Ryujin’s lips were moving.

Her lips were moving and Lia knew she should’ve been paying attention to what her girlfriend was saying, but her brain just wasn’t working.

Because they were sitting on a bench in the park, their fingers laced together, and the sun was hitting Ryujin’s face just perfectly, making her dimples seem even deeper somehow, her smile even more radiant. Her other hand was flying all around as she kept talking enthusiastically. And even though her brain wasn’t working and she wasn’t listening, she knew Ryujin was talking about something that she was passionate about because her eyes just had that glint, that little sparkle of light in them, that Lia knew wasn’t the sun, it was as if Ryujin’s happiness, her zeal, was shining in her eyes.

And Lia wasn’t listening because she was just gone.

She’d known she was in love with Ryujin for a fairly long time now, well at least since New Year’s.

And it’d been three weeks.

Three weeks of choking on those three simple words.

Because you’re pretty damn special to me didn’t cover what she felt for her anymore.

And she’d gotten good at keeping herself from just blurting it out. Well, if you count busying with other things as being good at keeping herself from saying what she’d been dying to say, then she’d gotten good at it.

But this was the first time that her brain stopped working.

She’d had trouble speaking, or taking her eyes off of her girl, or picking her jaw up from the floor and even breathing a few times.

But never this.

This mind numbing realization of how amazing, and smart, and kind, and tough, and gorgeous Ryujin was. The realization of how incredibly lucky she felt to have her in her life, how happy Ryujin made her and when all of that mixed with the warmth that exploded in her chest whenever Ryujin smiled even wider, squeezed her hand tighter or bumped into her shoulder...

She knew she was a goner.

And honestly, she was so thankful for the fact that her brain wasn’t working, because if it was she knew she wouldn’t be able to stop herself this time.

Not when Ryujin had that smile on her face, the glint in her eyes as she kept talking. Not when she had her fingers laced with Lia’s, her thumb absent minded circles into Lia’s hand. And most certainly not when she looked at Lia and her eyes just seemed to soften somehow, making Lia almost sure that what she felt wasn’t just one sided.

“Lia,” she was pulled out of her musings by Ryujin’s hand waving in front of her eyes.

“Yes?”

Ryujin squinted her eyes, tilting her head slightly. “You didn’t listen to anything I just said, did you?”

Lia opened and closed a few times, trying to protest, to tell Ryujin that of course, she was listening, not wanting to make Ryujin feel like one of those people. The people who made her feel like she didn’t matter, like anything she said wasn’t important. Because all she wanted to do in life was to protect her from people like that, to make sure no one ever made her feel like she was something less.

But she also couldn’t lie to her so she just shook her head no, an apologetic grin on her face. “I’m sorry, Ryujin.”

“It’s, uh, don’t worry about it,” she said, squeezing Lia’s hand tighter. “Something bothering you?”

“What?” Lia frowned.

“Well you were completely zoned out and, babe, the crinkle,” she tapped her finger between Lia’s eyes, a soft smile on her face and Lia was just so wildly in love.

Lia ducked her head, chuckling. She took a deep breath before she looked back up at Ryujin. “I just… got distracted.”

“Distracted?”                                                                                                                                                                           

“Yep.”

“By what?”

“Your face.”

“What?”

“You’re just,” she sighed, ducking her head shyly as a soft smile made its way on her lips, “so beautiful.”

Ryujin scoffed, shaking her head but Lia could see the light blush that crept up her cheeks when she looked up at her. “That’s gay.”

“You’re gay.”

Ryujin huffed out a laugh, shaking her head. Lia leaned in, giving Ryujin a soft, lingering kiss. She let go of her hand, looping her arm around Ryujin’s shoulders, pulling her closer.

After that Lia asked her to repeat what Ryujin talked about while she was completely zoned out, Lia making sure to listen to every single detail. Falling even deeper as she listened to Ryujin’s excited voice, holding her close as Ryujin played with their tangled fingers.

After half an hour of talking, and being that obnoxiously cute couple on the bench, Ryujin stood up, pulling Lia with her. “I want some ice cream,” she said when she noticed Lia’s confused frown.

So they walked, hand in hand, their arms swinging between them, to the ice cream stand. Lia looked at her girlfriend every few steps, her heart feeling so full she thought it might burst out of her chest at the sight of Ryujin’s happy dimpled smile.

