It was dreadful. At the least, the thoughts surrounding the dinner that’s to come were the worst. The reason why she had left a month ago was about to show up in front of her and yet everyone would expect her to stay the whole time and pretend that she’s not waiting for the tiniest reason to leave. Yerin’s mind kept on wondering as she watched the scene outside the window of the car. She told the driver to deliberately take his time driving, there was no hurry for her to meet her end. They passed by the highway and inwardly she cursed how there was no heavy traffic that she prayed for to delay her arrival, at least enough to miss the whole thing.

Her eyes caught the figures of children playing by the park they passed by and it was enough reason for her to think more about the person she was trying to avoid at all cost. After all, it wasn’t easy to not think of someone who had given her so many memories to remember. A huge amount of her life was spent memorizing a lot of things about one person and another part of it was spent being irrevocably in love with everything that she had come to know.

So it was ridiculous how she had come to this point of wanting some miraculous intervention so as to not meet her childhood friend, the same person who broke her heart a little more than a month ago.

It was the other who asked for the break up after all.

Yet being reminded of it wasn’t as consoling as she thought at first when she tried to list reasons why she should cancel dinner with the whole family only because Jung Eunbi would be there.

It was a bad break up, and she still wonders if Eunbi was still thinking about her as much as Yerin does of her.

---

Yerin couldn’t believe what she had heard. It’s impossible. Eunbi couldn’t possibly be serious with wanting to break up. That time, she deemed herself stupid because she probably misunderstood what her girlfriend was saying. Her ears probably heard Eunbi wrong, yet her heart started to ache with the possibility of it being true.

It can’t be. Yerin reassured herself and chuckled because Eunbi would never leave her. Not then and not ever. They promised each other that they would be with each other for a long time and grow old together. Eunbi was not one to break a promise—especially not when it comes to her and Yerin knew that. She berates herself for even thinking of the possibility that Eunbi was actually saying it. Amongst every person she knew, the only one she could say that she knew like the back of her hand was Eunbi and so it’s not true, because she’s sure of how much the girl loved her. It’s impossible, because she trust Eunbi when she said she will always love Yerin.

“I’m sorry.” Eunbi said, and Yerin doesn’t know why the girl was saying such a thing.

“Don’t kid around.” Yerin didn’t know what else to say. Her heart continued to hurt and she didn’t find it funny whatever prank it was that Eunbi was trying to pull. The latter couldn’t look straight at her and Yerin found herself taking one step closer, still not believing that Eunbi would want to be separated from her. She stopped when she saw the girl taking a step back once she’s close. Yerin bit her lower lip to stop it from trembling, scared to know what was running inside her girlfriend’s head that she had to give distance between the two of them. “What are you doing?” She asked, “It’s me…” It didn’t make sense and Yerin doesn’t know if she will ever find a way to understand.

“I told you…” Eunbi’s voice was tired, lacking the warmth and excitement that Yerin loved about her. It was part of her charm, how light she could make the people around her feel with her words and how she meant everything she said. Yerin can hear Eunbi speak from sunrise until even after sunset and she wouldn’t get tired of hearing it yet right then she wishes nothing but for Eunbi to not speak at all—to not say what Yerin has been trying to avoid hearing once again. “Let’s break up.”

Yerin found out in the harshest way possible how going through a break up can make one feel and think in certain ways. First was being in denial. That what she wanted was the truth and that any sign of the need for separation was only some kind of misconception for either of them—Eunbi most probably, because Yerin couldn’t be more sure that she wanted to stay by Eunbi’s side. Now more than ever; and now that she could feel the girl slipping away from her. But it was so fragile and tentative that Yerin found herself facing the truth not long after—the time that she had heard Eunbi say it for the second time. It was ice cold, the way it feels once the terrifying reality poured over her head, drenching her all over and made her feel numb and more scared than ever.

The second thing was an endless question of why.

Why would Eunbi do this? Why would Eunbi leave her? Why do they have to be separated from each other? Why… when all of their lives they had spent together?

