There is a crashing tumble of sharp feelings today.

Bae Joohyun stands still, an unmoving rock amidst the raging sea of people.  She closes her eyes and holds her breath, desperately pounding on the pause button of life, to calm the storm brewing inside, to silence the voices in her head that belongs to no one.

(But she has an uncanny feeling it’s one of her own, strange but familiar, just like the mask on her face)

A body bumps into hers and she staggers, trance shattering into the reality of a bustling train station. She mumbles her apology to the stranger who’s already gone and straightens up. Grabbing her luggage, she sighed and walks to the exit. Indeed, we are trapped in a world stuck on play.

Ulsan. It’s been a while.

The cityscape of Ulsan is glum and dark, the groggy ground blending into the grey, clouded sky. Raindrops pitter-patters on the concrete awning overhead. People in raincoats, huddled under umbrellas, rushes about with a sense of purpose and Joohyun feels an envious ache. Their faces are stony and unchanging, but they move with surety, an actual decision to brave the beating rain.

On the other hand, she stands under the edge of the awning, teetering between the safety of the shelter and the rain splattering on her shoes, gazing at the city that holds too much memories, hesitating—to go back to the chapters of the past that she had initially skimmed through in order to find answers as to why the plot of her life doesn’t make sense to her anymore or to go back and pretend that everything is fine.

Screech!

A car skids to a stop right in front of her and she jumps back both in surprise and in attempts to avoid being drenched by splashing rainwater.

The passenger’s side window slides down to reveal a grinning young woman. “Yo, unnie! Hop in!”

Joohyun stares at the girl in stunned outrage. “Park Sooyoung! You—!”

“Oh, please. I know you miss me. Now, stuff that monstrosity in the backseat and get your in here!”

She makes a mental note to chastise her cousin for her poor selection of words later and decides to relent for now. Rolling her eyes, she put her belongings in the back and settled in the passenger’s seat.

The radio is blasting a song. “I hope you’re ready for a fast ride, ‘cause that’s what we’re going for tonight.” Sooyoung sang along, revving the engine and giving her a devious sideway grin. “So sit back and buckle up, ‘cause you’ll be racing with the stars tonight. Listen!” she let out a high-pitched whoop and they shot forward in speeds that would’ve given their grandmother a heart attack.

Joohyun clings to the grab handle, “Sooyoung, slow down!”

“Sheesh. How uptight.” the girl grumbles but obeys anyway. “So what’s up, unnie? Why’re you back? You never told me the reason. How long are you going to stay?”

“As long as you plan to bum around instead of getting a job.”

Sooyoung gasps, “So you plan to stay here forever?”

Joohyun slaps her arm lightly. “You can’t stay jobless forever. You just graduated. You should be hunting for jobs while it’s still early. There’re new graduates every year and every year your chances will become slimmer and slimmer. You’re not going to be young forever, Sooyoung.”

Sooyoung rubs her ears, annoyed. “Ugh, it’s not even ten minutes yet but you’re already nagging. I can’t wait for you to go back to Seoul already. I don’t know when that is but I’m already excited.”

“I’m serious.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m just going to rest for a while.” Sooyoung says. “I need time to take a breather then I’d go and take that typical office job.”

“Office job?”

“Yeah. Boring but stable. Why not?”

Joohyun gives her a look of admiration for being able to come up with this decision on her own. Sooyoung mistook it as a judgmental stare. 

“What? It’s not bad. Maybe I can seduce my boss or something.” Sooyoung wriggles her brows and bares her teeth in a predatorial grin. “I’m not like you, golden child. You’ve always got everything figured out already. You probably got your entire life planned out until you turn 70. Hell, you might even have a daily agenda for your stay in the retirement home by now.”

“I even have a schedule on when I plan to die.” she jokes.

Sooyoung snorts. “I’m not even surprised.”

Joohyun chuckles, turning to the window. She catches her reflection and sees someone she doesn’t recognize.  

She’s an unmoving rock amidst the raging sea, sticking out like a sore thumb without purpose, not knowing if she should ride the waves or retreat to the shore and instead she finds herself sinking, aimlessly drowning in this world that never stops for someone to pick themselves up. She’s there, standing on the ambiguous line between light and dark where dull grey lies, neutral and colorless, neither bright nor dim. Hesitating to move forward, uncertain to step back. Filled with anxiety for the future, for her place in this world, for everything including her very existence.

