It all started some months ago, Eunbi can’t really remember when

She just knows that Chaeyeon changed

Chaeyeon just started college a year ago while Eunbi worked at a nearby publishing agency and their schedules weren’t as packed as they thought so their usual movie nights and arcade dates were still there. And their lives were practically perfect: they loved each other, they had friends who loved them, Eunbi job was stable enough to pay the bills of the small apartment they shared and Chaeyeon’s parents helped her with tuition and all of her school fees

So Eunbi can’t really tell when it started. She just knows one day, their happiness ended

The older came back home from work one day, it was late at night. Eunbi had to do some overtime when a client ordered an awfully long project and she couldn’t call Chaeyeon to give her a heads up. However, when Eunbi dumped her shoes near the front door letting a long sigh, she found Chaeyeon sleeping on the small coffee table they had at their living, surrounded by books and notes and busy as always. Chaeyeon always pushed herself past her limit just to be the very best, to never let her parents or anyone down…

Eunbi felt her heart shrink in her chest at the sight and she slowly walked towards her, being careful of not waking her up. She softly placed her hand on the younger’s back and moved it up and down in a soothing motion

“Chaeyeon-ah?” She said, voice as soft as her steps. It felt wrong waking her up but she would end up being really sore if she slept like this. Eunbi is just caring for her “You gotta wake up, babe…let’s go to our room”

Chaeyeon groaned and moved her head to the other side. Then, out of the blue, she opened her eyes and jumped on her spot. Her eyes confused as she looked at Eunbi

“Hey” Eunbi greeted, a small smile on her face “You fell asleep on the table. Let’s go to bed so you can properly rest, okay?”

The younger shook her head from side to side and Eunbi felt hurt when she also shook away the hand that was on her back

“I need to finish this essay today…it’s due tomorrow”

Eunbi sat down beside her girlfriend and she finally stopped thinking about the gesture Chaeyeon did earlier.

“Maybe I can help? What is it about?”

Chaeyeon shook her head and gathered the papers, piling them over one of the books. She stood up, grabbing all her things and looking at the confused Eunbi one last time

“I’ll work on my desk. Good night, unnie”

And then, she left. Her bare feet echoing around the apartment

Eunbi felt a pang on her chest, something that hurt as bad as any injury. She took a deep breath, pushing away the tears that threatened to fall down her cheeks. Maybe Chaeyeon was only tired, grumpy about doing such a heavy assignment a day before it was due. Maybe she had a long day just as Eunbi did and maybe she wanted to work alone, in the privacy of the small office they shared located at the very back of the apartment and that someday used to be a laundry room

A voice in the back of Eunbi’s head echoed loudly: What if Chaeyeon was getting tired of her? What if she was angry because she worked all day long? But everything was so sudden, her boss practically called her an hour before her shift ended and Eunbi barely had time to do anything else. So it wasn’t her fault…why was she acting this way?

Rubbing her face with both hands. Eunbi lets her head fall back and she looks at the uninteresting ceiling

She’s doing everything for the sake of both. This job is good enough for them and sometime in the future they can dream about owning their own house, their own offices, their own place where they could be happy

She knows she’s not doing anything bad

Eunbi leaves it at that. It’s just a bad day and nothing else

She takes a shower, changes into a pair of pink pajamas and goes to bed. Her eyes close on their own as her sore muscles relax and give in to the comfort of her sheets and the fatigue in all her limbs.

The clock strikes 3AM. Eunbi is fast asleep

And Chaeyeon never opens the door to their room

Chaeyeon loves her family

Chaeryeong can be a little annoying sometimes. She’s just too…bubbly all the time and the older can barely take it. Her younger sister could care less about high school and it’s a total rebel: always skipping classes, always ending up in detention along her ‘squad’ of misfits and then Chaeyeon has to bail her out because her parents can’t know about this, they won’t ever know about this. Chaeyeon loves her even with all her ups and downs because she’s her sister, because she’s her best friend and they’ve grown together. Always close, sticking to each other like glue. Chaeyeon knows she’s Chaeryeong role model and that’s why she can’t fail her

Her parents are growing old. She never really cared about that until lately when she looks at them being so tired from work. Her mom complains all the time about how her feet and back hurt, how she barely sleeps, how she juggles two jobs at the same time. Her father complains about always feeling tired, about how he’s no longer the big man that was Chaeyeon favorite super hero, how every time he pays a visit to the doctor he gives him a decaying report. Her parents aren’t immortal, one day she would have to face the world without them while she’s protecting Chaeryeong at the same time. They’re not rich so the only heritage they can leave her it’s her college degree and all of the things they taught her

And that’s why she can’t fail them

Chaeyeon is sitting with them at the table one week before that night where she ignored Eunbi. One of her teachers got sick so she skipped her last class and headed straight to her family home, to the place where she grew up and the place she loves so much. The apartment she’s renting along Eunbi is closer to the campus, ten or fifteen minutes away, so Chaeyeon rarely visits her family unless it’s a free day or if she’s on vacation

They just finished eating. Her mom made a delicious gamjatang and both sisters ate so much that now they’re fighting each other on who feels more nauseous. Chaeyeon misses a home-cooked meal. She knows how to cook, of course but there’s a little something behind her mom dishes, maybe it’s the recipe or maybe it’s the love she puts into them but she can’t get enough of her mom’s food.