“Why?” Yerin asked weakly, every single question that she had summed up into a word that she knew would never make sense even if it was answered.

There were too many years—too many memories—spent for it to be crammed into a few words that will turn everything merely into a pigment of the past that wouldn’t give them anything but sadness and regrets. Yerin wondered how Eunbi was able to make it possible to turn everything into a huge boulder that Yerin had to carry in her heart.

“I’m tired, Yerin.” The way she said her name sounded as if she was a stranger that Yerin had only met then. It’s as if there were no other reasons for them to stay there and talk and that it was merely for formality that Eunbi decided to meet her. “It’s over.” Eunbi said, and Yerin knew that she meant it.

The third was rather ambiguous—a mix of bad feelings scattered in every one of her senses that no matter how much Yerin tried to look, she couldn’t find where it was coming from. Her mind was too busy looking, thinking that whatever could stop what was hurting inside her would be something that only Eunbi could give her. But Eunbi already left, not saying a single word to explain how she had come up with the decision to leave Yerin after everything. Yerin tried looking, thinking that maybe it was her heart that was the problem but it was barely the truth—not when it wasn’t only her heart who had come to know exactly where to fit Eunbi's everything.

Yerin didn’t know that heartbreak would be so painful that she couldn’t even move from where Eunbi had left her. She thinks that a single attempt to move herself would be too much—that the pieces she was left with will turn to dust for the wind to take. She was terrified and lost, but most of all she longed for Eunbi to come back and take her words back. To make it possible for Yerin to be whole again.

---

There was enough time for her to rest—or to flee, but Yerin thought it wouldn’t be too nice of her when her father was the one who personally called to ask her to come home. Her love for her parents was greater than the fact that she has to pretend that everything’s okay once she steps into the dining room and sees the face she longed to see. The fact that was once made her happy—how her parents treated Eunbi as their own—has now become the source of a dreadful wait for her. She wondered if it was normal to still miss Eunbi every day and to still wish that they would get back together eventually, when everything that’s between them had been made clear to end a little more than a month ago. It was making her insane and thought of herself pitiful for by the end of the lane, she knew that she still wanted to see Eunbi, even if it meant that she’ll get hurt all over again.

It was only for one reason that she was willing to go through the ordeal of being in Eunbi’s presence and pretend to be okay, and as selfish as it was and as scared as it made her feel, she can never deny the fact that knowing she’ll be finally able to get a glimpse of the latter’s face was enough to make her a little happier than before.

When it was time for dinner, Yerin was informed that it wasn’t only her father’s friends who would be there. They came with their son, he was introduced yet his name was something Yerin didn’t catch only because she was too busy wondering why her father wouldn’t inform her beforehand about the meeting. Her mother was rather quiet, only giving her an encouraging smile that she didn’t quite get what for. Eunbi, the person whose face she didn’t see for such a long time, was sitting silently and still, not a sound or any sign of movement would be noticeable from her—it was as if she was trying so hard to not let her presence be noticeable to everyone.

The time went smoothly for the first part, mostly because the parents did most of the talking with the son of their visitors occasionally speaking. Yerin noticed, of course, that the man was merely trying to impress her parents, and possibly her too, as he gave his opinion on the matters of any topic their parents came up with. The point that everything went downhill, especially for Yerin, was when she found out the reason for them coming to their household. It wasn’t a mere visit nor dinner for business. It was the reason why Yerin’s life and future turned to the worst possible way.

“Marriage?” Yerin asked, tense and firm with her question despite the way her insides felt like it’ll twist and turn so much that she would be emptying her stomach of her dinner not long after.

“Yerin, dear.” Her mother called calmly yet it wasn’t enough for Yerin to do as her mother wanted her to; not when she just heard their visitors say something her own parents never even opened up to her before.

“I’m sorry for the confusion.”

Her father said, turning to his friends instead of answering his own daughter’s question. Instead of looking at them or at the people she wanted so badly to leave at that moment, she turned her head to Eunbi who didn’t dare to focus on anything else but her empty plate on the table. Not a single surprise can be seen in Eunbi's expression and that was the most curious thing to Yerin for she knew it was almost physically impossible for Eunbi to hide her expression no matter what she was feeling.