She always got everything figured out already, huh?

“Unnie?” Sooyoung shoots her a worried glance, “Hey, you’re scaring me. Why are you suddenly laughing? Did you hit your head somewhere?”

Her laughter slowly simmers down and she hopes Sooyoung won’t be able to catch its sharp and bitter edges. She doesn’t look the girl, worried that she might notice the absence of humor in her eyes. “It’s nothing. I just thought of something funny.”

“What’s the joke?”

“Shut up and drive.”

Sooyoung scoffs, grumbling under her breath about women in their 30s and their terrible mood swings. Joohyun returns to gazing out of the window, watching the rain sweep across the desolate landscape and notes the struggle between love and pain.

She leans against the glass and closes her eyes, hoping that she’d find her answers here.

Bae Joohyun…who are you?

***

“Hyun!”

Joohyun smiles at the elderly woman greeting them as soon as they entered the house and automatically slips into the open arms, sinking in the soft warmth and inhaling the familiar scent of the woman’s signature apple pies that had somehow etched itself in the folds of her skin.

“Yeah. Get your mushy reunion and leave me to die with the bags. Y’all are like that.” Sooyoung grumbles, struggling to carry Joohyun’s suitcase up the stairs.

They ignore her.

Her grandmother fusses over her. “Oh, look at you! You’ve become so thin and pale! Were you even eating properly in Seoul? This won’t do. I’m going to fatten you up during your stay here.” she starts dragging her to the dining, “Come! I cooked your favorite: braised short ribs. Sooyoung! Hurry up and get your down here! We’re having dinner!”

Somewhere upstairs, Sooyoung replied with a muffled groan.

Joohyun laughs, sitting in her usual seat. The house is still as she remembers it to be 13 years ago, except for some new decorations and subtle rearrangements here and there.  “I hope she’s not giving you a hard time, Gran.”

“Oh, she’s been nothing but a headache.” Grandma’s expression softens. “But I do admit her noise does make this place a little less lonely. It got a lot quieter when you and your parents moved out.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t been able to visit more.”

“It’s alright. I understand you’ve been busy. At least you’re here now. How’s Seoul? I heard you’re an actress of some sort now. Theatre, was it?”

Joohyun bit her lower lip. “Ah, yes…well…about that—”

“I’m going to go home drunk one of these days and I’m going to make you drag my wasted up that demented stairs so you can feel my pain.” Sooyoung enters the dining looking like she just lost a wrestling match against Goliath.

Joohyun pulls out her prettiest smile. “You worked hard.”

“That doesn’t work on me.” Sooyoung deadpans.

They start eating and Joohyun finds herself not digging in as much as she would normally have. Grandma’s cooking is amazing, as usual, but the taste makes her feel nostalgic. Sitting in the dining table with her grandmother more fragile and hunched than she remembered and her baby cousin all grown up makes a bittersweet feeling germinate in her heart, a realization that so much time had passed and while everything seems the same, it’s not.

Grandma notices. “Hyun, you’re not eating well. Is everything alright?”

Joohyun puts on a smile. “Yeah. Just a bit tired.”

The woman puts more food on her dish. “When are you going back to Seoul?”

Joohyun nibbles on her chopsticks. “I’m not.”

“Sorry?”

“I’m not going back to Seoul.” Joohyun says, firmer than she actually feels. Anxiety makes her stomach turn and she puts down her chopsticks. “I’m quitting my job.” she revealed, carefully watching their expressions.

Sooyoung choked and started coughing violently. “You did what?” she exclaimed. “You quit? You? Miss You-Can’t-Stay-Jobless-Forever-Nagger, quitting?” she stares at her with jaw agape. “Wow. Sen-sa-tional.”

Grandma just regards her with a stern look that says, explain yourself.

Joohyun feels bile making its way up . She hides her trembling hands under the table, wringing them together restlessly. What is she supposed to say? ‘I’m quitting my stable job that I worked my off for in the last 7 years because I feel discontented, empty, lost, and confused!’?

No. She can’t say that. That’s not the Joohyun they know. The Joohyun they know is calm and collected, put together and sure. Not the broken mess that she actually is.