They were just a couple of feet away from the stand, Lia giggling as Ryujin called her a nerd, shoving her shoulder affectionately when Lia felt like there would be no better time to tell Ryujin than now. Why wait when her heart felt like exploding every time Ryujin so much as smiled?

She took a deep breath, steeling her nerves, getting ready to stop and face Ryujin, when suddenly she realized Ryujin didn’t grab her hand after she had shoved her and she wasn’t walking beside her anymore.

Lia spun around quickly, finding Ryujin standing frozen, a blank expression on her face as her jaw clenched and unclenched, her knuckles white from how hard she was digging into her palms.

“Babe?” she frowned, walking the few steps back and standing in front of her girlfriend, but not touching her. “Ryujin? Are you okay?”

Ryujin didn’t say anything, just stood there, blinking her eyes, not looking at Lia. It was almost as if she was looking over her shoulder, at someone behind her. Lia turned around, looking over the small crowd of people that were around the ice cream stand. And then she noticed her.

Well, she wouldn’t have known it was her if she hadn’t yelled Ryujin is that you?. But once she did, Lia knew exactly who it was.

Ryujin had been more open ever since New Year’s, sometimes she still had a hard time opening up but Lia could see how hard she was trying. She talked about her life before, a lot more. And even though she never showed Lia any pictures, and Lia was almost sure it was because she didn’t have any, not because she didn’t want to show her, she was sure it was her.

Dahyun was strutting over to them as if the last time she saw Ryujin wasn’t just hours before she outed her to the whole damn town almost seven years ago, ruining Ryujin’s life. She looked just how Lia pictured her, long blonde hair falling over her shoulders, a perfectly fake smile plastered on her face, skirt falling below her knees and a golden cross resting on top of her white blouse so everyone could see. The perfect Christian girl.

Lia stepped beside Ryujin, straightening her back and clenching her fists, she took a deep breath to calm herself so she wouldn’t punch Dahyun square in the face. Because as much as she wanted to, she knew Ryujin wouldn’t appreciate it.

“It is you!” she squealed when she stopped in front of Ryujin, pulling her into a hug, which made Lia’s blood boil and Ryujin’s body go even stiffer. “It’s been so long! What are you doing here?”

“School,” Lia turned to look at Ryujin when she heard how hollow her voice sounded. Ryujin cleared , taking a deep breath. “I, uh, I study at Seoul University. What… are you doing here?”

“Oh, Liam and I moved here cause he got a really good job, like a month after we got married,” she put her left hand up, showing her finger off with an excited squeal. “You remember Liam right?”

Lia could see Ryujin’s face go pale and her stomach dropped because it had to be that Liam.

Liam, the who put Ryujin through hell. The guy who supposedly couldn’t go a day without reminding Ryujin what an abomination she was, how disgusting she was and how he would beat the living crap out of her if she so much as looked at any girl at the school. And he did, beat the living crap out of her a couple of times.

And Lia knew Ryujin could handle herself and she didn’t want to interfere but the panicked look on Ryujin’s face and the way she had wrapped her arms around herself as if she was trying to shield herself from Dahyun, broke Lia’s heart.

She couldn’t just stand there and watch as Ryujin was forced to relive all the bad memories. She wasn’t alone, not anymore. “Hey, I’m Lia,” she said, plastering the biggest, brightest, fakest smile on her face as she shook Dahyun’s hand, her grip maybe a bit too tight, but she gave herself a mental pat on the back when she saw     Dahyun wince.

“Anyways, what are you studying Ryujin?” Dahyun turned her attention back to Ryujin.

“Criminology and sociology,” Ryujin replied, sounding a bit more like herself as if Lia making her presence known gave her that little bit of confidence she needed to talk.

“Criminology?”

“Yeah, I wanna be a cop.”

Glancing over at her girl when she heard the confidence in her voice, Lia saw a faint smile on her lips, her back straighter, and her heart warmed at the sight. She loved how passionate Ryujin was about becoming a police officer.

“Oh,” Dahyun breathed, Lia’s eyes flitting back to her as she clenched her fists. Readying herself for whatever the woman was about to say she took a small step forward, trying to put some distance between Dahyun and her girlfriend. “So you chose a man’s job after all…”

Lia wondered briefly, about how much the woman loved God because she was sure as hell going to meet him by the end of this conversation.

