Oh jelly, jelly.

I’m in so much pain. Even chewing, it hurts so much. My friends always tell me I have to do something about it, talk to somebody, but I can’t help it — my jaw is permanently in such tension that my face muscles have knots over knots, I swear. It hurts so damn much.

The truth is that I’ve always been a person prone to anxiety, my sheer introversion didn’t help the least bit with that either, and every time my body flares up in alert, which is very often, I tend to clench my jaw. It’s got so bad during the last few years that I even do so in my sleep. My mind is permanently attacked and filled by so many lines of endless trails of thought, everything shouting in my head at the same time and I struggle to make sense of anything — for that, to take into account every variable of the problems I’m presented with every day, I have to stop and think and I rarely have that. Everyone keeps getting angry at me because I spend most of the day inside of my own head but they don’t understand that I am trying to understand, that I’m trying to see the reality of every day and come up with rational and thoughtful conclusions. My own thoughts and opinions.

This is why I hate having deep conversations, because it takes me so long to know firmly where I do stand that the moment passes and I’ve just been quiet. But it doesn’t end there — afterwards, it can be months from the moment it happened or sometimes years, it could be at 2 am in bed or taking a shower, I remember the moment I could have said this or that and I just want to scream.

Existing in my own head feels so exhausting. People say I am a very intelligent woman but for years I never knew why. They all make choices all the time and so quick, how can they say that when it takes so long and requires such hard mental work for me to resolve a tiny problem? Such a question tormented me for a long time, I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact other people were able to take in every variable of the equation, branch the endless different possibilities and decide for the one that is overall the most rational in such record time. That is until I realized they just don’t — most people rarely give enough thought to life and just go through it blind and hoping not to fall from a cliff headfirst. It’s both frustrating although at the same time so mysterious and alluring to me.

That’s what attracted me from Chaeyoung from the first time I saw her, the way she seemed to walk smoothly without the fear of falling but never stopping once to reflect before acting, yet that’s also why I know she’s not thinking at all as I watch her from afar talking to Somi. She’s an attractive woman, I might be engaged but I’m not blind — That and my pensive nature is why I tend to notice things that other people don’t and that maybe I wouldn’t like to see at all times. While I take another sip of my tea, my mind is blasted with too many outcomes and possibilities and it’s giving me a migraine.

“You can sneer at Somi all you want, you won’t obliterate her,” Jeongyeon-eonnie jokes next to me.

“Mina-eonnie, you’re scary sometimes.” My eyes fall on Dahyun, sitting on her girlfriend’s lap all cozy. Chaeyoung should be here doing the same but instead she’s sitting with her friend as the girl holds her hand over the table! They…

“They do look like a couple,” Nayeon-eonnie completes my thought and rests her head on Dahyun. The girl turns a bit, shifting not to crush her girlfriend.

“But they’re not,” Dahyun argues and both Jeong and I look down to the table.

“So if you were to see me like that with Jisoo, for example, you would be totally fine,” Nayeon challenges. “That is what you’re saying.” They’re at it again — it’s always playful and teasing banter but it makes me wonder why Nayeon-eonnie is with someone as chill as Dahyun and still expect to get certain reactions from her by pushing her buttons. Jeongyeon gives me a look and a chuckle, it’s a recurring joke between us. Jeong thinks they keep doing that because they bring something spicy from it to the bedroom and while I do not have any reason to distrust someone who has been her friend since kindergarten, this Is a trail of thought I do try my best to block.

But let’s go back to what’s important, my fiancee obviously being hit on by some random . No, not , after a lot of reflection I decided to stop using that word lightly… In any case, this situation is unacceptable.

“Eonnie,” Dahyun draws back my attention. “You know you have nothing to worry about, right?” I release a deep sigh.

“I do trust Chae with my life.” Maybe my tone has been a bit more harsh than I intended but such hard gulp from the girls is definitely way too theatrical. Still not as exaggerated as Somi’s sudden laugh. My Chaeyoung can be many things but she’s not that funny! “The thing is that girl’s intentions are obviously sketchy and I don’t like that,” I say as I stand up.

Chaeyoungie obviously sees me walking towards them out of the corner of her eye because she immediately turns to me with the biggest and most innocent smile on her face.

“Minari!” she calls for me so endearingly that when I reach her I can’t help leaning to peck her, a couple of fingers lifting her chin to keep it in place. Okay, maybe it’s a bit too deep for a simple peck but it’s not like I’m making out with her in the middle of the cafeteria, that would be something a jealous would do and I’m not such a thing — I’m only a jealous mild idiot.

When I pull back, Chaeyoungie’s cheeks are flushing red, just like when she drinks or… never mind. So cute.

“Hey, Somi, how are you?” I ask with a smile, standing right in my spot. I don’t even bow but it’s not me trying to be rude but because I literally can’t move. If I do, I might lose my cool. The girl smiles too and I notice how she doesn’t only not release my girl’s hand but she also tangles their fingers. WHO THE HELL DOES SHE THINK SHE IS? She better admits defeat, I’ve never been one to hesitate before crushing someone who deserves it this much.

“Mina-eonnie, you seem thirsty, want some tea?” Somi counters and I swear I’m about to throw myself at her jugular.

“How thoughtful of you, no thank you,” I reply with a wide smile.

“Ok, yup, we better go…” Chaeyoung sits up and puts her arms around my waist, walking me away. “Nice to see you around, Somi.”

