Jungeun heard crack noises from the door as it opened. She quickly raised her head, seeing Jinsoul across her, who’s closing the door silently. Jinsoul thought her family was already asleep. 

Jinsoul wasn’t aware there was someone waiting for her across the room as the area was pitch dark. Jinsoul walked, tiptoed, towards their spiral stairs when someone suddenly the lamp from the side table, causing Jinsoul to curse under her breath.  “Jesus Christ! You almost kill me, Jungeun!” Jinsoul inhaled deeply to collect herself. When her heartbeats calmed down, she formed a smile. “Hi,” she greeted, whispering. “Why are you still awake?” 

Jungeun didn’t answer her. Her wife was just staring silently at her eyes. Jungeun is sitting on the sofa, arms crossed over her chest, legs crossed as well. Jinsoul slightly felt scared when frustrations slowly crept on Jungeun’s face. “You’re late.” The shorter woman finally spoke.

“Yeah,” Jinsoul scratched her head. “We had to finish the preparations for the vegetables and fruits orders next week. There were tons of orders from companies. We needed to wrap up everything before the holidays.” She explained. Jinsoul owns a company that produces vegetables and fruits. Growing in the countryside, Jinsoul learned to produce the basic essentials from her parents. She made a business through her parents’ landscape. From a simple and small company, it’s becoming huge now. That only means the orders from the buyers are massive.

Jungeun shut her eyes momentarily. The taller woman didn’t understand clearly what Jungeun was trying to say. So, she repeats, “You’re late.” 

Jinsoul frowned. “Yeah, I just…” She tilted her head, trying to decipher everything. She just explained why she was late but why does Jungeun— “Oh, my God,” she whispers, covering with her hands. It hits her now. Panic is slowly rushing through her. Oh, my God. She thought. 

“You remember it now?” Jungeun spats sarcastically. It’s Choerry’s recognition day and Jinsoul was supposed to be there with them. She promised her family that she’ll leave work early for this event. She promised. But that isn’t the main concern Jungeun wanted to say. Jinsoul knows that. The look from her wife’’s eyes told her so. She should be there because it’s her obligation and responsibility as Choerry’s mother. 

“I…” She pauses. Jinsoul couldn’t find the right words to say. She knows Jungeun was already annoyed and disappointed. She doesn’t want to make things worse than it already is. “I totally forgot—”

“You always forgot!” Jungeun bats, accidentally raised her voice an octave higher. “That’s the problem with you. You always forgot.” Jungeun stands, walking across Jinsoul, who is still covering with her hands. “If you don’t forget, it’s either you’re late. It’s always been like that since when? Two or three years ago? Last Christmas, last family outing, last Choerry’s school days. When are you going to change? When do you plan to learn to change?” Jungeun grasped her fist, stopping the rush of punching her wife’s shoulder. She felt the burning sensation to her face, to her cheeks. 

Jinsoul saw a glimpse of Jungeun’s arms. It’s shaking. It’s shaking because she’s mad. And what breaks Jinsoul’s heart more is knowing that she’s the reason for her wife’s sudden storm. 

Jinsoul’s vision is blurry now because of her tears. She couldn’t take Jungeun getting hurt or mad. She wanted to reach for her wife but her hands felt like heavy bricks. 

She failed again. She thought. 

“I didn’t sign up for this, Jinsoul.” Jungeun muttered in a serious tone, turning away. She bites her lower lip to prevent the noise from escaping from . When Jungeun saw the expression from Jinsoul’s face, tears were coming out. 

Jinsoul grasped her hands harder and harder until her knuckles turned white. The tears from her eyes are flowing so badly that she could feel the drops to her collarbones. And Jungeun heard it. She heard Jinsoul’s cries. But she didn’t look back. If this was Jinsoul’s first time in committing a mistake, she may forgive her wife. But Jinsoul made it so many times that she lost counts now. And yet, she did it again today. 

Jungeun walks away, avoiding the taller woman as she didn't want Jinsoul to see her wet eyes and cheeks. She’s mad, that’s the truth. She’s so mad that she could throw a thing or two somewhere. But she doesn’t know why she’s standing there and crying silently instead. "I am so tired, Jinsoul.” She admitted quietly. “I have to drive Choerry to school every morning, run the business after that. When I come home, I need to cook dinner for us, or for Choerry as you are late most of the time.” She brushes her hair using her hand. She inhaled deeply. “We’re married, Jinsoul. We already have a child too. But why do I feel like I’m alone most of the time? Why do I feel like I’m raising this family all by myself? Your absence is so significant now that I couldn’t care less. But today, I have had enough. If only I knew this would be my situation now, I wish I didn’t marry you in the first place.”

Jinsoul’s eyes wide opened as her mind processed the words. Jungeun’s latter sentence stabbed her heart like sharp knives, breaking it into a million pieces. The words keep ringing and ringing in her head as she watches Jungeun walking upstairs, leaving her behind. No more words, just deafening silence. 

When Jinsoul heard the door closed from their bedroom, she fell on her knees. Her knees suddenly felt like noodles, losing its strength. Her lips were trembling so bad that she couldn’t stop them anymore. Her tears are causing rivers on the floor. She slowly brings her shaken and unstable hands around her head, completely caging her face. And as if on cue, Jinsoul’s sobs loudly. She couldn’t take the pain anymore. She needed to take them out. And she didn’t control herself this time. 

She doesn’t know if it’s the stress from work, or the latter words of Jungeun, or just the fact that she is a complete failure. She failed as a mother and as a partner. She failed again and again and again. She never learned. 

She was too busy to notice that her family now is loosening the grip with her, the thing she never wishes to happen. She thought working hard to support Choerry was okay, yet, it’s asking her for an exchange. A heavier trade than she ever imagined.

