When I first started working at The Cafe, Kihyun intimidated me. Not that he ever stopped being intimidating, but it became less terrifying to work with him as time went on. To be fair, I've been told I don't look the friendliest at first glance, either, so maybe it was both of our faults. Eventually, though, we did become friends. Although now, it seems that may have been wishful thinking on my part.

While working together, we began to talk more and laugh more. At first, it was just Kihyun helping me with my latte art, helping me perfect my skills. He was a perfectionist after all, so maybe that's all it was to him. But when he first held my hand to guide me, that was the first time I had ever felt butterflies in my stomach. And when he gave me a high five the first time I poured the perfect Rosetta, my heart skipped a beat. 

We became closer eventually. Weeks went by and our conversations wouldn't just be about coffee or latte art anymore. We were sharing funny stories, discussing likes and dislikes, and learning more about one another. We would order food for each other, share drinks with the same straw, and everything was great — phenomenal, even. For months it was like this, until one day, Kihyun was in a terrible mood. I asked him what was wrong, and to my surprise, he said he had an argument with his lover, Min. We never touched on the subject of lovers before, so it came as a surprise, especially when he said that he and Min had been dating for well over a year already. And at that moment, after working together for so long, it became painfully obvious to me that I was in love with Kihyun. My heart belonged to Kihyun, but Kihyun's heart belonged to another.

It shouldn't have surprised me, with how charming Kihyun was. He was gentle yet firm, kind, protective, funny, handsome, and all the right things, so it was really no wonder someone had already won his heart. And as the saying goes, if he's happy, I'm happy. So I feigned shock and joy, pretending to offer advise with a smile on my face, although my heart squeezed with each word. 

After that day, though, conversations between Kihyun and I became less light, and more and more of a burden. It was as if a dam had broken, and now that I knew about Min, that was all Kihyun talked about. It would've been one thing had it been loving dates and cute memories he told of, but it was quite the opposite. To an outsider like me, it was painfully obvious just how toxic their relationship was. 

Min liked to go through Kihyun's phone to make sure he wasn't messaging anyone Min didn't like. Min went through Kihyun's social media to make sure he wasn't following anyone Min didn't like. Min had to know where Kihyun was, who Kihyun was with, and why Kihyun was there at all times of the day. If Kihyun didn't respond right away, even while at work, Min would grow angry and continue to call and message until Kihyun responded. After learning all this, it was a wonder to me how I never noticed him constantly on the phone in the past.

At some point, Min even began to show up at The Cafe. Although Min worked an hour away from the coffee shop, it was apparently worth the travel to check up on Kihyun. Min would come in at the start of Kihyun's shift, and sit down and watch him until the end of his shift. The first time this happened, I thought I should be kind and introduce myself to Min, only to be ignored. I was confused, and turned to Kihyun to question it, but found that Kihyun refused to make eye contact with me. That night, the only words Kihyun spoke to me were regarding drink orders or cleaning procedures, and I realized  — when Min was present, Kihyun was not allowed to talk to me. 

Min's visits became more and more frequent, and Kihyun and I grew further and further apart. How could we maintain our friendship, of course, when we couldn't even talk with one another? One day, Kihyun decided to take the day off to go run some errands for school. He had let me know, asking if I could cover his shift, to which I had no problem. The problem only came up when Min showed up unexpectedly, wanting to deliver a lunchbox to Kihyun. Min walked in, demanding to see Kihyun, and I simply responded with an I don't know, he didn't work today. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say, because Min stormed out of the store, and went to sit in the car. I quickly texted Kihyun to let him know of the situation, and less than a minute later, he was calling me. "Please tell Min I called in sick last minute, oh my god. I'm dead. This is the end. Min is going to kill me for this. I didn't let Min know where I am. Min is at the coffee shop. Oh my god." For the first time, I heard Kihyun panicking. I assured him I would tell Min exactly what he wanted me to, and he thanked me and said he would take care of it. 

Everything worked out for them eventually, as it always does, but that night, I went home, and I cried. I cried for Kihyun, because through it all, he still said he stayed because he loved Min too much whenever I asked. I cried for Min, for not cherishing the amazing human that Kihyun was. And I cried for myself, because at that moment, I coughed up a petal. Then another. And another. And I knew. I officially had Hanahaki disease, which I had only ever heard of before then. I had the disease that starts with the ironic beauty of coughing up flower petals that eventually lead to flowers growing through and piercing your lungs, killing you in the most poetic of ways. Hanahaki disease, which only occurred when one fell into an unrequited love. And I knew, I had to leave. Being around Kihyun being in love with Min despite knowing their relationship was unhealthy began to take a toll on me, and I knew I needed to leave. 

After another long month full of running to the restroom anytime I coughed to let out more petals, I was stuck. Although I loved Kihyun with all I had in me, I didn't want to let go of everything just to continue loving him. Going through with surgery would save my life, but it would mean all memories of Kihyun would also be erased. I wasn't sure if I was ready to let go of the beautiful memories we created in the short time we had, and thus, I decided not to go through with the surgery. Choosing to re-live past memories in my mind rather than give myself the opportunity to create new memories in a future, I decided to hold onto Kihyun. And hold on I did, until another two months passed, and I was coughing up fully bloomed roses, with the thorns scraping my throat bloody and dry. And hold on I did, until another month passed, and so did I.