Just Say My Name

The Crucible has put them together for a reason: to annoy the hell out of Jinwoo. It’s the only explanation he can find. It’s not possible to be paired with his nemesis if it’s not a bad joke – Minho says that’s to keep him controlled, but it’s more the other way around, Jinwoo thinks; he is not looking after Seunghoon, but Seunghoon does it: he is always on step ahead in all of his planes.

Seunghoon works on the knot on his tie – a perfect Windsor to match his perfect fit school uniform and smug, handsome face. Jinwoo looks at him from his mirror and sighs. He barely does a lace on his own tie and his trousers are wrinkled all along his legs – because he wore them last night to play soccer with friends and can’t remember if there is any charm to iron them. He will ask Seungyoon later (or let he do that since he is way better with spells than Jinwoo will ever).

It is because he has little magic – just enough to have been accepted at Watford. His family isn’t that powerful, unlike Seungyoon – his magic overfloods. Minho is just average. Seunghoon, too, comes from a long family of powerful magicians; he can cast spells even on his sleep (Jinwoo has seen it and it was amazing). But he will never tell that to Seunghoon; he is annoying enough on his own, doesn’t need extra encouragement or praises.

Jinwoo shakes his head just to shake out Seunghoon. It is already terrible having to share a room to, also, have to share his mental space – he is taking too much out of Jinwoo for a public enemy, he is always there, next to him, to bother him, to mess with him, to deride him and his magic.

“Messing your hair too look better?” Seunghoon says, breaking the ice silence settled on the room. Jinwoo doesn’t need to do anything to look the best, but Seunghoon would never admit – after all, that’s why enemies are for, not to remind you that you are gorgeous. He snickers at him before slamming the door close.

Jinwoo is in a bad mood – he always is when Seunghoon goes leaving him without a chance to reply; it’s disturbing, unsettling. He doesn’t like it when Seunghoon has the last word – or the first, or any. He would be happier if the damn Crucible didn’t pair them together, locking them for eight years on the same shared room where he can’t kill him because it’s forbidden (if he hurts him somehow, a magic force will him out of school, expelled for life).

“For the magic’s words, hyung, stop staring at Seunghoon!” Seungyoon sounds exasperated. “He isn’t plotting, he is just drinking tea!”

“He could be plotting as well, you can never know,” Jinwoo is very much reasonable. He is not obsessed with Seunghoon, as Minho and Seungyoon like to point out, he is concerned because Seunghoon is bad – evil, maleficent, the worst roommate to be. And he is always scheming, concocting ways to infuriate Jinwoo.

Seungyoon rolls his eyes – because Seunghoon doesn’t have to do anything to bother Jinwoo; it’s on his blood. There is nothing to do once Jinwoo settles his mind; he is stubborn. He leaves him fulminating Seunghoon with his glace and goes to class.

It is so obvious that they both have a connection, something hanging between them. It’s just about time they realise it and stops being a bother, stop mopping about it to him – Seunghoon must be the one who mops since Jinwoo is the type to curse and nags and talks non-stop about the one he so much wants to ignore (and fail to pretend that he doesn’t exist).

Minho says he won’t be surprised to find them one-day making-out on their room, breaking, finally, the tension built up all these years – that the hate is just a cover for their true feelings, that they are too freaked out to understand, too accommodating to their routines to break it and discover happiness.

Seungyoon would be happy if they just stop glancing at each other suspiciously, sceptically, bad-mouthing the other; it is tiring after seven years, hearing every day the same comments, the same morning lines.

Living with Jinwoo is like living with the sun: too bright, too cheerful, too warm, too much. Not that Seunghoon is complaining. He likes waking up to a 444-watt smile that isn’t meant to him – but that it’s always plastered on Jinwoo’s face unless he is talking to him, consciousness. One day, though, he is going to burn, combust. One day, when he can no longer contain his feelings.

You can’t expect to be forced to sleep on the same place with the most enchanting person in the whole Magic World and not falling for him – even if you try, it’s impossible. Seunghoon has tried everything: from hating to ignoring to commit murdering (on his mind, only) and, yet, his love remains unbothered, rooted on his chest. And it’s not healthy to stay up all night observing him, curled in bed, his pretty eyes shot to the sky, his soft lips just an inch away from him to kiss. He has memorized all the freckles on his face, has named them. He counts his breathings. He has to charm his own hands to keep them away from Jinwoo – away from holding him, caressing his skin. Seunghoon might be one of the most skilled wizards but Kim Jinwoo is his debility, his weakness – the silence on his spell. And he is going insane.