She felt Ryujin’s fingers brush against her fist and she opened it up, letting Ryujin grab her hand. “I, uh...“

“Here you go,” Ryujin was cut off by a woman who would look pretty much like Dahyun if it wasn’t for the brown hair and dark eyes. And also if she wasn’t pregnant.

“Thanks,” Dahyun smiled as she took the ice cream the other woman was handing her. “Ryujin this is my best friend, Nataly.”

Ryujin didn’t let go of Lia’s hand to shake Nataly’s, her grip only tightening. “Nataly,” she nodded her head, not even bothering to smile.

“So, Ryujin, are you seeing anyone?” Dahyun asked.

Ryujin nodded her head silently, as she squeezed Lia’s hand even tighter.

“And doesn’t he mind your career choices?”

Lia could feel how Ryujin started shaking and she wondered if the woman had prayed enough Hail Maries in her life to get to meet her when Lia is done with her.

Knowing Ryujin wouldn’t be able to reply, Lia put on her fakest, I-totally-wanna-kill-you-and-I’m-not-gonna-do-it-while-you’re-asleep-because-I-wanna-see-the-fear-in-your-eyes smile. “Why would I mind?”

Both, Dahyun’s and Nataly’s faces scrunched up in disgust. “I see you haven’t changed much…”

Lia clenched her jaw as she stepped more in front of Ryujin, shielding her body almost completely. She didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that someone would be so hateful to her Ryujin. Kind, selfless, smart, funny Ryujin.

But her look must’ve been enough because the other woman, Nataly, was suddenly reminding Dahyun that they had to go because the boys would be done painting the baby’s room soon and they sure would be hungry. So they both bid their goodbyes, the same fake smiles plastered on their faces.

Lia watched them leave, turning her attention to Ryujin when they disappeared. “Baby..“

“Take me back to the dorms?” she asked, her voice small as she clutched on Lia’s hand for dear life, shaking, her eyes not meeting Lia’s.

“Of course,” she nodded, her heart breaking at the sight.

~ ~ ~

After they got back, Lia walked Ryujin to her room. She knew Ryujin maybe wouldn’t want to talk about what happened right away, but she didn’t expect her to look at her and ask her to leave, to tell her that she needed to be alone.

And as much as it hurt her to leave Ryujin alone when she looked like she was being ripped apart from the inside, barely holding herself together, she just nodded. She wanted nothing more than to wrap her in her arms and never let go but instead, she just squeezed her hand slightly before walking away.

She could feel Ryujin’s eyes on her back as she walked down the hallway and for a second she thought that her girlfriend might actually change her mind but then she rounded the corner and heard Ryujin’s door shut.

She didn’t knock as she entered her and Lisa’s room, thanking whatever deity there was that her roommate and her sister were just watching a movie. She mumbled a hi before flopping face first into her bed, burying her face in her pillow as she hugged it tightly.

Lia could hear that Lisa and Rosie had paused whatever movie they were watching, she could almost hear the look she knew the two exchanged before she heard soft footsteps and her mattress dipped a little as Rosie sat down next to her.

“Lia?” came Rosie’s tentative voice as she placed a hand on her sister’s back.

“Yeah?” Lia said, not even bothering to lift her head from the pillow.

“What’s wrong?”

Lia sighed, turning her head so she could look at her sister, contemplating what to tell her. Rosie didn’t know about Ryujin’s past, no one did, except for her, so she couldn’t tell her. Even though she knew talking to her sister always helped, she couldn’t.

“It’s nothing, Rosie,” she said, trying to put a reassuring smile on her face but judging by Rosie’s expression failing.

“Weren’t you supposed to be out with Ryujin?”

Ryujin.

Her jaw clenched at the mention of her girlfriend as she tried not to think about how she was probably crying her heart out in her room, all alone.

“Yeah,” Lia nodded, hearing the sadness in her voice.

Rosie’s eyes went wide, the hand that was tracing soothing circles across Lia’s back freezing. “Wait, did you guys… uh, I mean, you didn’t…”

“Did you guys break up?” Lisa asked when she heard her girlfriend struggling with getting the words out.

