The first major red flag in your relationship with Baekhyun was when you had wanted to get matching tattoos, but he said no.

There’s been other red flags in your relationship, but you’ve always brushed them off as him being cautious because you guys had just put a label on it. But it’s been three years since he’s asked you to be his girlfriend at your local korean street food market, and you’re starting to be convinced that he only did that to get a discount on the rice cakes you both couldn’t afford because you were fresh out of high school and broke. And now he can’t find it in himself to break your heart and tell you that it was just a joke. There were other small occurrences as well such as when he didn’t want to buy matching outfits, not even the cute pair of matching Mr and Mrs Bear socks you had fallen in love with while browsing in the mall. Or when you were already a year into dating and ready to meet his parents, but he had suggested that maybe you guys should hold the introductions off until a little later. You didn’t end up meeting his family until after seven months of persuading and begging.

All of these things, you assumed it was because he was shy. Going out in public with matching outfits on could be a bit overwhelming since it calls a lot of attention. And meeting his family could be a bit embarrassing to him because they won’t stop teasing him about being whipped. Bottom line was: you gave him the benefit of the doubt every time he turned you down.

Baekhyun wasn’t necessarily an expressive person. It took you months to figure that out. He was the type to bottle his emotions and feelings, and you would think that he’d eventually blow up. But he never did. And on top of that, he was a very calm person. Which was the perfect formula to disaster. If he was angry, he would take a couple days to himself, no contact, no calls, no texts. It was like he’d disappear for a little less than a week and then reappear again with a smile. And if he was sad, he’d disappear again. And if he was happy, he’d announce that it was a good day and continue on with his life. The only time he talked about his feelings was when you would tie him to a chair (of course not literally, but just sit him down and make sure to hold his hands so that he couldn’t pull away and avoid you) and force him to have the conversation with you. Because of this, Baekhyun developed a love for art, particularly tattoos where he could express himself through ink.

He didn’t necessarily have a sleeve of art or a hundred tattoos on his body, but he had a handful of small minimalistic tattoos that decorated the parts of his skin that weren’t all too visible. You only discovered this side of him when he came over with a new tattoo decorating the side of his neck a couple months after you made it official. It wasn’t like his others where you couldn’t see, this one called to be noticed but it wasn’t in your face. Instead, it was a simple cursive ‘B’ that started from behind his ear to mid neck.

So, you thought what harm would it do to get matching tattoos. Two of his favorite things: you and art, right?

Now at a whopping three years of being together, you were ready to take the relationship up a notch. To have him inked into your skin so that he’d always be near you.

“Baekhyun.” You piped up from your lying position.

You were laying with your cheek pressed against his chest while his one arm wrapped loosely around you and the other under his head. It was a long day and you both were just enjoying each other’s presence while trying to fall asleep. At least Baekhyun was but the black writing of “be brave, be humble” peeking from his collarbone just underneath his shirt was poking at you like a probe.

He lets out a small hum when you call his name, letting you know that he’s still awake and listening even though his eyes are closed. He had a husky tone to his voice which makes you feel a little guilty because that means that he was just about to fall asleep and you had woken him up. But only a little guilty. You’ve been wanting to talk to him about it for a couple weeks now and just could never find the right time until tonight, so you were going to use it.

“Did it hurt getting that tattoo?” You carefully begin, deciding that you should ease into the question rather than drop the bomb on him. To let him know which tattoo you were talking about, you reach your hand up to graze over the permanent ink near his neck, and not stop even when his shirt gets in the way.

You weren’t too happy when all you got in response was a small nod from him. Wrinkling your nose and softly huffing at the straight answer, you decide to pry harder. You your bottom lip, a little more persistent, “Was it expensive?”

There’s a small pause before he chuckles, shifts his position to now wrap both arms around you, and stick his nose into your hair. “I’ve already answered that when you first found out,” he sighs softly into your soft locks.

That was true. You had bombarded him with multiple questions regarding the tattoos, such as what they meant and when he got them. You’ve never been against Baekhyun having tattoos, in fact you were fascinated by that fact because it just made him look all the more perfect in your eyes. You were also an art lover, though not as devoted as him and were just purely curious in his choice. Which ultimately leaves you to a dead end now because, well you have your answers.

