People always say that I am weird because I like to be alone. People said that I am living my life, out of all the trouble and problems. But some said that I am just hiding my loneliness behind books. Just because I was always found bringing books with me everywhere I go. 

 

What they said is not wrong, I am just escaping reality, hiding my problems behind words. It doesn’t mean I never have problems, I have tons. Having anxiety is not fun, just one small thing can make you think about a lot of negative what-ifs. 

 

You are always there when I was down, you held my hands and you hug me. You ask what got into me and try to make me talk it out, and when I pour out all my emotions, you are there listening. You never once complained when I randomly called you at midnight just because I am feeling uneasy and wanting to talk. You always listen and hum from time to time. 

 

When I am feeling so down, and when I can’t describe why with words, you are there, hugging me, holding me tight and you pick me up from the ground, you told me that you got me, that you told me I must stand, I have to be strong. 

 

There is this one time, we have group work. And because of my personality, I am just too shy to even blend in with my classmates. And so in the end, I messed up the presentation and we got a low score. My teammates blame me for it, but I also know, there is another reason my we got a low score. The presentation itself is crappy. 

 

I tremble when they pointed fingers to me, I want to cry but I know that if I cry they won’t stop anyway. So I hold my tears and try to be strong. You saw the scene and you run to me. You hug me, shielding my ears and you scold them. You held me by my hands, pulling me along with you to our secret hiding place, garden behind our campus.

 

“You are an amazing person, Yubin. Don’t listen to what the other is telling you, belief in yourself. And believe in me. You are you, and not what the other is saying about you. I believe in you, and you are never a disappointment.” 

 

There is this other time, we are having a sports day and my name got listed into a soccer team. I don’t know if they randomly picked it or not, but I am quite sure that they did it on purpose. I hate sports and they knew it. I don’t like to be involved in a crowd and they knew it. But still, they put down my name and expect me to be there. 

 

As expected I have my breakdown in the middle of the game. My body is trembling, my vision is blurred and I am having a cold sweat, but no one is there helping me. Until you push to pass through the crowd and you picked me up princess style and walk out away from the crowds.

 

“Look at me, Yubin. Breathe, you will be okay. I will be here.”  And you just hug me patting my back, humming a song until my breath is even and calms down. You know I will calm down when you do that. 

 

When you have to travel to London because you are invited to this English competition, you told me that I can always call you if I am troubled. And you told me no matter what time it is you will always pick up my calls. I told you not to go, but you said that you wanted to do this. Not wanting to be a selfish girlfriend I am I let you go, wishing you luck.

 

“Yoohyeon…” I called, not looking at the time. 

 

“Yubin, is everything okay?” You picked up right away after a ring, and I can hear your sleepy voice. That is when I realized, it’s midnight on your side. 

 

“Ah, sorry I didn’t realize the time. Let’s just talk later.” I feel sorry for waking her up.

 

“No, it’s okay, Yubin. What happens?” She asks, fully wakes up now.

 

“I just… I miss you…”

 

“Hahaha, I will be back in 2 days Yubin. And I miss you too.” You laugh. And I can feel tears down my face. “Why are you crying?” you ask. 

 

“How do you know…?” 

 

“I know you, Yubin. You don’t have to sob for me to know you are crying.”

 

“Yoohyeon?”

 

“Yes?” 

 

“I love you.”

 

“I know, I love you too.” 

 

“Now go back to sleep, and see you in 2 days?” I finally feel better and I told you with a smile. I can hear you chuckle and yawn before you hung up the phone. 

 

I went to the airport, waiting for your arrival. And when you walk out the arrival gate, I ran to you, hugging you tight. You chuckle and hug me back, saying that I look like a baby panda hugging a tree. You like to call yourself a tree and me as a panda, that’s our way of showing our affection to each other. 

 

You are always there, telling me to hold my head up when the world is kicking me down. You are always there, hugging me, sing to me when I feel down. You are always there, listening to me when I feel like talking out my problems. You held my focus and not letting me go. For that, I am growing and I owe it to you. I don’t know if I can survive without you, but you always tell me, that you will forever be there for me. And I owe it to you. I love you, Kim Yoohyeon.