i.

The first time it happened, Kun had just finished giving out the final scores for each group in the position evaluation and Keni went from B to D. It’s not like it was from the judges’ actual evaluation of their performance but rather a position dependent on their votes from the first stage. Keni doesn’t know which one was worse, she just knew that at that moment, she wasn’t seen. She wasn’t good enough.

“You’re sniffling too loudly, this is a public restroom.” Yu Yan doesn’t even try to say it politely as she closes the door and locks it behind her.

“Can you just be happy with your A and leave me alone please.”

“Zeng Keni.” She kind of regrets looking up at that exact moment only to be met with Yan in a dangerously close proximity, eyes boring into hers with an emotion Keni couldn’t quite describe.

“You already performed, The Eve was good and the rankings don’t matter at all. Just let them see you next time, bean pole.” A soft chuckle comes out of Keni from the insult Yan casually throws in with her weird ways of comforting people. Weird, but effective since Keni decides to stand up from where she was sitting. Rubbing her eyes and bending a bit to wash her face, she doesn’t notice Yan’s small smile and only sees a water bottle and a towel in her place, with a small click from the door closing when she leaves.

ii.

Three OACA girls get cut off from the top 60 and Keni isn’t sure she can handle any more of Aurora’s crying. They all huddle together, hugging and bawling as the other girls make Keni and Lingzi promise to continue working hard and fighting for them. As if anything otherwise was possible, they were all in it to reach their dreams and there’s an overwhelming feeling sitting in Keni’s stomach, making her excuse herself to rush out of the auditorium.

“You’re crying again.” A red-eyed Keni just shoots a glare at Yu Yan standing against the wall as the taller girl walks out of the auditorium and starts walking towards the nearest restroom. She was half expecting an empty hallway since everyone was inside filming a hundred girls get emotional but isn’t completely shocked to see Yu Yan outside. What surprises her a bit is the girl following her to the restroom and locking the door behind her like she did a week ago.

“Y’know you’re staying right? Now you have to be strong for those who aren’t.”

“I’m aware of that, thanks. It’s just overwhelming right now okay.” Keni doesn’t even know why she’s explaining but doesn’t stop there. “Why were you even out there?”

“Too many girls wailing inside. It was loud.” Keni scoffs at her, thinking that it just makes sense people are crying since over 40 girls got their hearts crushed tonight. Including— “You can just say you’re sad about Ziqian, you know.”

“I’m not.”

“Come on, she’s my friend too. But i know you two were closer than most, since our good ol’ days.” For some reason Keni smiles a little at her own words, as if revisiting a tiny happy memory from the back of her mind. And then in a teasing tone, “Wanna cry together?”

Yu Yan throws her some tissue and shoves something in her hand before turning to leave. “Just shut up and wash your face, ugly.”

Keni opens the nasty yogurt drink bottle in her hands to (thank god) find cold water from Yan inside, smiling a bit before she washes her face.

iii.

Cai Zhuoyi was struggling.

Keni can’t even comprehend what makes her heart sink and her eyes water at their 16th hour of practice that day and she knows Yu Yan’s right and that hiding Zhuoyi wouldn’t be right for her or for the performance but it was just so hard for the girl and Keni was so so helpless.

“What’s wrong Zeng Keni, we were laughing and being optimistic a while ago.” Keni rubs her eyes in worry and a little disbelief because Yu Yan is eating a ing corn cob and she’s here crying over their performance in less than a day. “I chose you to be my teammates, I just didn’t expect it’d be so hard. And I know it’s not my fault but I just feel so helpless.”

“Don’t worry, it’s a challenge for everyone.” Their leader assures her before adding, “We’ll just try our best.”

Zhuoyi speaks up in a soft but determined voice, “Don’t worry about me. I can do this!”

“We still have time, I can do it.” She adds in, more confident and reassuring this time.

“Man up and stop crying.” Keni chuckles a little at the redhead, with hands still covering her face. “Yu Yan your mouth is so annoying.”

