It always hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone, the more it wants to get away—Henry Rollins

How does one learn to let go, to know that it’s time to raise the white flag and give everything up? How does one learn to accept the pain the came along with it? How does one learn to fully accept the consequences of their actions despite knowing it was the only thing they could do? That was the thing. They couldn’t. Not entirely. They say it is mind that is in full control of everything. Thoughts. Actions. Feelings. Perhaps it was. But it is the whole body that feels the pain, the consequences of the actions the mind has chosen to do. Humans. Ah—humans. They’re all so vulnerable to their emotions, unaware of how to control them or use them to their advantage. Isn’t that why people end up having so many impulses? But sometimes, just sometimes, humans have learned to keep everything to themselves that the have no idea how tiring it can be to feel alone.

December 17th. 23:07. “Hey. I haven’t talked to you in a while”

“Oh hey. I’m sorry. I can’t talk right now. I’m out”

“Yeah? Where are you?”

“Mino dragged me along to this party thing he’s having with the rest of his group and a few other friends so I can’t talk. But if you’re still up later in a couple of hours, maybe we could” Of course. She had time to go out with her friends but not to talk to her girlfriend. It would have been more understandable if she was busy with her schedules since that’s what she has been hearing day in and day out every time she wanted to talk to her. But no. She was “out” with friends. It was getting frustrating for her. She could barely reach Jennie, often end up talking to her voicemail or being shut out in general with no responses. This was how their relationship worked lately. 

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever”

“I know. I’m sorry. It’s just, I’ve been so busy with my solo promotions. I barely have time to just go out and have fun with friends and they thought to just tag me along to relieve my stress. You understand right?” But did she really? It was hard to understand. Every time Jennie was free, she always ended up in the hands of Mino or some other friend she has to hang out. Never once has she received a call from Jennie for an invitation to hang out or see each other because she has some free time on her hands. There was no exception. Zein was just as busy with promotions, just as packed with her schedules as every other idol out there. There wasn’t much difference between them. Heck, Zein’s schedule was probably more packed than Jennie’s considering how she could as easily go out almost every night or weekends to hang out with friends.

Zein hated complaining. In fact, she loved the short and secret phone calls she had with her. Be it sneaking her way out of the dance studio in the middle of practice and making her way to the fire exit or the building’s rooftop where no one was around or sacrificing her well-needed sleep to head to the balcony or the living to spend a few minutes to an hour to talk to her. Every bit of it. She loved it. As long as she could hear her girlfriend on the other side of the phone. And right now, she was in the middle of dance practice. Fortunately, her members tend to either focus too much on practice that they don’t keep track of time or be too busy taking quick naps in between practices to notice her absence. Either way, she had no trouble sneaking around or fearing that she might get caught because they’re too busy being in their own world to notice anything outside their own bubble and that includes the absence of anyone around them. But she had been caught on the phone by other people every now and then but no one usually suspects a thing. They always figured when someone was on the phone, they were usually talking to their family member since almost everyone, trainee or idol alike, were separated from their family. But sometimes, she couldn’t help but feel like her sneaking around was useless. Especially since her girlfriend never has any time to talk to her anymore.But was she really that busy? Really? She didn’t like to question her girlfriend but any normal person would if they had heard that she was seen out and about with her group members or friends every now and then. She knew she wasn’t as busy as she made herself sound to be. Zein knew she wasn’t. They often send each other a copy of each other’s schedule for the week to check when was the best time to call each other or meet. At least, they used to meet. And I know what you’re thinking. No, she wasn’t being selfish, really. They were dating. It was only normal for her to want to see her girlfriend even for a little while. Even if it meant sacrificing her well-needed sleep. Texting and calling each other in late hours could only get you so far, considering how Jennie barely even answers her texts and calls. Even though she was well aware she was still awake during those times. She knew the right people to ask about it without raising suspicions. And it was getting frustrating. But she has chosen to keep quiet. It was usually late. They barely got time to talk and she didn’t want to spend it on arguing with her. Besides, even if she did spend it arguing, her girlfriend would end up dismissing it so casually that she wouldn’t have a choice than to do so as well.