“I was just wondering,” you carefully start, as if treading on thin ice, “How would you feel about getting matching tattoos?”

He stops breathing for a second and his once closed eyes are open, staring at you and waiting for you to take back your question. His hold on you tenses up and you could feel your own breathing stop as you gaze up at him, and it feels like forever until he finally answers, his adoring eyes are now guarded. “No,” he simply declares.

Feeling a little disappointed at his immediate denial, you try to reason having already expected this kind of answer from him, “But it would be so cute. It’d be like our small way of always being close to each other.”

You were hopeful in changing his mind and he could see it, but once he’s set his mind on something, he’s unmoving. He actually expected you to suggest something along the lines of matching tattoos when you had been persistent on getting those hideous couple socks, in his opinion, because like you said, ‘it would be so cute.’ But after you never brought it up, he assumed that maybe you had dropped the idea by now. He didn’t expect to hear you say it so many years later.

“I don’t think we should.” This time, his voice is softer, more gentle compared to before. It was his way of letting you down softly, like he always did. His eyes flutter close again and he snuggles you against his side like before and it drives you insane that he doesn’t explain why.

With lips forming into a tight line, you pull away from him and crawl to sit on top, straddling his torso with an evident pout on your lips. You weren’t going to lose just yet. It was like he was expecting you to do that because his reaction was so minimal. His hands find their way to rest on your hips and he softly gazes up at you as if he’s already decided that this conversation was over, and no longer looks closed off.

“But why?” You question quietly.

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” he lies straight through his teeth. He definitely didn’t want to. “But I don’t want us to get something permanent like that, and possibly regret it if things don’t work out.” And maybe there was some truth in it.

You understood where he was coming from. A tattoo was a big commitment and once you get it, there’s no going back so you would have to choose wisely about what you really want on your skin. Baekhyun was always a step ahead of you, thinking about the possible future and only doing things that would benefit it, which you understood to an extent.

That was the red flag for you. After three years, you realized that maybe you weren’t included in the future Baekhyun envisioned. Perhaps, he wasn’t too sure about a future with you to begin with, which was why he always proceeded with caution. What if he didn’t want you to meet his parents because he knew you weren’t going to be permanent after all?

Those were all your thought processes in that moment, but you pushed it to the back of your head. Maybe you were overthinking it.

This was a trait of his that you would soon adapt into your everyday decisions, and not saying that you’re an overly impulsive person, but you love to occasionally live in the moment and do what makes you happy. So, a month later when you’re and on top of Baekhyun, he spots the small ink underneath your right in the midst of pleasure. It’s a simple date: the day he was born. And after that, he doesn’t talk to you for a straight four days.

He would have avoided you longer but Chanyeol’s birthday was that Tuesday night and he made you promise to accompany him to the party a week prior. So, he pulled his best face on and you slipped on your best dress, pretending as if just the night before he wasn’t mad at you and you weren’t irritated at him for ignoring you. This was a common routine in your relationship so you were both used to putting on a smile in the presence of others. Though the longer you lingered around Baekhyun, the less uptight your heart became. He was your rock and home, your safety net so you couldn’t be mad at him for too long, even if you really wanted to and he deserved it. However, you weren’t too sure if you could say the same about how Baekhyun feels about you.

Chanyeol was Baekhyun’s right hand man. Those two practically grew up when they were still in diapers and never once had Chanyeol left Baekhyun hanging and vice versa. If anything, Baekhyun would drop a date with you to save Chanyeol if he got into a reckless fight at a bar while drunk. Which he did once, or twice. But you couldn’t get mad. If you had a friend as special as Chanyeol, you would probably do the same as well. You’ve always envied their friendship because growing up, the closest you had to a best friend was your seatmate in AP Biology class back in high school. You both struggled together and pulled each other’s weight in assignments and projects but as soon as the school year was over, the only exchange you shared with your former partner were small smiles of acknowledgment in the hallway. Ever since then, you only had Baekhyun. He was the one thing stable in your life and his group of friends eventually became your group of friends.