Our eyes meet before she chuckles and spits: “Call me if you want to see that expo.”

When we make it to our table, Jeongyeon and Nayeon are crackling, only Dahyun sports her usual relaxed expression. Nothing else is talked about it and if I’m the one sitting on Chaeyoung’s lap it’s not because I’m fuming and want her warmth and hugs but because we deem it’s the most comfortable way in the moment. No, it has nothing to do with me being jealous and wanting to let the weight of my engagement ring to land horizontally and with great force on that… girl’s nose. Not at all.

, my jaw hurts so much, I’ve been clenching it again.

***

It’s late but videogames help me relaxing a lot. Doctors say you shouldn’t be watching screens before going to bed but in my case my insomniac is so much worse if I don’t. Actually, there’s something else that would help me with that but Chaeyoung doesn’t seem to be in the mood and I don’t want to pry so no y times for this girl tonight. It’s both unfortunate and a good thing at the same time, though — you better not make a joke, it would be inappropriate, but my jaw hurts way too much today to perform correctly. You laugh now but it is a serious problem, stop!

“Bed time, turn that off.” Chaeyoung enters the bedroom freshly showered in her white summer pajamas, opens the window to allow some fresh breeze to enter the room and slides between the sheets. Then, she takes my Nintendo Switch and puts it on the bedside table in spite of my whining. “Don’t be a baby.”

“I’m not a baby, you are baby,” I counter with a pout and capture her lips. Chaeyoung kisses me back but soon starts giggling against my lips. “What?”

“You’re clingy today,” she says as a finger softly pokes my frown. “Someone was jelly.” And another someone was totally playing dumb and enjoying the scene, it seems.

“I dunno what you’re talking about.” I playfully cover myself up to my nose with the sheet and close my eyes. Immediately after a light laugh, I can feel her weight over me, taking the sheet away as she lies on top of me and kisses my nose.

“Were you worried I’d fall for Somi’s charms?” She’s pretty amused, isn’t she? Two can play this game.

“And what charms are those exactly?” When I open my eyes, I’m delighted to witness the hesitation in her bratty smile. I know I’ve cornered her and she does too so she just releases a loud and whiny complain and hides her face on my neck while I laugh and pat her . Chaeyoung’s rear has always been so firm — after we got together, I finally understood Nayeon’s obsession with butts.

“Even if she had any I wouldn’t notice,” she murmurs against my skin, placing soft and slow kisses on my neck. “You fill all my senses.”

“Charmer.” I give another little squeeze to her before starting to draw shapes on her back. “I know she’s pretty, you don’t need to pretend.” Placing a kiss on her head, I ease any trace of tension in her body and hug her waist with my legs. “That’s not what bothers me.”

“What then?” Chaeyoungie sounds so soft, so tender. She looks at me with wondrous eyes and a soft smile tugging from the corner of , then she caresses my nose with hers and pecks my lips.

“She knows we’re together but she keeps flirting with you right in front of me,” I huff, trying not to sound too childish but with little success. Pain. Damn jaw.

“Are you clenching your teeth again?” Chaeyoung’s countenance cracks with a sudden and dark shade of concern. The last thing I wanted was to make her worry, she has already too much on her plate with the wedding arrangements and her work. Just so you know, she said she wanted to be in charge of the wedding aesthetics. Lately, she’s been working non-stop to be able to get to everything and at the same time keeping me in the dark about it. To be honest, I was slightly afraid at first but she promised not to involve street elements or spray painting, for my mental health’s sake. What did I do to trick her into marrying me? “Let me see.” She caresses both sides of my face and presses both sides of the joint lightly, still enough to make me wince. With a deep sigh, Chaeyoung furrows her brow and keeps massaging it carefully, trying to ease the tension of my muscles. Her touch has always been so comforting. Well, it hurts, it does, but how good it feels- Ouch! Not when she presses there though. “Sorry, baby.” She places a kiss on the spot and keeps easing knots while I slide my hands under her shirt and draw hearts on her skin.

“Chaeyoungie,” I call and she stops, propping herself up with her elbows, carefully not to trap my hair. Some strands of colored blue hair fall out of place and I fix them before saying: “Will you marry me?” She finds it very funny.

“I thought I said yes already?” Chaeyoung leans and teases a kiss a couple of times, knowing how much that makes me crave . When she finally lets me kiss her, she makes it too short, capturing my lower lip as she pulls away once again. “Yes, I do.”

“Just wanted to make sure,” I manage to say, out of breath and cheeks flushing red.

“How come you have asked twice and I have asked none?” Her face is so expressive, really comical. She’s so squishy, oh goodness.

“You tell me!”

Chaeyoung leans once again but instead of kissing me, this time she caresses my ear with her lips.

“You’ll marry me, right, Minari?” I nod, what else would you like me to do? “You won’t bail on me and run away on a horse, right?” On a… what? I turn my face to look at her and I’m met with a cheerful smile.

“Does that mean there’s gonna be horses in our wedding?” I ask, inquisitively. Chaeyoung wavers, that’s so suspicious.

“Ok, call it horses or call it motorbikes…”

“Chaeyoungie!” she starts laughing her as off. She must be kidding me. “We said no punky stuff!”

“I’m joking, I’m joking…” Then, she rests her head on my chest and snuggles. “Remind me to call to cancel the giant hourglass tomorrow.”

I… You know what? I’m not even going to ask.