The only time she could remember not recognizing any emotion at all on Eunbi’s face was the time the two of them had broken up. That was another blow in her mind because it was like Eunbi knew that Yerin’s eyes were on her and she deliberately took a second to check before looking away right after.

“I wanted for them to know each other better first, I am yet to tell Yerin about the plan for their marriage.” Yerin’s father explained and Yerin felt like crying. She was confused and angry but worst of all was that she felt as if the world had her and she didn’t know who to talk to—not when the person she always goes to at her lowest was possibly one of the people who pushed her at that moment.

“Is that so? We understand. I apologize that she had come to know this way due to my carelessness.”

“No, you need not apologize. You didn’t know.”

“I didn’t agree to this.” Yerin said and that was the time that Eunbi finally looked up and met her eyes. It was her turn to look away, not knowing what to feel at the moment and moreover she wanted to run as far as possible where none of them would be able to go after her. “I don’t—“ She said firmly, cutting off any kind of objections her parents would’ve said. “—I won’t—I have to go. Excuse me.” She stood up and left without waiting for any response nor did she hear the call for her name.

---

It was the weekend before Eunbi started working under Yerin’s dad’s company. The weather was rather cold and loving the feeling of warmth inside the house, Eunbi did her best to convince Yerin to stay with her instead of making plans to go outside for a change. There was only a good amount of times that Eunbi was able to convince the latter despite being the more stubborn one of the two, merely because Yerin can get away with anything when it comes to Eunbi. It wasn’t always like that but becoming one of Eunbi’s weaknesses, she found herself relenting every time Yerin wanted something from her.

Yerin can say the word and not a single cell in Eunbi’s body would deny it. Not when every part of her exists to become part of Yerin’s.

But of course none of it will excuse her from Yerin’s wrath as soon as she made a mistake of accidentally pouring half of everything from the sugar jar into the paste her girlfriend’s making. The look of disbelief was painted all over Yerin’s expression followed by a short denial, as if trying to believe that Eunbi did not cause another mishap after promising that she would be careful after the last time that she did the exact same thing in which Yerin, for her love of the girl, believed wholeheartedly.

Frozen at her place, Yerin helplessly watch as Eunbi hurriedly tried to pick up the grains of sugar with her bare hands which made her pull herself away in the incredulous actions of the latter—a whole reaction that told Eunbi she was only fueling the little fire that ignited Yerin’s annoyance. Wanting to find an immediate solution first about her problem with the sugar, Eunbi grabbed a spoon and a small bowl where she transferred the excess sugar before turning to her girlfriend with a guilty grin on her lips.

“I’m sorry?” Eunbi said, not sure what her girlfriend would do and the way Yerin’s eyebrows furrowed as she stared at her made her realize that she’s not to be forgiven as easily as she had hoped.

Thankfully, Yerin didn’t kick her out of the kitchen. Eunbi was to stay there without moving a finger or even thinking of helping, something she would have protested if only she’s not trying to appease her girlfriend who gave her a stern look immediately after seeing how she’s about to open to speak. For the time being Eunbi took out her phone to play a game instead, trying to pass time as fast as she could.

“I’m hungry.” Eunbi whined, putting down her phone before focusing back on Yerin who was busy cooking their food.

“It’ll be done soon.” Yerin answered, not even giving a second to look away from what she was doing.

Eunbi turned to watching Yerin as a way to pass the time as she waited, smiling to herself as she thought more about how beautiful Yerin looked. It may be the simplest of things, but being there together with Yerin doing nothing but the most common of things made her glad. It was nothing but pure happiness and lightness in her heart as she looked at the back of the person she loves knowing that even in the future it was the same thing she would want to wake up to.

Every day and not a day less.

It’s how long she wants for them to be together.

