It’s painful,

But I wonder if I can hold it

No no no, is it okay to just be friends that never part?

 

 

 “Why the long-face, Jeongyeon-chan?”

Momo tilted her head to look at her childhood friend, who was in classroom duty with her that day, and was furiously erasing the board.

“Nothing, Moguri.”

Momo felt a little insulted that her friend would even try lying to her. As if they were not friends since birth?

The taller girl continued to clean the classroom, but hearing no sound from her friend made her look up. Momo’s silence is scarier than her words because Momo is never silent.

“That sigh could be heard to the other building, Mo.”

Momo pouted. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

“No.”

“Fine.”

Momo picked up her things and pretended to walk out when Jeongyeon ran after her and grabbed her arm. Momo really can manipulate her easily.

 “Okay, I’ll tell you okay, but don’t tell anyone! Even Sana! You’re so talkative that everybody knew my secret crush last time!”

“Hey, I apologized for that! It was not my fault someone overheard us!” Momo tickled Jeongyeon who was glaring at her until she smiled. Momo never failed to make her smile, she makes the funniest ugly faces or in sometimes, releases her aegyo. Her best friend can never fail to make her feel better and she’s thankful for that.

She took a deep breath and looked at the eager face of her best friend of sixteen years.

“It’s Mina.”

Momo’s eyebrows crinkled. “Oh. What about her?”

“She’s---well, she and Nayeonie...” she swallowed before she can have the words go out. “They…they’re together.”

Momo’s eyes widened. “Eeeeeeeh? Mina… didn’t tell me anything! Maybe they’re, you know, just friends?”

“Ji Hyo confirmed to me that they are more than that.”

“Oh, I am sorry Jeong…I knew how much you liked her.”

Jeongyeon was silent and just looked outside. The beautiful Kyoto spring brings about the prettiest cherry blossoms (if she may say herself) but the scene didn’t lighten her rotten mood even a little.

Momo clapped her hands together. “Tell you what, I’ll treat you with takoyaki on our way home!” Trust Momo to cheer her up with food but she shook her head. “Not today, Momoring, I want to go home and just sleep.”

Momo went closer to her and suddenly hit her head.

“Yah!”

“You can’t do anything about it, so what’s the use of moping? Let’s just get the tastiest takoyaki and let’s eat it on the riverbank on our way home!” Momo pulled her to go outside but Jeongyeon was not having it. The older girl held her ground and pulled her arm away from Momo’s grasp.

“Just let it go, Mo! Can’t you understand?? I—I am not in the mood for anything right now!”

 She picked her bag and went out first, leaving Momo standing there, shocked.

It was the first time that Jeongyeon raised her voice at her.

And her heart broke a little.

 

 

Jeongyeon cannot help feel guilty when she saw Momo’s hurt face. She sighed. She knows Momo just want to cheer her up and she snapped at her. She sighed again and rode her bicycle home. She’s just going to apologize tomorrow, Jeongyeon thought.

 

Momo, on the other hand, went ahead to buy that takoyaki and went to the sit on the bench at the riverbank where they often stay. She was muttering to herself that her best friend is stupid, she told her to confess many times before but she chickened out and reasoned out that she doesn’t want to ruin their friendship.

And now she was too late.

“Was it may fault? Does she have to snap at me?? Tsk!” Momo attacked the takoyaki she was eating and chewed furiously. They’ve been friends since they were in nappies and she knows Jeongyeon inside out. Jeongyeon is the outgoing one between the two of them, Momo is the shy and introvert one. It was surprising that they jive despite personality differences, but since their moms are best friends, they tended to stay at each other’s houses more often, play together, study together and do almost everything together.  She knew all of Jeongyeon’s crushes and then eventually, her girlfriends, and yet, she knew that deep-inside it was Mina whom she liked the most.

