love that is a little less than forever

Luhan doesn't like many things.

Sehun can list the things he hates one by one and it still won't be enough time to mention it all. Like... Luhan doesn't like sweets, chocolate milk, and he doesn't even like strawberry ice cream or when his pork is overcooked. He also despises thick clothes, buzzing sounds, winter or rain in general, and most importantly, he hates long flights.

And that makes Sehun stand frozen when he's right here with him, standing with a straight face as usual while wearing his black, thick sweater and his even blacker—Luhan always defends himself saying that it's ebony and it's different kind of black but meh, Sehun sees it as just black—backpack. He stands there in front of Sehun's apartment door in Lancaster, his expression unreadable, but the pink tint decorating his cheeks indicating he's way too long covered in snow warms Sehun's heart.

It's right in the winter solstice when Lancaster is in his goddamn -5.6° celcius and every corner of the city is covered in white snow. Luhan hates winter, let alone midwinter, and he hates it even more that it took him 30 hours to arrive here.

Now is just after dark one gusty evening in the midwinter of third January with its ungodly temperature but Sehun's body is burning upon seeing the dark-haired man. "Well," Luhan breaks the pregnant silence with a thin voice, maybe caused by the cold weather. "Aren't you gonna let me in?"

Sehun hasn't fully grasped the fact that right now, Luhan is here slouching on his sofa while drinking hot coffee after taking a very long flight from Beijing, his hometown, to freaking Lancaster because:

1. Luhan hates long flight.
2. Luhan has vowed to himself that he will never step a foot in Lancaster again after his last visit which, in Sehun's eyes, didn't go well.

There must be something happening behind Luhan's sudden and mysterious visit, something that worries Sehun much because... well, Luhan wouldn't do this out of the blue... right? But Sehun being Sehun, he cannot ask his boyfriend what's happening and he chooses to stay quiet for almost an hour after he arrives.

"I have nothing on my fridge, so I... uh, I think I should go to the supermarket nearby to grab some foods," says Sehun, voice filled with unmasked nervousness. Luhan averts his gaze from the phone he's playing with, and with no expression whatsoever—that surely makes Sehun feel uneasy—he says, "I will go with you." Sehun nods in silence, walking ahead of him with Luhan tailing after him some minutes later.

Sehun has always been a fan of strolling around the streets of Lancaster alone in the night for the sake of relieving his stress. Right now, though, is different because he's walking side by side with a quiet Luhan, who hasn't produced a single word since he arrived here.

Feeling uneasy with the neverending silence, Sehun opens his mouth and looks at Luhan under his warm gaze. "Don't you feel cold?"

Luhan, looking puzzled by the sudden sound coming from his lover, lifts his head and looks at Sehun with a confused stare. "No," he says quietly, burying his head onto his brown shawl he's wearing. "But I'm hungry."

Sehun tries to surpress his smile and tilts his head to a large supermarket across the street. "We're almost there."

Lancaster at night is a marvelous sight to see, with streetlights illuminating every corner of the street and the skyscraper building decorating the city. Streets are covered with thick snow, people passing by are wearing layered of clothes and Edith Piaf's music playing vaguely from nearby Italian restaurant make the night seem longer than usual. The whole city looks like an unfinished painting covered in thick blanket of white-snow like a blank canvas with the splash of golden yellow from the streetlights and the dark sky hung overhead is just too contrast, pitch black against the white, fallen snow. The gentle wind becomes the only music in the quiet night, like a honest lullaby trying to lull people into a deep slumber and Sehun stays quiet as he just walks leisurely so Luhan wouldn't have to walk faste—

"Where is the Lancaster Canal?" Luhan asks suddenly, surprising Sehun as it's the first time Luhan starts a conversation with him.

"Do you want to go there?" Sehun asks in a sweet tone, wondering why Luhan asks about the famous canal all of sudden. Last time Luhan went to Lancaster three years ago, he didn't want to go there albeit Sehun pledged him to.

Luhan buries his hands deeper in his coat and how Sehun wants to hold them instead... The said man nods. "I do. But I think it's impossible since it's snowing so hard here."

Sehun knows that what Luhan just said is true, as Lancaster Canal will be just covered by snow and nothing to see there so he opts for another place to go. "Shall we go to Lune Millennium Bridge?"

"Huh?" Luhan stares in a complete confusion upon hearing the strange name. "What bridge?"

"A famous bridge here, and that's not too far from here. We can go there by foot," said Sehun, but knowing that Luhan must be so tired after the long journey he continues saying, "well, that's just if you want to."

"Is there any foodstall near that place?"

Sehun nods. "Yes."

Luhan looks at Sehun with his wide eyes, sparkling with curiosity and it dims every light in Lancaster in just a mere second. "Can we go there now and grab some foods nearby?"

"Eh? What about the supermarket?"

