The first time Wonyoung questioned the concept of Love was at the tender age of five.

Even at a very young age, Wonyoung was very observant. She supposes she had to be. When she was younger, she could only listen and watch her parents from afar and gauge if they were getting along, or if their tone meant that they were yelling at each other––to which Wonyoung had learned to just stay away.

Back then it just sounded loud, Wonyoung still hadn’t known what it meant.

Her auntie won-won (Chaewon) used to come by a lot and take Wonyoung away to play together, and when they’d come back two hours later, things would seem fine again between her two moms. But she learns that silence doesn't always mean something good just because it was the opposite of yelling.

Then, her mothers divorced. However, by that time Wonyoung still didn’t know what that actually meant. She only knew that her mama had to move to a different house.

The first night it happened, Wonyoung slept in her mothers’ room; mommy asked her to accompany her, so Wonyoung did. Only this time, she wasn’t snuggled protectively in between her mothers, instead there was a big space left untouched on the right side of the bed. And no matter how much Wonyoung sprawled about, it still felt empty.

She thought that when her mama moved out, the house would feel even emptier. Turns out, it didn’t change much.

Most of her days, her mommy would be working, doing grown up things. So, her auntie won-won would take care of her because mommy was always busy. Her mommy did try to bring Wonyoung everywhere, but just because they were together physically, doesn’t really mean they were together.

Wonyoung supposes she gets a little bit lonely at times.

The only constant in her life had been her auntie won-won and her best friend, Ahn Yujin.

But when she started kindergarten, Wonyoung realized that she really likes one of her teachers. Her name was Lee Chaeyeon, but the class calls her Miss Lee. Her teacher was really nice. She pays attention to Wonyoung a lot, is really interested in what Wonyoung is saying, drawing, what Wonyoung is thinking, what games she likes to play… 

Her teacher had become another constant in her life.

So, it felt just as devastating as her mama moving out when mommy told her that Miss Lee wouldn’t be teaching her anymore. 

Then, not even a week later, she saw her mommy kissing her teacher at her fifth birthday party. Suffice to say, Wonyoung was very confused.

From what Wonyoung knows, her mommy only kisses her mama. Though she hasn’t seen that in a while. Still, it took her by surprise to see her teacher and her mommy kissing. But then they’d explain it to her after that adult couples kiss each other. She didn’t fully understand why, but at that time she didn’t question it.

When they got married, Wonyoung still didn’t question it. She was just happy that her teacher didn’t leave. 

It wasn’t until Wonyoung had witnessed how her teacher and mommy acted so differently from how her mommy and her mama used to act before they separated, that she started to wonder why; why exactly did Chaeyeon and mommy hug and kiss all the time, why didn’t they have arguments that amounted to yelling, why were they so… loving?

“Mommy, why do some adults kiss lips with each other and some don’t?”

The dining table had become quiet. Chaeyeon and Eunbi just stared at each other for a while before looking back at Wonyoung.

“Well…” Her mommy started. “Some adults kiss because they’re in relationships and they’re in love, so they express it with kisses.”

“So, does that mean I can kiss Yujin because I love her?”

Chaeyeon had choked and started coughing. Her mommy tapped Chaeyeon’s back––again––lovingly. Mommy gave her a small smile. “It’s different, Wonnie. I kiss Chaeyeon because I’m in love with her. But mommy won’t kiss aunt Hitomi because we’re not in love.”

“So I can’t kiss Yujin?”

Mommy chuckles. “No, baby.”

“I’m confused, mommy.”

“It’s okay. You’ll understand when you’re older, Wonnie.”

++

At eight years old, Wonyoung thinks she finally understands what love is.

At eight years old, Wonyoung had a crush on a boy from school. It was during recess in her third year of primary school when she met him on the playground. They shared the same homeroom, but they haven’t talked much besides the occasional “good mornings” and “have you done the math homework from yesterday?”.

She sat on the swings alone today because Yujin had gotten into a fight with another student and had to spend recess inside the classroom. 

The boy had approached her shyly and Wonyoung gave him a small smile. (Mommy always taught her to be friendly). He sat next to her on the other swing, and pulled out a sandwich from his backpack. 

To Wonyoung’s surprise, he had offered Wonyoung his sandwich, and when Wonyoung questioned him, the boy said it was just because he wanted to.

When school ended, Wonyoung couldn’t wait to get home to talk about it with her mommy. But before that, she sprinted across the hallways to where Chaeyeon waited in the preschool teaching lounge. As they went home together, Wonyoung had told Chaeyeon everything that had happened in recess––all the while still blushing.

“Chaeyeon, I’m in love!”

“Are you now?” There was a humorous glint in the woman’s eyes.

“I think so.” 

Wonyoung told her mommy the same thing when she got home, and that she wants to kiss him.

Her mommy and Chaeyeon looked at each other amusingly, before her mommy said she wouldn’t get to kiss anyone (on the lips) until she was at least 20 years old.

That had put a damper on Wonyoung’s mood slightly.

But when she sees the boy in homeroom the day after, him taking over the table beside hers, Wonyoung says to herself that she could wait a few more years to kiss him. She was in love, after all.