She wanted to trust her. She really did. They’ve been dating for so long and Jennie had done nothing so far to break that trust but it was hard for her to trust Jennie lately considering how she had been acting recently. The more they were apart, the more things she felt like Jennie was slipping away. It was like the more Zein tried to keep their relationship, the more she started to lose it. She didn’t realize that the more she wants to keep holding on, the more it wanted to slip away. And it wasn’t helpful for her condition either.

She was so lost in her own thoughts that she hadn’t noticed that she had just been hung up on for the nth time. Jennie was doing this more frequently, answering her girlfriend’s call to say what she had to say, whatever kind of excuse or reason it was and hung up without even waiting for a response. And it would take Zein days to be able to reach her again. It was becoming a thing for Jennie to do. It was exhausting. It was getting tiring to withstand.

She had made her way back to the practice room, tossing her phone on the couch beside her bag as they continued their practice. Practice went by pretty quickly and smoothly. There wasn’t much that happened. As soon as practice ended, they all gathered their things and made their way out. Well, except Zein who suddenly received an unexpected message from her girlfriend’s groupmate. 

‘You got a minute?’ It was Rose. She found it odd. They have never talked before and there she was, sending her a message in the middle of the night. What could she possibly want? Could it be—? She thought. Could Rose have found out? No, that was impossible. They were careful. Discreet. Well, she was anyway. 

They hid their relationship from everyone around them. Even their own group members. They didn’t want anyone to know. And for a lot of reasons. Anything outside straight relationships was often shunned in Korea, no matter who you are, how old you are, what socio-economic status you have. Supporting anything outside such matter would place you in the headlines in South Korea for not complying to the social norms and they didn’t want to risk either of their careers. Especially since they have heard a whole lot of non-straight underground celebrities who were outcasted after coming out of the closet. 

‘Yeah, what’s up?’

‘Not much. Saw the active status beside your name and decided to hit you up. Practice done?’

‘Just about’

‘Cool. Let’s meet up at the café outside YG’ What was going on? What did she want? A whole lot of different questions and thoughts ran through her mind as they made their way out the building, the rest of them heading straight for the van except her. Should she go meet her? It would be rude if she didn’t right? That’s what she thought anyway.

“Zein”

“Yeah uh. You guys go ahead. I have to meet someone at the café”

“It’s late. Who is it?”

“Rose” They didn’t ask. They didn’t second question it. They simply nodded, bid her farewell and to take care as they made their way to the van while she made her way across the street. It wasn’t odd for them to hear Rose still out and about at this time of night. They often heard that Rose likes walking around ‘til late at night especially when she had trouble sleeping or when she was on a break from promotions. She didn’t have much friends, only ones she met in the industry and most of them were only available late at night so a lot of people see her wandering around a lot. They didn’t question it. 

Zein made her way inside the café, her grip on the strap of her duffel bag tightening as she scanned the whole area for a familiar face. It was late at night so there weren’t much people there. Just a couple of YG trainees and staff members who were on a break so no one really paid much attention to her presence as she entered the café. She did approach a few of them to ask if they have seen Rose since she couldn’t see her anyway. Thankfully, one of them saw her make her way to the far end corner of the café, thanking the staff as she made her way to where the Blackpink member was seated, bowing and mumbling a low greeting before taking a seat across from her.

“I’m sorry. You’re probably wondering why I called you out. I just felt a bit suffocated at home and my friends are all busy. I saw you online and I heard your English was very good so—” To say that Zein was relieved was an understatement. She thought she had been caught red-handed but thankfully, her senior just wanted to make a new friend. Why not? She thought. It wasn’t like her girlfriend was planning on spending time with her any time soon.

