Is this how it’s supposed to feel like? Was the first thought that entered Momo’s mind that morning. Bleary eyes struggling to open, sunlight filtering through the blinds, illuminating the dust motes dancing about her room. Despite the idyllic morning the young woman couldn’t shake the ever growing sense that something was wrong.

 

It wasn’t depression, or sadness per se. She was uncomfortable in the smallest way possible. The feeling made her restless in a way she didn’t understand. 

 

She was home.

 

 This house held within it so many facets of her in it. Her story, her life, her memories were all captured in this house, in this room and yet there was the smallest feeling of not belonging that haunted her.

 

She moved back home 6 months ago and this feeling hasn’t left her since the moment she walked in through the door. She used to chalk it up to needing to readjust, “give it time” was her motto but even that excuse was starting to fall away as time went by. 

 

6 months and she still doesn’t understand herself. 

 

Momo thought that this was the right choice. “Follow your dreams,” was what everyone always says growing up and Momo followed them. Now she was a dancer, dancing in one of the biggest studios in the world, competing, teaching and living her dream. She loved it but there was something wrong, something missing. She thought she was happy, but now…. now she wasn’t as sure.

 

“What did it cost you?” The voice in her head mumbled. 

 

She closes her eyes. Flashes of a dimpled smile, soft laughter and sweet kisses along her skin flashes in her mind, bubbling in her like memories of a forgotten life, one left unfinished.

 

 They cut her like shards of glass, and in their reflection she sees them. Those eyes, big and round, dark as the newly fallen night, with tears falling like the evening rain threatening to turn into a storm.

 

Momo opened her eyes, heavy hearted and the girl released a shaky breath.

 

 “That has nothing to do with this.” She lied to herself. And her heart tightened as it struggled to fight the chains Momo placed on it. 

 

——

 

‘I just miss korean food.’ 

 

She lies again and her heart sighs once more. 

 

It’s the middle of the day and Momo finds herself at the grocery store, staring at a jar of kimchi biting her lip, deciding whether or not it’s a good idea to make some korean food. It wasn’t a complete lie when she said she misses the food. Something about the spicy, savoury and warm broth in her imagination sent a pleasant warm feeling into her chest and she soon came to a decision.

 

‘Why not?’ Couldn’t hurt to try right? 

 

Imagining a warm kimchi-jjigae she swipes the kimchi off the shelf and makes her way to find the rest of the ingredients for the soup. 

 

As she passes by the produce section a small red fruit catches her eye and she grabs it instinctively, turning around, a smile on her face, about to ask a girl who wasn’t there, whether she wanted to have strawberries for dessert tonight, before realizing, ahh that’s right. She’s not here.

 

Feeling overwhelmed by the sense of guilt she gently places the box of strawberries on the shopping cart, before sighing once more trying to fight the guilt that’s clawing its way up .

 

The rest of the trip is hazy for Momo. She remembers the beep of the machine and paying for the ingredients but she doesn’t think about it, too lost in the memories are playing behind her eyes again and as much as she wants to let her tears loose she knows that she needs to get home first. 

 

‘Aish Chaeyoung would never let me live it down if I cried in public huh?’ Was the thought in her head as the glass doors of the grocery store shut behind her. A humourless laugh escaping her lips despite herself. 

 

——

 

Every time before Momo walks through the door she imagines the feeling of home welcoming her as she crosses the threshold, only to be met with disappointment as the feeling never comes. 

 

It feels empty, the same as every other time she walks through the door and every time the disappointment keeps building. It’s as if her heart is telling her ‘you don’t belong here.’ But as usual Momo doesn’t want to listen so she ignores it, same as every other time she walks through the threshold.

 

Momo restrains herself from sighing once more, the action happening much too often for her liking. Kicking off her shoes and dumping her coat on the couch, both actions which will end up having someone yell at her, she moves forward into her kitchen placing her bags on the counter before falling across her couch with a thud. She covered her eyes with her arm, robbing herself of her eyesight and reducing the world to a soft static on her skin and silence in her ears. The cold aura in her house was suffocating at times but right now it hung to Momo like a whisper in the night, present but not consuming. It might have something to do with the fact that she was going to cook soon. Just the thought of the kitchen sent a pleasant feeling through her body. 

 

She slowly lifted her arm off her eyes, wincing at the bright lights that invaded her eyes suddenly. She got up, deciding that she had enough of the self-pity party. Walking to the kitchen she unpacked her ingredients and slowly got to work. She started cutting the vegetables and soup first, onion, garlic, meat it was a standard affair. Glancing back again at the kimchi she opened the jar, the signature fragrance hitting her nose abruptly. It smelt sour, spicy,and like something else…

 

 To Momo it smelt like home.