++ 

Two months later, Wonyoung had her heart broken by the same boy when she saw him offer his sandwich to another girl. 

Wonyoung had been pouting all throughout the day. When they were packing their bags, getting ready to go home, her best friend Yujin asked what was wrong. Naturally, Wonyoung told her what happened.

Yujin got really angry and said she was going to punch him for hurting Wonyoung. “Don’t hold me back, Wonnie,” Yujin snarls. “I’m gonna make him pay!”

But Wonyoung doesn't believe in violence, and she tells Yujin he’s not worth getting in trouble for.

Surprisingly, Wonyoung got over it pretty quickly. Especially with Yujin having convinced her mom to let her have a sleepover at Wonyoung’s house. They had so much fun that Wonyoung already felt much better the next day. Although, Wonyoung couldn’t stop herself from yawning every once in a while. And it probably had something to do with them staying up late past bedtime to read a book together, in the dark, with a flashlight under the covers.

++

At 13, Wonyoung realizes that boys are starting to have a crush on her. Though, she doesn’t get why they were so... aggressive. It was nothing like how her mommy had described it. The boys didn’t do nice things for her, they didn’t write her any poems or notes, or bought her any flowers. They just went up to her with a stupid grin and asked her to “go out.”

Where was the romance that Wonyoung had so often seen in movies? Were they all just lies?

But her friends had told her she was so lucky. Especially that time when a boy from the soccer team, who was two years her senior, had asked her out. Before she even said yes, they all had started looking at her expectedly, nodding enthusiastically, convincing her to accept. All the girls on her table started squealing when the boy left after Wonyoung had (insincerely) said yes.

It happens routinely for Wonyoung. Every few months or so, she would go on “dates” (if you could even call it that) with boys that had asked her out––Though never with the same person twice, because Wonyoung finds out early on in those dates that they didn’t really care about Wonyoung beyond her looks, or trying to get her to do their homework, or just being able to say they had a girlfriend.

Pass.

She knows none of them are worth it. But Wonyoung just wanted to be nice. And she had gotten the impression that this is what it means to grow up. This is what teenagers do––heck, it’s what everyone around her is doing.

Obviously, nothing ever came out of it.

She’d go home feeling absolutely, mentally drained.

Wonyoung often went home from dates and took a shower to wash away the scent of those boys who tried to kiss her. She had said no almost every time. And when she didn’t say no, she’d usually regret it afterwards. When the boys would try to kiss her again, Wonyoung would turn her cheek and reject them politely, asking them to be friends instead.

She scrubs at her cheek until the skin feels raw, and until she feels less dirty.

Freshly showered, she’d go hang with her mom and Chaeyeon to forget about the date. When they’d ask her how her date went, Wonyoung would either shrug or say, “it was fine” and they would know that it clearly wasn't. Still, they didn't press Wonyoung to tell them.

Before she goes to bed, she would get a text from Yujin asking her if she was home already. Wonyoung would reply with something along the lines of, “Yep, where else would I be?”

Yujin would then proceed to ask her how her date went on a scale of Fine to Dying Would Have Been More Entertaining. They’d come up with that specific scale after Wonyoung’s third date that went horribly. (The boy hadn’t showered after his soccer match and didn’t bring money to watch a movie).

Wonyoung gave her best friend a variation of the same answer, “was horrible”, “sometimes I just wish I wasn’t pretty”, “what’s a synonym for bleghhh?” and proceeded to tell Yujin the details. Yujin was the only one who didn’t judge Wonyoung for how much she hates going on dates, unlike her other friends.

“You should’ve hung out with me instead,” Yujin would reply.

And yes, Wonyoung agrees completely. She’d much rather hang out with Yujin than any of those boys.

++

At 16 years old, Wonyoung struggles with the fact that she doesn’t like boys––that she’s a lesbian.

At first, she came out to her friends as Biual––because that, they could understand. Somewhat. She hated lying and misusing a label, but it was just easier. Liking girls and boys was acceptable.

Some girls are just that pretty, they had said.

But only liking girls? Her friends would have laughed at her.

(Maybe not Yujin. But then again, Yujin was different than those other girls).

“But you like guys too, right?” one of her friends asked.

“Of course.”

Of course, deep down, Wonyoung knew that that was a complete lie. Because when she’s in the cafeteria and her friends would unashamedly talk about the boy that just passed their table, Wonyoung doesn't get it. He has a nice face, Wonyoung could agree. His body was aesthetically nice to look at. But…

Was she attracted to them?

No. Not at all. Not a chance.

And when her friends talk about how they envy the senior girls in school, Wonyoung doesn’t get it either. Her friends would gossip about how the boys they were crushing on had girlfriends, and they would look at those girls with utter jealousy. Wonyoung doesn’t get it.

Wonyoung doesn’t look at those girls with envy. She just thinks they're pretty. Too pretty. Absolutely, breathtakingly gorgeous.

But Wonyoung doesn’t dare admit that to her friends. She was scared of what they would think of her.

Yujin had pulled her to the side after lunch, taking her to the empty restroom when they were supposed to be in class. Yujin engulfs Wonyoung in a hug.

Immediately, Wonyoung started sobbing in her friend’s embrace.

“I don’t see you any differentl