---

Yerin didn’t know if she wanted to cry or scream, but she felt the need to do something—anything that would at least make her feel less burdened than before. But all of her thoughts would only go back to the one person who was able to make her feel better at any downward situation. She’s starting to feel pathetic, that even in the moment that she was facing a problem of her own she was still looking for someone who didn’t want to be with her. It was then that she started crying, and she mockingly laugh at herself for her tears only fell when she started wishing that Eunbi would be there by her side, like before, like every single time that she did before they separated.

But something inside her kept on thinking about Eunbi’s reaction once the marriage was opened up, or rather, the lack of it. Right then a part of her knew that the latter knew about it beforehand—even for such a long time that Yerin didn’t know what she'd say to her if they met. Then her thoughts had wandered to the possibility—maybe it was her mind tricking her into believing—that it was something that subsequently affected their relationship—that it was for the reason that Eunbi had come to learn about her parents’ plans that she had ended things between them.

The more that she thought of it, the more tears had burst from inside her.

“Uncle’s been looking for you.” There were no words of welcome nor were there words of consolation that Eunbi brought with her as soon as she let her presence be known and Yerin didn’t expect one. Not when the latter was only there as she’s asked to by her father.

Yerin didn’t give any answer and only wondered what time it was. It had been hours since she left, that she’s sure of. She wondered if it was near midnight or if the hands of time had passed and the new day had already begun without her knowing. But then again even if she’s to be in the comfort of her own room, sleep would not be her visitor for the night—it hasn’t been for long now.

The time in between midnight and sunrise were the lonely hours, and Yerin had always felt lucky that she didn’t have to spend it feeling so. At those times, Eunbi would be her companion, even at 2am, when no one else would be awake and that it would be too late for conversations, Eunbi would be the one to lead her comfortably by her side and talk until they both felt the need to sleep.

Not until the time that they began living separately did Yerin begin to understand what loneliness truly was.

“You knew.” Yerin said, her back still turned and not willing to face Eunbi who stood rooted at her place. The latter didn’t dare to go any nearer, not for the whole time that she waited for Yerin to stop crying until she’s well enough to speak. “I kept on thinking, what was her reason? Did I do something wrong? Was I not enough? If I told her I can change what it was that she didn’t like, would she take me back? What if she fell out of love and found someone else? Stupid me, denying it all.” Yerin mockingly laughed at herself, silent tears flowed from her eyes instead of letting herself cry out the troubles she felt, “The whole time all I want is to know why, because maybe I’ll be able to do something. Anything, if she loves me still—even a little—I was so sure I’d have another chance. Unless she didn’t love me anymore. I thought that’s what hurts the most.” Yerin confessed, turning around to finally face Eunbi who did nothing but to look back at her. Her face stone-cold, not letting any of what she feels show even for a second. “That you don’t love me anymore. But then this happened, and I wonder, what could you be thinking?”

“If I gave you reasons you’d only think of them as excuses, wouldn’t you? That’s the end of it. Do I have to tell you everything that made me choose to do so?” Eunbi said, the longest she had spoken to Yerin after so long. There was anger that came from frustration, frustration that rooted from feeling as if she was trapped with no other way out—the one that forced her to do things she wishes to not do otherwise. “If I tell you that I did know about it—that it’s one of my reasons? It’s what you wanted to hear but will it even make you feel better?”

“You’re right, it won’t.” Yerin said, surrendering from the conversation. It was not as if she treated it as some kind of competition to see who was right or wrong with what happened but if it was, she knew that by the end none of them would win anyway. “But I hate thinking that I’m not worth it. Because I’ve always thought that I am, because I’ve always felt that I am when I’m with you.” By now she was facing Eunbi, standing and prepared to leave as soon as she said what she wanted to. “I’ve always thought that you falling out of love with me was what would hurt the most. But if you still do, if some part of you still loves me, then what hurts the most is to know that you still chose to give me away. Because then it means that all those years we spent together… didn’t mean to you as much as I thought it did.”

Eunbi stayed long after Yerin left her, stunned and recalling what the latter had told her again and again inside her mind as if memorizing it to not forget a word. She didn’t try to think of other things aside from everything that Yerin told her, how much Eunbi had hurt her. Anger rose inside her chest and she didn’t know how to extinguish such feelings—not when she knew she deserved all the anger she felt towards herself. Not when her contempt for herself only grew the more she remembered how broken Yerin looked before leaving.

