As my Professor dismissed us, I crammed my things into my bag, trying my best to hide my trembling hands. I stood, my legs shaking beneath me, and slung my bag over my shoulder. 

My stomach turned as I made my way to the center of campus. As soon as i left the building i felt the breeze against my sweaty forehead.

As the panic threatened to spill over, I only had one thought.

Bangchan, Bangchan, Bangchan.

My eyes searched the courtyard, desperately seeking him out.

He stood, backpack over his shoulder, wearing shorts and a long sleeve shirt, and his favorite black converse. His back was to me but i'd recognize that blonde wavy hair anywhere.

But he wasn't alone. He was in the middle of talking to a few of his friends.

"Oh god please," I muttered under my breath, willing them to leave. It had nothing to do with them, I just desperately needed Bangchan, and only Bangchan.

I hesitated momentarily, but as i did so, my panic increased, so i moved toward him, trying my best not to look how I felt. 

Luckily they finished their conversation before I got there.

 Bangchan didn't see me coming until i was all of a few feet away.

"Hi baby," he smiled the moment he saw me. I felt guilty for a moment, knowing i was going to wipe that smile off his face.

I wrapped my arms around him, my head thumping against his chest as I buried my face in it.

My grip tightened, and I felt his hands on my back. "Everything ok?"

It wasn't, or maybe it was, but it definitely didn't feel ok.

My breathing was erratic as I fought to keep from sobbing. I didn't want to cause a scene.

He picked up on it and acted immediately.

"Hey, shhh, it's ok." he assured me, wrapping his arms around me.

I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. My body began shaking even harder.

"Slow your breathing baby girl, try to match mine ok."

I listened to him inhale, my ear against his chest. 

I closed my eyes, listening to his heart beat, hearing him breathe, slow and even.

I breathed in with him, and as he exhaled i did too. In and out, I matched his breathing.

His hands gently caressed my back, and he kissed the top of my head. 

"It's ok, I'm here, you are safe, nothing and no one is going to hurt you. I know it doesn't feel that way, but It'll pass. "

My body shook, my mind was racing, I couldn't seem to focus.

Again I inhaled with him, long and slow, and let it back out.

It started during lecture, i felt it coming on, and I tried so hard to fight it off. It was frustrating, having no control over these panic attacks. Never knowing when they would strike, or why. 

"That's it, nice and easy."

We stood there together for a few minutes until my breathing had slowed and the crying had stopped.

My body was still shaking, but I knew based on past attacks that that may last for a few hours still.

"Ready to go to the car, or do you want to wait a moment?"

"Car," I said softly. 

"Ok," he said, fishing in his backpack for something, before handing me a pair of sunglasses. If he noticed the tear stains on his shirt he didn't let on.

"Put these on, and we'll get going."

He knew how much i hated other people seeing me cry.

We made it to his car and he opened my door. Once I was seated he squat next to me taking his backpack off and rummaging through it, pulling out a water bottle, removing the lid and handing it to me.

The tears returned and he kissed my hand softly, resting his hand on my thigh he looked up into my face.

He wasn't annoyed, and he didn't freak out. He was calm, and gentle. He looked at me with care.

This wasn't the first time he'd seen me this way. 

It happened early on in our relationship. We'd been out together, everything was fine...next thing i knew, I was shaking, filled with terror and we were in a crowded space.

And Bangchan, bless his heart, had remained calm and seemed to know exactly what to do. He'd come along side me, put his arm around me and moved us to a more isolated space, talking to me the entire time, his voice calm and level. He didn't freak out or panic. Didn't treat me like I was crazy like some other people in my life did. 

And thats how he'd always handled it. Today was no different. 

On the drive home from the college campus, he held my hand, and talked calmly to me. When we arrived at his house, he led me to his room, taking my things and setting them in a chair. I sat at the edge of his bed, mind still racing, I didn't even hear him turn on the tub.

Eventually he came out and got me, leading me in to a tub full of hot water and bubbles.

He turned to me, cupping my face gently in his hands. "How are you doing?"

