Fretful. That was the feeling that her sleep gave her. Chaeyoung was never the type to sleep well in the first place and it didn’t get better ever since she moved home. They say that those who dream the most are the ones that overthink the most and Chaeyoung thought to herself that truer words were never spoken. The thoughts that kept her awake at night and the dreams that woke her up were always caused by the same problems. Unresolved memories of a woman who was an ocean away. 9,580 kilometres separated them but Chaeyoung knew her heart would always be tied to Los Angeles, to the city across the sea.

 

Lifting her head from the softness of her pillow, Chaeyoung sat up in her bed, taking in the soft glow of the city lights around her bedroom. As normal the shadows flickering in her room were both comforting and disorienting, as if the demons in her mind were laughing at her in physical form. Chae looked out the window, seeing the city below her, and the stars above her, her state being of being reflected in the metaphor of her room; purgatory. Her life was a purgatory with the skies above, hoping for happiness, but the demons below, chasing her, as the city draws her into its soft embrace. Unable to go forward, but unwilling to go back, here the woman remains, forever still.

 

Chaeyoung smiled, a bitter smile, if her best friend found out about the thoughts in her head surely the taller woman would call her over dramatic. She sighed shifting in her bed so she could open the drawer on her bedside table, the sound of steel rolling on wood filling the air for a brief instant of time. Grabbing the lighter hidden inside and a small paper box, she stood up. Walking towards the door of her room she grabbed her coat, preparing herself to go walk across her empty apartment.

 

Walking into her apartment at night was always a comforting experience, the stillness of the night bringing peace to the space, as it was often filled with drawings, papers, friends and voices during the daytime, that whilst welcome becomes overwhelming many days.

 

She looks back at her apartment before she opens the door. She prepares herself for the light that floods her room from the open doorway as she steps through the threshold of her apartment, heading downwards into the city below, knowing that her murmuring thoughts would blend into the busy night time of the city. 

 

Exiting her building, the girl found that the night breeze was welcoming, neither too chilly nor too warm, it carried with it the promise of quiet companionship, of a partner for the night, to accompany her on her aimless journey.

 

So she walked, enjoying the night finding herself on a well-trodden path, one that she walked many times before. She holds her hand out to the wind, letting it skim around her, enjoying the feeling of it running against her fingers, reminding her of soft hair, and the ocean breeze from a memory from lifetimes past.

 

She finds herself at the river, Chaeyoung loves the water, the scent of it bringing peace to her meandering thoughts, the sound silencing the whispering voices in her mind. Finding a familiar empty bench she sat down, content to close her eyes and enjoy her small moment of peace. 

 

Getting comfortable, the girl pulls out the small box of cigarettes hidden in her coat pocket, grabbing one she muses that tonight is a perfect night for one. cold nights have always been her favourite time for smoking. 

 

Placing the cigarette in she lifted the lighter, the sparking flame lighting up her face in a warm soft light, she inhaled, smelling the burning tobacco, letting the smoke fill her lungs, savouring the bitter taste, as it travelled down , holding it for a brief time before exhaling, watching the white smoke superimposed on the dark blue night dance around her face, floating skyward. For Chaeyoung watching the dancing smoke was always her favourite part, like a long lost friend saying hello again before leaving once more. The smoke travelled upward causing the young girl to face the moon. A soft crescent moon was present, a crack in the dark sky, like an eye shutting closed, waiting for sleep to overtake it. 

 

The night was melancholy much like the girls feelings, she didn’t know when she made friends with the night, of the wind, stars and moon, but it was a friendship she appreciated nonetheless one that she valued as much as her human companions, her celestial friends were able to comfort her in many  ways that they could not. 

 

Taking a deep breath the girl pondered, the stillness of the night and her newfound peace giving her clarity on what she wanted, thinking about her life and how to progress forward, a thought that was foreign in her eyes, her mind stumbled upon a name, one that was the root and solution to all her problems.

 

Sana. 

 

The name brought a bittersweet emotion to her. Sana was many things to the cub, her home, her best friend, her rock, but above all else she was her love. Chaeyoung can admit to herself that, after all this time, she has never stopped loving the girl and will probably never fail to do so. Sana was engraved into her heart and she didn’t know if she ever wanted that to change.

 

Chaeyoung knows what she wants to do, but she doesn’t know the outcome, or her odds, but hey, Sana was always a risk worth taking to her.

 

Taking out her phone she called the other girl, she would regret it in the morning after seeing her phone bill but for now she was sure this is what she wanted.

 

Hearing the phone ring, an overwhelming panic filled her, what if she changed her phone number, or she blocked her, or her new lover answers, the thoughts ran through her mind like lightning, feeling a sharp cold pain she relaxed her fingers, in her worry she didn't notice her grip on her cellphone, threatening to crush the device in between her hands. 

