Few years from now

Sooyoung of SNSD once said, people can say or speculate whatever they want, but if you are not SNSD, then you wouldn’t know.

Lots of people wished to know what happen inside SNSD. All the truth, the lies, the friendship, the relationship and the hardship, behind the smile that always shown by SNSD members. SNSD may not as popular as they used to and they were not at their peak state anymore. But that did not mean their loyal fans forget about them. Their curiosity of SNSD’s behind the scenes never really fade away.

Taeyeon, being the leader of SNSD for years, has everything now. She sucessfully brought SNSD as the nation girl group, she established herself as one of the top singer and she kept her popularity by also being the entertainer by having her own reality shows and such. But, everybody knows that Taeyeon is a loner and she is very well-preserved. It was hard to read Taeyeon as she always kept everything to herself.

All these years, Taeyeon always had a hard time to open up to people. She chose to pour everything into her diary or her journal (whatever she wanted to call it), to let out her feelings. After years passing by, she finally decided to publish her writing into a book, not to only sastisfy the fans but also to let the whole world knows that despite people called her and SNSD as  ‘Godesses’, Kim Taeyeon (including SNSD) is just a human. She experienced happiness, sadness, hardtimes, difficulties, proud moments, friendships and of course, love.. just like anybody else in this world.

Of all the chapters in Taeyeon’s book, there is one short chapter that made everyone curious. This one particular chapter was talking about unrequited love, someone who slipped away from Taeyeon, someone that got away and apperantly, the biggest regret of Taeyeon’s life. But the thing is, nobody would know who that person is as in the chapter, not once Taeyeon mentioned her or his name. People can speculate, but then again, if you were not Kim Taeyeon, you wouldn’t now.

 

A woman was sipping her wine on a one fine evening in her balcony of her house, while reading Taeyeon’s book. Funny how she knew Taeyeon for a long time, she was still found surprises when she read Taeyeon’s book. There was always something new to her knowledge every time she flip a page, everytime she moved to each chapter. And now, she started to read the chapter about love.

“Everybody thought that I don’t like this person. When in reality, it was totally the opposite.

I met this person long time ago, when I was still a trainee. It was not love at the first sight for sure. This person was really shy and quiet. I, on the other hand, just a new girl with a little awkwardness in me at that time. It was actually amazing how we can be friends afterwards, we found a balance between us and we grew closer. This person loves to sing, and not gonna lie I love this person voice. So soft, relaxing and beautiful. And, I love when we singing together from time to time. Our voice did match with each other. Our voice complete each other.

So then we became good friends. As time goes by, I realized that this person has the biggest heart and so I felt more and more comfortable to be around this person. Without I realized it, my life started to revolve around this person. A smile always formed on my lips whenever I saw this person, an unexplained happiness creeped in my chest everytime I knew that I will met this person after practice, an anxious feeling started to raise whenever i didn’t get to see this person in my days. This person becoming more special each day to me. Then soon after, I started questioning this foreign feeling towards this person.

One day, I was really sick during my time as a radio DJ. I could still managed to finish my duty as the DJ, but actually I tried to so hard to spoke with my raspy voice and dripping nose. I felt my head was spinning and my body ached by the time I finished the DJ. I was surprise when manager Oppa picked me up that midnight, this person was there with him.

“What are you doing here?”, I asked this person. On one hand, I was confuse on why this person had to follow our manager to pick me up. But on the other hand, I couldn’t hide my joyfulness seeing this person.

“I knew you are sick, Taeyeon. I just wanted to make sure that you are okay. I was worried about you.”, this person replied and smiled.

“You don’t have to do this, you know. Plus, it’s late.”, I protested but this person just chuckled.

This person shook its head. “Can a friend worry towards a friend?”

I smiled and mouthing thank you to this person. This person suddenly lift up its hand, showing a package that look like food.

“Have you eaten?”, this person asked. I shooked my head as a reply.

Then this person smiled again. “I figured. I bought you a porrige. You should eat it when you reach the dorm, arasso? I don’t take no for an answer.” This person stated firmly makes me just nodded my head.

Once we reached my dorm, this person followed me to the dining room to make sure that I ate the porrige. Then this person took the medicine and force me to drink it also, before I can protest. There was a slight happiness because I felt that this person knew me very well, that I would be that stubborn to reject the medicine. A satisfied smile forming on this person lips when I finally eat the medicine. Then this person carress my hair and kissed my forehead.

“You should go to sleep. Goodnight, Taengoo.”

By the time this person did that, I felt a funny sensation on my chest and butterflies flung around my stomach. My heart beat so fast as if it will burst out anytime now. Then it hit me, I knew that I fell for this person.

After that person left, I went to my bedroom. But instead of sleeping, which is the only thing that I should do because I was sick, I found myself wide awake. Thinking about this person.

From that moment on, everything changed. I felt my cheek blush whenever I talked to this person, I couldn’t even cater my words right in front of this person, I suddenly become numb as I think to much of what I want to say to this person, and I froze whevener this person touch my hand or pat my head. At first I really wanted to tell this person how I feel, that this person was very special to me. But then again, I remember that we have a dating ban at that time, and it could ruin our friendship, it can ruin my image and our group image if people find out. Moreover, SNSD’s popularity was getting higher and higher. We were the it group, a high demand. And I chose SNSD over my feelings, as a leader I should protect SNSD and I couldn’t let my feelings towards this person crushed SNSD, not when SNSD was gaining acknowledment from the world.  

