From: The lover who left you.
To: The men I left behind.

For you, the one I loved so much that I left behind.

It's strange indeed. But that's okay, because it is reality.

To you, I want to say all the apologies that you might not hear even once from my lips.

Sorry for leaving you the most painful way.

Sorry for leaving quietly.

Sorry because I love you too much.

Oh, for the last, I pulled back my apologies. I will not apologize just for loving you. Because I love you without any tendencies. 

I remember once, three or four years ago, we were the ideal lovers who were coveted by any single person. You and I complement each other. You and I trust each other. And the most important, you and I love each other.

When you met me three years ago when I was betraying you with another man, you didn't immediately break our relationship. Though that's what I was hoping for. Our relationship ended, that's what I was hoping for from the scenario I made.

But you wisely said that boredom is not something that can make us separate. You love me with all my weaknesses and kindness. When I say I'm bored with our relationship, you will still love me like this. Because you love me as a whole, not only my kindness.

At that moment I wanted to cry and cancel all the plans in my head. But I can't, I have to part with you. You have to separate from me. Stay away from me, forget me, then look for other men who deserve to side by side with you.

Three times I run the same scenario, you stick to your stance. You still love me. Whole, without the slightest lack. I cry every night, asking God, from what your heart made from. How sinful I am to commit this betrayal.

But, in the end, we separated. When I cry in front of you, beg to be separated from you.

You looked frustrated at the time. I saw a tear dripping down your cheek when you said that we were no longer in relationship. Then you took me home, after that, I didn't know where you were going.

God, I know I have sinned by make a man as good as you cry....

I know, you might not believe if I say now that it's all I do just because I love you too much.

Maybe it's better this way, you cry now, you hate me, then you leave me here. Case closed.
One thing I don't want is to see you sad and cry all the time. In a long time.
Now is the time for me to tell why I decided to do it all.

You know, Honey, now I can only even move my hands. I can only lie all the time in bed. Like a prisoner who is waiting for his death.
Oh, that's the reality.

Three years ago someone - no, three doctors - said that my life wouldn't be long again. Gosh, how nice to talk! Is my life like canned food when it's expired?

During this time I always believed, that the secret of life is only God knows. But when I saw my hair getting thinner (oh, now my head was bald), my body was getting more and more weak and almost everyday I had nosebleed, I realized, this time the doctor's words were indeed true.

Do you want to spend your life just for taking care of a patient like me? I'm sure there are still many things that you can do and more valuable than taking care of me.
Not that I doubt your love, but I did it because I was sure how much your love for me. 

Now I'm all alone and still holds our love on my lonely nights. I accidentally disappeared from you, but you know, I always know things about you.
Including about you who married another men some time ago. 
The people around me say that you should know about my condition. Especially before your wedding, they are more aggressive in asking me to come to talk to you.
But for what? Do I want you to take care of me until I die and then sad and depressed even longer?
No, it's enough to hurt you once . I don't want to repeat it. Why did I leave you and now ask you to come back? After we are together, I will die.

Well, why did I hurt you twice?

I always keep all my feeling alone. This is the first time I'm pouring it into a letter that I won't send to you.
(If you receive this letter, it means that my mother took it from the drawer or I already die)
Maybe you will be sad to see me now. There's no more hair that you can wipe like you used to. No more a boyfriend who walk with you all day. There is no longer a lover you can see in your kitchen to cook dinner.
Your sadness because of my death, that is the last thing on earth I want.

Honey, three years have passed and I still love you. But love alone is not enough for us to live. Sacrifice, that's something that is also needed by humans. Therefore I sacrifice our relationship. I will not be able to live your day with sadness after my death.

At least, now you have another man who can be your a shoulder to lean on. Not like me who already lean on my gravestone.

I know, I'm too pessimistic. But that's because I'm the patient here. When you know that you can die every time you breath, you will not be able to think as clearly as usual.

Honey, I love you so much and I am not willing to see you sad. Even though I know, God will not create happiness if there is no sadness. 

Believe me, until my last breath , I always love you. 

From me,

Lee Hyukjae, 
the lover who left you behind.

PS: Like I said in the contents of my letter (I don't know where it was, I forgot), when you read this letter, maybe (most likely) I was already gone.

Be happy, Honey.

Because I always be happy for you.

***
13:28

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