 

The seconds seemed to stretch on forever, with each ring, her resolve and hope crumbled, filling her with despair, until a soft voice answered her.

 

“Chaeyoung?” A soft voice said from the other side of the phone, worry laced in her tone. 

 

Her fingers shook, the voice that she so longed to hear say her name again was here, clear as if standing right beside her. a teardrop hit her phone, overwhelmed that her name could sound so comforting, and fill her with such warmth at the simple call. She sobbed wiping away her tears, as quickly as they formed wishing that she wouldn’t sound weak to the older woman. 

 

“Hey, hey,” Sana spoke “Chaeng? Are you crying? Chae what’s wrong?” Chaeyoung didn’t miss the worry in her voice, the way the older was always so kind and caring, filling her with hope but dread as well. Sana was like this with everyone, Chaeyoung reminded herself, not willing to get her hopes up.

 

“Sana?” Chaeyoung said weakly, the only thought in her brain was Sana. Sana, Sana, Sana.

 

“Yes Chaeng I’m here, talk to me.” Sana said softly hoping that she could comfort the younger in any way. 

 

“I-I miss you.” Chaeyoung’s voice cracked as she said it, wavering as if the truth was a hard pill to swallow.

 

A loud bitter sigh was heard from the phone. “Oh Chae, I miss you too. So so much.” Sana said, and Chaeyoung could hear it, the love in her voice, the affection from their past, and the strength of her emotions. Chaeyoung could hear it in her voice.

 

“You do?” Chaeyoung whispered. Forgetting that there was 9580 kilometres separating them, Chaeyoung was filled with a desperate hope. 

 

“Of course. I never wanted us to end Chae. If I could go back, I would never have let you go.” Sana said with certainty.

 

“Then why did you?” The cub asked innocently, knowing the answer but needing to hear it anyways. 

 

“Chaeyoung I love you, I always have and I always will, but I thought… I thought that we couldn’t work. I’m sorry that I was so weak, but knowing that I couldn’t see you, or be with you, or feel you beside me hurt me more than I could ever say. I thought you chose yourself over us, and that maybe we were meant to end, so I let it.” Both the girls could feel the pain, and the rawness of her hurt, as if they were scars that never quite healed.

 

“I’m sorry Sana.” The cub apologized. “For everything, for not holding on, for thinking that we would be ok without each other, for putting both of us through this, for making you think that I stopped loving you when I could never and would never think of doing that.” 

 

The weight of their confessions filled the air as a heavy silence pressed down on them.

 

“Where are you Chaeyoung?” Sana’s voice cut the air around them, and Chaeyoung marvelled at the sound of her ex-lovers' voice, even if nothing came out of this night, she will never regret this decision to talk to her one last time.

 

Another bittersweet smile formed on the cubs face. “Where we first met, the place I told you I’d wait for you.” realizing where she had sat unconsciously, tracing the carving of their names on the wooden bench below her. 

 

“The Han river?” Sana said in a quiet tone of disbelief.

 

“Mhmm.” She opened her closed eyes surveying the view around her, how could she not have realized where she sat. It’s almost as if the wind brought her to the exact place she needed to be, and as she thought it, the wind caressed her face as if it could feel the girl’s gratitude. 

 

Sana let out an amused chuckle, “Let me guess the wind brought you there?” And Chaeyoung laughed at the notion that, to Sana, she would always be an open book. 

 

“How’d you know?” The korean responded, with a smirk on her face.

 

“I always know babe.” And Chaeyoung can hear the smugness in her tone, and she could feel the tips of her ears burning with embarrassment at the pet name.

 

“I bet you did that thing where you watch the cigarette smoke float up to the sky as you're smoking, and that you stared at the moon for 5 minutes before calling me.” 

 

Damn. Sana knew her too well. 

 

“Well let me guess, you’re outside now you walked out once you heard me, and you're now laying on a hill, looking at the clouds, tracing them with your hands.” Chaeyoung retorted.

 

Sana chuckled. “Touché.” Both of them smiled, taking a moment to listen to the others breathing, as it was therapeutic for both of them. 

 

In that moment both of them were content.

 

“Hey babe?” Sana called breaking their reverie.

 

“Love, I swear if you call me babe again I’ll explode.”  Chaeyoung chuckled. “But yes?” She said with faux sweetness.

 

“Fine...” Sana said sarcastically, and the korean could hear the eye roll over the phone. 

 

“ Hey babe?” Sana said again, emphasizing the word ‘babe’.

 

Chaeyoung laughed heartily amused by the girl’s playfulness. Feeling lighter than she has in a long time she smirked.

 

“Yes, baby?” Chaeyoung said cutely, playing along.

 

“Oww.” A small bang was heard from Chaeyoung’s phone, the static muffling the sound.

 

“Sana? are you ok?” The cub questioned worriedly. 