“Oh god no,” Lia shook her head, sitting up.

“Then what is it?” Rosie asked softly.

“She just wanted to be alone for a bit…”

Rosie seemed to consider her sister’s reply for a bit but decided to let it go, nodding her head. “Wanna watch a movie with us?”

Lia glanced at Lisa’s bed, where her sister’s girlfriend was already sitting with her back against the wall, a pillow behind her back and two other ready for the sisters, holding the blanket up so they could join her.

“Come on,” Lisa smiled warmly and Lia made a mental note to tell her later when Rosie would go back to her room, how happy she was that Lisa was dating her sister.

Rosie flopped on the bed next to her girlfriend, Lia from her other side. She took both of their hands into hers and cuddled into Lisa’s shoulder, pulling Lia closer to her so she would lean against her.

She tried to focus on the romcom of the day that Rosie had chosen, but found her mind drifting to Ryujin, hoping Yeji was back in the room and that she wasn’t alone, telling herself that she would see her tomorrow at lunch and make sure that she was okay.

~ ~ ~

Ryujin didn’t come to lunch.

There weren’t many days in the week when they could eat lunch together but today was one of those very few days and Ryujin didn’t show up. She had texted her that she wasn’t feeling well and that she would skip lunch and Lia was seriously worried.

She was worried and she told her but Ryujin insisted that she was okay and promised her that she would come to Lia’s room tonight, after the gym, ignoring Lia’s text about how she shouldn’t go if she wasn’t feeling well.

And now it was almost 9 pm and she was starting to get nervous because Ryujin was always punctual and she always got back from the gym around 8 pm, but she wasn’t here and she wasn’t answering Lia’s texts and she wasn’t picking up her phone and if it wasn’t for Lisa keeping her company Lia was sure she would go crazy.

It was just a couple of minutes past nine when there was a knock on the door and Lia scrambled off of the bed so fast she nearly knocked Lisa’s laptop off of her knees. She pulled the door open, expecting to find her girlfriend but instead she found Yeji with a backpack slung over her shoulder.

“Yeji?” she frowned as she stepped aside to let her best friend walk in.

Yeji walked over to Lia’s bed, throwing her backpack on the ground before she sat down, looking at Lia as she patted the spot beside her. Lia shut the door with a frown and sat down next to her friend.

“It’s bad,” Yeji said before Lia could say anything and she felt like her heart stopped in her chest for a moment.

“Bad?”

“I had to help her drag her stupid back to the room cause I found her in the bathroom at the gym, throwing up that lunch she didn’t have.”

Lia didn’t know what to say, she just stared at Yeji, trying to process what she’d told her.

“Now, I’m gonna sleep here tonight and you go there. She might not act like it but she needs you.”

Lia just nodded, taking a shaky breath.

“Thanks,” she said before standing up and heading out of the room on shaky legs.

The way to Ryujin’s room seemed to take forever. She tried to get her brain to start working but the only thing she could think about was Ryujin and how she had hurt herself.

She knocked at the door softly before letting herself in. The sight that greeted her on the other side of the door broke her heart. Ryujin was curled up on the bed, there were dark circles under her puffy eyes and dried out tear tracks on her cheeks.

Lia shut the door behind her as quietly as she could so she wouldn’t wake her, but Ryujin stirred and opened her eyes as the door clicked behind Lia.

“Lia, no,” she said, her voice small and broken and raspy from all the crying.

Lia could see Ryujin’s jaw clenched as she walked closer so she decided to sit on Yeji’s bed. Ryujin sat up and Lia noticed how pale she was, how her eyes were bloodshot and struggled not to get up and start fussing around her.

“Why are you here?” Ryujin asked as she wrapped herself up in her blanket.

“Yeji told me how she found you.”

“Yeah, I guess I pushed myself a bit harder than I should have…”

Lia took a deep breath. “Did you eat anything?”

“I told you I wasn’t feeling well-”

“But you did go to the gym.”

“I, uh, I needed to blow off some steam,” Ryujin shrugged, avoiding Lia’s eyes. “It’s not a big deal.”

“But it is, Ryujin,” she said softly. “You hurt yourself.”

“It’s whatever-”

“No, Ryujin. Stop it,” Lia said, her voice firmer, making Ryujin look at her.