She feigns a careless shrug. “I got a job offer here in Ulsan so I thought I should move here with you.” she said, the half-baked truth easily rolling through a skilled tongue. She stretches her lips to a smile, brandishing white teeth meant to dazzle. “I’ve been apart from you for too long, Gran. I just want to spend more time with my beloved grandmother and favorite cousin. Is that too bad?”

“I see.” her grandmother nodded, “That’s great then.”

At the same time, Sooyoung whines in protest. “What? You’re staying here? I’m not going to be rid of you soon?”

“You look positively forlorn.” Joohyun bumps her shoulder to hers. “We’re going to have so much fun!”

Sooyoung groans. “You’re going to have so much fun nagging the earwax out of my hearing holes.”

Joohyun laughs, Grandma chuckles and shakes her head, and they return to their food peacefully, one pair of chopsticks slightly shakier than the rest.

Joohyun retires to her old attic bedroom after dinner. The place has been recently cleaned but everything is still where she left it. Her low single bed crammed in one side by the window, the lamp and old high school textbooks on her nightstand, the fairy lights and sticky notes on the wall scribbled with reminders and to-do lists, the bookshelves half empty because she had taken her favorites with her to Seoul, picture frames displayed on top of her dresser.

Her large purple suitcase stood in the middle of it all, probably just carelessly pushed there by a grumbling Sooyoung, looking out of place. A present object amidst possessions of the past.

Tentatively, she sits on the bed. Weird. This is the place she used to occupy yet she doesn’t feel like she belongs. Like her luggage. She feels like she’s intruding, breaking the tranquility of her own memories. Her eyes lands on the wall dominated by purple post-its.   

• Write an argumentative essay on “production and sales of tobacco must be made illegal” (It must! Duh! THEYRE A HAZZARD TO MY HEALTH)
• Math assignment (Page 177)
• [URGENT] BOOK REPORT DUE ON WEDNESDAY!!! AKSAJKSKAA
• [SC DUTIES] meeting tomorrow for the upcoming sports fest
• [SC DUTIES] submit proposal to use the gymnasium
• study
• study
• study
• try baking cookies (will she like it?)

She reaches out, about to peel off the only blue in the midst of purple, and stopped herself. It might not stick back again if she takes it off.  Sighing, she falls back on her bed instead and watches the leaves drop and dance from the tree outside her window. Strange, how each leaf knows when to let go at the right time.

She doesn’t know what she’s doing. Granted, she never did. But it’s too late to back down now, isn’t it?

Taking a deep breath, she sits up, rummages through her luggage, and takes out her journal and pen. Lying on her stomach, she flips through the pages and begins to write.

Hey, diary…
Do you think she still remembers me?

***

The road to Shinhwa High School is filled with memories. Joohyun strolled through the winding path, seeing snippets of the past in the coffee shops she used to frequent with friends, in the shade of an old tree where powerful words of ‘I’m sorry’ once made a boy cry, and in the rice cake shop she liked to visit. The laughter, the chatter, the silly shenanigans.

She looks back at that younger version of herself and thinks, how pretentious.

Turning left around the corner, she sees vending machines and two girls on the bench beside it, sitting a little too close. She stops in her tracks and stares. One of them looked up and their eyes met.

Oh. They’re not from her memories.

Embarrassed, she bows her head and continues on her way.

She finds herself halting again in a crossroad. To the right, the street would lead to the school. To the left, it would bring her to a certain clinic. She can almost see her high school self, young and spirited, just as uncertain as she is, hesitating right on this spot. She shakes her head at her timidity. She should’ve just gone for it.

Yet even as she thought that, Joohyun turns right.

The black, towering barred gates of Shinhwa High School is now in sight, the grey brick building looming behind it. Joohyun doesn’t pause to reminisce. She briskly heads straight, trying in vain to ignore the memories that inevitably tickles her conscious.

She had once walked through this same street, passed through this same gate, a lot younger and uncertain. Now, she’s older but still just as unsure.

There’s that inexplicable bittersweet feeling again. She picks up her pace, jogging inside the building as if she can actually run from her own mind.

The lobby is empty. No staff, no faculty, no students fooling around. The nostalgic feeling solidifies into cement, sinking in her stomach and bringing out a sense of being left behind. All of them have moved on to the next chapters of their lives but here she is, lost without destination, not even knowing if she’s doing the right thing. 

Her feet takes a step and another and she finds herself climbing the staircase with one destination in mind: rooftop.