Mina had been their classmate since their freshmen year, and had been their friend too. She is very pretty, smart and member of the dance club with Momo. She was kind of trying to help Jeongyeon to be noticed by Mina and Mina would just giggle or smile when she does, making Momo thought that her best friend has a chance. Who could resist her charismatic judo player friend? So hearing about Mina and Nayeonie surprised Momo.

“Momo-neechan?"

Momo look up and saw their friend, Chaeyoungie. Chaeyoung is two years younger than them, but since she is a friend of Jeongyeon, she became a member of their exclusive clique along with her two classmates, Dahyun and Tzuyu. She gestured Chae to sit beside her and offered her some takoyaki, to which the girl accepted.

“Why are you alone? Where is Jeonyeonie?”

Momo just shrugged and continued to eat. It was weird for the younger girl, because the two seems to be connected by the hip. It was actually the first time that she saw them not together.

“Did you fight?”

“No.”

“Why are you sulking?”

“I am not.”

“You should see your face, it’s ugly.”

“Chaengie!”

Chae laughed and look at the view in front of them. On the opposite part of the river are cherry trees in full bloom line the shore and with the sun almost setting down, the sky is a combination of different colors. Inspired, she pulled her art materials and tried to catch the kaleidoscope of colors.

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to catch the sunset. Shhhh... I have to concentrate.”

Momo watched as the young painter worked and she marveled on how good she was in combining paint and colors. As soon as the sun had set, she had finished her art work. She also includes the two of them sitting on the bench on her painting.

“Wow, you’re good! I wish I could paint like you”

Chaeyoung blushed at the older’s compliment. “Thank you! I just paint when I am inspired and the view was too pretty to pass.”

Momo borrowed the canvas and Chaeyoung saw that Momo liked it. “Do you want to have it?”

Momo’s eyes widened. “Really? You’d sell it to me?!”

“I can just give it to you. I had a lot of art works at our house.”

“Wow, can you sign it for me please? So that when you get famous, I can boast this artwork.”

Chae laughed. She wrote “Sunset in Kyoto” and signed it. Momo hugged it and in turn hugged her younger friend, feeling a lot better.

 

 

Headsets in full volume, Jeongyeon was drowning her sadness listening to her favorite rock band and didn’t notice her phone was ringing until her door opened and someone flipped the light switch.

“Jeongyeon! I was calling you but you were not accepting the call!” It was her oldest sister, Seungyeon.

“I’m sorry oneesan. Why what’s wrong?”

“Mayu-sama called, she was asking if Momo is here?”

“She’s not yet home?”
“Will her mom call here if she is?” her sister retorted sarcastically.

“I—I don’t know oneesan…I went home first. I thought she will go home after I left.”

“Well, obviously she didn’t. Did you two had a fight? What did you do now?”

“No! Why did you think it’s my fault?”

“So you did fight.” Seungyeon smirked.

“No! We didn’t, but I was not in the mood and kinda shouted at her…”

“Yoo Jeongyeon! I swear you---“

“Why are you taking her side, I am your sister!”

“And I know you well enough!”

“That’s not fair!”

“Well, go and look for her before her mom gets too worried.” her sister then left the room. She tried to contact Momo but her phone is off. She changed clothes and went out the gate on her bike when she saw Momo walking with another girl. She squinted and recognized Chayeoung. Chae saw her and called and waved but Momo said her goodbye and turned to their house and went in without a word to Jeongyeon.

“Hi unnie!”

“Chaengie.”

“You two had a fight?”

“No.”

Chaengie shrugged but she doesn’t believe it at the least. “Okay if you say so. Good night, unnie.”

Jeongyeon looked at the direction of Momo’s room, and she saw that the light was on. She was debating whether she will talk to Momo tonight but thought better off it. Momo will just be more annoyed if she talks to her tonight. She’ll just let her get off steam tonight. Anyway, Momo couldn’t stay angry at her even for one hour, she’s sure Momo will call her tonight.

 

 

But Momo didn’t call.

