-Baekho’s POV-

 

All this time I knew how you feel because I feel it too. I can see how much you are trying not to cry while you stand in the end of the aisles. I can see how much pain you are suffering now but I can’t blame you because you can never teach your heart who to love or to just un-love someone that is just simply impossible to do. I could see the pain in your eyes, the way you look at him from head to toe. If only I was him and if only I was the one you like then I’ll never let you feel this pain.  If only you can see me.

 

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“Baekho, Baekho!” Dongho said enthusiastically.

 

“Dongho where have you been?” I ask when my brother open the door of my room. We have move in to Seoul a few days ago because dad have been transferred here.

 

“Baek I was strolling around the area near our new school and it looks wonderful. I wish you were there with me. And I also meet someone in the coffee shop they are twins like us but they don’t look like each other, the older one is Jonghyun and the younger one is Minhyun. I wonder if they’re our schoolmates.” I just listen to my brother as he keeps on telling me about the town and the twin he meet. I just lay there as he continue to tell me different story about his adventure.

 

The next day is our 1^st day in our new school, a new surrounding, a new set of face and friends. I miss Jeju I really do but this is where we’ll be staying from now on. After getting our schedule we proceed to our classroom, luckily we are on the same section. I see how Dongho’s eyes lit up when he look at the far end of the last row. And as I follow his gaze I saw a man with his head hang low he seems like he is doing something and not paying any attention to what’s happening then I saw you in front of him but your gaze is lock to Dongho alone as if he’s the only one in this room full of people. Dongho was the first one to introduce and he was assign to seat beside you, that time I regret not being the first one to introduce myself cause maybe I could become your seatmate and maybe you’ll finally see me. While I introduce myself I can’t help but glance to where you are, I don’t understand why but there is just something in you that draw me close to you. I’m not even shock when I realized that your full attention is on Dongho alone. I sat behind Dongho beside the man that he is looking at.

 

When lunch time came I was talking to Dongho when a man a little bit taller came closer to us I think his name is Minki, and ask us if we want to join them I see Dongho scan your faces like his asking for your approval and then you nod. From that day on we got closer we become part of your group of friend. I get to know you, you are Hwang Minhyun and your twin brother is Jonghyun, there is also Aron hyung and Minki. We spend all our time together from the start of the day ‘til we drop you and Jonghyun off. 

 

Every morning we will wait for you and Jonghyun in front of your house and the four of us will walk to the school together. Dongho and Jonghyun in front as we walk behind them. I see how your expression change whenever Dongho and Jonghyun got too close or whenever they fool around. Love, adoration, envy, Jealousy, and pain the emotion that cloud your eyes whenever you see them. I don’t understand at first why every time I see you hurting I can feel like someone is squeezing my heart but later on I realize maybe we are the same Minhyun-ah we have fall for someone who can’t love us.

 

It hurts that every time we are together all you see is Dongho, you never look at me. Whenever I’m with you I feel invisible like a ghost that you don’t want to see.

 

When we graduate high school we all go to Seoul National University. Still the same treatment from you, I’m still invisible and Dongho is still the only one you see. The only one that matters in your eyes. I took up financial Management with you, Jonghyun and Dongho, and I could see how much it pain you every time you see the two of them. I ask Dongho once what’s the score between him and Jonghyun and he said he didn’t know but he likes Jonghyun so much and he is willing to wait for him.

 

Then something happens Dongho meet Bumzu hyung they become so close he begun to drift apart from us, he spent almost all his free time with Bumzu hyung, I don’t want you to be sad but my presence is not enough I can never be Dongho. I know you are hurting because his your bestfriend but also because of Jonghyun. I hate how selfless you are when it comes to him how masochistic you are when it’s Dongho. After Bumzu hyung graduates everything goes back to normal. They are happy again together and here you are again silently crying in one of the men’s comfort room. Here we are again the loop of you daydreaming and hoping that my brother will eventually like you too.

 

I see how happy you are when we goes to Han River and he taught you how to ride the bike properly and how happy you are racing with him using the bikes. I just watch you laughing and smiling. It feels good to see your genuine smile but I know after this you’ll just cry yourself to sleep again tonight. I sat on the grass with Jonghyun beside me I wonder, does Jonghyun know that Minhyun and him is in love with the same guy but I guess that doesn’t matter because Dongho like Jonghyun and he only like Minhyun as his Bestfriend. On our way home I can see how envious you are to Jonghyun because he gets to ride with Dongho but you still manage to mask the pain every time Dongho or Jonghyun ask you if you’re alright.