The mere thought of the place brings her great comfort in the form of guitar melodies, honey coated voice, smiles that outshine the sun, and eyes that held home.

Her stride quickens, taking two steps at a time. Her heart hammers in her chest. There’s one place. One place where she felt like she belonged.

“Bae Joohyun?”

The sound of her name startles her so much she yelped and jumped back from the next flight of stairs she’s about to climb.

“You’re Bae Joohyun, aren’t you?”

She turns and stares blankly at the bespectacled middle-aged man, trying to match the face with a name.

“Mr…Yoo?”

“Ah! It is you. Look how much you’ve grown!” his grin splits his face in a happy crinkle. “I heard from Mrs. Kim you’d be coming today to discuss that Theatre Arts position with Mrs. Choi.” he pauses. “Her office is in the faculty room. It’s this way.” he gestures behind him.

Joohyun feels herself automatically restructuring, shapeshifting as the student council president, straight-A student Bae Joohyun takes the reins. She smiles. “Oh. It’s still there? I thought it would be in a different room after all these years.” she said as she falls into step next to him, the rooftop pushed to the back of her mind.

“Things have indeed shuffled around but it still goes back to where it used to be, you know?” he chuckles. “I apologize if it’s too sudden. The teacher who’s supposed to fill in that position suddenly resigned and we’re a bit understaffed as is so it’s just really urgent.”

Joohyun hums, her hands instinctively clasped and she finds herself sticking to the right side of the hall. “Please don’t apologize, sir. It’s an honor to serve my alma mater. I’ve been wanting to take a break from the hectic life in Seoul so I think this is perfect.”

“I heard you’re in theatre now. I have to say, I’m not surprised. You’ve always done well in front of crowds.”

Joohyun just forces herself to chuckle, the sound grating against her ears.

“The Velvet Theatre, isn’t that right?”

“Yes, sir.”

“You’ve really come a long way. I’m proud.” He smiles at her, all warm and fatherly and Joohyun feels suffocated and queasy, thinking of another soul who would be disappointed if they find out the truth about how she’s never really who they think she is.

A trustworthy student leader? A perfect girl with perfect grades and personality? A strong girl who never crumbles under pressure? Someone impressive who takes the front seat and crashes into challenges head-first? A confident person who bravely stands in front of the crowd? A successful woman with plans all set up for the future?

Ha. A load of crap.

But she smiles, because that’s what she’s expected to do. “It’s all thanks to all of you in this school, sir.” her tongue felt like lead but the words flows out like sugarcoated honey.

There’s more faculty present than she expected. She politely smiled and bowed at curious heads turning as she entered, trying to ignore the subtle whispers that followed on her way to the principal’s office deep in the room.

“I didn’t know there’re teachers in today. If I had, I would’ve brought something for everyone.” Joohyun tells Mr. Yoo.

“Oh, it’s fine. You can do that next time. Here it is. Go on, she’s expecting you.”

Joohyun thanks him and bows as he leaves. Taking a deep breath, she knocks three times, hears consent, and entered the office. A woman sits behind the desk, a name plate reading Choi Jiwoo.

“Pardon the intrusion. My name is Bae Joohyun, ma’am. For the theatre arts position?”

“Ah, yes, Ms. Bae! Sit, sit.” the woman welcomes her with a bright smile.

She sits, a bit tense. This woman isn’t the principal from her time. But perhaps that’s fortunate. She would be too nervous if it’s still Mrs. Lee. She wonders where she might be. She had been a severe elderly even back then. Is she still alive? 

They start with small talk, discussing how she’s an alumna, talking about her time in this school, and then moved on to more serious business matters. Everything has been taken care of in the HR. Work and classes starts next week. Her desk is ready and she can bring her things tomorrow.

Mr. Yoo and Mrs. Kim are nowhere to be found but thankfully, the principal, Mrs. Choi, walked her to the door. Curious eyes followed them and she can only hope Mr. Yoo and Mrs. Kim didn’t spread exaggerated things about her or talked about her at all. But knowing their chatty tendencies, she wouldn’t put it past them.

“Thank you for accepting our offer, Ms. Bae.” Mrs. Choi says as Joohyun stands in the hallway.

“No, I should thank you.” Joohyun replies. “I look forward to working with you, ma’am.”

“Likewise. Go home safe.”

“Will do.”