A voice booms through the loud music of the bar, a deep resonating voice that would only belong to one person: Chanyeol. “My man came!” He yells, walking over with wide strides, his hand up in the air, ready to pull Baekhyun into a bro hug. Upon the arrival of his best man, Baekhyun pulls himself out of the bar stool next to yours, and tangles himself into Chanyeol’s arm, solid chest bumping against solid chest before they pull away with wide grins. “I’m so glad you came-“ Chanyeol begins, eyes quickly glancing over to you, a teasing glint in his orbs, “I thought you’d be too busy making love.”

That was the word. Love. To you, it felt like love. Everywhere he touches, no matter how many times he’s run his fingers over your skin, sets you on fire. But you weren’t too sure if you could actually call it love. It was no secret that Baekhyun has his heart guarded. He rarely tells you he loves you. Usually, the only time he does is in compromising situations. The first time he told you it was at a New Year’s Eve party, playing spin the bottle with twenty plus other bodies. The chances of the bottle landing on you was thin within the number of players, and when it landed on a cute girl across from him, he softly whispered into your ear those three words before going over to kiss her. And the second was when you were in tears at something he said. That night, you guys were at a dinner party with his family and he joked about you being a horrible cook. Which you could barely call a joke because you knew that you weren’t the best in the kitchen, if anything Baekhyun was better than you at making a meal. But you couldn’t do anything about it as you sat there bashful in your seat. Only when you two were returning home in his car did you bring up how uncomfortable you felt and he wasn’t taking you seriously. That night, upon arriving at his home, you both sat in the car fuming against one another. You were mad because he was treating your feelings like they didn’t exist and he was mad because you were being insecure. Not being able to be in each other’s presence any longer, you quickly open the car door only for him to take your hand in his, stopping you from leaving. And seeing your tear stained cheeks, he apologized and reassured that he loved you. He only said it because he thought he’d lose you.

Those were all red flags.

“You know I wouldn’t miss your birthday. Haven’t for the past 16 years.” Baekhyun reminds, rubbing his nape as he glances at you as well when he sees Chanyeol doing it. His hand blindly searches for yours and hooks his pinky onto your digit once he finds it while he talks with Chanyeol, both of the men standing while you sit down sipping on your martini. There wasn’t much room in their conversation for you to join in on so you stay silent on your end, which you had no problem doing. After all, they were just talking about how Chanyeol’s planning to find himself a long overdue girlfriend and how Baekhyun would have to save him in case he approaches the wrong cougar.

You pull a face at the word he used to describe a girl, but you don’t say anything to correct him. To them, it looked like you were making a face because you weren’t enjoying the drink, which wouldn’t be too far from the truth anyway. You’ve never had a tongue for alcohol even though your tolerance was rather great. You only found that out when you were trying to not be a Debby downer at their friend Kyungsoo’s hosted Christmas party and took every drink that was offered to you. Baekhyun doesn’t take alcohol well, so to everyone you had to drink on his behalf.

Eventually, Chanyeol detaches himself and instead joins the dance floor, searching for his targeted woman for the night. You just hoped that it’d last at least a year. The boy has been through too many girls than you’ve been through mental breakdowns and that’s a lot.

Baekhyun’s eyes linger on his friend’s leaving figure for a little longer than necessary before he sits back down. There’s a small sigh that could be heard from him and you wonder what was going on in his mind. Watching silently as he interlaces his hands on top of the counter, you suddenly have the urge to burst out in apologies for getting the tattoo without telling him. You don’t know why you do, but you do. Maybe it’s the fact that since a couple hours ago when he picked you up at your house, he hadn’t muttered a single word about it and it was killing you. Your conversations were civil. He complimented you and you both talked about your day. You have no clue if he’s still mad and the small wall of ignorance is suffocating.

Despite the intrusive need though, you don’t mutter a single word. To busy yourself, you pretend as if there’s a stain on the wine glass you’re sipping from and pay all your attention to it. Both of you can feel the small tension there is lingering in the air and you weren’t about to break it. You didn’t want to start another fight in the middle of a bar and especially at a friend’s birthday, and Baekhyun wasn’t bringing it up as well so you didn’t have a green sign to tread on that kind of territory.