She didn’t know how long she stayed there, by the small hill that was quite secluded, a place where she and Yerin called their hideout after that one time they accidentally stumbled upon it after almost getting lost when they were barely teens. It was the same place where she had last seen Yerin before they separated. With a pitiful smile on her lips, Eunbi could only look down on the ground, letting the memories fill her mind with an acceptance of the fact that it wouldn’t hurt any less if she denied how she feels. She could only feel sorry, yet she couldn’t apologize to Yerin whom she’d hurt the most. She didn’t know how and she’s scared that it would be the last thing that she had to say. If it’s not, when else can she talk to her again?

For hours and hours, Eunbi went back to the thought of the past and her decision, convincing herself that what she did was the right thing to do. It would only hurt then, but it’ll heal without a doubt.

Not a doubt. She tried to convince herself, yet she only felt the emptiness in her grow the longer she stayed in that familiar place even when her memories became so beautiful she was filled with longing and regrets of knowing it’ll be something she can never touch without tainting with sadness.

Eunbi didn’t follow after Yerin, leaving the place with a heavy heart as she went back to her apartment. Trying to go back to a routine she made for herself as soon as she accepted the fact that it’ll only be her from now on—and that fact was what brought Eunbi to feel even the tiniest discomfort at being in such a strange place. It’s as if even the sound of the door as she opened and closed it was different from before. The sound of the faucet as she turned it on was irritating against her ears and the water dripping from it became loud and maddening.

Splashing water on her face, hoping that it’ll wash away the heat caused by an anger she doesn’t know where exactly rests within her, Eunbi had a tight grip against the edge of the sink, taking deep breaths with her eyes closed. Once she opened them, she took a good look around her place and thought how weird it was to be there at a place she calls home and not recognize it.

Eunbi would prefer ordering food rather than cooking. And so, looking at her kitchen, full of utensils with some she couldn’t even identify what it’s used for, a bitter smile grew on her lips. The kitchen wasn’t her place in her own apartment. It had always belonged to Yerin. Because Yerin loves to cook, Eunbi made sure to put most of her effort in buying things that her girlfriend would need.

Yerin helped in choosing everything; from the furniture of the small living room up to the bedroom that Eunbi found it ironic why she calls it her home when everything in it has Yerin’s touch in them. The sofa, the curtains, and even the plants by the veranda, everything that her eyes could see in the room belonged not only to her but also to Yerin.

The thought of it continued to bring the feeling of melancholy inside her, and so she tried hard to not think about a lot of things. It’s one of the few things she learned to do ever since she started going home alone, to learn to do things by herself again. Even if Yerin’s memories lingers, even if it’s not something she can fully free herself of, she’s taken comfort with the thought of how everything will be easier for her soon enough. That going on a new routine will let her erase her old habits.

When Eunbi looked outside the window, she could see that it was still dark. Taking a look at her watch, she saw that the hands of time would soon read five am, and the day had already started for a lot of people when yesterday was only about to end for her. Wanting to rest her exhausted body, she tried to seek comfort with a warm bath, sinking her body in the bathtub full of water. She previously wanted to light a scented candle but remembering that the ones she has over her place were owned by Yerin, she decided to do without it. She didn’t want a reminder of what she wants to not think as much as she can.

Needing a little more help to rest, Eunbi thought that it would be good to play music as she takes her bath.

Eunbi loves music and has a collection of CDs of artists she loved, but she knew that in between her collection there was still a space that belonged to Yerin. That if she dared look at every single one of it in her shelves, she would find something that she knew would have never been there if it wasn’t for Yerin. 

There were still some things that they couldn’t quite agree on when together. One of it was with how there are times that Eunbi will be forced to be awakened by the loud sound of music Yerin would play early in the morning. The latter was always the earlier of the two to wake up after all. It’s not as if Yerin deliberately plays it loud to disturb Eunbi, but rather the latter could be easily disturb in her sleep especially with music that never in her life would she dare listen to on her own. She never understood Yerin’s fascination in old country music especially ones that were spoken in a language that Eunbi wouldn’t understand but Yerin explained to her once that aside from truly enjoying the music, it also helps because she’s trying to study and learn more about the language.