She bowed and started to leave. She heard the door close and she stopped walking and just stood there, in the middle of the hallway. Closing her eyes, she held her breath and listened to the sound of silence, waiting for a sign of some sort as to if this is the right thing to do or if she’s just wasting her time.

There’s nothing.

Sighing, she shook her head. Rapping her knuckles on her head, she told herself aloud, “You better get a hold of yourself. You’re not in high school anymore. There’s no turning back now, okay?” she paused. “Or maybe there is.”

She steps back and opens her eyes, about to go and tell Mrs. Choi she changed her mind, something came up—anything. Just make up an excuse. How hard can it be? This is just too much of a risk. She can't just--

In the corner of her eye, she sees a figure standing around the corner and Joohyun freezes.

She blinked rapidly, eyes widening each time. There she is, the person she’s been wanting to see, the only person who made sense out of her chaotic plot of her life, the calm eye in the middle of her raging storm.

Joohyun’s heart picks up pace—trotting, cantering, then breaking into a gallop as if it wants to break out of her ribs and jump into the other girl’s hands.

For a moment, the veil of time slips away.

On the wings of yearning, she floats back to that time 15 years ago during this time of the year, at this same place.

“Ugh! There’s so much work to do and it’s not even a week since I took the seat yet.” 16 year-old Joohyun had grumbled in the middle of the deserted hallway, stomping her feet and gesturing animatedly with her hands. “I didn’t even want to be a part of the student council, what more being the president? I—”

She had abruptly stopped when she looked up and met another pair of eyes, giving her a blank yet weird look. Blood rushes to her cheeks.

Oh my god, she remembers thinking, now the entire school will think Bae Joohyun is a big, tantrum-throwing baby. This is the end of me. Goodbye, world. It was nice knowing you.

“Y-Y-You there!” she cursed herself for stuttering, scrambling to stand straighter than she already was as if that would redeem her pride. “Y-You’re a first year, aren’t you? W-Why aren’t you in class?”

As if she wasn’t humiliated enough, the girl just continued to give her that weird look that bordered on judgmental before walking away without a word.

The memory ripples and time ticked back to its normal pace.

She’s still there.

Joohyun wonders if this is just her head again, projecting images from her memories. Maybe she’s just seeing things.

She opens to speak. “S—”

“Bae Joohyun!”

The loud voice echoes in the deserted hallway and Joohyun whirled around, surprised. Mrs. Kim is jogging up to her with a wide grin.

“No running and shouting in the hallway, Mrs. Kim.” she automatically reprimands.

“It’s really you!” the woman giggles, poking her as if amazed that she’s really there flesh and all. “You really haven’t changed a bit, Bae Joohyun.”

Joohyun’s smile falters. She casts her gaze to the floor. “Yeah. I suppose you’re right.”

“I was out when you arrived and when you left I was in the restroom. I almost didn’t catch you. It’s been so long! You look so much older now!”

“Gee, thanks.”

Mrs. Kim Yoojin was one of those younger, fresh graduate teachers back in her day and she had been one of the most approachable and sociable teachers. Now she’s married and a proud mother of two. Time sure does fly.

"I got your desk right next to mine. It's going to be so weird working with my student." Mrs. Kim laughs. "You going to bring your stuff over tomorrow?"

Joohyun turns to look at that spot around the corner. But it’s empty, as though it was never occupied.

Well...mirage or not, maybe that’s the sign she's been waiting for.

"Yes. I am."

***

“That’s all…I think.” Joohyun says, stepping back and admiring her work. Well, it’s not much. She just brought her favorite stationaries, a tiny cactus from home, her favorite coffee mug printed with the quote ‘I’m just gonna SIP MY TEA’, a box of tissues, a portable air diffuser, a desk clock, and a couple of books on theatre.

“You can go home now if you’re done.” Mrs. Kim says. She’s idly sitting at her desk, sipping iced coffee that Joohyun had brought for everyone.

She sits and sets up her laptop. “I still need to do my lesson plan and prepare for the orientation.” she lifts the school handbook, “I may have been the student council president before but I’m sure some rules have changed since then, right?”

“Hm? But the lesson plan’s not due until the second week of class. You can take it easy.”

Joohyun gives her a smile, shaking her head. “I’ll do it now.”

“You sure you don’t want to work on it at home?”

“I think it’s easier to focus here. And I can always ask you when I’m confused about something.”