Chaeryeong slaps her arm, Chaeyeon groans and she’s about to do the same until her father stops her with a firm voice. Their playfulness dies down and the conversation shifts to another topic

“So how’s this girl you’re living with? Eunbi is her name, right?” Her mother says. Chaeyeon smiles wide because the memory of her lovely girlfriend is just that powerful.

“Yup! She’s great by the way…I hope she can come home one day”

“Just bring her any time!” Her father cheerfully says “We owe her a lot since she’s being kind enough to help you with the apartment bills”

“Maybe they’re girlfriends” Chaeryeong playfully says. Chaeyeon snaps her head to look at her sister

“Shut up!” Chaeyeon feels flustered and this time she slaps her sister’s arm without caring about her father’s warning

“What are you saying?” Her mom says. There’s not a smile on her face and Chaeyeon feels her own wither away

“What?” Chaeryeong comes forward, always protecting her sister even when she’s younger. “Come on, mom…there’s nothing wrong if my sis dates another girl”

Everyone goes quiet. Chaeyeon feels a cold sweat running down her back.

She loves her family

But they don’t know about her love for Eunbi

“Well, I want grandchildren so…you know”

Chaeyeon tries really hard to hide the tears welling up in her eyes. She focuses on everything else, bites the tip of her tongue, every thing would be fine except crying. If she cries, she has to give an explanation and there’s no way she comes out to her parents and sister just like this. The conversation on the table shifts again, everyone laughs and Chaeyeon laughs along them to pretend that her heart isn’t breaking

She learns a valuable lesson that day

Maybe she would always live a secret with Eunbi

Her mother words take a toll on the young college student. A heavy one

She can’t focus on anything else. Not her degree. Not her favorite subject. Not even in Eunbi

It’s like life stopped the very moment her mother asked for grandchildren. Chaeyeon knows the traditional family values no longer exist this day, not everyone marries and not everyone has children and they still continue their lives like it’s nothing. They live their happily ever after with their loved ones and look back and never regret a thing they did. Being a housewife or a mother is no longer the pinnacle of happiness for any woman

But that’s not really what bothers her

It’s the fact that her mother is growing old. That her father is getting sick and they dream of grandchildren and maybe they will never have one. Maybe Chaeyeon is already failing them even when she’s studying and giving her best to secure a nice future for her and her sister

Chaeyeon just wants to cry

Winter covers every corner of the city. Streets turning white, sheeted with a nice layer of cotton-like snow. Trees die and decor the parks one by one. Kids build beautiful snowmen and snow angels. The smell of coffee in the air and the way christmas seems just around the corner. Lovers walk hand in hand

Just like Eunbi is walking with her towards the campus

Winter break is coming in a few weeks so these weeks are the most hectic for Chaeyeon. She’s not really worried about her grades since she worked hard all year long and said hard work is being shown every time. The essay she turned in last week was so good that her teacher was proud of her, bragging about it with some of her classmates and making a promise of giving her a hand when the finals come

Eunbi is already on vacation and she’s spending all of her free time with Chaeyeon. As much as she can even when Chaeyeon is always busy

And no matter how much she pushes her girlfriend away, Eunbi keeps coming back

Their hands are laced with each others and it looks completely normal to everyone eyes. Just two friends being friends, right? That’s how things work. After that day at her family house, Chaeyeon is extra careful of being caught with Eunbi in romantic situations. She’s too self-conscious about what people would think of her. If anyone would go to her parents and call her out, exposing her uality like it’s nothing.

Just thinking about it makes her shiver

Eunbi holds her hand tighter

“Are you okay, babe? Are you cold?”

Chaeyeon huffs. Faking annoyance. She wants to push Eunbi away. As far as she can

Because she can’t hurt her

If they can’t have a future together, it’s best to end things. She can’t live her whole life hiding their love in the dark like it’s some kind of awful crime to be ashamed of. If her family can’t know about this then…

“I’m fine, leave me be”

Eunbi nods, softly. The hurt in her eyes is evident and Chaeyeon wants to disappear. This is not the thing she wants for her girlfriend: They been dating for so long now, at least three years. This is not how she wants to end things

They reach the main entrance of the campus and stop there. People walk by them but Chaeyeon doesn’t really care about who sees them being a little too close. College students don’t really care about juicy gossip like the people back at high school and they care even less about who you’re dating. They just mind their business, party and laugh every time they forget to do any assignment

Chaeyeon looks at her girlfriend and her heart beats wildly inside her chest

She looks absolutely beautiful: a blush dust her pale cheeks, her dark hair blows with the wind as she tries to cover herself with a scarf and a thick coat. Her hands are cold by now but Chaeyeon still thinks they’re warm