Nevertheless, Jeongyeon prepared a bento for Momo and made sure that she put all her favorite food. She biked to the house next door and saw Mrs. Hirai watering the plants.

“Good morning, Mayu-sama. Is Momo ready for school?”

“Oh dear, I thought she was with you. She had already left so early in the morning, saying that they have dance practice.”

Oh.

Jeongyeon smiled and bowed. She biked to school, stomach churning.

She knows Momo’s schedule like the back of her hand. She hoped that her hunch is wrong, and she is doubtful that that it’s the reason. Biking faster, she is determined to look for Momo before their classes starts.

 

 

Yep. Momo is avoiding her.

At first, Jeong was not able to see her in any known places where they hang out in school. There was no dance practice scheduled and she texted all their friends and no one had seen Momo.

As the bell rang, she saw Momo slid to her seat without looking at her. She was supposed to approach her but the teacher arrived so she was not able to do so. She got a piece of paper and wrote a note for Momo to meet her after but the girl crumpled the paper without reading it. After class, Momo went out quickly without a backward glance.

Nayeon raised her eyebrows seeing Momo’s vacant seat. She walked towards Jeongyeon who was fixing her bag.

“Anything wrong with Momo-chan?”

“I dunno.”

Nayeon sensed Jeongyeon doesn’t want to talk to her so she shrugged and turned away, not noticing how Jeongyeon gripped her bag, preventing herself not to lash out at their older friend, Nayeon for dating Mina. She stopped short and tried to control herself. Momo being angry at her is enough, she doesn’t need the whole gang to ask her what’s wrong,

 

 

“Is this seat taken?”

Jeongyeon looked up from her lunch and gestured at the seat across her. The girl smiled and put down her lunch.

“Hi, Jeongyeon-chan,  how you’ve been?”

“Just fine Sakura. You?”

“Dandy.” She looked around. “First time I didn’t see Hirai with you.”

“Busy.”

“Really. You two had broken up?”

What’s wrong with people not seeing Momo with her? Jeongyeon raised her eyebrow to her ex-girlfriend of two months. “We were not together like that.”

Sakura shrugged. “I thought you two had already hooked up.”

“We’re best friends, you know that.”

“Of course I do, I just thought you two would finally figure it out.”

“Figure out what?”

Sakura then laugh aloud. “You really are so clueless Jeong.”

“Sakura.. if you’re not going to tell me, feel free to look for another table, I want to eat my lunch in peace.”

“Touche. Okay, so you remember why we broke up?”

“You cited irreconcilable differences.”

“Well yeah, I said that. But honestly, I never thought that we would have worked out. Because I saw you didn’t love me. I know you cared for me, but the way you took care of Hirai, and the smile you have whenever she’s around, it’s different than with what we had. The way you two moved, it’s like you were so attuned to each other, and when you wrap her around your arms so naturally… I kind of envy that.”

“We had it, Sakura, until you broke up with me.”

Sakura smiled sadly and cover her free hand which was at the table. “I figured out I had to get out before I fall more with you and get hurt.”

Jeongyeon was silent as Sakura let go of her hands and ate her lunch. Was she in love with her best friend?

No, I just care for her more since we had been best friends since we were young.

It cannot be true, right? what does her ex know?

But why does it feel empty right now that Momo is not here?

Sakura watch as different emotions passed across Jeongyeon’s face: confusion, denial and then apprehension.

“If you don’t believe me, you could ask your other exes. I don’t have any grudge with Hirai, she’s a sweet person. I cannot control that that’s just the way you treat her, even with our conversation, there’s always Momo this, Momo that. She’s always there with us, like, there’s three of us in that relationship, and yet, I cannot be jealous because I know you didn’t do it on purpose. You two are just like that.”

Sakura stood up and bowed to Jeongyeon. Jeong stood up and bowed too before her knees felt weak. She sank to her seat and just stared at nothingness until the bell rang and she needed to go to her class. She will find Momo later. She needed to talk to the girl before she goes crazy.