“No no. It’s alright. Although it did surprise me a bit”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. Let me buy you coffee. My treat”

“Sure” Throughout the night, they spent a whole lot of time getting to know each other, talking about their interests and what they love talking about or doing. Surprisingly, they had a lot in common. It was a start of a very good friendship and they both knew that. As the night grew darker, they found themselves talking about deeper topics, stress of the job and how it has taken its toll on them mentally, talking about thoughts of giving up or what they would be doing if they weren’t in the entertainment industry or basically anything random. It felt natural. Like they have known each other their whole lives.

“Are you kidding? I love that too! Friends is so iconic and so is Criminal Minds. Like the fact that two of Joey’s exes ended up being profilers. Wow blew my mind, not gonna lie” 

“Right—? Oh shoot. It’s getting really late. I have a schedule tomorrow morning?”

“Oh my god you’re right. I am so sorry”

“It’s not a problem. I had fun” They got up from their seats, grabbing their things. They have spent so much time talking about their lives and their selves that they have completely lost track of the time. They haven’t done that in a long time. Especially Zein. It’s been quite a long time since she last spent time with her girlfriend so it has been some time since she has felt that way, talking with someone and not realizing how much time has flown by. It felt amazing. Being able to talk to someone she had just met so casually. 

“We should continue next time. Let me know when you’re free”

“Definitely”

December 27th. 21:56. “Babe? You still there?” Should she respond? She didn’t have much energy to do so. Or should she keep silent until she slips out a mistake? That thought has ran through her mind once too many times. And sometimes, just sometimes, it works. It wasn’t because Jennie was hiding something. She just had a habit of not telling Zein the entire thing, always leaving out a bunch of major details. It was a thing Jennie did a lot. But Zein always tried to understand.

“I’m here” But it was late. She was tired from practice. And this was the first time she heard her voice again after not being able to contact her for over a week. She could feel the tip of her fingers brushing against the cold metallic railings separating her and death, pacing back and forth the edge of the rooftop. It was how she kept herself busy. It was how she kept herself calm and sane, running her hands along the railings as she enjoyed the night breeze brushing against her face. It was getting really dark as she looked up the skies. There were barely any stars. It was getting late and they had just finished with their practice for the day. You’d think it was crazy to be practicing this late but they had just debuted a little over a month ago. They simply couldn’t afford messing up so sacrificing their much needed sleep didn’t matter that much to them.

They weren’t always like this. There were times where things were a lot happier, no problems. Things were a whole lot simpler back when she was still a trainee. They always had time for each other. Jennie always made sure to stop by in between practices to spend even just a bit of time with her. They would spend all night talking to each other over the phone It was how they spent their days. Of course, that was then.

“Are you mad?”

“I’m not mad” Zein sighed for the nth time that day. Was she mad? She didn’t know yet. She didn’t know what to feel during that moment. She knew what she signed up for, dating Jennie. But it’s been nearly a month since she last saw her—and by that I mean since she last spent time with her as a couple. Ever since she debuted with the girls, things weren’t all good. They’ve been busy, bouncing from one schedule to another. From the tiptoeing and keeping it a secret to finding the time to be together. She had always told herself that it was fine. Even though she knew it wasn’t.

“Are you sure?”

"Yes"

“Well, okay. I have to go now. I—”

“You’re with Mino and the others. I know. Bye” She sighed once more, hearing her girlfriend hang up on her once more, heading back to her friends. It seemed like whenever she called, Jennie was always out with some friends. It was frustrating to say the least. Jennie never made time for them like that and there she was, out and having fun with other people nearly every week, shutting her out and declining her invitations to see each other. As usual. She couldn’t take it. At this point, she couldn’t sleep and it was still a bit early. They had no schedules over the weekends so she had some free time to go drinking or something. So she picked up her phone.

“Hey Rose. You free?” Ever since Jennie had gotten too busy to spend some time with her she had more free time on her hand and for some odd reason, she found herself seeking the comfort, companionship and the friendship Rose had given her. Which was good for Zein because other than Jennie and her groupmates, she didn’t have much friends to hang out with. Since she always prioritized her relationship with Jennie, spending all her free time on Jennie, calling her, sending her messages, talking to her, waiting for her to respond or hang out with her. Even though Jennie didn’t do the same. She wasn’t exactly cheating on her since what she had was more platonic. It was deep but it was platonic. Her girlfriend was too busy hanging out with her own friends so she figured why not hang out with her friend too.