Jinwoo can’t see beyond himself, he only thinks about him and his stupid friends – Seunghoon has to admit that Seungyoon is quite a good magician but he is Jinwoo's friend, so he has to loath the kid as well. Jinwoo is way too good for his own benefit – he is always running to help, he is always falling on his traps, on his dodges. Maybe he should trick him into date him – that can’t be difficult; Jinwoo is so naive and innocent... But that won’t do it, Jinwoo hates him with passion, with great intensity – and there is a very good reason for it, Seunghoon has done all in his power to push him far from his reach, far from owning his heart. But he has it, since the first time. Because falling for Jinwoo was as easy as to breathe, as to pronounce a spell – it came up like his second nature.

And, as kind and polite and wonderful as Jinwoo is, he spares it to Seunghoon. With him he is rude and bare, he doesn’t stay to listen to his troubles – because he assumes he has none, being perfect as he portrays, - he doesn’t ask him about his days or if he needs help with homework – or ask him for help, which would make more sense; but Jinwoo sticks to Seungyoon, that’s how he has survived all these years.

Seunghoon is amazed that he has survived so long under Jinwoo’s charms – that Jinwoo hasn’t seen past what he pretends him to see, that he is still fooled by his indifference that is always cracking, revealing the truth beneath. He doesn’t follow him just to step on his plans or to annoy him – he does it to destroy his own heart with only watching him waltz as if nothing is wrong in the world (as if the sun was up just to caress the surface of his skin).

Maybe he should just end this, jump to the moat a let the merwolfs do the trick since he has failed so many times trying to kill Jinwoo – out of desperation, to preserve his sanity.

Seunghoon is up to no good, he can tell. He is not paying attention in class, he is distracted, his eyes catching stars. He hasn’t tried to curse him in a month, he hasn’t been sleeping well – he has noticed his perfect skin breaking down, turning into ashes, his sparkling eyes hiding under circles of blue. He doesn’t eat and he barely snarls at him – he hasn’t acknowledged him, not even in the solitude of their room. He is plotting, Jinwoo is sure of it.

“Jinwoo, he is always plotting according to you,” Seungyoon ignores him, even when Jinwoo proves him wrong. "You despise him, of course, you’ll see him acting against you, for Morganna!” he exclaims, exhausted of having the same conversation. But Jinwoo isn’t discouraged: he will find out what is going on with Lee Seunghoon – he always discovers his plans, his machinations.

“No, but he is really plotting!” Jinwoo says, adamantly. “He looks extra looming these days,”

“He conspires against you every other day, why is different now?” Minho sits next to them, his mouth filled with crumbled raisin scones bathed in butter and cream.

Jinwoo can’t put his finger at the reason – there isn’t any, but Seunghoon is up to something and Jinwoo surely will discover it.

He finds Seunghoon sleeping in his room. It’s the break before dinner and Seunghoon is never there this earlier – he is usually scheming on the library, conspiring with his minions. But he is now laying on his bed, all long and beautiful. Jinwoo takes a look at him and sighs; it’s good that he is finally resting. Not that he cares, but lately he seemed so down, he was a bit worried – and he hasn’t time to waste being preoccupied about his menace roommate. But he looks soft, which is rare; Seunghoon is all angles and sharpness, even his devil eyes are two straight lines when he talks to Jinwoo – hisses, grumbles, threaten him. It’s not the first time he observes him sleeping, but a chance like this, to do it without regrets, it’s strange – Seunghoon usually goes to bed after Jinwoo because he doesn’t like to feel intimidated (and because he showers three times a day, the freak), they have established a routine: Jinwoo wakes first, Seunghoon goes to bed last. And, so far, it’s been working – less time together to counterattack. Jinwoo sits on the floor, nestled next to Seunghoon’s bed, his chin resting on his hand, and studies him all over again (because “know your enemy” it’s Jinwoo’s principle, it’s not that he enjoys watching him stirring, moving like in a movie, in slow-motion, close-up).

“Crowley almighty, Jinwoo! Are you planning how to kill me in my sleep, or you are too fascinated with me?” the voice is raspy but Jinwoo smiles at it nevertheless. This is the sound he has been missing the lasts days – the threats, the insults, the wariness.

No way that Kim Jinwoo was stalking on him. And there is no way that he is flustering thinking about impossible, unrealistic, expectations. Jinwoo was, certainly, planning the best way to strangle him, to murder him without leaving traces that could get him expelled (would the Roommates’ Anathema work in that case? He wonders, never has he thought about this case before).

That’s it. He gets up and kicks the door after himself, shoots it close with a bang and a startled Jinwoo behind. He has set up his mind: he is going to jump to the moat, let the merwolves finish the job. Or set up a pyre and let the flames end his life – details, but his resolutions won’t wabble, he is going to disappear today. Because he can no longer live with Jinwoo by his side, so close that he can bite him, so far that it brings desperation to his brain (to close that he might combust from the pressure laying on his core).

Seunghoon is back to normal, Jinwoo sighs, relieved, smiling big and happy. Back to plot and plan and making his life unbearable. Exactly how it has always been – as it should always be. And, of course, he is following him out of the castle. Because he is back at his usual self and that means that he is going to try to do something – something evil.