 

——

 

Knock. Knock. 

 

A younger Momo was startled hearing the door being knocked upon. She just started her second year of college and she was living in the dorms this year for the first time. Not having any friends that lived nearby the Japanese woman didn’t know who would be knocking at her door at 7pm without prior warning. 

 

Hesitantly she opened the door hastily revealing a girl that she didn’t know but would get to know very well soon. 

 

“Oh.” The girl said, staring at her with wide eyes. The girl was cute, shorthead just coming up to Momo’s lips, long dark hair falling over her shoulders in waves, a cute mole on the side of her pouty lip. Momo probably shouldn’t have stared at her, but the other girl was staring at her as well glancing up and down her body. 

 

Meeting the girl's gaze Momo smirked, “See something you liked?” 

 

The cub looking girl turned a dark shade of red and shook her head quickly. 

 

“I’m sorry!” She exclaimed, “it’s just… Wow. You’re really pretty” getting quieter as her sentence progressed. 

 

Now it was Momo’s turn to blush “thank you.” She said softly, not used to receiving praise.

 

Both girls looked down embarrassed, as an awkward silence filled the air between them. They stayed that way for a few minutes, neither girl knowing what to say yet.

 

“Did you need something?” Momo asked, breaking the silence.

 

“Oh!” The girl exclaimed a look of remembering came upon her face. “Sorry I forgot the reason I came here.” A sheepish smile crept onto her face as she rubbed the back of her head. 

 

Clearing the girl began. “Hi my name is Chaeyoung and I live in the dorm beside yours, I just moved in and I was hoping I could give you some kimchi?” The girl raises a jar of kimchi towards her . Holding it with both hands “I-I made it myself and I thought I could give you some? I’m sorry I’m being stupid aren’t I? The girl. ‘Chaeyoung’ Momo supposes, lets out with a  groan. 

 

“No no it’s not stupid at all,” Momo replays waving her hands frantically. “Thank you so much actually.” Momo said with a smile taking the jar from the other girls. Their hands brushed each other accidentally as Momo took the jar and Momo feels a blush forming on her face from the contact. 

 

“I’m Momo by the way.” Momo raised her free arm, the other holding the jar of kimchi like a baby.

 

“It’s nice to meet you.” Chaeyoung smiled and Momo aww’d internally at the girl's dimples. 

 

“Wahh so cute.” Momo let out absentmindedly, before covering embarrassed at what she said out loud.

 

Hearing Chaeyoung giggle Momo gazed at the shorter girl before laughing with her. 

 

“Oh. I have to get going.” Chaeyoung said, looking at her phone, “ but it was great meeting you Momo I hope to see you soon.” She bowed before running off. While Momo just dazedly waved a hand watching the girl disappear into the room beside hers. 

 

She questioned whether that night really happened but that’s how they met, and Momo had the jar to prove it. 

 

Momo opened the jar of kimchi and it reminded her of the girl she just met. “Chaeyoung. What an interesting person.” She chuckled wondering how they’ll meet again.

 

——

 

The memories play in Momo’s mind like a movie. The smell of this kimchi wasn’t quite the same as Chaeyoung’s, but nonetheless it was comforting all the same. Taking out the vegetable and cutting it, Momo then placed all the cut ingredients on a plate, arranging them by colour, something that Chaeyoung had instilled in her as they cooked together over the years. 

 

Momo remembers the early days with fondness, the meeting and the slowly blooming friendship between them, she remembered the excuses they made to knock on each other’s door, all just so they could see each other once more. 

 

Momo heats the pot, waiting for it to warm before putting the oil into the pot. She places the ingredients in the pot one by one, hearing the pan sizzle as the various items meet its warm surface. The smell was intoxicating for Momo, it smells warm and flavourful, and nostalgic. Pouring dashi and a small amount of soy sauce into the pan, the young woman waits patiently, stirring occasionally. Momo misses the feeling of a body pressed against her back, playing with her hands as she stirred, the whispers, the touches and the kisses, and slowly she feels the pull of the memories drag Momo back into her mind.

 

——

 

Knock. Knock. 

 

Momo opens the door with a smile this time, knowing exactly who’s behind that door. 

 

“Hey Chaeng.” Momo says with a knowing smirk, her eyes looking over the girl with curiosity. 

 

“Hey Momo.” Chaeyoung says with the same playful tone, running her hands through her now short hair. 