 

 

“Hey.”

“Minari.”

“Why didn’t you eat lunch with Jeongyeon-chan? She had been looking all over for you.”

Momo was in their building’s rooftop and had been eating alone, which is puzzling to Mina.

“You two had a fight?”

Momo didn’t answer her question but asked Minari something that has been bugging her.

“Since when…you and Nayeonie?”

Mina tucked her hair behind her ear and giggled shyly. “It’s just over a month.”

Momo looked down and with a sigh she said, “I see.”

Concern filled Mina’s eyes. “Are you angry at me for not telling you Momoring? I’m sorry..it’s just that I dunno how to…Sana was pouting when I told her but of course I have reservations, you know parents might get angry and…”

“No, I’m not angry, Mitang…I—I am just wondering…”

“Yes, Mo?”

“Why Nayeonie? I mean, Jeongie-chan likes you very much and---“

“I see. Well, Nayeonie is pretty, and smart and she likes me—“

“But Jeongyeon too! Why—“

“Because my Momo-chan, she’s yours, why would I bother to accept her feelings?”

Momo gaped at Mina like a fish out of the water.

“Wh---what? Of course not! Jeong likes you very much---“

“And I do too, as a friend. But I didn’t want to ruin our friendship and hurt you Momoring…”

“Of course you won’t Jeong doesn’t like me like that.”

“Ah, but you do. Whenever we have pair work, you two would always choose each other first. You are like magnets, one look and you two know what you are thinking. If I said yes to Jeongyeon, she will choose me and that will leave you alone Momoring so I didn’t.”

“So you didn’t accept her feelings…just because of me?”

“No, Momo are you not listening? I like Nayeonie, and Jeongyeonie is more like a big sister to me. But you, you need to stop hiding your feelings behind your friendship and confess to her.”

Momo looked horrified. She doesn’t like Jeongyeon like that, does she?

“Mina, she’s my best friend, of course I love her.”

“And I love you too. But do you feel the same way between Jeong and I?”

“That’s unfair Minari. Youre both my friends—“

“..and you two knew each other the longest, yada yada. But why do you look for Jeong in those people who were courting you? You look for her qualities on those people that nobody passes your standards.”

“I don’t---“

“And even if you don’t, I see how Jeongyeonie is specially taking care of you. We’re all friends here, but you are the only one Jeongyeon tutors for the exams, brings bento for, takes to festivals, dines with to his dad’s restaurant and allows to touch her legos.”

“She likes you. I’m just her friend.” Momo softly said, almost inaudible.

Mina shrugged. “Okay, if you say so. But you two had been so clueless that it has been so annoying to see.” Mina patted Momo’s arm and turned to leave.

Momo hung her head. She didn’t know what to say how to convince Mina. Or moreover, how she will convince herself otherwise.  

 

 

Three days passed and her friend had been avoiding her like a plague. Momo had been spending her lunch with some of her members from the dance club that it hindered Jeongyeon to talk to the girl alone. Momo doesn’t return her texts, nor answer the door when she goes next door. She wondered if  Momo was just angry because she shouted at her the other day, but Momo usually doesn’t hold grudges and this is the longest time that they didn’t talk to each other. Jeongyeon had practiced how she’s going to apologize to Momo, by having tickets to the amusement park but it’s already Day 4 and she still wasn’t able to talk to the girl. She sighed. Is it the end of their friendship?

 

 

In truth Momo just needed time to think.

She’s still confused on what Mina had said that she liked her friend more than what friends do. She’s afraid that her feelings would ruin everything. She is sure her friend doesn’t like her that way, does she?

But three days without talking to Jeongyeon and she felt her heart is going to burst. She was used to tell the girl everything: how her day went, what food they are going to eat, who annoyed her in class… she saw that their favorite idol is going to have a comeback and yet, she doesn’t have anyone to share it with. She realized that they have done everything together, and now that they haven’t talked to one another for days, she felt that there’s a big part of her that is missing—that she misses her.