“Are you trying to be cute right now?” She laughs for a second but she’s crying again, thoughts rushing back to Zhuoyi and Kun’s comments. “I just didn’t think it’d be this hard.”

“How about—”

“Why is it so hard?”

“I think we should just—” and with a little shake in her voice, “Why is it so hard?”

“Shut up!” Yu Yan actually gets her tears to stop falling as Keni groans while crouching down to grab her makeup kit. “Come on, stop crying.”

A lot is said about their choreo and Yu Yan keeps eating her corn but Keni stops crying and Zhuoyi hugs her tight, promising to do better and work harder. Keni can’t help but smile proudly later on when Yu Yan starts screaming at Zhuoyi that she can do it and the smaller girl responds in an equally determined squeal. She should trust her teammates and herself, they’ll eventually be victorious anyway. And they were, maybe winning was all Yu Yan knew.

iv.

There’s something particularly moving about the SNH48 performance that moves a lot of the girls to tears. Maybe it was because it’s the last performance of the night and they’d have to face reality again the next morning, or because everyone knew there’d be less of them in a few days. Whatever it was, it’s making Keni tear up now as she engulfs Sun Rui in a hug, the other girl semi struggling to sing stably.

Yu Yan pulls her back a little and sends a nod at Sun Rui who continues singing. “There’s nothing to cry about.”

Keni merely pouts at the redhead and spreads her arms a little. “I’ll stop if you hug me.”

Yu Yan furries her eyebrows for a few seconds and decides to pat her head instead, smiling a little before saying. “You look like an idiot.”

Keni just sticks her tongue out and moves to hug the other girls, now with a bright smile instead of teary eyes. Yu Yan sits back with Chengxuan who smiles sweetly and doesn’t stop herself from commenting “you like her! Why didn’t you let her hug you jiejie?”

“If you weren’t so cute I’d really hit you right now.” Yu Yan flashes her trapezoid smile at the now laughing Chengxuan before sticking her neck out a little to find a certain face with red-tinted eyes grinning back at her.

v.

It’s not like she didn’t expect this to happen. Sun Rui’s ranking was enough for her to know that 20 was the only thing she’d be banking on at this point. Her conversation with Zhou Zuo should have been enough to prepare her for better or for worse too, knowing full well how liberating yet suffocating that last spot was. And yet, the moment Kun calls out her name her lungs seem to weigh heavier than her entire body, haunting like a cave closing in on itself.

It takes all of her willpower to take two breaths and walk to the stage, let out a trembling speech of thank you’s and her love for stage, until her legs take her to the top 20 seats and Lingzi is hugging her while Sun Rui jokes. Keni’s heart absolutely breaks at the other trainees’ speeches and she doesn’t think she’ll stop crying but the director reminds them that they still have to do the last take and their photo as top 20 and only after that do they finally have time to cry.

“Zeng Keni, don’t cry don’t cry. You look really ugly crying.” Zhuoyi playfully reproaches her and it doesn’t work quite the same because Keni keeps crying and Zhuoyi just laughs, hugging her back like it’s the last time (it probably is). Yu Yan avoids her the whole time and the only reason Keni notices is because she’s been avoiding the redhead too and she doesn’t even know why.

During days like this, the staff turns off all the cameras in their dorm to give everyone time to cry or reflect or pack or whatever and Keni finds herself knocking at a certain door, opening the unlocked door only to stand awkwardly after she closes it.

“Hey. Uh Lingzi’s gonna spend time with the other three so I’m here.” Yu Yan only hums in response so Keni moves forward to stand in front of her. “You didn’t stop me from crying tonight.”

Yan seems to be taken aback for a second, Keni sees a flash in her eyes before she shrugs. “It wasn’t necessary.”

Keni doesn’t completely believe her, raising an eyebrow at the redhead, a nagging feeling that something was left out, something important.