 

. Momo wishes she could run her hands through the younger’s hair. 

 

“So I was wondering,” Chaeyoung says teasingly “whether my pretty neighbor would like to have dinner with me?” 

 

Momo giggled. “Sure I’d love to! Just gimme a sec and I’ll be right over.” 

 

It’s been almost a year since they met and the flirting and teasing has become a common occurrence for the both of them. Momo thought she wouldn’t trade those moments for the world, slowly becoming enamoured by the girl named Son Chaeyoung. 

 

Deciding that a black crop top and her comfiest pair of sweats was good enough Momo changed quickly and happily skipped from her room towards Chaeng’s. Opening Chae’s door quietly, a habit that started a while back knowing that the younger girl likes to leave her door unlocked so no one (namely Momo) would bother knocking while she was working, Momo stepped through the door following her nose into the space. 

 

Momo could bear a faint song resonating through the air, and could smell the aroma of good, homemade food filling her nose. As she drew closer she could make out the music of the background mixed with Chaeyoung’s husky, smooth voice humming softly to the tune. She tiptoed quietly to the girl who was gently swaying whilst stirring the soup, too lost in her own world to notice the other girl behind her, and wrapped her arms gently around her waist as she sang the next lyric into the girl's ear. 

 

“And I can’t help, falling in love with you.” Momo whispered softly. 

 

Chaeyoung turned eyes wide, and in her eyes Momo fell seeing the love and adoration reflected into them, sparkling like all the stars in the sky falling into the universe that was Son Chaeyoung. They stayed like that for what seemed to be forever drawing ever closer, until their foreheads touched and gently Momo heard the softest whisper. 

 

“Be Mine.”

 

Momo pressed their lips together in the softest kiss. 

 

“I’m yours.” 

 

——

 

The smell in her house was intoxicating her, reminding her of the warm past, of them. It was their first meal as a couple and maybe it was foolish to think that making kimchi-jjigae was a good idea but Momo’s always been a fool for her. Turning the heat off Momo stared at the dish in front of her. All the soft dinners, laughter, warm moments with Chaeyoung, god she can’t help but miss them. Momo takes a bowl of the soup, two ladlefuls just like how Chae used to give her, and walks into the dining room, taking a seat.

 

Smelling the fragrant soup beneath her nose, a bittersweet feeling wells up in her chest. 

 

Deciding that she should eat the soup while it’s warm. Momo took a big spoonful, not forgetting to blow on it to cool the hot soup, watching the steam flowing around her dining room before digging in and Ahhh. It’s just as good as she remembers, warmth spreads throughout her body as she eats. It felt right, it felt like home and for the first time in a long time she feels better, almost content the feelings in her chest calms down and the fog lifts for a moment. 

 

She lets out a sigh of contentment as she finishes eating, patting her stomach and smiling wider than she has in a long time. But for some reason Momo can’t help but feel something was missing.

 

Momo takes a second to figure out what’s missing. 

 

Dessert!

 

Ahh yes that is the only thing she’s missing and she walks to the counter cutting strawberries happily, waiting for Chaeyoung to hold her and steal some from her hands.

 

Ahh… that’s right she’s not here.

 

Slowly Momo’s smile fades and she remembers where she is. The fog of unhappiness returning.

 

She’s not in Korea, she's in Japan.

 

She’s not with Chaeyoung. Not anymore.

 

And it’s all her fault.

 

——

 

They dated for 4 years before it ended.

 

Momo still loved Chaeyoung, even when she left, she was still deeply, woefully, and completely enamoured with her. Everything about Chaeyoung was perfect, her ever changing hair, her endless patience, her kindness, and her eyes. God she loved her eyes, they say that eyes are a window to someone’s soul and for Chaeyoung it was always true. Her passion, her wonder, her love was always there. Plain for everyone to see, Momo wished they’d stay like that forever. 

 

Knock. Knock.

 

Momo jolted, startled she turned, facing the very eyes she was just thinking about. 

 

“Are you ok baby?” The korean said, playfulness in her eyes as she put the bag on the table beside the japanese girl. She turned and with a plop sat on her girlfriend's lap. “Momo, are you ok?” She said again, the playfulness turning into concern. Momo didn’t say a word. Knowing that if she said more she would just make things harder.

 

“I brought strawberries,” Chaeyoung said with a smile, as she opened the pack of strawberries. She got off Momo's lap to face the taller girl as she held a strawberry out to her. 

 

Momo hoped she didn’t have to face her, she wanted to leave, to run and let the letter on their bed explain for her, to do the one thing she dreaded to do. she didn’t want to see Chaeyoung’s heart break. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she saw that.