 

“Chaengie you made me drop my phone on my face.” The Japanese girl whined. Chaeyoung could hear the pout on her face and couldn’t help but chuckle at the girl's clumsiness.

 

Once Sana calmed down Chaeyoung asked once more. “Sana, what were you going to say babe?”

 

“I swear you're gonna kill me.” Chae heard her mumble. 

 

“I was gonna ask you Chae, what have I missed? It’s been two years since we last saw each other and I wanna know you again. Everything about you, like old times.” Sana said softly, affection lacing her voice. 

 

Chaeyoung gave a soft smile, her black eyes crinkling, shimmering with the stars. “I would love that, but you gotta tell me what I’ve missed too.”

 

“Of course.”

 

So they talked the night away, on a hill and a river bank, what they’ve missed, the things they tried, new things, old things, memories of them, new ones too. They say closeness could not be imitated and they found themselves drifting closer together even though they were apart physically. The ease of it all, like two pieces fitting together made their time enjoyable and to say the least, it was the happiest either of them have been in a long time.

 

Sometime later after promises of seeing each other soon, and Sana telling Chaeyoung that her Momo-Unnie misses her badly, and as Sana quotes, “She won’t approve of Sana bringing a girl home unless it's Chaeyoung.” a thought that Chaeyoung laughed at, Sana asked the question that was on both of their minds.

 

“Chaeyoung, can we be together again?” Sana asked quietly, afraid of the younger girl's answer.

 

Chaeyoung sighed, knowing that they needed to have this conversation. “Sana…there's nothing I want more than to be with you, but distance brought us apart last time, why wouldn’t it do the same again? We’re 9580 kilometres apart, and I already lost you once, I don’t know if I can be without you again.” 

 

Sana didn’t answer her, the dead silence filling the night. 

 

Chaeyoung could feel her tears surfacing again, the wind playing with her hair as if to comfort her.

 

“Hey Sana?” Chaeyoung asks, unable to take the silence, the void of knowing that this may be their last night.

 

“Yes Chae?” Sana whimpers, guilt at being unable to answer the younger eating at her.

 

“Can you see the moon?” Chaeyoung knew that she couldn’t, it was the middle of the afternoon in LA, but Chaeyoung hoped that Sana could let her have this. Just this once.

 

“Yea babe, I can see It.” Chaeyoung can feel the girl crying, hearing her quiet sobs over the crackle of the phone speaker. 

 

She reaches her hand to the moon. “Sana, no matter how far apart we are, if you can see the moon, know that we are under the same sky and that even if I have to wait forever, my heart will always be here waiting for you, under the night sky.” Chaeyoung closed her eyes, ready to accept whatever fate Sana decided for them.

 

“Chaeyoung?” Sana said with a clear voice. 

 

“Turn around.” And Chaeyoung's eyes went wide. She froze not trusting herself, and not believing the sound she just heard. 

 

Sana’s voice didn’t come from her phone.

 

She stood, turning slowly, afraid that this wasn’t real. Unable to believe what she saw, as the face of the woman she spent so many nights thinking about, dreaming about, the woman she saw her forever with came into her view.

 

There she stood. Sana. Her Sana, with her kind smile, and loving, beautiful eyes that glistened like warm amber. Her cheeks were tear stained but she was beautiful nonetheless. 

 

They stared at each other, unconsciously moving forward, drawing closer together, until Sana wrapped Chaeyoung in her tight embrace, the warmth that erupted in her chest, banishing the coldness of the night air.

 

Chaeyoung sobbed, all of her feelings, disbelief, happiness, the aching, the love, all of it overwhelming her as she cried on the taller girl's shoulder. Surrounded by the night she sobbed, nothing was as comforting as being in her arms, and Chaeyoung couldn’t be happier to have this moment. 

 

Once she regained her composure she was filled with questions. 

 

“Why?” That was the first word that Chaeyoung spoke. Eyes wide, her brain could not process that this was all real, that her Sana was really hear.

 

Sana gazed softly at the shorter girl, caressing her cheek with one hand. “I came for you.” Was all she said, and Chaeyoung understood.

 

“It’s going to be different this time Chaeyoung.” Sana whispered into her ear. “This time I’m sure,I will never let you go again, you waited for me, under the moonlight along the river just like you said you would. I’m here now and I’m sure. I would cross oceans for you, because I know that wherever you are, my heart is.” Chaeyoung’s chest tightened, hope and love filling every crevice her existence.

 

Sana kissed her forehead and tilted the cub’s head upwards, so that she could gaze into the glittering onyx orbs that she missed so much.

 

“I love you Chaeyoung. Be mine again?” Sana whispered.

 

Chaeyoung leaned forward capturing the lips she’s been chasing all these years, baring her emotions into the kiss, knowing Sana would understand her heart. 

 

9580 kilometres had separated them but their hearts, they were always connected.

 

“Let’s start again.”