that red dress.”

Jiaqi smiles as she remembers showing some of the girls, the SNH48 second group performance. She smiles proudly as Xiaotang wolf whistles as her girlfriend came into the screen in that red dress. Even Yuxin gives a nod of approval. It made her both happy and ache at the same time. She’s proud of her, yet at the same time, she wished she could be there with her.

“She was confident I was going to debut. Before I left, we planned that she’ll fly to Beijing even if it’s just a day to just celebrate. But yeah, she’s in this show now- so, that’s not going to happen anytime soon.”

Her voice must have started cracking because the next thing that Yu Yan said was,

“It’s okay, you know?”

“What?”

“If you cry. I’m not going to tell you to shut up.”

Jiaqi just let out a playful groan, “I think I have cried so much during the entire show and these past few days. I think I’ll take a break tonight.”

“Dai Meng told me to take care of you,” Yu Yan confesses, a cocky playful huff in her tone.

“Funny, Dai Meng said that same thing too, that I take care of you.”

Yu Yan gave her a good stare down, but Jiaqi wasn’t the type to back down, and stares back, before letting out a chuckle, “She’s nuts.”

But there was so much affection in Yu Yan’s usual deadpan tone.

“I’m still getting used to this.” Missing Dai Meng… “but ahhh… I think I’ll get there.”

That was the most that Yu Yan had revealed herself to her and she doesn’t know if Yu Yan realized it too.

“I understand. I’m trying to figure it out as I go.”

“What?”

“How to live without Dai Meng,” Jiaqi forces a smile. “I know she’s just a phonecall or text away but it’s different. I mean I have her for almost eight years.”

“Yeah, I… I would want her for more.” Yu Yan slowly let it slip, not bothering to catch her words as her eyes drifted out to the Beijing night sky again.

“Then, just fight for her.”

Yu Yan turns her head over to her, her gorgeous face frowning in thought as she listens.

“That’s all you need to do. When things get tough, you fight for her and trust me, Dai Meng would love you for it.”

Yu Yan’s eyes widen slightly at the special word before gulping softly, nodding as she takes in Jiaqi’s every word.

“Dai Meng is always taking care of others, I will be so happy to see someone just taking good care of her.”

“I…I will.”

“I know you would,” Jiaqi smiles gently before her phone shook in her lap, startling them. Yu Yan didn’t get a chance to say anything when her phone buzzes too. The eldest member didn’t have to see to know who it was, the evidence is all over Yu Yan’s smile. “I better take this.”

But Yu Yan’s already staring down at her phone, a smile playing on her lips.

“Good night, Yu Yan.”

Yu Yan jumps up in surprise, as if she just realized that Jiaqi is still there. She spun around and said, “Good Night.”

Jiaqi slides the balcony door, her smile grew wider when in that split second moment, she hears Yu Yan in a soft, shy yet still so playful tone saying,

“Hello, Dai Meng laoshi.”