“Boyfriend stood you up again for his friends again?”

“More or less”

“That’s gotta be hard” This has been an occasional thing for them both. Every time one of them got bored, they would always contact the other and fortunately, they were usually free or had some time on their hands to hang out and see each other. And every time they did, they almost always ended up spending the whole afternoon or evening together. And it was a whole lot. Usually during the times when Jennie decided it was more fun to spend time with her friends than her girlfriend. They got close pretty quickly so they always enjoyed each other’s company, indulging into common interests. From grabbing coffee and watching movies, they did a whole lot of stuff together especially since Rose was free most times because they didn’t have any promotions and unlike her groupmates who preferred to stay indoors and spend their free days sleeping in, Zein was always down to head out the apartment to do just about anything. She hated being stuck in the apartment. It was suffocating for her. It was too silent.

“Yeah well, you know”

“Well, I’m here now”

December 31st. 13:19. “Babe, I can explain”

“Don’t bother” It was New Year’s Eve. YG was supposed to have their annual New Year’s Eve party that night and she was honestly excited. For the first time after who knows how long, she finally get to see her girlfriend again but instead, what greeted her was her groupmates gathering around one of their phones, reading the latest and biggest year-end news that will probably be the talk of the party later tonight. So there they were, at the rooftop of their apartment building, Zein was up on the railings, back facing her girlfriend’s as she kept her eyes glued to the skies, her eyes closed and swollen. She had been crying. She was tired and exhausted from all this. She never wanted any of this. None of this was ever her choice.

“Babe—”

“Was that where you’ve been running off to? To Kai? With Mino’s help?” She was surprisingly calm. But at this point, she’s had enough of all this coming from her girlfriend. She was getting really tired of fighting for their relationship when it seems like Jennie wasn’t doing much fighting. She was fed up with having to understand her actions, having to understand being stood up or shut out, rejected just so she could go hang out with other people. She was sick of being blown off just because she was “dragged” by some friend of hers to go out with them. She was tired of holding on. Tired of lying to herself, telling herself to give it more time and everything will go back to normal. She knew it never would. None of this was ever normal. She knew that.

At this point, Zein was cold. Distant. The last thing she wanted was to stay in the same place as Jennie. She has made her decision. Despite having to hide their relationship for over a year, she had no regrets. She loved being with her. Every moment, though short and though hidden. She always that it was more romantic that way. Hiding their relationship and sneaking around just to see each other after a long day at work. She enjoyed it. Jennie was her safe haven, a place where she knew would be there to go to whenever things got rough. Besides, because of their sneaking around, they spent more time together in private than be disturbed in public. She couldn’t forgive Jennie for lying to her. She was tired of having a relationship with Jennie’s answering machine or simply to hear her say she was out with friends so she couldn’t see her and get hung up on shortly after. It was never a good feeling and she certainly wasn’t going to take it from her girlfriend. Now she knew why. Why Jennie was constantly blowing her off. She was seeing someone else. And at this point, it didn’t matter if all of it was true or not. She knew Jennie had to go along with it anyway. 

“No—”

“We should just break up” She couldn’t believe what she was hearing from her. Jennie looked at her, looked for signs that said that she was just joking or messing with her, waiting for her girlfriend to tell her that she was joking and that she has forgiven her for what she has done or that they will get through this if it weren’t true but no. Zein was dead serious. She couldn’t take it anymore. The lies. There were photos and she knew it was Jennie. She didn’t know who the guy was from the photo but bottom line is there was some other guy. Some other person who she was caught on a date with alone, during one of the nights where she was supposedly out with friends.

“Is this also about Rose?”

"What?"

"I heard you spend a whole lot of time with her"

"Don't pin this on me"

"But I'm right, aren't I?"