Her silent cries turned loud sobs. Her tears are dropping against the floor. Her body was moving up and down as she sobs. 

Since the day she became Jungeun’s friend, who later became her girlfriend, she promised to herself that she will protect Jungeun at all cost. The moment she saw the brightness on Jungeun’s smiles, she promised to give her the best of the worlds regardless of the consequences. When she opened the door of Jungeun’s heart, she promised to guard it with her. She’ll hold the key to it if need be. When she married Jungeun, she promised to hold her wife’s hands for better or for worse and to never look at others. When Choerry came out of this world, she promised to become the best mother for their daughter. And yet, here she is, bending down on the floor, feeling worthless, crying like a child. 

She broke her promise to protect her wife at all costs. She brought darkness on Jungeun instead of sunshine, causing Jungeun to close the door in her heart now. Worst is if she locks it. The key that she’s supposed to hold is now meaningless. She failed to bring the best from all worlds. Jungeun is letting go of Jinsoul’s hand which Jinsoul promised to hold forever. She was way too focused on her work when she’s supposed to focus on her family. That includes her duty as Choerry’s mother. She failed again and again and again. How could she forgive herself from these mistakes? She never learned.

Jinsoul, once again, cries so loud against the floor. Her voice is now hoarse.

“Jinsoul!” 

Kim Lip screamed so loud that it echoed through her room. She’s sitting on her bed, gasping for air. It’s a dream. She thought loudly. She quickly grabbed the bottled water from the side table and drank it all up in one go. Bringing water in her room became her tradition after Jinsoul died. Her peaceful nights were limited because of these dreams. Or was it nightmares?

When her heartbeats were settling normally, she lay her back down to her bed flatly and put an arm to cover her sight. That’s when she realized she’s sweating. The bits of sweats are falling on her temples. 

This isn’t the first time that she woke up from a dream in the middle of the night. This became her routine since five years ago that it became normal to her now. She wanted to see a therapist that could help her but she’s way too confident this will pass. Five years later, she’s still having it. Kim Lip throws the comforter to her side and decides to stand up from the bed. She can’t sleep anyway so what’s the use of closing her eyes.

As she made it to the living room, she saw the wall clock that says 3:15 AM. It’s still early. She still has hours left before she prepares breakfast and brings Choerry to the school. And yet she found herself standing in the veranda, welcoming the cold breeze of the air outside. 

The stars are glowing above her. That beautiful sight immediately brought Jinsoul to her. Her wife loves stargazing. She remembered the time where they escaped from the party just to watch the stars from a beach. The sounds of waves, the brushing of the air against their ears, the wet and cold sand under their hips, her head leaning on the crook of Jinsoul’s neck, their hands that hold each other, just simply bloom Kim Lip’s heart a million times. If she will choose between a fancy dinner date and that, she will never hesitate to choose that. Jinsoul helped her realize that a simple date could become fancy. Watching a movie together on the couch with no words escaping from their mouth is okay and is normal. The comforting silence when she’s with Jinsoul made Kim Lip learn the true meaning of quality time. 

Kim Lip sniffled. Her cheeks are wet again because of her tears. She wished her wife was still alive so they could redo their dates again. She wished that she could hold her, embrace her, so she could feel Jinsoul’s warmth again. She wished.

The silence that she once thought was comforting, is now disturbing as it brings her again to the day she lost her beloved wife.

"Do you have any other concerns?" Jungeun asked the panel. As the CEO of a multinational technology company, she needs to clear everything before dismissing everyone in the meeting. They are on the stage of testing and upgrading their new models before releasing them to the country.

"No other question, Miss President." Someone from her left answered.

She nodded, collecting the papers from her table. “You’re dismissed now.” She finally announced. The people were slowly and silently exiting the conference room until Jungeun was left alone.

A lot of her employees were surprised to see that their jolly and funny President became silent now. No senses of humor escaped from , no smiles. It’s new for them and yet, they’re scared to ask what’s the problem. They never thought of crossing the line.

Jungeun leaned her back to the chair, covering her sight. Jinsoul’s loud cries yesterday night are still ringing in her head. She remembered at the time she heard it, she wanted to run towards her wife and ask for forgiveness. But instead, she found herself crying inside their room, silently and alone. It hurts her seeing and hearing Jinsoul like that. But if that’s the only way for Jinsoul to learn, she’ll do that.

She expected Jinsoul was sleeping next to her the next morning, but the other side of the bed was empty. When she’s getting down from their spiral staircase, she expected Jinsoul to be in the kitchen, cooking something as she welcomes Jungeun, but the kitchen was clear. There were only plates of food on the table. Jungeun was expecting a note, a simple note along with the food, and yet there was nothing. She takes this as a sign that Jinsoul is giving her space. Jinsoul always does that since they dated. Jinsoul always makes sure Jungeun’s storm settles to normal before speaking to her about their problems. 

But Jungeun somehow wanted the opposite today. 

She later found out that Jinsoul was already in their office when she woke up. A coworker of Jinsoul told Jungeun over the phone. Jinsoul was already inside her office when the coworker entered their building. Jinsoul also filed a week of leave after they settled all of the orders for this month. Jungeun smiled. At least her wife is making progress. 

Jungeun noticed the door of the conference room swung open. She saw Vivi, her secretary, walking silently towards her direction. Jungeun quickly raised her hand, gesturing to Vivi to stop whatever she wanted to say. She doesn’t want to hear it. She’s not in the mood now. 

“You can go home now,” Jungeun demanded instead. It’s already late though. “Don’t wait for me.” Jungeun now exited the room, leaving Vivi in the corner. She