Why do you love her? That's a good question.

When did you start loving her? That's also another good question.

If it was from an outsider's perspective, one would call you stupid, blind, and corrupted with feelings. But what can you say? You've always been one to choose your heart over your head...when it comes to Kim Chaewon of course.

You don't know exactly when you started loving her. How can one really tell when they love someone? It's not like you could pinpoint an exact moment when you fell in love with the cheerleader. Or maybe you do...you don't know. You know one thing for sure though, it's that love is confusing. When it came to Chaewon, it wasn't all butterflies and fluttering feelings. You were also hurt. 

When she left you...abandoned you...you wanted to hate her. You wanted to despise her and create an image of her that you should completely loathe and detest. It wasn't like you didn't try. You tried, a lot. 

The truth is, you wanted this robotics championship competition to be a chance to show her that you're better off with her. That you've got new friends and you forgot about her. That you erased her from your memories and the past eleven years were just memories waiting to be forgotten. Of course you still wanted to raise money...but you wanted to show Chaewon how her hurtful words motivated you to become someone better. How you didn't dwell over it for a long period of time, instead using it to fuel your anger. 

How can you be angry at her?

How can you possibly be angry when she was hugging you and snuggled in your neck. You think you can feel her nuzzling on your neck and you're completely smitten. You couldn't help it, she was like acting like a baby cub and it was absolutely adorable. 

You don't know how long the two of you have stayed like this, but you don't mind. To be honest, you don't even know when was the last time someone gave you a hug, and you're kind of glad that Chaewon became your first for a while.

You were always touchy with her...before the thing happened...After that, you started pushing away people's physical affection. You always found a way to slip away when Yuri tries to cuddle with you. You never wanted to get attached to anyone after Chaewon abandoned you, so you tried to stray away from all the touchiness. Your teammates noticed your change, but never questioned you about it. Then again, you never had a full discussion with them about Chaewon since they all dislike her, but that conversation should probably happen soon.

Your friends know how she hurt you. How she made you cry and broke your heart, but they don't know what she made you feel before all that happened. They didn't know the Chaewon that was your best friend. The Chaewon that was intrigued in whatever you had to ramble about when others were making fun of you. The Chaewon that would take you to the planetarium and the amusement park during your birthday. The Chaewon that would hold your hand at the haunted house and stick by your side. The Chaewon that would have late night conversations with you. 

They didn't know how Chaewon was there while you were struggling with your uality. You remember being afraid of telling her, but when you did, she didn't judge you. She didn't ignore your emotions and shoved a bible in your face like your dad did. She told you it would be okay, and it was nothing to be ashamed of. You think that's probably when you were sure you were in love with her. Even when you were still texting her about it, she would make sure to tell you it's okay and you're still the minjoo that cried in the planeterium because of how beautiful it was.

This Chaewon that was in your arms...well to be honest, you didn't know which Chaewon this was. You haven't had any conversations with Chaewon since the incident during your first year in high school two years ago. You didn't know how she was doing with cheerleading, or how she was handling the stress of cheer captain. You didn't know how her relationship with Choi Soobin was, which still irks you. 

You feel her head slowly come off your shoulder and you look up at her. Her eyes were still puffy and a little red from her crying session in your arms, but you're glad you were able to calm her down. 

"So uh...how have you been?"

Ah. You remember this side of Chaewon. She usually asked questions about you completely unrelated to the situation when she didn't want to talk about her feelings. Guess she still carried that trait to this day.

"Well um...pretty good I guess? I mean other than you calling me a freak and ditching our friendship..." You jokingly say.

She deeply frowns at this. You see her look down at her lap in shame and you quickly realize you may have taken your joke a little bit too far,

"I-I was just joking-"

"No...Minju, I hurt you. You didn't deserve any of that. I-I didn't know what came out of my mouth. Gayoung got into my head and I just...god I treated you like Minju. Like you were something to be disposed of. Nothing excuses my actions. I treated you horribly for the past two years...when you've done nothing but treat me so well. You deserve better. No amount of apologies can make up for what I did to you..."

You silently take in everything she says. You listen, like you always did with her. 

"Chaewon...I..."

"No, no. You really don't deserve me. Because even now...I'm too afraid. I'm still a coward. I'm scared of what they'll say. I'm terrified of every look...every word that comes out of their mouth."

"Oh..."