You can feel his eyes on you but you weren’t going to confirm that. If you looked at him now, you’d be a stumbling mess because even after three years of dating, he still made you so nervous. Nervous in a good and bad way, like the kind where butterflies are in your stomach and you can’t help but wonder if he’s admiring you or noticing the pimple on your face. Were you getting shy? Maybe your cheeks were feeling a little hot but it could be because there’s so many people in one room. Suddenly, as if the heaven’s were telling you to cool down, you feel a coldness on the side of your face. Baekhyun had brought his hand up to caress your cheek with the back of his hand. It was shocking against your skin and you lean into his touch because it felt nice. Or maybe because it was like second nature to always want to be closer to him.

“Did it hurt?”

You whip your head to look at him, confusion all over your face at the simple question he just mumbled. His face was unreadable. There were no context clues to help you figure out what he was referring to but eventually, you rolled your eyes once you understood it.

“If you’re going to ask if it hurt falling from heaven, I crawled up from-“ you begin light heartedly.

He gives a small chuckle, “I meant your tattoo.”

Oh. That’s what he meant.

He’s staring at you with a soft gaze now and the invisible weight of the earlier tension is melting off your shoulders. He wanted to talk about it now and wow were you so ready even though a minute ago you were willing to just let the awkward atmosphere swallow you whole.

“You know, it hurt like a .” You suddenly say, which elicits another laugh from him at your poor choice of word. “And you weren’t there to hold me through it.” At this point, you were sporting a small pout even though he hated cutesy stuff.

“I’m sorry.” He only says.

However, you continue because like a soda can, once you blow then you blow, “I thought that since you’ve been through it before, I’d be able to get some pointers from you but I didn’t.”

“I’m sorry.” He says again.

“Also-“ at this point, Baekhyun knew you’ve forgiven him (if you were even mad at him in the first place) and knew that you were dragging it on only for the fun of it now. You move to sit on his lap and his arm automatically comes to secure you in your spot, “I was really hoping you’d show up but you never did.”

“I didn’t even know you were going to get a tattoo,” he defends with a smile, amused.

“I wanted us both to get a tattoo.”

“And I said no.”

You huff at his inability to play along with you, “But I still got a tattoo for you anyway.” Your hand resting on his shoulder comes to lazily mess with his hair at the back of his head, “And I’m not trying to sound entitled but you didn’t even tell me how y I looked with it.”

“You look y, baby.” He whispers huskily, lips coming forward to place a kiss on your chin since you were elevated a little too high for him due to his lap.

“You can’t even see it right now.”

“I know but when I did-“ he mutters quickly, tongue dashing out to your jaw and you gasp softly, “You looked so good with it, and on top of me.” He was whispering now so that no one else can hear, “I loved that every time you bounced up, your s did as well and I could see it. You did that all for me.”

“But then you got mad and ignored me.”

“I was upset that you didn’t tell me.” He was pulling away to get a clear view of your face and you were looking down to avoid his eyes. “I really meant it when I said I don’t want you to resent me every time you see it if things don’t work out.” Slowly, his long fingers come to take your chin and gently forces you to look at him.

Your hand playing with his hair stops and you playfully smack his neck, “Have a little more faith.”

Silently, he curses before leaning in to press a loving kiss straight on your lips, neck extending a little longer to reach yours, “I just can’t stand the thought of you hating me.”

“I will never.”

And it was times like these about Baekhyun that kept you going. He could be so distant, but he always came around. Baekhyun was understanding and he always had your best interest at heart. In your head, it made up for all the red flags flashing in your face. Everyone had flaws after all.

The night was only getting younger yet it felt like you and Baekhyun were parents chaperoning high school students at a homecoming dance. Throughout the party, you’ve enjoyed yourself a bit on the dance floor but majority of it was spent at the bar sipping cocktails and watching others have fun. Baekhyun had apple juice instead of alcohol. And when his friends of being light weight, he defended himself by saying he was the designated driver between the two of you. Who would you be to let your own boyfriend get chewed up in embarrassment? So you chimed in and confirmed it.

Now that it was only getting later into the night and your feet were already hurting from the very minuscule actions of walking and dancing, both of you were back to chaperoning the kids, in particular, the birthday boy.