 

 For the first time in 4 years she wished Chaeyoung didn't come home. 

 

“I’m leaving you. I’m sorry Chaeyoung I have to leave.” She said with a clear cold voice not looking up to face the other girl. She tried to hide her pain, she held her face straight. No crying, no emotions even if every bone in her body grieved, and mourned telling her that it was a mistake. That was the say she chained her heart.

 

She sees the hand holding the strawberries retract, out of her field of view.

 

 “W-why.” Was the only thing The korean girl said with sorrow. 

 

“I’m sorry Chaeyoung.” She got up and turned to leave not looking up. Unwilling to face the girl, to face the destruction she caused.

 

“No.” Chaeyoung said, grabbing the girl's hand, spilling the strawberries that were on her lap in the process, scattering onto the floor, the red fruits looked like pieces of the girl’s broken heart bleeding into the floor of their apartment. 

 

“Tell me why Momo. Look at my face and tell me why.” She sounded so broken, the voice she loves so much, the one that was full of nothing but love her was now full of pain and it was all her fault. 

 

Momo looked up, facing the tear stained face of the younger girl. Her eyes, those eyes she fell in love with, those eyes that glittered with stars, with her universe were empty, hollow and weeping, they were a stormy night now. Her eyes were filled with rain, turbulent, dark and filled with nothing but sorrow.

 

“I’m sorry. I don’t love you anymore.” 

 

Chaeyoung’s heart shattered, Momo felt it in the shaking of hands as they let go of her wrist, saw it in picture perfect clarity in the girl's eyes and heard it, as her cries finally reached Momo’s ears. Momo couldn’t bear it so she steeled herself, closed her eyes and walked out of their home, leaving the love of her life crying in her wake. 

 

As she walked out of the building she finally let her facade go. There she wailed, she cried and cried into the night until finally she didn’t know if she had any tears left. 

 

—-

 

Momo never forgave herself for lying to Chaeyoung that night. It was her first lie. The first of many that she’s been saying ever since she left the other woman. Momo left her love to chase her dream. She thought it was worth it. She got a job offer. Her dream job, to become a dancer, only the offer was in Japan and Momo didn’t want to uproot chaeyoung to force her to come with her despite knowing the younger girl would’ve followed her anywhere. Perhaps that’s why she didn’t want to do it. The guilt of making the girl leave her family, her friends, all for her was too much for Momo to handle. So she did the only thing she could think of, she ran away. 

 

Tears fell from her face as she ate the strawberries. They were always Chaeyoung’s favourite. 

 

Thinking of the younger girl again Momo cried and decided to be honest with herself. 

 

She misses her.

 

She’s empty without Chaeyoung.

 

She still loves her with all her heart.

 

Her house doesn’t  feel like home because Chaeyoung isn’t in it.

 

Realizing what she had to do Momo made a decision. 

 

It’s time for her to stop running.

 

She hears the door open. Her Mom stepped through the same threshold that she entered a little while ago. Momo ran to her, engulfing her in a hug before preparing to tell her everything.

 

“Mom I’m so so sorry but I have to leave.”

 

——

 

A week later and she’s back in Korea. 

 

It didn’t take long to convince her parents, they both could see she was unhappy. So they helped her in any way they could, stating that next time she comes back she better have their daughter-in-law with her.

 

The thought made Momo blush.

 

So here she was staying with a friend, hoping to find Chaeyoung again.

 

Mina was always Momo’s best friend and slowly she became Chaeyoung’s as well. She was their rock, when both of them needed help and Momo was happy that even throughout everything that she could still call Mina her best friend.

 

She won’t lie even being here in Mina’s apartment, it already felt more like home than Japan ever did. Slowly Momo realizes, while cuddling with Mina as they watched some movie on tv, as Mina’s eyes started falling resting her head on Momo’s shoulder, that Chaeyoung wasn’t the only thing in Korea she missed. 

 

——

 

“What do you plan to do now Momoring?” A gentle voice says, beside her. 

 

Momo just got back from a job interview, for a dance studio, getting a few callbacks from some major companies after her stint in Japan as one of the best dancers in the world.

 

“I’m gonna get her back.” She replies confidently, even though Momo’s scared that it wouldn’t be that easy. 

 

Mina laughs beside her with her gentle giggle, “Good that girl is so lost without you.”

 

Momo turns to her alarmed. “What do you mean?”

