Everyone loved Jeongin. He was sweet and innocent, with just a hint of mischief, but a heart of gold. But sometimes he was too good. He didn’t want to inconvenience anyone so he never asked for help. He never told them that his health was failing, that he’d given up hope. He never said that even breathing hurt sometimes, that their slightest touch could bruise his fragile skin, that exhaustion had sunk deep into his bones never went away no matter how much he managed to sleep. 

And he would never, ever admit that it was happening because Chan was supposed to be his soulmate but was already Bonded to Felix. He knew already that both of them would be devastated, that they would blame themselves forever. 

Jeongin had racked his brains to figure out a way to avoid that. If he just waited to die naturally, they would find out from the doctors what had happened and would beat themselves up over it. If Jeongin left the country to die, or simply disappeared, they would agonize for the rest of their lives. Well, he knew his hyungs well enough to know they would be devastated no matter HOW he died, but…it would be the absolute worse if they KNEW it was their fault.

That ruled out suicide, too, though Jeongin had seriously considered it. It was too selfish, though. He was going to die a slow, painful death, unable to live with an incomplete soul. Suicide would be quicker, but leave his hyungs worrying that they could have done something, should have done something, to prevent it. He didn’t want them to do that. 

And no matter how painful, Jeongin wanted to be with them as long as possible, to be with Chan, especially. 

It simultaneously hurt and helped to be around their group leader. Seeing him happy, healthy, and in close proximity made Jeongin’s heart swell with joy. Watching him with Felix hurt, but Chan was so happy he couldn’t help but smile along with the others. He loved them too much. 

They were on tour, now, and Jeongin was struggling. Felix and Chan usually shared a room, totally normal for soulmates, but Chan liked to make sure all the members were getting the proper attention, so tonight he came to cuddle with Jeongin. His heart was pounding, a blush rose to his cheeks, but he curled into Chan’s chest and wished he could just stay there forever. 

It would only take a few words to throw everything into turmoil. He could tell Chan that he shared a piece of his soulmark, and then Chan could choose, choose Jeongin over Felix or Felix over Jeongin. Jeongin already knew that Chan would never betray his Bonded, his beloved, Felix. Nor did Jeongin want him too! But if Chan knew, he would feel guilty for eternity. Not that he should, but he was that kind of person. 

“How are you doing, Innie?” Chan asked lowly, his hair. 

Jeongin wanted to cry, to confess everything and beg to be loved, but he would never. He couldn’t do that to Chan, to Felix. 

“I’m good,” he said instead. 

“You seem so tired lately.”

Of course he noticed. It was hard to miss.

“It’s just the tours, and I’m still growing,” Jeongin said, and giggled. It sounded believable.

Chan gave him a squeeze around his waist and Jeongin tried not to gasp out in pain. It was so bad that his ribs felt close to snapping like matchsticks. When they roughhoused on stage, or otherwise, it was even worse. Tears sprang to his eyes. He couldn’t even be hugged by his soulmate without hurting. 

Chan must have sensed something wrong, because he froze. “You okay?”

“I already told you I’m fine,” Jeongin said as smoothly as he could. 

“But I want you to be better than fine, maknae.”

Jeongin had to smile. Chan was so good, so kind. No wonder he had two soulmates. But Jeongin didn’t deserve Chan the way Felix did, wasn’t compatible the same way, wasn’t as lovable. He wasn’t bitter, it was just true. Chan cared for everyone, so, so deeply, was genuinely happy to see them, truly loved them…like brothers. Felix was different, special, and Jeongin didn’t blame him one bit. Either of them. They were literally made for each other. 

Jeongin was made for Chan, but Chan wasn’t made for him. He’d accepted it, though it hurt. 

“Hyung,” he said in response. “I love you.”

Chan cooed at him, totally missing the weight behind the words. “I love you too, Innie. If you’re tired, let’s sleep, all right?”

Jeongin nodded. “Yes, let’s…” The pain was fading enough that he could actually feel himself sinking into exhausted slumber. 

Chan hummed softly in his ear, his hair gently, and Jeongin fell asleep in his embrace.

_____

When Jeongin was safely asleep—so cute!—Chan snuck away, doing his best not to disturb the younger boy. He went to Felix, because he missed him, and the two cuddled, talked, and kissed for a while before falling asleep, tangled up on the couch.

 ______

Jeongin woke up cold, so cold. He was shivering head to toe, and he struggled to breathe. 

“Hyung!” he gasped out, but knew Chan was gone. 

He fought through the pain, drawing air into his lungs. In, out, in, out, he started to feel a little better. 

He managed to get up, stumbling into the common area to go to the bathroom. He froze, feeling like he’d been speared through the heart. Chan and Felix lay curled up together, casually intimate, intimately casual, asleep, relaxed. 

Chan had left him to be with Felix. 

Of course he had! He was Bonded to Felix. It wasn’t good for them to be apart. Jeongin wasn’t jealous, but he felt a searing pain from his soulmark, something telling him his chances of being with Chan were dropping, and his life-energy dropped with it.

He fled, stumbling down the hall and collapsing in the bed Seungmin and Hyunjin were sharing. The two boys grunted sleepily, making room for him.

Jeongin’s heart ached. He didn’t have long. He didn’t want to go. He needed to hold out.