 

There are times when we’ll have a sleepover in your house or in our house. While Dongho and Jonghyun cuddle together I could see how your shoulder shakes while you cry silently again until you fall asleep because of crying too much.  I would hug you when I make sure you’re already asleep and unconsciously you’ll turn around and return my hug. While you sleep you sleep talk and most of the time all you keep on saying is ‘Dongho, please love me too’ It hurts too see the one you love suffer because of your own brother that look exactly like you.  I’ll hug you until I fall asleep.

 

One sleepover really made a mark to me. You wake up in the middle of the night while I was watching you sleep. You look at my eyes and slowly lean in to place a kiss on my lips but what hurts is what you said next ‘Dongho, I don’t want this dream to end. I know you love Jonghyun but why can’t it be me’ and then you fall back asleep.

 

Years pass by so fast and the next thing I know is that we are already seniors and everyone is preparing  our graduation and for the farewell party for the seniors. I wanted to ask you to be my date but I’m a coward, I don’t want you to reject me so I stayed quite. I was hurt when I found out that you are helping Dongho for his surprise for Jonghyun, How selfless can you get until you start thinking of yourself Minhyun-ah. I see how you pour all your feelings for Dongho in the song you help him write I don’t know how many time I caught you wiping your eyes every time Dongho is not looking.

 

The day came when you have to execute Dongho’s plan and I’m part of it I see you standing in the corner of the locker room eyes full of tears as you hold your sob so that no one notice you. I guess you are just too broken to realize when I drag you out of the locker room and into the hill near our school I hug you as you cry. Silence surrounds us and only your sob can be heard. After crying for hours you eventually fall asleep in my embrace. As you sleep in my lap I gather up enough courage to ask you to be my date this is my only chance. Luckily you agree but I can see the void of pain and sadness in your eyes.

 

On the night of the event you look so wonderful, you just look so perfect. We ride on Dongho’s car the two of them in front while we sat in the back. I see how you averted eyes when Dongho holds Jonghyun’s hand as he drives. I hate this, I hate seeing you in pain. I hold your hand and give you a small smile, you look at me and there is it again the void of pain and sadness in your beautiful eyes. You hold my hand while we are in the car, finally you are slowly noticing me or so I thought. On the party your eyes is glue to Dongho and Jonghyun’s every action but still here I am beside you. You choose to just drink the pain away and I was there asking you to stop but you don’t want to listen until the bottle of vodka and beer slowly file up in our table. You were in your last bottle of vodka when the slow music plays and you see them dancing together, I see how you drink the remaining content of your bottle and then you go. I follow you and I know you’re already so drunk then suddenly you passed out. I brought you back to your home and took care of you for the whole night. You drown yourself in alcohol and ocean of tears but nothing lessen the pain of loving someone who can’t love you.

 

After a month its already our graduation day and as if nothing happen here you are again acting tough and acting as if you are fine infront of my brother and your brother but I know for the fact that you wanna runaway but your love for them is greater that your will to be happy, greater that you will to tell Dongho how you truly feel.

 

As if fate is really trying our patients we all end up in the same company and I can see that at first you are struggling but what I don’t understand why you let yourself settle to only seeing him like this. The day that I fear for you came Dongho ask for my help to ask Jonghyun to be his boyfriend officially and I don’t know how to feel, but I agree. I didn’t know that you’ll also be helping in this. I see how broken you are, every night you’ll go to my apartment and drink until you fall pass out, now you see me as someone you can run to whenever you are hurting because of Dongho. As Dongho and Jonghyun becomes Boyfriends, you become a walking doll, pretty yet lifeless its like the life in you have been away. It took months until you comeback to your senses and me convincing you to buy your own apartment to get away from them.

 

I guess fate just hates you or badluck have been following you, it just happen to be that Dongho and Jonghyun after a year of being together decided to move in together and the thing is they are now living infront of your apartment. For the Nth time I have seen how broken you become because of them. When will you be okay and learn to find someone else. When will you realize that I’m here like you, waiting for the one he love to notice him.

 

Never in my life have I thought of hurting my own twin brother but when he invited you to join us to go back to Jeju and visiting our mother with the intention of introducing Jonghyun his boyfriend to our mother I lost it.  Almost punch him but I can’t because you are there, you are always look at him with that eyes of yours screaming with pain and sadness.

 

Sometime have pass after that incident and we are eating lunch as our tradition when Aron hyung told us that he and Minki is already engage and that they are already planning their wedding as soon as possible. I’m so happy for them we all are so happy for them but the pain that pass by your eyes never come unnoticed to me I see it and I know what you’re thinking I just hope you achieve it soon.