“Stop what?”

“You know what I mean, stop building your walls back up, please. Talk to me.”

Lia could see Ryujin’s bottom lip tremble, her jaw clench. “I don’t want you to see me like this, Lia.”

Lia felt her heart break at the slight quiver in Ryujin’s voice. She stood up and walked over to Ryujin’s bed, needing to be closer to her, but left some space between the two of them.

“Talk to me,” she repeated. “Please.”

Ryujin in a shuddering breath before she stood up, letting the blanket fall on the ground. For a moment Lia thought that she was going to leave but then Ryujin cleared , standing right in front of Lia.

“I thought that I’d never see her again. I thought that I’d never see any of them ever again, but now she’s here, living in this god damn city… and I know, I know that the chances of meeting her are ing small but I thought that I was finally free from all of that.”

Lia didn’t say anything. She just watched as Ryujin stared wring her hands together and pacing, her voice getting harder with every sentence she spoke. She wiped the few tears that had rolled down her cheeks and just kept listening.

“I took me so long to get my together after all of it. So ing long. And it took me even longer to finally be happy again,” she said, glancing at Lia with a little sad smile on her lips. “I thought that my old life was finally, finally, gone and that I was okay and could start again.”

Tears were streaming down her cheeks now and she wiped at them with the back of her hand as she took another shuddering breath.

“And I hate how ing pathetic I am. How ing weak I am.”

Lia opened to protest but Ryujin put up a hand so she shut and just listened.

“No, Lia, I am. Because all it took for me to crumble was to see her stupid face. I couldn’t even sleep last night. I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about all of it. ”

“Ryujin,” Lia breathed as she stood up.

“No, Lia, don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?”

“That,” Ryujin said, gesturing with her hand, as she tried to keep herself from sobbing. “Because I’m weak and I’m broken and I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve any of it. I don’t deserve you, Lia, I..”

“Ryujin, no,” Lia cut her off. “Stop it, please. I know you’re hurting right now, and I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now but you’re not alone. I’m here and I’ll do anything to help you get through this. So please, stop pushing me away.”

Lia could see that Ryujin was trembling as she processed her words. Her knuckles went white as she dug her nails into her palms and stepped closer to Lia.

“But you deserve so much better …”

Lia shook her head as she took that one last step that was separating them, taking Ryujin’s hand into hers after she received a small nod from her girlfriend.

“I love you so much,” she said, her heart hammering like crazy in her chest. “You’re all that I need, Ryujin. And I’m not going anywhere, I’m gonna stay through everything, even the bad and the ugly, and I’m gonna help you get through it. I love you, and I don’t care if takes a lifetime but I’m gonna help you see that you deserve the world.”

“You love me?” Ryujin asked, her voice small, as she stared into Lia’s eyes.

“I do,” Lia smiled, wiping the tears off of Ryujin’s face. “You don’t have to say it back or anything I just...”

“I love you too,” Ryujin said and Lia swore her heart stopped for a moment when the words registered in her brain.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Ryujin smiled softly as she pulled her in for a soft, lingering kiss. “Stay with me tonight?”

“Of course.”

They climbed into the bed, Lia picking up the blanket from the floor while Ryujin settled in. “Can I be the little spoon tonight?” she asked as Lia lied down next to her.

“Hmm,” Lia hummed as she threw her arm around Ryujin’s waist, pulling her closer, and buried her nose in her hair. Ryujin tangled their fingers together and pulled Lia’s arm tighter around her.

Lia thought she’d fallen asleep when Ryujin spoke up, her voice quiet. “Lia?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

“What for?”

“Staying.”

Her heart ached at how small Ryujin’s voice was, how broken she still sounded.

She placed a soft kiss to the back of Ryujin’s neck, letting her eyes close as she whispered, “I love you.”

She heard Ryujin mumble that she loves her too and then the room was filled with her steady breaths as she fell asleep. Lia didn’t fall asleep right after, wanting to make sure that Ryujin was sleeping, before drifting off herself, holding onto her girlfriend.

She knew they had a long way ahead of them but she was going to help her get through this, and then through all the hard and bad things in life that would come. But now she let herself drift off, her heart feeling full because she loved Ryujin and Ryujin loved her and they would make everything else work as long as they had each other.