Joohyun can see the woman watch her from the corner of her eye. “You don’t have to work this hard…oh well, but then again, you’re Bae Joohyun. You’re still as diligent as ever. I guess some things never does change.”

She hums noncommittally, “I wonder.”

The truth is, she didn’t really want to work on it so soon. She has little idea on how to do it after all. And she’s tired. Nothing’s been making her busy but she feels exhausted, just like that. But staying at home doing nothing would only lead to more thoughts plaguing her mind and that would only make her more drained than she already is.

At least this faculty room doesn’t trigger flashbacks. It’s the same room as before but it had been renovated and rearranged that it’s barely recognizable. Immersing herself in work would give her mind something to focus on and leave no room for unnecessary thoughts.

She’s better off like this. It’s what she does, what she’s used to. Even back in Seoul, she would work herself to the bone just so she can stop thinking. Becoming one with the characters she played so she could live in their world and escape hers even just for a short while. It worked, but not as well as she had hoped, obviously.

Her escape eventually turned into a burden, slowly but surely. With every character that borrows her body, she slowly starts losing substance of herself and she’s back to becoming an empty vessel. Perhaps, with each role she plays, those characters took a little bit of her soul with them and eventually left her with nothing. And she soon finds that on stage, she never found home.

And during one performance, under the spotlight, facing countless pairs of eyes, she started to wonder again, after so long of suppressing it: what am I doing?

One question leads to another and another and soon, it’s all that filled her mind.

Before she knew it, she’s in a train to Ulsan, on her way to where it all began in hopes of finding her scattered lost pieces and put it back together again. Though now, she has no idea how to do that or where to start.

She recalls her weird encounter yesterday. Until now, she can’t decide if what the girl she saw was real or a mere figment of her imagination, an image conjured by her nostalgia addled mind. Perhaps even a school ghost haunting her. In any case, it’s just impossible for her to be there.

After all, she’s supposed to be in Canada…right?

***

With Mrs. Kim’s help, she finished working on her lesson plans for the entire week. Joohyun called her parents, both being university professors, for advice and prepared teaching materials way ahead of time.

She also pored over the school handbook in a borderline obsessive manner and have possibly memorized every single detail. Mrs. Kim had a lot about being too serious about it but Joohyun personally thought it’s important.

Teaching is a foreign territory. She never took any teaching units back in college and neither did she ever dream of entering such profession. Her parents didn’t try to get her into it either so she never spared the idea a thought.

Now, the week has passed and it’s officially the first day of class. Joohyun walks along the cherry blossomed streets with the students and felt nostalgic yet again. It’s just weird, to be walking the same streets once more but with a different purpose. Instead of wearing her school uniform, she’s now wearing a blazer and dress pants, carrying lesson plans and school records instead of textbooks.

“Hey.” Mrs. Kim catches up with her in the school lobby, “So. First day of school. You excited?”

Joohyun thinks about it. She can’t say if it’s excitement or anxiety. Maybe both, with a little bit more of the latter. “I guess I’m a bit nervous.” 

“Oh, please. There’s nothing to be nervous about.” Mrs. Kim waves her worries off. “They’re just a bunch of kids and you’ve performed in front of a bigger, more mature audience, right?”

Yes but she finished a four-year course and went through workshops and months of practice to prepare herself for that. In this case, what brought her here was an impulsive train ticket to Ulsan, muddled feelings, and reckless decisions.

“Besides, look.” Mrs. Kim elbows her, “You’re already making heads turn. With that face, I’m sure you can tame students with one smile.”

“I’m sorry but I plan to handle them with one glare.”

Mrs. Kim left her stuff in the faculty room before leaving for her homeroom class. Joohyun’s first class doesn’t start until 10 so she sits at her desk, going through the notes she had made. She had debated with herself on which approach to use; friendly and approachable or strict and scary.

She came into the conclusion that the latter would work for her best. Having a pretty face would usually give off the impression of being a push-over and she’s not there to be bullied by teenagers.

But honestly, the thought of teaching made her nervous. She never liked giving reports as a student. She never liked public speaking as a student council president. She never liked performing in front of crowds as an actress. She tried hard not to make it show and succeeded but deep inside, she suffered through every second of it.