“Maybe you are. Guess what Jennie? You were blowing me off, day in and day out so yes maybe I went to make a friend and maybe that friend I made happened to be your group member. So what? I’m not the one who cheated. I’m not the one lying to my girlfriend about where I was to spend time with some guy and getting caught in the process. Don’t try to pin this on me. I’m not the one cheating. You are. Where were you when I was surrounded by darkness? When I found myself wanting to crawl up in bed and give everything up? You weren’t there. You were never there. Not anymore. It was Rose who was there because you were out busy being with someone else. So you don’t get to blame me for putting a stop to this Jennie. You’re not the same person I once fell in love with” Zein hasn’t been able to look at Jennie the whole time. She didn’t want Jennie to see how much pain she was in but the moment she heard those words come out of Jennie’s mouth, she couldn’t take it. She wasn’t going to let her turn this to her favor. No way. She couldn’t believe what her girlfriend was implying. All this time she had a feeling that Jennie had been hiding something but she didn’t know she was hiding something this big. And to think she was going to turn it around and pin it on her. She wasn’t having any of it.

Was she mad? Perhaps. Was she sad? Maybe. Did she feel betrayed? Possibly. There were mix of emotions, thoughts running through her mind and she didn’t know which emotion or thought to process first. She didn’t know which reaction to process first. There were far too many emotions. It was hard to focus on just one. Especially when it feels like it’s all coming at her at the same time. She didn’t know what to do. Heck, there wasn’t much she could do now. It was as if her whole life had crumbled down before her and Jennie was that glue that kept it all together. But that was gone now.

She has given it some thought. She thought about this long and hard, actually and this was the one thing that came into her mind. She knew she couldn’t take it anymore. She loves Jennie but to see her slowly drift away and give her attention to some other person other than herself, seeing her lie to her to be with someone else. It’s hurting her. Broke her. She couldn’t believe it was happening. She thought she could just turn a blind eye and act like nothing was wrong but she couldn’t. Not forever. She never thought it would ever happen to her.

“Babe please—”

“I can’t do this anymore. All this lying. Having to understand you blowing me off or hanging up on me. Maybe Rose was right. Maybe I’m not cut out to date someone in this industry”

“Zein—” Jennie watched her smile one last time, tears were falling down her face. Zein never wanted any of this. This idol life. It was forced upon her to earn a huge sum of money. It was basically just like selling herself except it came with fame and recognition and the more known she was, the more money she got. It was exactly like that for the people who raised her. If it weren’t for Jennie, she would have broken a long time ago and to see Jennie slowly drift away. Well, needless to say, she couldn’t bear such sight. Jennie was the only thing that came out of it, the only reason why she told herself that maybe there is a silver lining to all this but no, she lost that too. She didn’t have anything left. She didn’t have any reason to stay. Besides, the longer she stayed alive and promoting on TV, the more she was about to be exploited by the people who raised her.

She wasn’t enjoying this. Jennie was regretting the decisions she made. That included ever seeking companion, comfort and validation from anyone aside from her girlfriend. Zein meant everything to her. She has lost count of how many times she had tired to knock some sense into her, stopping her from taking one step away from the building and falling to her death. But it seemed like all that would go in vain because she couldn’t even stay loyal. It was her fault, no denying it but she wished she didn’t have to watch this part, a sad smile on Zein’s face as she closed her eyes for the last time, taking her last step away from the building and heading to a place where there were no more pain for her, a place where she could finally rest.

“Goodbye, Jenny. I wish you and Kai the best of luck”

How does one express overwhelming emotions into words? Anger? Exhaustion? Sadness? Regret? Betrayal? How does one express themselves without unconsciously hurting people with their words? How does one measure loyalty? Infidelity? Faithfulness? How does one truly know when it is time to raise the white flag and accept that it’s time to take a step back from what once was the only source of their happiness?

Human emotions are the most complicated one of all. You feel them slowly take over your mind and body but you cannot stop them. You cannot control them. Because it is the mind that calls the shots and never you—Anonymous