Records 2
Two: For me to Live

I don’t know if I should be offended with how she made it appear that my life is turning into shambles but I think she’s right. Taeyeon always has a keen eye to what is happening around her, it never fails. And to see her back here in a world that does not deserve her, it baffles me. 

I want her back. But would it be selfish of me to hold unto her when in the first place, I should’ve let her go way before that? It’s not fair to me, or her or to anyone else that loves the both of us but I can’t help it. I love her way too much to let my world go on its course. 

When the silence took place, I was still holding onto her while her breathing soothes me. Drifting off to sleep, I hear her say, “I didn’t expect him to bring me back. It’s only temporary though. I mean I didn’t even know you could see me.”

“Him?” I asked her. With eyes already ready to cry anytime. 

“Yes. Him.” 

I believed how he gave me Taeyeon so unselfishly, how my little love saved me from who I was before, or the rather the stagnant life that I had. And he never failed. He gave her back to me. But until when?

“Until when?” I voiced out.

“Until the day you are ready. Until the day you can say that you’re okay.”

Her smile was sad. I don’t know why but I just saw it. Taeyeon is sad.

———
As of now, all I could think of is how can I keep Taeyeon on a leash. The thought of her leaving me as soon as I wake up kills me. So I drowned myself in coffee the whole night while she listens to my endless ramblings about what I have done in the three years she was taken away from me.

“I know it was never easy for you.” Taeyeon grabs my hands as she plays with my fingers, weaving them into the spaces of their own. The elation I felt when that happened was high. 

“It never was.”

“I’m sorry. If I….if I didn’t ask you to go with me...then maybe you wouldn’t be hurt..” She said it like I was never in that decision, to begin with.

“I want to go with you. That wasn’t any of our faults.”

She became quiet.

“I woke up and you were gone. How do you expect me to cope up with your loss? I love you. And it never changed Taeyeon.” My tears had a life of their own. Apparently, it trailed down my face and Taeyeon had no choice but to wipe them away. Kissing my cheeks, I inhaled her scent that is so pure. 

She always smells like this but somehow her whole demeanor felt like a holy ornament. Too sacred. I’m afraid that if I touch her, she would not be as pure as what she appeared in front of me.

“How did this happen?”

Her smile radiated once again, “I asked. I was watching you. One Chance.”

I lifted my head and looked at her, cupped her face with both of my hands. My little pufferfish. 

“You did?”

And for the longest time, I saw my Taeyeon’s tears. It is so clear, crystal clear even. Like she has been holding it for such a long time and now it poured. My trembling hands didn’t bother to wipe it away. As I guided her head to rest on my shoulders, she was holding me. Just like how I miss her. Just like the song we used to sing harmonized together.

“I did. I love you so much Fany. I’m so..so sorry.” Her apologizing will only make my tears flow. And so I held her tighter. She is so small and fragile, her heart holds so much pain and for the record, she was free of it. But here she was, with me. Holding so much guilt for leaving me. 

But she loves me so much. I released her ashes in the oceans three years back, but I realized I never let her go. She was holding onto me. She never rested.

“Will you be here to stay? Taeyeon?”

“For all its worth. I want to. I want you to be h