Five years.

It was five years ago when we met each other. I remember that day vividly. You were wearing a fit sleeveless shirt and shorts, right out of bed I presumed.  My classmates and I came from our morning class, and one of my classmates introduced you to us. We had brunch together. That was our first meeting.

It was just an ordinary day, but I couldn’t seem to get you out of my head. How could I forget it when you said to me that I look cute? I was obviously flustered, my friends even noticed it. But hours after that, you were still bothering my thoughts. I let it be. It would fade, I guess.

It didn’t.

Days later, I was still thinking of you. Choi Jisu. Or Lia, as you preferred it. I admit, I would check your social media accounts to see how you were doing. I didn’t have the courage to chat you, let alone talk to you. I preferred admiring you from afar. But the heavens seemed to play a joke on me.

On a freaking large pool party where hundreds of students attended, I saw you again. Tipsy, as I was. Suddenly, alcohol surged on my body and gave me confidence to approach you. The alcohol lost its power midway through; I didn’t exactly talk when I approach you. It was more of just feeling the beat with you. We were right by the pool; our feet dipped in the cold water. You were happily watching the c crowd go wild. I was happily watching you make my heart go wild.

“You look cute too.”

I mindlessly blurted out, the alcohol kicking in again after another bottle of beer. You looked confused with what I said until a smile formed on your face. You remembered.

“Took you long enough to react to my first impression of you and long enough to talk to me tonight."

And just like that, we spent our night talking under the glory of the moon, soaking in the pool water. After a while, we moved to a more secure and private spot. We talked and drank until you succumbed to sleep. I was blessed to be able to look at an angel fall asleep. I didn’t know where I got it but I wrapped a towel around you as you looked cold. Suddenly, I felt jealousy over an inanimate thing; I badly wanted to be that towel. I also wanted to wrap my arms around you and protect you from the cold. But I could only do so in my mind.

I didn’t know how it happened but we started chatting with each other. You sure were a slow responder, and you always left me on read. But on occasions where we had a full conversation, you were always filled with stories that made me smile and laugh. You never failed to amaze me.

Two years.

What I thought to be a dumb crush turned out to be a full-on, die hard crushing on you. I didn’t even know how you managed to make me feel things when we never talked again in person, and we seldom chat with each other over the years. Sometimes, I would see you on the campus but I never had the courage to approach you. I started to think that maybe I need to bring a beer with me at all times in case I saw you.

I tried many times to forget you. I had crushes on almost every subject I had. We were freshmen then and after two years, I probably had crushes on 24 people. But damn, not one of them could compare to you. What was it exactly about you?

Perhaps it was because of your smile that radiates like the sun. Or your eyes that speak a thousand unsaid words. No, it was definitely the way you talk that makes me feel like you hold absolute wisdom over anything. Or god maybe it was your touch, you held my hand only once and it made me feel warm in an instant. How I wish to hold you again. But what was I thinking? Everything about you made me fall. Harder.

And I could not hold it any longer. They said that if you try to constrict the flow of water from a hose, the pressure will build up and it may burst in a snap. Well, I was close to bursting in a snap. The frustration from admiring you from afar made alcohol my companion. There were times where I would drink till the next morning. My friends even berated me for it, telling me to stop losing myself. Indeed, I had lost myself.

One night, as I was reviewing for an exam I had to take in the morning, you replied to my message, which I sent four days ago. And just like that, I spent the night talking to you instead, math totally forgotten. You told me how you were having a hard time with your subjects; I tried my best to console you.  I was happy again, of course because we were talking. But the pressure was slowly suffocating me, I needed to let it go or else it would blow right in my face. You felt that something was bothering me and asked me about it. You were bothering me, my head, my heart, my peace of mind. This was it. I needed to tell you.

And I did.

I told you I like you, but also said that let’s just forget it. You replied. You thanked me for being honest, you appreciate my honesty. And you agreed that we should just forget about it. Yeah right.

On an impulse, I went out of my dorm and walked to wherever my feet take me. I saw someone selling cigarettes and I bought one. No, three. I went back and smoked outside my dorm. This was the second time I had tried smoking. The first one was out of a dare. The second one was because of you.

I mentioned that I was smoking and you got angry right away. I promised that I would stop. You said you would only reply to me if I actually stopped smoking. I broke my promise.

Days passed probably. Or weeks. I lost count. I lost myself too. I was too drunk to find myself. And I was drunk enough to chat you again.

“Why are you chatting with me? Have you stopped smoking?”

No. I did not stop smoking. But I missed you. I just apologized and we stopped chatting again. For months.

Until I heard you had a boyfriend. That was the last of it I guess. I distanced myself from you. I stopped chatting with you. Even though, a part of me still wanted to.

After a year, I received a text from you. That was something new. You asked me how I was I doing and the usual small talk. I learned that you and your boyfriend broke up. That was why you were talking to me, huh. But we went back to normal – no telling of emotions and – like we used to. It was all fun until you dropped the real reason why you broke up. It was because of me.

A lot of questions ran through my mind that time. What did you mean me? Were you implying that after all this time, you had feelings for me? You, Choi Lia, had feelings for me, Shin Ryujin. To say I was shocked was an understatement. After all this time, we had the same mutual understanding. When? Why? What? How? These questions kept running through my mind, but I asked nothing. It had to end. You might ask why I asked nothing but to keep us the way we were? First of all, I never expected things to turn out this way. Secondly, I already had a girlfriend.

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Five years.

We met five years ago, and had gone different ways now. I am still happily in love with my girlfriend. But somehow, there is always a part of me that wonders what if we happened. I wonder how you are today? I hope you are happy with your life. I hope someone you find your happiness, as I did.

But I wish not to see you again. I wish not to open the wounds of the past. I wish it be buried in our hearts forever. I wish not to see you again in this lifetime.

Maybe in another lifetime.