I swallowed. "I don't feel like throwing up any more and the panic is gone but my body is shaking and I can't seem to focus."

"Alright, lets get you a soak in the tub, It'll help," he said kissing the side of my head. "Go ahead. I'll be sitting just outside if you need anything."

He turned to leave and I felt the panic start to creep back in.

"Can you stay?" I asked sheepishly. I knew it was inappropriate but I didn't want to be away from him. His presence was helping to keep it from getting worse.

"Of course," he said before turning his back to me.

He stood, head down and eyes closed as I undressed.

I got into the tub, resting my back against the porcelain, the water and bubbles completely concealing my body.

"Ok," I said.

He turned, and came over and sat down on the floor next to the tub.

I couldn't look him in the eye. I hated the way these attacks made me act. I felt pathetic.

"I'm sorry,"  I said.

He smiled. "I knew you'd say that, but you don't need to."

"I feel bad, like this disrupts everything."

He shook his head. "You haven't disrupted anything. I planned to spend the day with you and we are still doing just that."

"You looked so happy before I showed up...you went from being carefree and happy to having to deal with my anxiety. I feel awful."

I remained staring at the bubbles in front of me. 

He reached over, placing a finger under my chin and gently turned my head, bringing my gaze to his.

He placed his chin on the edge of the tub and looked at me with his beautiful eyes, smiling at me, his dimples showing.

"I love you," he stated. "and I know that this is difficult. I know it frustrates you and I know that you have no control over it. I want to help, I want to be there for you. You are the most important person in the world to me. I want you to be ok and I will do whatever I need to to make it happen."

"I appreciate you, so much. Thank you for being so understanding. " I smiled, a tear spilling onto my cheek.

He smiled, reaching over to brush the tear away. 

"Why don't you turn your back to me and i'll wash your hair."

I did as he asked, hugging my knees and leaning forward slightly.

He talked to me about his classes as he worked my hair into a lather, from there he went on to talk about his favorite bands newest album, and then about the song he'd been inspired to write. 

Over the next few minutes I felt my body begin to ease, the shaking gradually came to a stop, my mind no longer spinning, and my muscles no longer tense. Listening to him talk was so relaxing. I found his voice calming and I was in love with his accent.

"Time to rinse," he said finally.

I closed my eyes as he poured the water over my head, rinsing the shampoo from my hair, and with it, the last of the panic.

I wiped the water from my eyes and sighed deeply.

"Hows that, Better?" Chan asked.

I turned my head to smile up at him. "Much."

I returned to my previous position, reclined against the edge of the tub, stretching out as he continued talking. 

After a bit he went silent, balled up his fist, resting his chin on it, the other hand he opened toward me. 

I took it.

"As much as i've enjoyed sitting here," he paused "the bubbles have been slowly disappearing and i'm going to find myself blushing shortly so, erm, ..."

Always a gentleman.

"Thank you," I smiled up at him.

He returned my smile. "You are most welcome," he kissed my hand. "I'll be in the kitchen when you're ready."

I watched him leave, he paused to wink at me before closing the door. 

I sighed, staring up at the ceiling. I was feeling much better, but these doggone attacks always left me feeling wiped out afterward. I was sleepy and emotionally exhausted.  

I got out of the tub and dried off, and opened the door to find a pair of leggings and a tshirt on the bed, along with one of Bangchan's hoodies.

I smiled as I dressed, warm and comfy.

I pulled the hood over my head, breathing in his scent still lingering on the material.  

I headed out of the bedroom and found him in the kitchen as he'd promised. 

He looked up when i entered, pausing what he was doing to turn to me.

"Thanks for the clothes," i smiled, stuffing my hands into the hoodie pocket. 

He took a step toward me, pulling me the rest of the way by the strings of the hoodie. I buried my face in his chest, nuzzling against him as he wrapped his arms around me. "I love you," I whispered, truly grateful to have someone like him.

He squeezed me as he replied. "I love you too."

"Thank you for being my safe place." 

I pulled back just enough to look up at him. 

He smiled at me.

Nothing but love on his face.

"Always."