 

The wedding of Minki and Aron hyung came and I see how our Maknae and hyung cry their heart out as he said his vow of forever for Aron hyung and as Aron hyung do the same. I just wish for them to live happily together. But my happiness is cut short when I see you, you are crying not because of happiness but because you are thinking of him again. Please stop thinking of him and look at me.

 

Three years have pass since your world shatter because of Dongho asking Jonghyun to be his boyfriend and when I found out that Dongho is planning his marriage proposal for Jonghyun I ask him what I thought is right. I ask him not to tell you because I know how painful it would be for you but fate just loves to play with your feelings. Despite my efforts for you not to know you end up confronting him and he end up telling you the truth. I remember how you hug him and tell him congratulation despite the tears that are trying to escape your eyes. I follow you and for the nth time you try to drown your pain with bottles of Soju and cans of beer, crying until you pass out. I hate seeing you like this but I can’t force you to love me. It takes time to move on so I hope you take your time to heal.

 

I didn’t know that on the day we have to buy the ring for Jonghyun you’ll be there. So the 3 of us walk to the jewellery store to find the perfect ring for your brother. When I heard the sales lady told you that you and Dongho look good together see how wide your smile is but just as how fast it appear it also disappeared as fast when Dongho said that you’re only his Bestfriend and not his Fiancé.

 

I really don’t understand you to be honest. You volunteer to prepare the place for the proposal you look like their wedding planner doing all the things need to be done. And when you get home you just cry and drink yourself to sleep. The day came and I know how broken you are and how painful it is for you but you stay strong and prepare everything. Everything looks perfect but despite the whole place being perfect I know that is also how broken you are. When Dongho kneel down in front of Jonghyun I can’t look at them I focus my gaze to you and I was right you are already Holding your chest as if your about to pass out any moment. And then you run away I follow you to your car and drive off I took you to a place where you can scream your heart out. This is the most I can do to help you lessen the pain. If only I could take your pain away for you to stop hurting.

 

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I watch as you hug Dongho and whisper something in his ear. I see the single tear that escape your eyes when you take his hand and walk him to the altar where Jonghyun await his groom. I see how you hug Jonghyun and told him “Please be happy and take care of him” I wait for you in the foot of the altar and guide you to our seat. I held you hand as you look at them tears streaming down your eyes. You just look at them the whole ceremony. And I hold you close to me. I wish that you’ll be happy Minhyun-ah. I hope this wake you up.

 

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 As I was passing by the corridor near the new couple’s room I hear someone talk and I know that it’s you but I don’t know why. And then I heard you speak “Jonghyun-ah Dongho-ah I wish for your happiness and peace. I’ve seen you from day one until today I can say you deserve to be happy together and you fit perfectly together. Please always be happy and healthy. I just wanna say Goodbye formally.” You pause for a moment and then continue. “I’m leaving in a few hours to travel the world, to explore and to find the one for me. Your wedding made me realize many things. So Brother please be happy with Dongho.” When I realize that the door open I hide in the corner so you won’t know I was listening. And I saw you with tear stained cheeks and red brimmed eyes.

 

“Is it because of me?” I hear Dongho said. He knows, I don’t know since when or how but he just know. He ask me a few weeks ago after the engagement and I was shock, but it too late to deny when he already know the truth.  

 

“At first I thought I’ll leave to avoid you, but now I realize I’m leaving for my own sake. I deserve to be happy like you two. Don’t worry I’ll come back at the right time. So Dongho please be happy and love my brother. I didn’t give up for nothing.” You said and Hug him “I love you and Goodbye.”

 

“Please be happy Minhyun-ah. I’m sorry that I can’t love you. But I wish for your happiness.”

 

I see you walk pass me and so I rush to you. I’ll take this chance this is the last one.

 

“Minhyun-ah, I’ll come with you lets travel the world together. You’ve already been hurt so many times and now is the time that all you feel is love and happiness.” I said and turn him around “You have always been the one who loves but now it’s your turn to be love by me. So give me a chance to show you love to make you feel my love.”

 

I’m willing to be the band aid for your wound that my brother cause you if that’ll help you heal. I love you since the first day I saw you and I still love you and grow to love you more day after day.

 

You look into my eyes and smile at me “Thank you for always being there beside me Baekho, thank you for not getting tired of me.” You took a deep breath and continue “Are you willing to wait a little bit more until I heal my broken heart? I don’t want to give you a broken heart when you’re giving me your whole heart.”

 

“I’ve already waited for 10 years and I’m willing to wait for another 10 years until you are ready to love again. I’ll stay beside you. Now let see the beauty the world could offer us.”

 

And later that day we leave Korea and started our journey hand in hand. No more pain and suffering. Now I’ll hold you tight and make you feel the love that have been wasted for the last ten years.

 

 

-Fin-