tw: negative body/weight talk 

please don't read if you're triggered by it :((  ♡

English isn't my first language so forgive me if there's any mistakes♡

-

Kibum knew the accident had changed him too.

Short istants after his and Jonghyun's bodies flew out of their spinning car he knew his back had collided with a fence, its wooden stake stabbing the middle of his spine.

Three days later he was told that because of the impact Jonghyun had lost his eyesight.

Five years later, Kibum learned that along with the chance of standing for more than ten minutes without a pounding pain crippling his backbone, he had lost his beauty.

He could see it when staring at old photos of him hanging on the walls, reflected on the wide shop windows he, at this point, could barely afford to look at; hidden in the lack of attention or lascivious winks he'd get -much to Jonghyun's pleasure- on the way to his lame, lame workplace.


It was as blatant as the loudest of shouts right now, when he was pitifully staring at the mirror, that taking care of Jonghyun meant neglecting himself. It felt unfair for him to acknowledge that shabby, wretched, poorly dressed reflection as his own.

He'd gained weight, especially on his legs, face and hips.

Do men even get fat on their hips? he wondered while grabbing his fuller side, a frown printed on his forehead.

The place of his once sharp jawline and cheekbones he had prided himself on had been taken by a pair of tubby cheeks, his overall figure looked revoltingly plumper.

Having a blind boyfriend, Kibum had stopped prioritizing his appearance a long time ago.

When his job as a cook required him to stand for hours, preparing indecent amounts of food and ignoring the killing back-pain his slipped vertebra was giving him, he stopped prioritizing making healthy dinners too.

He tried being kind to himself, avoiding harsh guilt-trips had been simple since he was overwhelmingly busy most of the time; with his job, boyfriend, guide dog, house and hospital visits to take charge of he barely had time to think, let alone ruminate on things.

His concerns, though, seemed to have turned into a distressed headache ever since they scheduled a surgery to remove a tiny bone fragment that, according to Doctor Lee Jinki, 'might be putting pressure to Jonghyun's optical nerve'.

Chances were that with a bit of luck, and maybe a couple of prayers, he would regain his eyesight.

Kibum splashed a cold slap of water on his face. Leaning over the sink, he glanced at the drops falling from his drenched eyebrows and lashes.

Tired, tired eyes gazed back at him, surrounded by allarmingly deep dark circles. A stifling routine had stolen the sparkle from both his gaze and skin, which was stained by unfamiliar red spots and blackheads.

He looked like a mess, he was a mess.

He was happy that Jonghyun would be able to see again, but he didn't want his boyfriend to open his eyes to this.

"Honey," a voice called out. "are you getting to bed anytime this year?"

Kibum took a deep breath, he tried his best to keep those negative thoughts away.

When he reached their bedroom, the sight of his bed itself made his bones thrill in anticipation.

"Ow- oow- shi- God." he cried out while laying on the mattress.

"Is everything okay?" Jonghyun asked, their dog's head with the back of his hand.

"Yeah, my back just hurts a little." Kibum narrowed his eyes at the pet, "I thought I told you not to let Minho on the bed?"

"I'll put her down in a second. And stop calling her Minho! it's not like the actual one is going to hear you.."

"Whatever, she's just as huge and annoying- and ugly." he scrunched his nose at Ponyo- that was the brilliant name his lover had taken three months to come up with- receiving a peaceful grin as a response. What a stupid dog, he thought.

"Hey! you're not allowed to call her ugly!"

"Oh, then you would be allowed to call her beautiful? You haven't even seen her. I'm telling you she resembles Minho, how can you even picture her looking beautiful?"

"No other living creature can be as ugly as Minho." A faint smile was plastered on Jonghyun's lips as his hand kept wandering on Ponyo's fur.

 His head seemed to be floating everywhere but on Kibum's words. "You know what I'm most excited to see?"

His heart tightened at his boyfriend's words, "What, the moon?"

"Yeah. But there's a lot of stuff i can't wait to see again! Fireplaces, the snow, sunsets, my sister, Roo- are they still taking care of the garden near the city hall?"

"Oh- no, the ajumma who used to water the flowers has been sent to a nursing home a few months ago, I forgot to tell you." he might have also forgotten to mention that he'd often let their dog empty his bowels on that lawn.

"You should really see Taemin, he's grown up so much."

"Has he?"

"Yeah, everyday that little becomes slyer. He's taller than you now."

"What- no way!" he replied, head snapping towards Kibum.

"As if it was that hard to be taller than you, baby." he giggled.

"Seven years together and you're still a ing like the first day."

"Love you~"

An almost unnoticeable scowl formed on Jonghyun's mouth.

"Apart from the fact that you're a , so many things must have changed..I don't want to waste any more time. I can't wait for the surgery, I'm so impatient I could jump clear out of my skin."

"Uhm, about that.." Kibum gulped. There was no way to sugar-coat it, "I-I..did.. as well."

"You jumped out of your skin?" Jonghyun joked. It got him a smack on his arm.

"No, you blind idiot. I'm saying I have changed."

"Oh.." he paused for a while, then kept scratching ponyo's ears. "And why does it matter? I'm pretty sure I've changed too."

