It was the fourth night in which Chaeyeon did not get any sleep at all.

 

Her whole body was begging her to rest, but her mind did not seem to give in to those desperate pleas.

 

Restless thoughts swarming through her head, making it hard to just close her eyes and enjoy the peaceful silence inside her room.

 

Perhaps, that was the problem; it was too peaceful. Too quiet.

 

She wanted to get out, but her body didn't allow her to. It wouldn't cooperate.

 

She was stuck. In her thoughts. In her messy bedroom.

 

When was the last time she cleaned up? 

When was the last time she left that room whose smell she could not bear anymore?

 

Everything was just too much.

 

She couldn't take it anymore. Not if she didn't have her by her side.

 

She didn't have the strength to turn around, but she knew it was better like that.

 

Lying in her bed, buried in the darkness, Chaeyeon didn't need to see the empty space next to her. It would just break her heart, again.

 

What was the point of falling in love if the person you'd devote all your energies to would eventually leave?

 

Now, she was drained. She was alone.

 

She wished she could just stop feeling anything at all. Instead, she felt too much.

 

Regret. Bitterness. Disappointment. Exhaustion. Sorrow.

 

Where did she go wrong?

 

What was that made Sakura go away?

 

Was it when she told her she loved her?

 

It couldn't be, could it? She had said it back to her. Smiling. Kissing her.

 

Was it before that then?

 

Did she make a mistake when she kissed her under the light of the stars and the moon? While the sound of small waves hitting the shore was playing in the background? Was that a mistake?

 

She didn't think so. She still remembered it as her happiest memory. Was it different for Sakura?

 

Did she hate it?

 

The way she grinned afterward, the glistening in her eyes and the peck following didn't tell her so.

 

Was she wrong when she asked her out the first time?

 

Maybe she had been too clumsy; dragging out words, fidgeting with her hands and keeping a lowered head. She blamed it on her nerves; she was too scared.

 

But then again, Sakura hadn't turned her down. She had said yes. And if her memory wasn't playing tricks on her, she later told her that she had found it cute. Made her understand that she really liked her.

 

That couldn't be it either, could it?

 

Then, where did she go wrong?

 

She thought she was doing the right thing; Sakura always told her she was lucky to have her as a girlfriend.

 

Did she lie to her? She didn't believe her capable of such a thing.

 

Was Chaeyeon lying to herself? 

 

She told herself she had always been careful. Always made sure they were communicating. Always asking her what she thought she should do before making a choice since she cared about her opinion. Always making time at least three times a week so that they could hang out. 

 

She even made sure to give her time to go out with her friends. Motivated her when she felt down. Told her she didn't have to worry if she couldn't make it, she'd just go back home and they'd meet another time. Got her driver's license so she could go and pick her up since she knew she felt uncomfortable when the bus was too crowded. 

 

Was she wrong all along?

 

Sakura's friends always told her they wished they could find a girlfriend that was as considerate as her. Were Hitomi and Nako lying to her, too?

 

Did they say it just to make her heart feel lighter?

 

Chaeyeon couldn't understand.

 

Were those three years of relationship a lie?

 

Did Sakura think of them as a mistake? 

 

Pieces of her heart shattering at the mere thought she might do.

 

Nothing made sense anymore. 

 

She was frustrated; why couldn't she find an answer?

 

She just needed a reason, something to focus on.

 

Something to blame herself for.

 

Sakura hadn't been fair.

 

"It's not you. It's me." What was that supposed to mean?

 

Was she expecting Chaeyeon to blame her? She couldn't do it. 

 

She didn't have it in herself to hate her.

 

But she could hate herself. She just needed a reason to.

 

So why didn't Sakura give her any?

Why did she leave like that? 

 

Wondering what she did wrong.

 

Was she too affectionate? Was it wrong of her to hug her before falling asleep? To kiss her forehead when she woke up? To hold her hand when they walked in the streets?

 

Was it too much? Or was Sakura expecting more from her?

 

Was that why she left her?

 

Could she have done more? To make her stay? 

 

She didn't tell her to leave, but neither did she beg her to stay. She wanted to respect her decision.

 

Did Sakura think she wasn't fighting for them? That she had given up too easily?

 

Yet, her words were clear. Not difficult to grasp.

 

"I can't keep doing this. We have to break up. I can't be with you anymore." Was Chaeyeon supposed to make her change her mind?

 

Perhaps, she wouldn't be so miserable.

Perhaps, she wouldn't be crying now.

 

But why would she do that? If she did, Sakura would be the miserable one; she didn't want that.

 

She would never want her to go through what she was feeling.

 

It would hurt her. Too much.

 

Too much.

 

Maybe that was her mistake. She did too much.

 

Cared about her too much. Loved her too much. Depended on her too much.

 

Maybe she had asked her too much.

 

Maybe she was too blinded by love to see that Sakura was intimidated by it.

To see that she was rushing too much, while Sakura couldn't keep up.

 

Was it that then? 

 

Did she finally find something to blame herself for? Something to invest all her thoughts on? All the negative, pessimistic feelings eating her alive?

 

Could she feel at peace now? Could she rest her body? Would her thoughts go away?

 

But they weren't going anywhere. 

 

Why weren't they?

 

She opened to take a deep breath but choked on her sobs instead. 

 

Why wasn't she free from all the pain? Why did it keep hurting?

 

She couldn't understand. It made no sense.

 

Why wasn't it making sense?

 

Why?

 

Why did she still long for Sakura's warmth? For her arms around her torso? For her head against her shoulder? For her breath on her neck? For her lips against hers? For her love? 

​

Was this what heartbreak felt like? A bottomless pit of misery, remorse, and suffering swallowing what was left of her aching soul? Was she going to feel like this for the rest of her life?

 

It sure felt like she would. 

 

Was it even worth it to call it life then? To have no strength to get out of bed? To eat, or drink? 

 

Was it even worth it to call it life if she couldn't close her eyes without nightmares haunting her? Nightmares that kept coming even though she was not asleep? Even though she was wide awake, memories replaying in her head?

 

Where did the memories stop? Where did the nightmares start? 

 

Was she doomed? Was this the result of the universe turning against her? But why would it? 

 

Why did it feel like the universe despised her? Was that why Sakura left? 

 

Was the universe punishing her for something?

 

What mistakes could she have done to be in such a terrible predicament?

 

Where did she go wrong?

 

It was the fourth night in which Chaeyeon did not get any sleep at all. And it scared her to death to think of how many would follow.