Song for SoMi//  Nightmare by Mad Soul Child

 "I have no reason to live

I can't even breathe

Wake me up from this nightmare

Missing you" 

 

SoMi~

 

I couldn’t move from the floor.

 

“Why don’t you just kill me already?” Another kick to my stomach paralyzed me for a moment until I managed to utter the question. The ing bastard could beat me until I was unconscious, however never enough to kill me, never enough to fulfill my wish of dying. He needed me alive to make money. It would be quicker to let the pimps beat me to death rather than throwing myself in front of a car or over a bridge. Hoarse laughter erupted from my throat, only infuriating the pimp even more.

 

“Crazy , what are you laughing about? You ing girls better know your place or else you’re going to end up like her!” He snarled, tightening his grip around my neck as I bitterly laughed in his face. What a ing life I was living. Air caught in my throat as he choked me harder, slamming me against the wall of the bordello. Before I could lose consciousness, he let go and my body crashed onto the carpeted floor. Once he was gone the rest of the girls, who were forced to watch him beat me up, came to my aid by lifting me up. 

 

A perpetual knocking on my door interrupted me as I was on the border of falling asleep. Sighing in irritation, I was slow to open the door as I could already guess who it was. Kicking the thin blanket aside in my crumbling childhood home, I stood to my feet and approached my landlord. Her hands were placed on her hips in an austere stance while I propped my body against the door without bothering to greet her. I shielded my eyes from the frustrating brightness of the daylight. 

 

“I’m going to have to kick you out unless you can pay the rent on time. This is the last warning. Have the rent by next week or you’re going to be on the streets. How much more can a e become so indecent?” I heard her mumble the last part under her breath as she strode out into the alley with her Italian leather pouch tucked underneath her arm. I closed my eyes, erasing her words from my memory.

 

I lowered my aching body onto the blanket with the daylight blocked out by the newspaper I taped across the windows. My financial woes forced me into a precarious situation. I would have to take on more customers to pay off my debt as well as acquire rent money. A grimace took over my stoic features as I thought about the type of men I would have to put up with. It’s been around five years since I began working and it still disgusted me. However there was this nagging dissension in the back of my mind that I could never turn off.

 

Was my goal of being free of ual servitude worth it?

 

What did I have to live for anyway?

 

And I would answer back.

 

Ahjussi.

 

Closing my eyes, I hugged myself as I remembered how tightly he hugged me that day. It hurt when I had to let him go. And so here I was, still waiting… for him.

 

“You don’t have family members you need to send money to. You don’t need to work as hard. All you have to do is stop provoking the pimps. I have my little brother to pay college fees for. They said that if I try to run away, they’d kill him.”

 

SoHyun offered me a cigarette, which I declined. She shrugged, taking a drag of hers while resting on the old leather sofa of the changing room. I remember her telling me that her brother was only a year younger than her. SoHyun didn’t even get to attend school, for she was busy working to support her family. While taking off my false lashes, I held my breath to not inhale tobacco fumes. I didn’t want my body to be polluted more than it already was.

 

“My grandma’s in the hospital, so I have to take on more hours to pay the bills.” Out of the corner of the cracked mirror, I saw YooJung stagger in with her crimson red lipstick smudged. Listening to them talk about familial responsibilities, I stared into the mirror and wiped off my dark lipstick.

 

With my freezing hands deep in the pockets of my grey hoodie, I walked to the bus stop. I was always the first customer on the first bus of the day. The driver used to try to strike up a conversation when I first began taking this route, but he gave up after I kept quiet. I found his friendliness suspicious. Nothing good came from me trusting people. Besides, I didn’t want to attract any male attention. Sitting down in the one-person seat, I stared blankly through the window as the bus went on its usual route.

 

Tugging on my black cap to shield my eyes from the sunrise, I walked through my childhood neighborhood. The bustling noise of the neighborhood shops tuned out into the background as I blankly stared at a cart of fruit. Walking inside, I looked around for my childhood favorite food, pink sausages. I slightly squeezed the long plastic packages of pink sausage when their blatant gossiping slithered into my ears and seized me.

 

“That girl over there is that drug addict’s daughter. You know the one that was killed. Her daughter used to steal all the time.”

 

“What if she steals from you again? Watch her.”