You don't know what to say. So does that mean you can't go back to being best friends with her? Can you not go back to how things used to be between the two of you?

"But...I'll try. For you. You meant a lot to me Minju, and you still do. I'll try my best for you. I can promise you that."

She holds out her pinky like before. You snort at her action, earning you a cute frown from the smaller girl. She still remembered your pinky promises. You interlock your pinky with hers and the both of you stay like that for a few seconds, just smiling at each other and reminiscing for a bit.

"So uh...other than the whole incident, how have you been these past two years?" 

Chaewon shyly asks you, embarrassment evident with her red ears. 

"Well, I'm team captain of the robotics team now. All of our members actually get along really well. Um, classes have been the same, nothing special. The team also helps each other a lot with anything, and it's become like a big family of some sorts. I'm really grateful to have them in my life...We also have the South Korea National Championships coming up soon, so yeah we've been preparing for that."

Your heart wants to ask her if she wants to attend just to watch you. Deep down, you know she'd say no, probably because she's Kim Chaewon, and she did not want to be seen at a robotics competition out of all places. But you want your Kim Chaewon to come and watch you like she always did to support you.

You also don't tell her about the fact that you originally wanted to crush the other teams because of your desire to rub it in her face, but that's not very important. You also don't tell her about the unfairness of the school's club budgeting system because it highly benefits the cheerleaders. You knew she would defend them...well this Chaewon would. You still don't know if you have your Chaewon back yet.

"Ah...that's good. It looks like you guys have been working hard."

She looks around the room and notices the robot lying on the field mat, and you take pride in your team's hardwork. So many months of dedication and work throughout the school year, and so many tournaments to get past through, just for this final championship competition. You have hope so you don't worry.

"Yeah...anyways how have you been?"

"The same I guess...I took Gayoung's position as cheer captain after she graduated. And...I hope you know not all the cheerleaders are that bad. Chaeyeon, Hitomi, Nako, and Wonyoung actually don't despise you guys. Actually...I think Wonyoung might have a thing with your first year member Yujin..."

Your eyes widen at this. Yujin was secretly flirting with a cheerleader without telling the team? Huh, not a couple you'd expect. To be fair, you guys did trash talk the cheerleaders a lot while the first year just silently watched during these topics, so it makes sense that she didn't announce it to the group. Hmm, guess you'll have this talk with her later.

"Um...that's about it. Parents are finally proud of me, that's something good I guess. Also in a relationship with Soobin."

You don't understand why she's still with him. He's a jerk and you don't know how she won't break it off with them. You just don't get it!

"He's also taking me to the prom this year...I think it'll be quite-"

You can't take it anymore. Your emotions and feelings for her were getting to you. You knew she didn't want to talk about the incident in the cafeteria but you seriously couldn't stand it. You can't just ignore the fact that he physically hurt Chaewon, and that was something she couldn't just take. So you stand up and finally let it all out.

"Look I'm sorry Chaewon, but why are you still with him? He HIT you! He put his hands on you and I...I can't just stand here pretending like nothing happened!"

You're furious. You felt all your built up emotions getting to the best of you and you knew you needed to calm down before some other secrets were let out that she wasn't supposed to know.

"Minju I-"

No! I..I-I just can't take it! You never even told me you were dating him when we were friends! He was even the one who bullied me back when we were kids! He..that ing dickhead...He put his hands on you. That's not something I can simply let go, and you know that."

"Please, Minju. Look...I love him okay? Please just stop...it's okay as long as-"

"Chaewon I'm right here! I've been here all along! Why can't you just see that?"

Oops. Yeah, your emotions were definitely getting the best of you. You should not have said that. That was not something that you were ready to tell her. Hell, you weren't even planning on telling her that ever, but you just couldn't help it in this situation.

"What...? Minju what are you talking about?" Chaewon stands up to be eye level with you, and she looks completely serious now, with her eyebrows furrowed.

Ah screw it. You already said too much anyway, you couldn't really think of a way to play it off at this time. You were never the one to think of a lie in dire situations when your emotions got to the best of you. You usually spat everything out...and you mean everything.

"Oh for God's sake. I love you Kim Chaewon! I'm in love with you. I-I don't know when it started but...I couldn't help it. You made me feel safe, and you just...ugh!"