"Actually you aren't all that different-" Kibum began, adjusting a second pillow beneath his back. He'd never get used to the pain. "You just happen more frequently to grow a beard, your nose also has a kind of altered shape, must be because of the crash..." he stopped talking for a couple of seconds to enjoy a full look of the other's face.

"You look...blank."

"Blank?"

"Your eyes are almost...lifeless, empty. expressionless. blank, whatever. It's scary sometimes, mortifying if you actually think about it.."

Their fingers had unconciously interwined and landed on Kibum's hip. Jonghyun's thumb gently drew circles on his boyfriend's hand, probably unaware of the sad shape his lips had shifted into.

"..other than that, your hair is just ugly. It looks like you got it done by some blind person."

"Ah-ah, so funny." he said, playfully pinching Kibum's waist.

"I'm hilarious."

"Your humour is not saving any of us from this conversation though," Jonghyun lifted himself up to a seated position and patted his dog away. "What's wrong with you being different?"

Kibum followed the pet's path towards the bedroom door. Once she turned to her left and disappeared from his sight, no excuses were left to procrastinate answering..

"I just...if this operation works, I just don't want you to be disappointed." he admitted and turned around, unable to even look at the older.


"And why would I be?"


"I...I'm not as good-looking as I used to be, don't expect to open your eyes to anything even remotely close to pretty. " He gulped. "I gained weight, so much we-"


"You think I didn't notice? do you feel my hands going anywhere else than your body when we make love?"


"I'm not sure we're gonna do that anymore once'll you see how scruffy I am. I'm a fat, chalk white, corpse-looking cow."


"You'll always be beautiful to me, and you k-"


"Holy , are you pulling that crap again?" with his voice turning brusquely higher, Kibum was thankful that Jonghyun couldn't see the tears threatening to roll down his eyes. "Don't pretend you don't care about looks. That's what got us together in the first place and don't you dare deny that! I'm- I'm not attractive anymore and I'm terrified you're going to be disgusted."


Antsy rivers of tears were now flowing on his cheeks and forcing his teeth together in an unpleasant gritting sound. 

Containing such great emotional rushes had never been his forte, neither Jonghyun's. That's something they had in common, he didn't know much about astrology but he was pretty sure they both belonged on the weak- side.



"Come here," he felt an arm wrap around his body, and Jonghyun's chest was now gently pressed against his upper back.

The older's hand caressed his side, focusing on the curve of his hip.

"Ow- don't touch my back too much, it hurts..."

"Sorry sorry," he chuckled and pressed his fingers against Kibum's spine in a tender massage. "Is this better?"
 

"..yeah."


"Have I ever told you when I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you?" Jonghyun asked suddenly.


It took Kibum a few moments to understand the question, as he was completely absorbed in the warm sensation pulling at his back. "When you first saw my pictures on instagram?" he replied with lowering eyelids.

After seven years together, romantic phrases like this didn't affect him much. Especially because Jonghyun was cheesy enough to make them an everyday occurence.


"No, that's when I knew I was gonna to you."


"Jesus-"


"Do your remember when we went to the cinema and watched 'The Hangover'? It must have been our fourth date or something."


"Mmh yeah, the funniest movie I've ever seen in my entire life, how could I forget."


"Yeah, you were really amused." Jonghyun remembered, his voice quiet and delicate. "At some point, when the guy began ing the tiger-"

A very familiar witch-like laugh suddenly cut him off.

"Sorry sorry- please go on." Kibum apologized and stopped. 

"The audacity." Jonghyun sighed,"...By the way, you started laughing so, so loudly, everyone was looking at you. It was the most ungraceful, blasting, obscene, horrifying, awkward laugh I had ever heard. I was completely and utterly shocked. For a second, I genuinely considered I might've been sitting next to a moonstruck goose. My ears had never come across a noise so obnoxious, ear-splitting, annoying, deafeni-"


"Yeah, yeah. I got the point." Kibum interrupted, slightly offended.


"-and it was exactly in that moment, with pop-corn stuck in your teeth, coke greasing up your hair, that I thought to myself..."  he took a deep breath and continued,  "Now that is a sound i want to hear for the rest of my life."

He squeezed the younger's hip, feeling it slide silently from his grip as Kibum turned to face him. "It had nothing to do with your physical appearance, I wasn't blind yet."


"You-" An intimate sprout of giggles filled the room as the tips of their noses brushed together.

Kibum's heart felt full as he took in Jonghyun's presence, the comforting warmth of his breaths tingling at his lips.

All the pent-up worries lingering at the pit of his stomach suddenly vanished; something Jonghyun had never failed in - which irrevesibly made Kibum fall for him- was making him feel truly, genuinely, lovingly accepted for who he was.

"And do you know when I decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you?"

"Mhmh." the older replied with a small shake of his head.

"Right now." he whispered softly, stretching his neck and placing a smitten, long peck on Jonghyun's lips.

With a playful grin on his face, he reached for the nightstand and switched off the light. "Up until then it was pretty touch-and-go."

-

i don't even remember when i wrote this?? must have been 2017-2018-ish??  ᕦ(Ò_Óˇ)ᕤ

inspired by a scene from Desperate Housewives ( don't make fun of me please, all i can say in my defense is that i'm queer) ♡