"N O T E B O O K"

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"It was another normal day for me again, writing poems for her again, writing poems to expressed my feelings, feelings that i was keeping for a long time. But how can she notice me? if she was too oblivious on her surroundings? She leave my feelings unnoticed, Am i ugly?Am i a scary woman? damn,i think I'm not! but why does she's doing this to me? I started putting my light make up on, trailing my lips with a lip gloss on, Body was showered by perfume again. Here i am,gonna face the painful reality again. I,the one who was victimized by her innocent, She sees me as a normal 'close' friends again. Funny,how does she give me does looks, the looks that can make my heart fluttered, flowery words that naturally came out on her witty mouth. Her laughed was melodious, that it makes me jealous, but i like hearing those laughed, passing through my whole existence. But it really pains me, seeing you with her, laughing and smiling love showed through mirror. I'm no losing hope! I know,Someday you'll see me with different view." I close my old yet precious notebook after i finish writing my thoughts i had today.I sighed,Since when did i started writing about her?is it since we become best of friends on Elementary days?or it was just recent,after discovering my feelings for her?Nah,maybe after i stole a kissed from her when we are still young. "Eunbi-unnie?You're here again,where's Kkura-uunie?" I heard Yena asked. I am here,under the cherry blossom tree again,it becomes my favorite place after Sakura introduces this place when i transferred in her school.She said it becomes her haven as she find her comfort here,she really love this place. We parted ways before we reach our junior high year, my father was very ill that time that we needed to be back on U.S.A. for his treatment,i never had the chance to say my farewell on her for the very last time.I become homeschooled for almost 4 years and now I'm back to take her with me again,but i think im very late?She already had her girlfriend now,and i can see that they really love each other. "She's with Minjoo,Why?" I answered and at the same time a asked. She scratch her cheeks before she puff some air, "She's always stick with her!We infrequently had a lunch together!not like before,she just always stick with us!" She complained. Well it's true,after she had her girlfriend,she rarely join us,she was just always on her girlfriend side 24/7.I'll admit it,it makes me feel annoyed but at the same jealous!But i am not the only one who feel this way!Our other friends too! I patted her back "We can't do anything 'bout that,Yena.She's her g-girlfriend,if you forgotten" I suddenly feel a lump on my throat as i mentioned it.It should be me!It should be me who was on her side!But happened. I suddenly can feel myself about to cry but hey!Kwon Eunbi shouldn't cry!I'm brave!but i just thought it was.I failed to prevent it after i saw some hurtful view infront of me,They were hugging each other tightly,as if they don't want to let go of each other. Damn.It hurts so much! "Unnie!Are you okay?!why are you crying?!" a panic yena asks but i just returned it with a painful laugh.I patted her head before pulling myself up,i need to get out of this place. "I'm not crying,Yena-ya,so If you can excuse me, i need to go" I didn't wait for her response as i turn my back on her and walk on fast pace.I also heard Sakura called me but i also ignored her.It already hurt me so much!but why do i always push myself closer to her when she clearly not that comfortable with me?Do i deserve to suffer this? i leaned my back on my car right door,i put my head up to stop the tears from coming out on my eyes.

 

Tears races down my cheeks as i started crying hard,I'm feeling the pain with my whole body but my heart is the one who was suffering too much today.I can visualize it breaking into because of so much pain. I never feel this with someone else before,only her.Im not that confuse on my own uality before but she came unexpectedly and bended me like crazy!yes crazy,it makin me insane that i lose my sane. I remember how she gave me soft kisses on my forehead everytime we are together,She always read me some fairytales before i sleep.She comforts me everytime im sad,she never broke atleast one promises of her.I really i adored her. I missed staring on her glistening eyes everytime she played fortnite,her teasing smile everytime she caught me staring at her,Scolding her everytime she skip her eating time because of so much playing.But instead of getting annoyed,she will just gonna laughed and gave me a back hug while saying her sorry. There is too many memory that if i recall it all,it might cause me to cry more.I relax my body then closing my eyes to regain my composure.No one shouldn't see me in this kind of situation,i don't want their pity look on me. I need to go home now,i should just sleep this instead of crying my heart out,Crying can't get anything but i cried because im in pain,and there is no wrong on crying,it's not a weak view at all. --- "Sweety?You're early,what happened?" My mom greeted when she saw me entered our house.,She was casually sitting on the sofa while holding and eating popcorn. I kissed her cheeks before i slump my own body on the sofa. "Not good Yet Not Bad" i just tiredly answered before resting my head on my mom's shoulder. "You look troubled...and,what the!why is your eyes swollen?!who did it to you?!just tell me and I'm gonna beat his !" I chuckles,my mom was so childish,gosh. "I doubt it,Mom" I said smilling while shaking my head.She turned her head to face me,brows was furrowed because of anger. "Just tell me his name!" She said while gritting her teeth,she can really be scary sometimes that i needed to bring her favorite food for her to calm down. "She's Sakura Miyawaki" then i saw how she froze on her track,mouth slightly ajar after mentioning my first