It is that day of the year again.

It’s already March 9 in Korea. It’s her birthday.

The sky is dark as the gray clouds block the sun from shining and giving warmth to the cold, concrete grounds of Seattle. It is a rather gloomy afternoon. The only comfort she receives is from the scent of coffee beans brewing on her apartment as she watches two droplets from the rain race down the large window.

She is pulled back from her reverie as her phone started beeping. She stood up to get her 5^th cup of coffee this day, sat on the couch then checked her phone.

[19 unread messages]

“It isn’t march 9 there yet, but it is here. So, happy birthday, taeyeon! See you soon!”

“Have you packed your things yet? Can’t wait to see you! Happy birthday, and love you! xo”

“I’m 17 hours early but happy birthday anyway, midget. I’ll see you at the airport!”

The messages are the same, but there is one particular message that pulled the smile away from her face.

“Please bring jessica with you when you come back, love you, happy birthday. Have a safe flight”

She put her phone down on the coffee table and let out a long sigh. She hugged her knees and buried her face. She can’t help it, but whenever she hears or reads jessica’s name, her heart feels numb with pain and her tears well up. She raised her head and she saw jessica beside her, comforting her with a smile, but she wasn’t there. She was all alone.

She told herself, “You can’t mope around like this anymore, taeyeon. You’ll get used to being without her. Move on.” So she snapped out of it and stood up. She put a vinyl on the recorder, and resumed her packing. She needs to distract herself from her thoughts of jessica.

-

She just got out from shower when she looked at her packed bags and luggages. When she checked her phone, the screen already says 11:42 pm, and she realized she hasn’t eaten anything at all this day except for the 6 cups of coffee and 3 slices of bread. But she still wasn’t feeling hungry, so after changes to her pajamas, she walked to the kitchen to have her 7^th cup of coffee this day.

She stopped on her tracks however, when she saw the urn that was placed on a table near the bedroom door. She slowly approached it and lightly grazed the cool exterior of the urn with her fingers. She grabbed it gently and sat on the couch.

It has been three years since that day.

They both thought it was just jessica’s anemia and she’s getting weaker by the second. Until jessica saw red spots on her skin, it wasn’t like any other red spots people normally see on their skin, and she dreaded she might be having something else other than anemia.

Blood cancer. They felt as if their world crashed down. So cruel. So unfair. They both know they don’t have much time left but they fought. Taeyeon was always by her side during therapy, creating small memories inside four white walls, with the little time they have left.

And then comes her birthday. She went home and jessica was at her usual spot, sitting at the right side of the couch. She saw how frail jessica was looking, it pains her but she smiled and kissed her forehead. Jessica’s cold hands slowly reached out and lightly held taeyeon’s, she wished her a happy birthday with the brightest smile she’s ever seen.

She went to the kitchen to quickly prepare dinner and heard a faint voice coming from jessica telling her she’ll sleep while taeyeon prepares dinner. When she comes back, she looked at jessica, looking peaceful with her eyes closed. But somehow she felt something wasn’t right. She called her name gently. She didn’t respond. Her heart started beating fast. She called her name again, more firmly. No response.

Her mind went hazy as her heart rapidly beats. She called the ambulance in a panic then carried jessica out to the elevator. Her chest quickly heaving, catching what breath she has left on her lungs. She looked at jessica while crying, begging her to hold on, denying the fact that her arm was already dangling.

She went out the elevator in a panic and everyone was looking at her. Someone, help.. Please.. She whispered, looking at the people, utterly helpless.

The security helped her carry jessica as the ambulance arrives. Her hand never letting go jessica’s. The medics tried to revive the girl, but it was too late. They were looking at taeyeon, full of pity. “We’re sorry”

No. Her mind denies all that she’s hearing. “She’s not dead.” repeating it to herself like a mantra, her hold tightened, as if to convince herself they were wrong. But they arrived in the hospital, and she was dead on arrival. There was no other choice but to accept.

She was taken away from her that day just like that and she knows March 9 will never be the same.

She looked at the clock, it was already past midnight. It’s finally her birthday. She looked at the spot where jessica used to sit. Her ghost is there, smiling. Looking the same and beautiful as ever, she saw her mouthed the words Happy birthday, taeyeon.

--

A couple of days passed since taeyeon came back to korea, warmly welcomed by her peers. Another reason why she came back was to bring jessica back home as well. She has talked to krystal about putting jessica’s urn together with their parents’ columbarium, but krystal decided that maybe it’s about time to let her family go.

Taeyeon’s friends arranged a countryside trip specifically for this purpose. She was sitting on the porch, watching Sooyoung and the others preparing lunch outside the rented house, until she heard a chair being placed next to her. It’s krystal.

“You feeling okay?”

It was a simple question yet taeyeon finds it hard to answer. “…I don’t know.” she said with a sigh “I feel sad but peaceful at the same time. Are you really sure about this, krystal?” Taeyeon looked at krystal who was seemingly trying to find in her mind if this is what she really wanted to do; she nodded.

“A part of me wanted to at least keep a little bit of them with me, but I’ve thought for a long time that I can’t move forward knowing there’s only me now. Their ghosts will just continue to haunt me, reminding me that they will never come back.” she looked at taeyeon “That’s me, but if you want to keep a part of my sister with you, that will be your decision to make. My sister… she loved you more than anyone, and she’d want you to be happy. Remember that.”

Krystal stood up to go with the other girls. Taeyeon was left thinking, maybe krystal is right. Asking herself “Would I get used to being without you?”, something she always try but fail.

--

The group is at a cliff-side as krystal finishes scattering her parents’ ashes to the air. Taeyeon approaches krystal with languid steps, as she reached the edge of the cliff, krystal gave her a pat in the shoulder and left.

Can she forget? Does she want to forget? She asked herself. She raised the urn and looked at it; memories of jessica started reeling through her mind like a movie in time lapse, from the very first time they met, to being together, planning for a simple future where they grow old together, and finally losing her. Those memories flowed on top of her tears.

“Jessica…” she called with a longing voice. She felt a different air apart from the breeze coming from the cliff. It was warm and tender, embracing her body from behind. She knew it was jessica. “It’s alright”

“I…” taeyeon cried and lowered down the urn “It’s okay, you can let me go now…” she can feel the smile through the voice and the warmth moving up to her chest “I’ll be here”

Taeyeon raised the urn once again, feeling its weight getting heavier each second. She gently turned the urn over, letting the wind slowly carry the ashes with its direction. She heard a faint thank you as the warmth gradually leaves her body.

Turning around to see her friends smiling at her with comfort, a conclusion was reached. She told herself one final time “It’s time to finally get used to being without you.”