What if she messes up? What if she makes a fool of herself? At least with theatre, she has to follow a script which has been rehearsed a thousand times to perfection before it is performed. Maybe she shouldn’t have done this. Maybe she should’ve just returned to Seoul.

Joohyun picked up her mug and goes to the pantry for tea to calm her nerves. A woman is already there. Their eyes met and they exchanged polite nods and smiles.

“Good morning. Ms. Bae Joohyun, right?”

“Yes. And you’re Ms. Kang Seulgi?”

The woman smiles, eyes disappearing. Pretty. Very pretty. “You remember.”

Joohyun smiles back. “Of course.”

“You’re teaching theatre arts, right? I teach arts history. I heard you’re an alumna? I saw your photo in the student council room.”

Joohyun grimaces. “I see they still keep such traditions. How many years have you been teaching, Ms. Kang?” she asks, just to change topics.

The woman stirs her coffee. She uses a bear mug, Joohyun notices, with protruding ceramic ears and all. “Hmm…for four years now. But it’s just a side-job.  I’m a museum educator, most of the time.”

Joohyun’s lips forms an ‘o’, “That’s impressive.” she sips her tea and sighs in content.

“You’re a theatre actress from The Velvet Theatre. That’s impressive. I love your plays. It’s always informative and tackles important issues in society. I’m a fan, really.” she gives her a double thumbs up and a big grin and Joohyun is reminded of a child. “I especially loved your GL rendition of The Tale of Shim Cheong. This country needs to be more open about the different ual identities and it also pointed out the obvious misogyny of ancient Korea and sadly, it’s still prevalent now.”

Joohyun remembers that play. It was indeed meaningful and a lot painful. She had played the role of the chancellor’s wife, a young girl who lived a sheltered life, stuck in a strategic chess game of power in order to survive. Characterizing her had been depressing. She’s probably one of the roles that had taken a huge chunk of Joohyun’s soul.

“Yes. That one is my favorite as well.” she says. “I’ll be seeing you around then. I still need to prepare for class.”

Ms. Kang smiles, “I’m sure you’ll do well.”

Joohyun thanks her and returns to her desk. Everyone seems to expect her to be great and it doesn’t help ease her anxiety. If anything, it only added to the weight on her shoulders.

Time passed by faster than she wanted and before she knew it, she’s already on her way to her first class armed with her class record and a pen. She has long given up on trying to calm herself. It’s not going to work anyway so she focuses on hiding it instead, paying extra attention to her posture and expression to make sure not a hint of panic shows through.

Okay. Think acting. Think that you’re playing a role of a serious teacher. Oh my god, I can’t—

She enters the classroom and chatters die. She stands behind the teacher’s table and looks at each of the students’ faces, trying to imprint them in her mind. The room is quiet and she can feel the heavy tension. It’s a freshman class and everyone seems fresh and eager. So much energy. Everyone’s eyes were on her, barely blinking. Joohyun vaguely wonders if they’re okay.

“I’ll be taking attendance. Say ‘present’ when your name is called.” she startsthe roll call, taking her time in calling the names, looking at the student’s face properly, and whispering the name again to herself after.

“My name is Bae Joohyun. You can call me Ms. Bae and I will be teaching you theatre arts.” she tells them. “Do you have any questions?”

Silence.

Seriously? Joohyun breathes out through her nose. The students just keeps staring at her, some even has their mouths agape. What’s with that? Did these kids skip breakfast or something?

“Not curious? Alright. If you have questions then I will be the one to ask—”

Hands shot up and Joohyun holds back a smile. That line had always been threatening, even back in her time. Students from every generation hates oral participation.

“Yes?” she nods at a student, “Kim Saeron, was it?”

The girl’s eyes widens and she nods, pink dusting her cheeks. “Um, ma’am, are you perhaps…Shinhwa’s student council president back in 2005?”

The school has a tradition of putting up a hall of fame of some sort for previous student council members to honor them or something but Joohyun thinks it’s to expose their embarrassing puberty faces though.

“That’s right.” she turns to another student. “Yes?”

“You’re a theatre actress, right? The Velvet Theatre?”

“I was part of The Velvet for about 9 years, yes.”

Gasps and murmurs explodes in the classroom and Joohyun barely catches ‘oh my god no way’, ‘she’s really that Bae Joohyun!’ and ‘unbelievable’. 

She never considered herself famous. Theatre isn’t as well-known as film after all. But these students chose to take theatre arts so perhaps it’s natural for them to be interested and knowledgeable about it.