 

“She’s a e, earning money by sleeping with any man. She should be loaded, so I doubt she’ll have the nerve to steal from me now.”

 

“Like mother, like daughter they say.”

 

The packages fell from my grip and shoving my hands into my pockets, I quickly left the store. I wish I could brush it off. I wish I could brush off their judgmental stares and their hurtful, condescending words. But they tore my heart every single time. They gossiped about how I was just like my mom, indolent and seeking attention from men. Even if I refuted them, no one would believe me. No one would believe that I was trying so hard to live diligently even in this ty life. When I returned to my childhood neighborhood five years after the incident, rumors spread about what happened to my mom and I. None of them knew the truth, yet they blabbered on ignorantly and they continued to do so.  

 

My breathing turned shallow and distorted as the needle approached a vein. I looked away with my body tense against the mattress. I could feel my forehead getting damp with sweat. Images of my mom shooting herself up with heroine and my kidnappers injecting drugs into the kids burst through my memory, inciting me to writhe under the client’s weight in defiance. My breaths became painful and tears pricked at my eyes. I didn’t want this. I immediately regretted the choice to take on this customer out of my need for rent money. 

 

With all the strength I could muster in that moment, I shoved the man off me. However, he was much stronger. I struggled against him, aiming to throw the syringe away from me when I bit his hand. He cried out in pain, letting me go to cradle his hand. I was about to run when he grabbed the fabric of my dress. Kicking him, I landed on the floor and then his fists came down on me over and over again. I managed to pull myself to the door. I ran as if my life depended on it.

 

 My bare feet felt like they were on fire as I ran through the Red Light district, weaving through the alleyways and turning back to see that my pimp was chasing after me. Desperate to escape, I became numb to the biting cold and I sprinted farther and farther away until I collided into someone’s hard chest. I planned on running away and forfeiting an apology. But then I couldn’t take my feet off the pavement when I recognized the man I bumped into. 

 

“Ahjussi… It’s you. You came to see me, right?” I couldn’t believe it. The one person I waited for was in front of me. This wasn’t a dream. The miniscule shards on the street digging into the soles of my feet reminded me that this was real. My instinct was to hug him, wanting to feel him but then I couldn’t dare sully him with my dirty hands. My hands were tainted with the mortifying actions I was forced to perform. Despite how badly I wanted to touch him, I refrained.

 

Tears welled in my eyes at him in apology, while a smile settled on my lips in mirth. I’m sorry you saved me, only for me to end up like this. His mere presence wrung my heart with such profound joy. Joy. It was an emotion I haven’t felt in so long. My yearning to feel him induced my palms to hover near his face. I refrained from getting too close as my fingers patted the chilly air around us just centimeters away from him. It was a bit strenuous to see through my teary eyes, but his unforgettable warm gaze melted away the fear that seized me. He was the one and only person I trusted in this sad world. 

 

 “Don’t forget you owe me 27,890 dollars. You can easily pay that off in a couple years. However with the latest indiscretion, I’ll have to add 500 dollars to your debt.” Madame Shin tapped my cheeks with her long cat-like nails that were heavily adorned with nail art. She grinned like the devil as she held me by the chin, squeezing my jaw while I kneeled on the ground of her office. She taught me a lesson after I injured the client in self-defense. I glared at her, doubting if the amount was even correct.

 

“You should smile more. Smile, MiSo ah.” Her high-pitched voice dropped and her true self slivered out. As her breath landed on the tip of my ear, a chill ran through me. The pointed tips of her fake nails scratched my cheek after her palm smacked me. She gripped my jaw even tighter in response to my glares.

 

They played me like a fool by giving me money for rent. I was an idiot to believe they did so simply out of kindness. The money they lent me became debt that I needed to pay off. After running away from the foster home I ended up at this establishment due to YooJung’s betrayal at sixteen years old. I had no idea what type of work they specialized in. I only found out the truth later. On the condition that she brings in more girls to work at the brothel, YooJung’s debt was reduced. I was put to work as a e after the initiation and the profits were divided 80 to 20. On top of the pittance, I had a debt to pay off as well as additional fees for injuring clients or missing a day of work.

 

A sigh frosted the early morning air. My belongings were carelessly shoved into my bags and left outside of my place. I didn’t even have to check the lock to know that the landlord changed them. Carrying my heavy bags, I kept walking. I had nowhere to go. I hesitated when a thought entered my mind. 