Luhan seems like he's thinking about it for a second, as his gaze wanders around and stops at the supermarket just across the street. "I don't feel like I want the supermarket food."

And who is Sehun to say no?

Even though they have to return to the main street and go through some blocks in the middle of hard snow and the lowest temperature of Lancaster, Sehun really doesn't mind if he gets to see Luhan being happy—albeit he doesn't show it, but Sehun certainly knows—and spends his time here with him.

"Is Beijing snowing this hard?"

Luhan shakes his head in silence. He hugs his own body like a day old baby wrapping in a thick blanket. A small smile appears and it's the first smile Sehun sees today. Seeing Luhan's smile feels like another captivating idea of the sun rising each morning, bestowing brilliance, igniting colours to vibrant hues and making Sehun feel warm and secure. "It isn't. Lancaster is the coldest place I've ever been. My hands are freezing and I think I will get a cold tomorrow."

I wouldn't mind holding them, Sehun wants to say those words but instead he says, "I told you to put more clothes on."

Luhan's gaze drops and once again, a not-so-comfortable silence engulfs them.

Fifteen minutes later and here they are, standing in the Lune Millennium Bridge. Some people are also there. Some are just passing by, some are savoring the moment with their loved ones or friends while feeling every snowflake falling from the darkest sky, some are running hurriedly trying not to be outside for so long, and some really have nothing to do in mind like Sehun and Luhan.

Sehun is accustomed to being a part of Lancaster's rush-hour every day and this kind of silence overwhelms him. Luhan is always quiet, always has less words to say yet Sehun always has something to say and seeks for words in everything he encounters. Both of them are like the fallen snow in the dark sky--so different yet it always falls into its place somehow but now, Sehun doesn't know what kind of state they are in.

Luhan has always been mysterious and sometimes Sehun cannot depict what is on his mind. These three months Luhan has been acting so strange, he distances himself from Sehun. He even rejects his phonecalls or lets Sehun's message go unread. Whenever Sehun wants to talk about it, Luhan always finishes it with an it is okay while Sehun knows it isn't. It feels like Beijing to Lancaster doesn't give Luhan enough distance and he chooses to make another space that suffocates Sehun.

Luhan stands beside Sehun, leaning against the cold metal of the bridge covering with thick snow and Sehun wonders if Luhan has changed and now loves winter moreso. His brown hair is covered with snow, looking so soft and the tenderness in Luhan's eyes melt the cold feeling away, although he doesn't even look at Sehun. Sehun lifts his left hand to brush the snow resting upon Luhan's brown hair, revealing the engrained beauty that is Luhan in his thick, winter clothes, no snow in sight. Luhan smiles upon receiving the lovely gesture, but says nothing nonetheless.

The bridge is too broad and they are just three centimetres apart but the distance between Luhan and Sehun is quite far.

Distance. It is always distance that separates and threatens them. The silence is like a poison to them, as the absence of sound where their conversation is laid bare sums up their relationship these months. Sehun cannot stand another silence hung in the air like ticking bomb ready to explode, so he opens his mouth. "Why are you here, Luhan?"

"Sehun." Luhan's voice has never changed through the years and it's still so dreamy and sultry like a new melody better than Chopin's, or better put, like human magic upon the air. He speaks his name like it's the easiest thing to say, like Sehun is in his every prayer and God has heard it countless times it makes Luhan's voice emerges in familiarity with every syllable of the said name. "Wouldn't it be too late for you to ask that question?"

Sehun spares one fresh glance at Luhan whose gaze is directly thrown at him. Luhan's twinkling eyes are bright but tired and Sehun vows he sees a flash of blurred hope and neverending pleas yet he pushes it aside and blurts out, "what?"

"I took a 30-hour flight right from Beijing in ungodly hour and took two different buses here in Lancaster, being lost for three hours too and even lost my belongings because you know I'm clumsy, body drenching in rain and freezing from the snow falling. You didn't even say hi, you didn't even hug me or kiss me. You just stood there stoically I thought you were not pleased to see me."

Luhan is breathlessly silent after saying those words but his eyes tell something unspoken.

"Why didn't you say that you'd come here, then? Why did you act so strange these months? Why did you reject my calls? why did you ignore my message and skype?" Sehun asks, eyes never leaving Luhan's. His throat is aching and suffocated with words he wishes he could just blurt out without feeling the need to wait for the other to say something.

"I'm tired, Sehun."

"Of what?" Sehun has no intention of producing such harsh tone while speaking to his dear lover, but now he unconsciously does so.

The buzzing sound of the wind has ebbed to nothingness and Luhan lets a long sigh before replying. "Of messages. Of phonecalls. Of communication. Of staying up late waiting for you to call me back and finding the right time just so I could hear your voice or know how your day is going. Of being separated from you. Of distance, too."