 

“Momo, you hurt her, badly we had to help her pick up the pieces of her heart, but it wasn’t easy.” Mina frowns, remembering the state Momo left Chaeyoung in, before letting out a small smile and facing Momo with kindness in her eyes. “But she still loves you. That I’m sure of.”

 

Momo returns her smile with a small one of her own. “Thank’s Minari.” Momo says softly. Happy that the other girl accepted her back into her life, and by extension Chaeyoung’s.

 

She leans to give the younger girl a hug which she returns, and Momo feels warmth blossoming in her chest at the action. 

 

“Now get up I’m driving you to her place, right now.” Mina says, slapping Momo’s arm, forcing her up. “Now get changed, you have to look good if you want the cub to take you back.” She says with a wink. Jiggling her keys in front of you.

 

“Ok. I just need to get some things first.” Momo says, a plan forming in her head.

 

—-

 

‘Ok. Maybe my plan ’ Momo thought. But there’s really no backing out now. Mina already left and Momo realizes she hs nothing to do but to go through with her stupid plan. Momo is scared thinking of all the possibilities of this going wrong. Momo remembers Chaeyoung’s face, and her eyes, and the thought of her gives Momo strength, it always has.

 

With a deep breath Momo readies herself. 

 

Knock. Knock.

 

The familiar sound of their door made Momo realize that this was really happening. She was freaking out and she didn’t know what to do. It was too late to run away now but oh god how Momo wanted to do nothing more. 

 

She hears footsteps echoing through the small apartment and hears the doorknob turning. 

 

“Yah! Minari why are you here so-” she cut herself off when she realizes who’s at her door. 

 

With a small smile Momo waved. “Hi Chae.” 

 

Taking in the girl before her. She looks.. thinner and as if she wasn’t sleeping well, there were bags under her eyes and her hair was blonde now. Damn even like this the cub was beautiful.

 

As their eyes met the girl's eyes hardened, and for once Momo couldn’t tell what the other girl was feeling. 

 

“What do you want Momo?”

 

The girl's tone sent a shiver up Momo’s spine, it was cold, and unfeeling, Momo wasn’t used to being treated this way by the other girl. She shifts her weight unsure of what to say. 

 

“Ummm… I was in the neighborhood and I thought, I could drop by and I could give you kimchi? I-I know it’s stupid but I just wanted to apologize for everything I put you through.” Momo bit her lip shyly and bowed hoping the girl would accept her apology. 

 

Instead Chaeyoung let out a small laugh, and her eyes softened a little, a few stars twinkling in them. “Is that how I sounded like when we first met? God I’m embarrassed now.” She held the door open for the Japanese girl. 

 

“Come in.” There was less cold in her tone now.

 

Momo was never as thankful as right now,as she stepped past her ex, into their apartment and the moment she entered she felt like she was home. 

 

Something wet hit the floor, and it was only then that Momo realized she was crying.

 

“I’m home.” She whispered looking at Chaeyoung.

 

Seeing Momo crying in her living room, Chaeyoung started crying too, she was sure the day Momo left that she would never see the sight ever again. “Welcome home Momo.” She said softly, lovingly, a smile on her face. 

 

“Chae I just... I just want to apologize for everything I ever did to hurt you, and I want you to know,” Momo says walking towards the other girl slowly, before grabbing her hands and looking her in the eyes.  “I was an idiot for ever letting you go, for leaving you, and I lied that night I left, I have never, ever stopped loving you, not even for a single second. Chaeyoung I love you. I love you so much.” 

 

Chaeyoung’s breath hitched. Those are the words she’s been dreaming of since Momo left. Looking at Momo she can tell the other girl is telling the truth, it was in her eyes. Just as Momo could see Chaeyoung’s soul in her eyes, the reverse was also true: Chaeyoung could always see Momo’s feelings through her clear warm chocolate ones.

 

So Chaeyoung did the only thing she could think of and embraced Momo, wrapping her in her arms as if worried that the girl would leave her again. 

 

“I love you too. You dumb idiot Momo, me too I never stopped loving you too, babe.” said, hitting Momo with her arms slowly. 

 

Momo held them like that swaying across the room, moving to the rhythm of their heart, neither wanting to let go.

 

“Be mine?” Momo said softly, lifting Chaeyoung’s face to meet hers. 

 

In Chaeyoung’s eyes she could see the universe again, her universe, filled with her own twinkling stars, reflecting the love Chaeyoung had for her. Chaeyoung gave her the brightest smile she had ever seen.

 

 “I’ve always been yours.” She whispered before leaning forwards and capturing Momo’s lips with her own. 

 

Right there in that moment she knew. This is how it’s supposed to feel like.”