You sit back down on the couch and ruffle your hair out of frustration. It's unbelievable how you just confessed all your feelings to the girl just because of that stupid Choi Soobin. You let out a sigh and look up at the other girl, waiting for her response. She doesn't say anything for a while though. You figured, you did just drop something big that she probably wasn't expecting anyway.

"I...I'm sorry."

Well, ouch. You expected that, but you couldn't help but be hurt and disappointed. How could she ever like you back? You knew it was stupid to even think the other girl would share your feelings because it's impossble. She was so obviously straight but you ignored it and still had to fall in love. God how you were so stupid to even be jealous and upset.

"I'm sorry Minju...I seem to always be hurting you."

She walks away. You hear the door shut and you don't go after her this time. You'd rather just sit there and cry to your heart's content. Why was she always hurting you? Why does it still hurt when you know she would never love you back in the first place. You didn't expect anything...but it still hurts. A lot.

You stay like that for a while, unmoving. Your heart feels like it's been crushed into pieces. You don't understand what it is that Choi Soobin had that you didn't. You knew she didn't love him though. You could see it in her eyes...her actions. She may have changed for others, but you could still read her clearly like you used to before. She didn't want to be in a relationship with him...so why was she still stuck there? Why couldn't she just tell you instead of lying?

Lies. Lies. Lies.

It's always been lies with her. You don't understand why she's always lying. You thought you could patch things up but you were so clearly wrong. Why did she have to lie to you?

You knew you would've been there to help her through it. To be there and comfort her when times were rough, because that's what you always did. You didn't care if you were just a friend to her...but you just wanted her to open up to you. You just wanted her back

You want your best friend back so much.

And it hurts. A lot. Yearning for something that's long gone. Someone who shaped you into the person you are today. Someone who was there for you for many years...and now what? It seems as if those memories were for nothing. You couldn't fix your friendship if she didn't tell you what was going on.

You continue to sit on the couch for a while. You don't know how much time has passed but you don't care. She left you again. Why do you even care at this point. Nothing will ever go right.

You hug the pillow on your lap until you hear the door open...no it wasn't Chaewon.

"Wooseok...?"

"Hey, um...figured you'd be in here. Teacher is looking for you...you've been gone for quite a while." He sits next to you on the couch, but putting some distance as he sees you're not exactly in a good mood.

"Oh...ok I'll be there in a bit."

"Are you okay Minju?"

Are you okay? Did it look like you were okay? Your face probably looked gross right now but you could care less. You just want the pain to go away.

"No...not really. I took Chaewon here. She told me she still loves stupid Choi Soobin. I mean, can you believe that? They're even going to prom together...even after what he did to her."

He's shocked at the fact that Chaewon was brought in the room. You knew he wasn't very fond of her after what she did to you two years ago, but he knew ranting about her bad personality wasn't going to help you right now.

"Well...why don't we go? Like...together?"

Huh? Was he asking you out right now? You're not sure if this was necessarily the ideal situation to ask a girl out for prom...

"I mean, you'll be there with us. The whole team. We already know Yena is trying to find a way to ask Yuri, who would definitely say yes and is just waiting. Hyewon and Sakura are going together. Junho and Yohan are going together too. Also...I'm pretty sure Yujin is trying to ask that one other first year cheerleader to go with her. We'll be there. You'll have you friends with you. Also...it'll be your first dance. New experiences too?"

The other Kim did have a point. But Chaewon would be there...maybe this would be your way of finally showing her that you can let go? That you can move on. That you can forget about her. You're glad you have your friends to back you up...you have no idea what you would be doing without the team.

Besides, prom was after the Championships anyway. You figured if you win you could attend the dance with your friends to celebrate, and if you lose...well at least you'll still have fun at prom with the others. Either way, it seems like a win win situation, and you wanted to have some fun too in your life.

"Screw it, why not?"

Wooseok immediately smiles and jumps around, pinching your cheeks, much to your dissaproval. You push his hands away, but you're glad he can make you smile at times like these. You were really lucky to have your friends.

"Thanks Wooseok...you're a really good friend."

"Right...friend." He murmured, making sure you wouldn't hear it.

"Did you say something?"

"Ah...nothing, Min." He smiles at pretends as if nothing was said.

You need to move on from Chaewon. You need to stop chasing after something that you will never get. You make the decision to let go, or at least try to for the matter. 

But deep down inside...you still want your best friend back.