They eagerly asked more questions after that and Joohyun is relieved they’re genuinely interested in theatre. The questions are mostly about their curiosity about her profession, though of course there are still those kids who asked if they can marry her which she just coolly answered with a, ask me again after 10 years and we’ll see.

She discussed her class dos and don’ts next, asked them for their opinions, and agreed on a set of rules and punishments. It went better than she expected and she dismissed them hoping that all her classes would go just as smoothly.

Fortunately, she finished going through the rest of her classes without a hitch. Now she’s sitting at her desk in the faculty room, unable to believe that she really went through that ordeal. Dear lord, she’s already dreading tomorrow. Why am I even doing this…

“How’s first day?” Mrs. Kim asks.

Draining. “Not that bad, I admit.”

“I heard from my students that they love you.”

Joohyun raises a brow. She didn’t exactly do anything to be loved. In fact, she kept her cold front until the end. “Why would they?”

“They think you’re scary but hot.” Mrs. Kim chuckles. “There’s already a topic about you in the student forums. Your photos are circulating the internet.”

“My photos are what? Wait, when did they even take photos?”

“Déjà vu, right?” Mrs. Kim says, reminding Joohyun of what happened her entire high school days; the people waiting in front of their school to catch a glimpse of her, the students looking into her classroom windows to see her. The gifts and the confessions. It was horrible and not to mention embarrassing—a part of her high school life she tries hard to forget.

“The school is already doing something about it, don’t worry.” Mrs. Kim reassures her. “But don’t expect it to die so easily. News spreads like wildfire in the internet. Actually, it might not completely die at all.”

Joohyun sighs. Whatever, she’s used to it anyway. She opens her laptop and starts to work.

“You sure you’re staying back?” Mrs. Kim asks, all ready to clock off. Most of the teachers had also left and the ones left behind are already preparing to leave.

But Joohyun nods, “Yes, ma’am.”

Mrs. Kim tuts. “Please. Just call me ‘unnie’. You’re making me feel old.”

“But we’re working…and you used to be my teacher…”

The woman sighs. “Alright. Do whatever you want. I’m going first, Bae. Don’t stay too long, alright?”

“Take care.”

“See you.”

By the time Joohyun finishes doing revisions on her lesson plan everyone had already left. It’s already 5pm. She saves her work in a flash drive, puts her laptop in her drawer, and leaves.

The hallways are quiet and she stops at that spot where she saw that image or whatever that was. Her feet resumes moving but instead of taking the stairs down, she takes the stairs leading up.

When she reaches the final landing, she’s out of breath. Shinhwa High School’s rooftop had been a restricted area back in their day. But as the student council president, Joohyun had access to the keys and, well, she may or may not have abused it.

Now she stands before the door, feeling nervous for some reason. She fiddles with her fingers, hesitating whether to turn the knob or not. Her breathing has gone back to normal but her heart still hammers in her chest. Opening it would be like opening a door to the past. The memories would overwhelm her. Is she ready to face that?

Maybe not yet, maybe not ever, but she longs for the comfort the place brings and her cravings for the breadcrumbs of warmth weighs heavier than her apprehension. Taking a deep breath, she grabs the doorknob, twists, and pushes.

Sunrays momentarily blinds her. She squeezes her eyes shut for a moment before opening them a crack, blinking rapidly to regain her sight. The cool breeze greets her and she steps into the rooftop. Closing the door behind her, she squints up at the sky, admiring the clouds.

 She heaves a sigh. I’m back.

“…sunbae?”

Joohyun freezes, the rush of her blood and the beats of her heart booming in her ears. Slowly, very slowly, as if rushing would wake her up from this dream, she turns to the direction of the voice.

And yes. There she is. Sitting against the railing, dark hair ruffled and blown by the breeze. There she is. More beautiful than Joohyun remembers and she forgets to breathe.

Everything else goes silent and all she can hear is the rapid yet tenuous thumping of her heart, tapping a nervous song to itself.

Joohyun parts her lips, uttering its lyrics aloud.

“Son Seungwan.”

Hey, diary?
Holy .

a/n:

If anyone is curious, the play mentioned above is based from the manhwa Her Tale of Shimcheong by Seri and Bi-wan. It's SO good I recommend y'all to check it out.

Love lots~