“Better than crying because you got eliminated.” The taller girl’s gaze softens, their eyes meeting in an unspoken understanding of everything else that sentence met. She thinks for a moment if she ever needed to say it out loud, the-- I would’ve missed you too. Or that-- I’m glad I still have a shot and with a knowing look she knows she doesn’t have to. I just want to stay with you.

“You never say what you really mean.” Yu Yan merely shoots her a look and goes up her bed, scooting over for the other girl to follow and sit cross legged in front of her. “That’s exactly what I meant.”

Lie.

“I meant everything I said on stage too.”

“Yeah but that’s for everyone.” Keni pouts and Yu Yan rolls her eyes at the cute giant. “That includes you.”

“See this is exactly what I was talking ab—” The redhead doesn’t let her finish, grabbing Keni’s chin and leaning dangerously closer before saying, “You’re talented.” The taller girl almost jumps when Yu Yan kisses her forehead, softer than she’s ever known the girl been, and she relaxes into the touch.

“Gorgeous.” A feather kiss to her nose and then, “compassionate.” Another one by her jaw, and then,

“And I like you.” Keni closes her eyes shut and try to stop the huge smile emerging from her face to brace herself for what’s coming but then oh. Yu Yan’s lips softly land on the corner of Keni’s lips instead and the taller girl huffs when she pulls away but still has the biggest smile on her face, immensely warming up in giddiness.

“You should’ve said all that earlier.” The redhead knows she was just teasing but plays along anyway, “Yeah I forgot something in my speech.”

“yeah?”

“I was gonna say that even if you were #20 or not, you’d always be number two in my heart.”

“YAH! Just because I said you were number one.” Yu Yan smiles at her and pulls a weird face that makes the other laugh too much. “Your words, not mine. And twice now.”

Keni pouts at her again, the 27-year-old seems to be twenty years younger in her mind “Can’t I be number one for you too?”

“No. I take it back. You’re not number two or number one.” Keni’s eyebrows knot in confusion and her nose scrunches before Yu Yan quickly kisses it and says, “You’re the only one.”

The vocalist is immediately tackled and engulfed in a bone crushing hug by a half-screaming, half-giggling Zeng Keni. The tall girl is ridiculously strong and way bigger than Yu Yan, who gives up struggling under the other girl’s hug and relaxes into the embrace. After a few minutes of giggling, wide smiles, and insults from the redhead, the big baby finally lets go and the two girls stay in a quiet, comfortable, happy serenity, hands intertwined just as their hearts have.

Keni breaks the silence just as Yu Yan seems to be fluttering away to sleep. “Why are you always rude when I’m crying anyway?”

“At least it works.” Yu Yan has a hunch the other girl is fully aware of exactly why and just wants to hear it, but she gives in anyway. “When I saw your heart crush into a million pieces a few years ago, I didn’t ever want to hear or see or feel that again.”

Keni stares at her for what feels like an hour, thinking maybe she could do this for an eternity when the redhead fidgets, “It’s a bit selfish, I know.”

“No!” Keni raises her head to look at the other girl directly in the eyes, moving impossibly closer and gives her a soft smile. It’s her turn now. “You’re selfless, the most selfless person I’ve ever known.”

She places a soft kiss on Yan’s left cheek before continuing, “Talented but with the perfect hard work that intensifies what you were already born with.”

Keni pulls away for a split second to take it all in, her heart running a mile a minute and her lungs barely keeping up, but she finishes it magically still.

“You’re so beautiful, and I don’t know if I deserve to, but I like you too.” She leans down and gets it right this time, deciding to be the brave one for both of them. Keni feels a singular big tear fall down from Yan’s left eye and decides to teaser her about it another time, closing her eyes to meet the other girl’s lips. The kiss lasts five seconds before they smile into it, the same short time Keni was staring for, but felt like something she could do for a lifetime.

She could probably do anything and everything in this lifetime anyway, as long as it was with Yu Yan.