But missing her as a friend is one thing, but is she in love with her?

She went back to what Mina had said earlier: You look for her in every one who is trying to court you. Did I? Of course who wouldn’t look for someone funny, courteous, studious, great in sports and loves to eat? It’s not her fault that they don’t have those qualities---and that her friend has it.

So who am I trying to convince, me or myself?

 

 

The next day, Momo decided she had to talk to Jeongyeon. Pride be damned, she misses her friend so much. She decided that she will talk to her during lunch but as she walk into the cafeteria, she saw that Jeongyeon was eating lunch with a tall, pretty girl, and she was sitting on Momo’s place. She saw Jeongyeon threw her head back in laughter with what the pretty girl had said and that she seemed to be having a great time.

Momo’s appetite had suddenly disappeared.

Confirmed, her friend doesn’t feel the same as she does. Because she feels like , yet her friend looks happy. Without her.

Momo went up to the rooftop, hugged her knees and cried.

 

 

Jeongyeon had tried to find Momo everywhere after class however she was unsuccessful to find the raven-haired girl.

Dejectedly, she went home and as she courses through the bike lane near the riverpark, she could hear laughter. Jeongyeon slowly biked towards the familiar sound and confirmed that it was Momo—with Chaeyoung.

An unfamiliar heat course through Jeongyeon’s veins and seems to reach her face, she could feel her face warming. She had been worried sick and yet Momo is just hanging out with Chaeyoung, without any care in the world?

Without further thought she approached where the two were and went down her bike.

“Momo!”

Mochaeng’s laughter were suspended in the air and they both look at a fuming Jeongyeon. Momo stood up and thinking there was something wrong, worryingly asked, “Jeong! Is there something wrong?”

She grabbed Momo’s bag on one hand and the other grabbed her friends arm. “Cmon, we’re going home.”

“What? Why? I can’t Chaeyoung and I still—“

“I said, we’re going home. Now.”

Chaeyoung stood up to say something but was shoot down by Jeongyeon’s murderous look. Momo pulled her arm back but Jeongyeon’s grip is too tight.

“Yah! Yoo Jeongyeon!”

“Get your bike, we are going home.”

“I don’t want—“

“Momo, go. I’ll just see you tomorrow okay?” Chaeyoung smiled awkwardly, knowing that there was something simmering between the two.

Momo bowed to Chaeyoung and let Jeongyeon drag her. When they were out of Chaeyoung’s earshot, Momo pulled her arm away forcefully.

  “What’s your problem, Yoo Jeongyeon?? First you shouted at me even I was just cheering you up and now you are acting so barbaric! Chae was just helping me out and you were so outright rude!”

Jeongyeon opened to say something but no sound came out. How can she tell Momo that she was her problem?

“If you are broken hearted over Mina then go and mope in your house! I dunno what’s wrong with you but if you—“

“You! You are my problem!”

Momo was beyond astonished and scoffed. “Me? I am your problem? How does this become my fault?”

“I, I—“

“Look, I think you are still beyond yourself, why don’t you take a rest and mull about it over for a day, I’ll just leave you to do whatever you wanted to do—“

“I’m jealous.”

Momo’s eyes bulged. “You’re what???!”

Jeongyeon sighed and helplessly flail her arms, wanting to explain to Momo what she really feels inside, if she can understand it first herself. “I, I just want to talk to you Mo, about, about Mina but when I saw you happy earlier with Chaeyoung, and very happy, I dunno--something just snapped inside me!”

“And how that became my problem Yoo Jeongyeon?” Momo asked, eyebrow raised. Jeongyeon’s mouth opened then closed. She gulped. It’s now or never.