“Have a nice day, Chaeng. See you”

They always say goodbye with a kiss, just a brief peck on their lips but this time Chaeyeon pulls away before that happens

Eunbi grabs her tight by the wrist and the younger quickly stops

Her girlfriend eyes are watering, turning blurry

“I hope you know you can talk anything with me” Eunbi says. Her voice barely a whisper “The world will never know you like I do”

Those words hit Chaeyeon hard. They take away her mother words with a bang

Eunbi reaches for her again and she slowly wraps her own scarf around Chaeyeon’s neck, making sure it isn’t too tight for her to breathe. The older smiles as she looks at her

“Love ya. Take care”

And this time Chaeyeon realizes she can’t let her go

So, as Eunbi is about to walk away, the college student grabs her by the waist and pulls her in giving her a much needed kiss, deeper than all those little pecks they always do. People still ignore them, they walk by like the scene is common and Eunbi hugs Chaeyeon tight once they break their kiss

“I’ll tell you everything when I’m back at home” Chaeyeon whispers “I promise”

Eunbi nods

“I’ll wait”

The night comes faster than what they expected

Chaeyeon is nervous as she opens the door to the apartment. There's a small box of chocolates in her hands. She knows this is a cheap way of mending her mistakes but it's something. She's been so confused and hurt lately, wandering in a metaphorical dark with no guide at all and this is the best she can do when her mind is still clouded by anxiety and the many questions without an answer

The TV is on, a cheap variety program is playing with the volume at its lowest and the door closing behind Chaeyeon's back makes an obvious bang. Eunbi peeks her head behind the couch and waves her hand side to side

"Hey" Chaeyeon greets awkwardly as she takes her shoes off "What's up?"

"Not much...how was your day?"

“Nothing new, really. I need to study for tomorrow though but…anyways”

Chaeyeon walks closer to her girlfriend, the chocolates till tightly held in her hands and she offers them to Eunbi like it's some kind of offering to a god. The oldest squeals and quickly grabs the box. It's such a small thing to do but it still gets her so excited and Chaeyeon feels all of her frustrations leaving her body

“Thank you, babe. I was actually craving for a kit kat but this would do”

The younger chuckles and sits beside Eunbi who immediately cuddles by her sides and feeds her a small piece of chocolate. They fall into a comfortable silence, laughing at the weird nonsense of the variety program and watching the sun set behind their backs, the house quickly growing dark without any light

Eunbi watches her girlfriend. She's smiling. She's happy

But she can't help but wonder…what's going on with her?

The older leans in and places a small kiss on her girlfriend jawline before wrapping an arm around her waist

“You wanted to talk with me about something”

Chaeyeon takes a deep breath. She kisses the top of Eunbi's head. There's no way she can back up from this

“A week ago, I visited my family…you know, like I always do when I have some time”

Eunbi nods and Chaeyeon continues

“We were fooling around with random questions and Chaeryeong said what if my sis is dating another girl? or something along those lines. What my mom said…really scared me”

Taking a brief pause, Eunbi encourages her girlfriend by kissing her jawline again, hiding her face on the crook of her neck

“What did she said?”

“She said: well, I want grandchildren”

Chaeyeon breath shakes. Her voice loses strength

“I've been thinking about that since that day and it's making me crazy, unnie…what if I can't give my mom what she wants? I don't want to make both of my parents feel ashamed of me and I'm scared of what they could said if I come out to them”

Another silence

“You think they'll hate me? I can let go of my family if that means keeping you but if I lose you and them then…what will I have left?”

Eunbi looks for her girlfriend hand until she finally entwined their fingers together. The only light in the room is the TV so it's hard to see what kind of face is she making or if she's crying. Eunbi relays on her instincts to take care of her lover

“I know it scares you, specially when you love your family so much but…there's many ways in which you can make them happy. I'm sure they're proud of you for what you are, Chaeyeon. Not for what you love. You're definitely the best daughter they could ever have...but don't tell Chaeryeong about that or she might kick me until next Wednesday”

Chaeyeon laughs, her loud cackle it's enough to break the lump in

“I'll be with you when you choose to come out to them” Eunbi lifts her hand to caress Chaeyeon's warm cheek “Even if we're no longer dating, I'll be there for you when you're ready as a friend or anything else you want me to be”

The younger is moved by this

Eunbi was right

She leans in and captures her lips on a kiss. The weight on her shoulders immediately gets lifted and Chaeyeon feels brave enough to talk, to show herself inside out to her family and never look back. She won't live a lie, not anymore

And the whole world, that one that would never know her as much as Eunbi, needs to know how much she loves that woman

Two years later, near her college graduation, Chaeyeon stands up in front of her family's house door. Eunbi is by her side, holding tight to her hand

She's ready

“No matter what happens” Eunbi whispers words of courage “Remember that this too shall pass, okay?”

Chaeyeon nods and opens the door to her house