 

With the backpack he bought me ten years ago secured on my shoulders and bags in my hands, I couldn’t seem to go up the stairs to the third story where the pawn shop was located. It was bad enough that he had to witness me running away that day in such a dirty state. I didn’t want to burden him, but he was all I had. Sighing, I opted to hide in the bottom stairwell until he arrived home. As I leaned against the wall, deprecating thoughts ran through my mind. Would he turn me away? Would he think I was indolent for working as a e? Would he judge me?

 

“Thank you for the meal.” I became aware of my intonation turning high-toned whenever I spoke to Ahjussi. The steam emanating from the bowl warmed my cold cheeks. Placing a fried egg onto his bowl, I felt him staring at my wrist that was red from a client’s grip. I quickly tugged at my sleeve, hiding it from his view. I lowered the metal chopsticks before meeting his eyes. 

 

“Ahjussi… do you also think I’m licentious like the neighbors say I am?”

 

I softly spoke, keeping my eyes on his inscrutable expression and waited for a response. Ahjussi shifted his focus from the bowl toward me.

 

“No, you’re just SoMi.”

 

As he held my gaze, I went still at his intense staring. His unkempt and shaggy hair that obscured his eyes was now kept short just like on the day he left. The cuts that marred his features were fully healed and left no trace, allowing me to solely focus on his deep gaze. His thoughtful words almost induced me to softly smile. My lips faintly squirmed, for they weren’t used to smiling after all these years. I almost smiled at him. With one last glance at Ahjussi, I resumed my meal.

 

The rusty locker door creaked open. Standing in front of it, I reached behind and struggled with the zipper of the dress. A sticky layer of fresh blood coated my fingers. Ignoring the fresh wounds on my back, I pulled on my sweats that swallowed my entire body and threw the dirty dress inside without a care. A pair of high stilettos clacked against the floor. Blood streamed down the girl’s thigh and onto the floor. That was not period blood. None of us had periods anymore due to our birth control use. She was having a miscarriage. Grabbing a makeup wipe, I knelt before the new girl and wiped the blood off her legs. 

 

“Take a breath,” She was hyperventilating and crying, so my words failed to reach her. “Stay here for a bit and don’t let them find out.” Leaving the girl’s side, I rushed to a nearby pharmacy. Setting down the bag next to her on the couch of our dressing room, I handed her a tissue to wipe off the streaks of black on her cheeks. 

 

“Your name is DoHee right?” She looked younger than me when I started out. The scared girl looked at me with her wet doe eyes at her real name, her real identity. They made all the girls use different names during work. I suppose the reason why is to make us forget who we really are, our genuine selves, who were not just es. The young girl nodded.

 

“Your stomach is going to cramp for a day or two. Keep a tampon or pad on since the bleeding continues for a whole day. I got you some pain relievers and menstrual pads. Don’t forget to take your birth control. DoHee ah, you’re going to be okay. Get some rest and stay home tomorrow. I’ll cover your shifts.”

 

My back felt like it was slashed with a knife. It hurt to even lift my arms. My sole desire was to just sleep off the pain. I knew that everything would subside eventually. I was used to it. I sat on the bed and closed my eyes as soon as I got home. However it was different this time. Ahjussi’s scent lingered on the sheets. The longing I tried to turn off came flooding over me and I could only blink. It was moments like these I desperately wished to feel his embrace and so I clutched the blanket close. Resting in the corner of the small bed, I tilted my head back slightly against the wall when I heard footsteps approaching. 

 

“At least eat something.” Ahjussi looked me straight in the eyes and simply waited. Usually, I always ate a meal with TaeSik after work but this time I lacked an appetite. His invitation for breakfast prompted me out of bed and I followed him to the table. Sitting across from him, I kept glancing over to him as if it was a compulsion. His presence alone provided me comfort from the awful day of work. Any time I wasn't sleeping or at work, I couldn't stop following his every move or staring at him. After only eating about half the bowl of rice as I was too occupied with my focus towards him, I helped him clear the table. Taking the last dish from me, Ahjussi motioned toward the bedroom. Understanding what he meant, I returned to bed and adjusted my position in an attempt to ease the sear