Eunbi never had the heart to tell Yerin to stop playing it even in early mornings when Eunbi would do anything to sleep longer after only being able to rest around three to four hours. But rather than being grumpy, she always found herself smiling to herself, with her eyes closed, trying to listen more to Yerin who would always sing along to every song that would play in the speaker. It didn’t matter that Yerin would get most of the lyrics wrong that even if she, who didn’t know the song, would know about it, Eunbi would never get tired of listening to her voice.

Opening her eyes, Eunbi realized that the song that played in shuffle after the one she pressed earlier on her phone was the one song that Yerin would always tell her to skip when they’re together and it was Eunbi’s turn to choose what they’re going to listen to for the day. It was a ballad song by a popular singer and Eunbi would only listen to it when she’s sad. It was a fact known by Yerin too and maybe that’s why she never liked listening to it, because she hated the thought of Eunbi being sad.

Eunbi laughed at herself. She still couldn’t stop. Even after some time, even without her meaning to, her thoughts would always go back to Yerin.

After changing the song, Eunbi stared mindlessly on the water, her palm visible just beneath the surface. Failing again and again to stop herself from thinking about the person she loves, Eunbi found it easier to let herself think about Yerin despite the endless guilt she felt from doing so.

She had thought of crying, thinking of how much she misses Yerin and how much she wishes for them to be together again, but Eunbi would always stop herself from doing so. She didn’t think that it was right for her to feel sad and cry when she was the one who asked for the breakup—not when she was the one who turned to walk in another direction. But she couldn’t help the tears from flowing, now that she was alone, now that the only thing she has were her memories with Yerin, and even that she couldn’t let herself keep for so long.

It was hard missing Yerin, especially when the girl was so near that she could easily run and plead for forgiveness for everything she’d done. Sometimes it gets so bad that the thought of asking her to come back, of asking for another chance—beg, if she had to—would always come to her mind. But everytime that it’ll happen the reason why she had decided to leave in the first place would come slapping her back to her senses.

Yerin’s about to be married to someone else. It’s not her who was meant to be with the person she loves. It’s not her who Yerin’s parents would want for their daughter.

Of course, Eunbi sadly reminded herself. Yerin’s parents would want a man for their daughter.

---

“I’m nervous.” Yerin sighed, eyes focused on her hands clasped on top of her knees. “Dad would be really mad at me once I opened my mouth.” She said, worried and twice terrified from imagining her father’s reaction to what she’s to say.

Understanding well enough what her girlfriend’s going through, Eunbi took both of Yerin’s hands and held it with hers. Doing so made the latter look up, and Eunbi gave her an encouraging smile. “He won’t be mad. I’m sure that uncle will understand your choice.” She said, rubbing her thumb against the back of Yerin’s hands before pressing her lips against it, the sensation lingered for so long that Yerin felt herself blush because of the action. “He’ll understand.” Eunbi reiterated, reaching out her hand to gently hold Yerin’s face before caressing the soft skin of her cheek against the pad of her thumb. “And he’ll be proud of you like auntie was.”

“But dad’s a lot stricter than mom.” Yerin replied, leaning in until her head’s resting against Eunbi’s shoulder. “Besides, he always wanted for me to take over the business. He already planned everything for me.” She was thankful of Eunbi, for not saying anything as of the moment and for making sure to wrap her arms around Yerin. It made her feel better than before. “What would he say once I told him I actually dropped out to change courses? He would kill me.” Yerin asked, pulling away from Eunbi so that she could take a good look at her girlfriend. “Now I envy how you actually like your course. At least you won’t disappoint him, he might actually want you more as his daughter over me.”

“You won’t disappoint him.” Eunbi said, sighing when she saw the frown forming on her girlfriend’s face knowing that Yerin refuses to be