Like burning the Great Lawn.

From the rampart, Jinwoo can see a tilting fire. And Seunghoon dancing around it. He has flames on his hands and he is chanting for more, to opaque the deep blue sky, veiling the rising stars. Jinwoo can’t allow it to happen – so he runs to it waving his wand, ready to fight if needed.

Jinwoo enchants his feet with a running spell and flies the distance between the rampart and the forest.

“For Merlin,” he yells, inhaling smoke, eyes blurred, “What do you think you are doing?”

“Ending this for good,” he grumbles. His voice trembles but his enchantments are steady, little balls of fire dancing across space between them. His beautiful face is stained with soot-like black tears. He looks devastated and wonderful.

Jinwoo stares at him.

“What are you going to end? Me? Not a chance,” he says, more confident than he feels. He is good with magic words but Seunghoon is much better, he wouldn’t win a duel against him.

“For once, no. For once I’m the protagonist,” he answers, still holding flames on his hands, “This is not another chapter of Kim Jinwoo’s Perfect Life Show,” he mocks, but it sounds different, there isn’t his usual gnarl. It sounds honest, painfully real.

“What do you mean?”

“I know you are slow, but I’m not going to spell it for you, Jinwoo,” he says, one step closer to the bonfire. Jinwoo reacts out of habit – he has this thing about saving people all the time; it’s a habit. “Don’t come closer!” Seunghoon yells at him, stepping into the circle of fire. “The last thing I want is to be saved by you, really. I have my share fare of being mortified by you.”

“But I don’t want you to die!” Jinwoo says and his voice acts as a magnet because Seunghoon has stopped midway to stare at him.

“Why do you care? Your life would be perfect without me. I’m your nemesis, remember?”

This whole conversation is stupid and, if he doesn’t hurry, the whole school will realize his intentions – he is powerful but the spell “Nothing to see” won’t last much longer.

“Exactly! I have to end you. And I refuse to push you into this,” Jinwoo says, adamantly, pointing at the pyre. Seunghoon rolls his eyes, tired. This isn’t going as it should – by now he should be ashes and dust, a memory (a gosht that Jinwoo can no longer torment with whines and scorns and plans to make his life hell being perfect and wonderful and the pain on his that it is being desperately in love with him).

“Look, I appreciate your concerns, but I don’t want to live any longer, ok? Now, let me put an end on this lame show,” he is begging, “don’t come closer. Jinwoo, seriously!”

Since when Jinwoo has listened to him? Evidently, today won’t be the first time. Today, as usual, Jinwoo steps into the fire to yank Seunghoon out – out of his suicidal revelry.

There are smoke and pain and Jinwoo is holding him, rolling on the grass, wand extinguishing the bonfire. Jinwoo holds onto him even when the last amber is suffocated, he pins him to the grass, his arms around his chest, his head on his collarbone, his lips mumbling on his ears.

“You can’t die, Seunghoon, we are bound together, the Crucible puts us together to watch each other’s back!”

“No, it put us together to make my life miserable. It’s not enough to have to share classes, I have to literally live with you, 24/7. This is something unbearable. I can’t permit this to go on.”

This is new. Jinwoo is accustomed to Seunghoon being dramatic and vocal about hating him, but this is setting a new level. Something is wrong, he can feel it.

“What is wrong with you?”

“You. You are what is wrong, Kim Jinwoo! You, being a role model, perfect in all you do, kind, nice, adorable and all sunshine. How I am supposed to live when you are all I can’t reach? It’s like you are a drug that I can never have enough,” he says, the words lighting the anchor inside his chest. Maybe Jinwoo will kill him once he tells him the truth. It’s worth trying – after all, there is nothing left to say or do. “I’m in love with you, ok? Happy now?”

Jinwoo blinks. Once, twice, his long eyelashes casting shadows under his round, gleaming eyes. He is still on top of him, so close he can draw constellations with his freckles, he can paint him with colours. And, then, he is kissing him. Jinwoo is kissing him.

Now, this must be the end.

“Now I am happy.”

And he kisses Seunghoon again.

“Now, with you in my arms, far from troubles, stupified enough to not plot how to end your life again.”

Another kiss.

“Because, how am I supposed to live without you? You are my counterpart, we are meant to be together. Now, everything falls into place, make sense, finally.”

Seunghoon doesn’t find the courage to argue – not that he wants to, not now when Jinwoo is holding him, his hands entangled, his eyes gleaming on him, spreading its light on him alone. Not when he is saying that he wants him (alive, with him, whatever that it really means). Instead, he leaves Jinwoo to pour more kisses on him.

“Seunghoon,” he breathes his name out now, both tangled on Jinwoo’s bed. Seunghoon smiles and the sight of it is beautiful – Jinwoo has been longing for it, to be the reason for it. “I really want to just say your name and kiss you”.