Sehun stands frozen, dominated with fatigue engraved on his worn face. His heart is aching with hollowness and the rotten crowd's voice surrounding them vanishes into Luhan's deafening words. Luhan has always been the quiet type of person but once he speaks, he speaks nothing but honest confession, bare and .

Sehun takes a good look at Luhan's face, how his pale skin is so contrast with his dark brown hair and the obvious blush from the cold feels like his figure is the finest painting that can put Dorian Gray to shame. His well-loved eyes, though, brim with tears and one blink is enough to make those crystal clear fall but Sehun knows better that Luhan never cries. He thinks crying is some sort of weakness so he doesn't cry and he won't cry.

"Luhan..." Sehun fixes his gaze at Luhan's only figure, disregarding everything and in his honest imagination in Luhan's astounding presence none of this picture-postcard view in his surrounding is real.

"I'm tired of distance playing with our heart," says Luhan with a strained sound. "I'm tired of Beijing and Lancaster or even Seoul where we should meet every year. I'm tired of not being able to touch you and hug you when you need it the most. I'm tired of your muffled sound and different timezone and those ty internet connection. I'm tired... not of you nor this relationship, but of this distance that gives no mercy to us."

Luhan speaks in a hurried but soft tone, nonetheless—an elusive rhythm, a fragment of unfounded words that portray nothing but explicit image of their youth being together as distance is just two blocks away and timezone is struck at zero. Sehun lets himself be drawn in Luhan's eyes which let citylights hide in embarrasment and there is a stir and bustle among the stars whispering concrete envious upon knowing Luhan's orbs radiate warmness and love when seeing Sehun.

Sehun. Oh Sehun.

A lost dancer trying to catch his big dream in Lancaster, the busiest city where all hopes seem too high and love feels like a wonder.

Sehun's eyes brim with tears as he holds and hugs Luhan dear, so dear and so tight he no longer needs any distance separating them.

Luhan is here.
Luhan is here, with him, in the middle of Lancaster where he feels the loneliest. And Sehun feels something creeping in his hear—something akin to being home.

"My life has been disordered ever since I moved to this place," Sehun whispers in Luhan's tightened hug. "I want to recollect something... something about being with you, something about staying with you, something about not being separated from you but what can I do, Luhan, what can I do?"

Sehun talks a lot and says something along the lines of wanting to recover some memories with Luhan, or maybe of loving Luhan in its right way. The loneliness lies within Sehun's every word, the honest yet painful longing he has been trying to hide... it all comes to the surface and Luhan tries so hard to bite his lips so he wouldn't cry with him.

A silver curve of the moon hovers in the dark sky and Luhan wonders if the distance separating the moon from the earth is ever this far, and if being unable to touch one another is ever this painful.

"Dancing is my dream, Luhan, like mathematics to you. But you are my life too."

Luhan's only tear falls with the snowflakes, confessing profound love and longing without words. The late night has made them tranquil and the silence speaks on their behalf, conveying the I miss you and this distance s us up but none of them can really blame on anything.

Luhan thinks they have drunk in enough silence and he has accepted the fact that everything is so unfortunate. Everything is so unfair—how they only want to reach their dreams and continue loving one another, something that feels so egoistic but they both cannot give up neither their dreams nor their relationship. And they both know, albeit it's hard, that they won't stop here.

Luhan's grip on Sehun's coat tightens when he asks, "we would never give up on each other, right?"

Sehun holds Luhan like his life depends on it. Nodding in silence, he hopes that the universe gives her blessing to them too.

"Choosing to fall in love with you comes with a responsibility to stay with you for a longer time than this."

Luhan laughs upon hearing those cheesy words. "How long is that?"

Sehun swings his body on and forth like pendulum and Luhan follows his rhyme. "I don't know. How long do you want it to be?"

Luhan tilts his head so his chin is rested upon Sehun's chest and he can hear his lover's heartbeat. Luhan's twinkling eyes meet Sehun's melancholic ones and the sparkling, tiny lights of stars dim in shame upon competing with their loving gaze. "A little bit less than forever?"

Sehun's laugh is so melodious it puts a baby to his deep slumber. "Why don't you want a forever?"

"Forever is scary."

Sehun nods upon hearing Luhan's clever answer. Forever is impossible, it doesn't exist here or in retrospect and they don't want any sweetnothing lying bare between their honest yet simple love.

Because Luhan and Sehun can't promise forever as they are just two people who have their own limit and they can get tired too. But Luhan is right, a little less than forever is enough. Their journey might be scary as distance is their real enemy who gives no help nor reassurance and time is just too cruel, twinning with distance ready to destroy their love but they know better than giving up, right?

"All right, then. A little less than forever."

Both Sehun and Luhan are shocked by each other's importance and vulnerability in each other's lives—the thought of being separated again days from now on scares them but they have chosen, and in every choice they are facing, the answer is only one.

Each other.

fin