“Do you think he found someone?” You mutter while staring straight at the tall man, his bleached hair not letting him go unnoticed for even a second.

Baekhyun butts in, shrugging his shoulders lazily, “He hasn’t sent me a text to help him out yet, so no.”

You’re leaning with one elbow on the counter, eyes focused solely on your boyfriend’s friend. “Is that usually how it goes?”

“Chanyeol doesn’t have the best luck when it comes to girls.” At this, Baekhyun is chuckling. He meant to say it coolly right before he sips on his drink, but ends up gurgling and making bubbles instead at the sad yet funny truth.

“Did you do that when we met?” You ask out of curiosity.

“What?” The drink in his hand is down on his lap while he glances over at you, “Send Chanyeol a text to ask for help?”

Only nodding, you stare attentively at him, wanting to know if his first impression of you was to take flight.

“The only text I sent him was asking if I smelled. I was so nervous, baby.” Baekhyun held his chest with his free hand as if his heart was pulsing and about to burst, and his very action made you smile and feel all warm inside knowing that you caused him to be like that. “And then his dumb said that I smelled like the boys locker room,” he huffs softly, rolling his eyes at the memory.

“Is that why you stood five feet away from me the whole entire time while asking for my number?” Giggling once you remember a younger Baekhyun looking all nervous while holding his phone tightly to his chest, listening closely to every number that slipped past your lips.

You both met in your last year of high school. Neither of you guys went to the same school, but your district was holding a college fair in your building and his school was invited. You still recall the first time seeing him, he didn’t see you at first. He had walked right past you to the booth for S.M University and immediately, you noticed how cute he looked.

“I didn’t want to risk it.” Was his simple answer.

You both continue to simultaneously keep your eyes on the said man while he talks with your other friends that tagged along on the dance floor. Baekhyun wasn’t joining them like he usually would, which you think is because he feels obligated to stay by your side considering the fact that he avoided you for days prior, and as selfish as it sounds, it makes you feel a small warmth from inside your stomach. But you also couldn’t help but feel guilty for being the reason he’s not having fun. Throughout the night, he has done nothing but stay glued to your hip. If you needed to use the restroom, he followed and stayed outside until you came out. You even took too long at one point and he walked into the women’s restroom to ask if you were okay.

After much staring on both your parts, you sigh out of boredom, “I hope he finds someone.”

“If he ever does, she’d be in for a ride because Yeol is a stubborn ,” he half jokes while placing his apple juice down onto the table. “He’d need to find someone half as stubborn to put up with him.”

“What a power couple.” You mumble, voice laced with sarcasm.

“They’d probably fight over the smallest thing,” he takes your drink from you and joins it with his, “like who gets the last chip or who’s the one to propose to the other.”

“Isn’t it the man’s job to do that?”

“Gender equality, baby.” He says good naturedly.

That had you thinking. It was something you both haven’t really talked about even after three years of dating. And you don’t know if you were unconsciously treating the word like it was taboo or if it just never found a way to flow into your conversations. But you wondered if Baekhyun ever thought about possibly and hopefully marrying you. You love him and the idea of you saying no was out the door. You were ready with every muscle inside of you to be his forever and bare every struggle in the future with him.

And if you didn’t do it now, you don’t know when there will ever be another time, so your mouth moved before you could even register it.

“How about us?”

“What?” Immediately, he coughs, choking on the room temperature air.

Chanyeol was long gone from both your visions because now, you were staring at each other. His eyes looked panicked and yours were nervous.

“I was just thinking..” you say quietly, shoulders shrugging. You’ve already gone as far as bringing it up, so you might as well speak your peace. “Wouldn’t it be cute to start a family of our own one day?”

“Where’s this-“ his brows furrow and he’s pulling away from you already, even though you both weren’t even exactly touching besides your thighs rubbing on each other from sitting too close together.

“It’s just a thought.” You shook your head quickly, hands coming up to stop him from completely pulling away but you don’t actually touch him in the end. “We’re not getting any younger and I want you to know that I’m dating you because I see a future with you,” your voice came out low and serious and it freaked him out even more.