“Mo, I realized that, well, it’s actually Sakura who made me realize that—“

“Sakura? As in your cheerleader-ex-girlfriend Sakura? When do you talk? Wow you haven’t talked in a year--

“Just two days ago, since you’re avoiding me, as I was saying Sakura made me realize that—“

“Wow, I never thought you are still hung up in her, anyway, Sakura is the most decent you have dated and—“

“Hirai Momo! Just listen to me, I am trying to tell you I have feelings for you here!!”

Momo looked at her best friend of 16 years, expecting to see the that mischievous glint in her eyes and the usual smirk on , but today, it was not there. Her best friend looked dead serious.

“What—what did you say?”

Jeongyeon looked at her friend who’s face looked shocked that her eyes are glistening. She looks so beautiful, she just fully appreciates it now, with the setting sun almost makes her friend’s friends looks ethereal. She slowly raised her hands, to cupped Momo’s cheeks and Momo bit her lower lip.

“I think—I love you Hirai Momo.”

Momo gasped and she tilted her head, towards Jeongyeon’s hand.

“You think you love me?”  Momo’s voice was unsure, and even afraid. Jeongyeon had to take away that fear.

“I love you Mo, because you’re my best friend and I had always told you that, right?”

Momo nodded.

“But being away from you for four days… it felt like hell. A lot of people kept on asking where were you, why were you not there with me and I realized, that people even think that your rightful place is here, by my side…and without you, I am incomplete. And then when I saw you with Chaeyoung, my heart hurt. I want to be that person who will make you smile like that. I felt greedy, when I don’t have the right. Anyway, I am just your best friend--”

Momo stopped whatever Jeongyeon wanted to say with her lips, as she tiptoed and pressed her lips unto her friend’s and Jeongyeon eyes widened as Momo shyly her lower lip. She closed her eyes and takeover the kiss. After a few moments and Jeongyeon had to slowly pull away from the kiss, she kissed Momo’s forehead and just held her tight.

“Momo-yah—“

Momo looked up and met Jeong’s intense gaze on her, but this time, it is more gentle, softer. She blushed, realizing now that she had kissed her best friend first.

“I hope you won’t think now that I am just your best friend.”

It took a few seconds before the message came across and yet, Jeongyeon doesn’t want to hope. But she needed to hear.

“Are you sure?”

“I was not, but then again, I realized this afternoon that I don’t want to share you with that tall pretty girl you were eating with this afternoon—“

“Which girl? ah—Jina. She’s from the other sports club—“

Momo pouted, “You surely were enjoying your lunch with her, and she was sitting in my chair!”

Jeongyeon laughed and Momo slapped her arm. “We’re you jealous?”

“Hmmmp!”

“Awwww..my cute Momoring, jealous of—“

“I am not! I just didn’t eat this lunch because of you!” Then her stomach grumble in agreement.

Jeongyeon laughed, her heart feeling very light. She put her arm around Momo’s shoulders and led her bike with the other. They used to do this for a long time, but now it felt so different. Momo smiled shyly, a blush creeping on her face.

“You love me?”

Momo pretended to be annoyed until Jeongyeon kissed her cheek.

“Yah!”

“You haven’t said it!” Jeongyeon pouted.

“I haven’t? Maybe you’re just not listening.”

“Momo!”

“I love you. I love you too Yoo Jeongyeon!”

Jeongyeon was about to kiss Momo again, but the dancer’s stomach grumbled loudly. Jeongyeon laughed.

“Let’s eat takoyaki, I know you want to eat that. Race you to the stall, loser will pay for the food!” Jeong suddenly rode her bike and went on first.

“Yah, I was not ready!”

“C’mon now slowpoke! I would not lose; I don’t have money!”

“You’re supposed to treat me!”

And they race like how they did before, but this time, with a promise of tomorrows between them.

  

 

I'm really scared of jumping in

I can't get hurt

But maybe everything will be all right

I'm sure tomorrow will change.

 By your side I keep on smile

I really like you.