My confusion and my conflicting feelings slowly created a distance between us. Everytime I wanted to get close again to this person, something always hold me back. It didn’t help either when this person also grew closer with ‘the other one’. I hate to admit but ‘the other one’ is…. literally and completely everything that I am not. ‘The other one’ is playful, knows how to sweet talk, really gentle and didn’t afraid to show how care ‘the other one’ to this person. As we all were in one circle of friends, I couldn’t avoid to witnessed their closeness. Everytime I saw how sweet ‘the other one’ to this person, I felt jealous, anger, but I couldn’t do anything about it. There were times where suddenly I just burst out my anger to them, simply because I was jealous when I saw this person brought food for ‘the other one’ and they talked as if they were husband and wife and that’s why they were so sweet to each other. This person used to do the same to me, this person used to brought me food when I was sick. But now all of those things that this person done to me, this person did it to ‘the other one’.

When I got angry at them, everyone (a.k.a my friends) was confused as I actually had no reason whatsoever to be angry. Everyone thought I hate this person. No! Of course not. I do not hate this person. I was in love with this person. So in love until I did stupid things because I really didn’t know what to do.

One day this person finally asked me and wanted to clarify our distance relationship.

“Have I done something wrong? Why are you so cold to me nowadays?”

I just stared at this person with my façade face “Nothing is wrong. Everything’s fine.”, I answered shorly.

“But you are… different now. Well, I miss hanging out with you.”, this person said bluntly.

“I think I was just too busy with my never-ending schedules. Sorry if you took it the wrong way.”, honestly I didn’t know how to respond. I felt so happy when I heard that this person misses me because of course, I miss this person so much too. But I didn’t dare to say whatever I want to say, I was not bold enough to blurted out my feelings so sudden, I just couldn’t.

“Okay. Well, just let me know if you want to… hangout, I mean, maybe have a coffee or something.”, this person said and ready to leave.

Sensing the fear that I may have no chance to talk in private again with this person, my lips suddenly calling this person name. “Hey..Wait…”

This person looked back at me. Staring at me and patienly waiting what I was about to say. I opened my mouth but my words like stuck in my throat. A fear of rejection suddenly popped out in my head and sneaked into my heart. So I just said nothing and smiled weakly.

The love mixed with never ending jealousy and sadness made me withdrew myself from this person. One of my best friend actually noticed it and confronted me about it. At first I didn’t want to tell my best friend anything but she kept pushing me so at the end I told her about my feelings to this person. My best friend told me that she thinks this person also have feelings to me, that my feelings is not one-sided but being a stubborn head that I am, I said to her that there is no way I can beat ‘the other one’. Definetely I will lose the competition. My best friend then scolded me and said how dumb I was because not only I hurt myself, I also hurt this person by acting cold all the time. She further encouraged me to confess my feelings to this person and amend our relationship. She tried to convince me not to be afraid of rejection, because she said, people don’t get picky when they are in love, and it will apply to this person.   

While I gathered my courage to finally speak to this person and say about my feelings, suddenly my nightmare become real. This person and ‘the other one’ annouced that they are in a relationship. My whole world crushed when I heard that. My chest hurt so much and I felt my world crumbled. I couldn’t even cry as just became numb like that. All the situation became worse to me as I had to witness them being so lovey-dovey to each other. I begin to feel lonely, so lonely as I longing for this person. I had so many sleepless night thinking about this person, tried to erase my broken heart. I have lost my chance simply because I was being a coward for all this time. I couldn’t help but to think that it should be me in ‘the other one’’s position, holding this person’s hand, kissing this person’s cheek, and claiming this person’s love. I would trade my soul just to be in ‘the other one’s position. But of course, it is all to late and it was all my fault.I kept blaming myself for the damage that I created for myself.

I avoided this person completely. I chose to limit my interraction with this person. But it was actually killing me inside. Sometimes I had to turn my head away just because I couldn’t bear seeing this person acting oh so sweetly to ‘the other one’, sometimes I had to avoid this person’s eye contact because I was scared I will be brokenhearted when I no longer saw the same sparkle in this person’s eye like this person used to show me, and most of the time, I just ignore this person because it was hard to accept the fact that I can never be this person’s someone special.     

There was one time that I had a little argument with ‘the other one’ when this person was not there with both of us. ‘The other one’ clearly not amused on how I treat this person.

“What is wrong with you? What happened to you both?”, ‘the other one’ asked.

“Nothing. We are fine.”, I replied. I really don’t like this conversation. Especially talking about this person with ‘the other one’.

“Come on, Taeyeon. You both were best friends. I didn’t know what happen with you guys, but please just stop doing this.You’re my friend too, you know. I want everything to be fine.”

“Well, we just grew apart. Things like that happened in friendship, okay.”, I cut the conversation short and just left ‘the other one’.    

“What are you afraid of? Why cant you just admit it?”, ‘the other one’ was not ready to let me go without answer.

“Would you just stop asking? I already told you we are fine!”, I raised my voice. I just felt annoyed.

“Tell me, maybe I can help.”, ‘the other one’ not ready to give up apparently.

“no-one and nothing can help me. Not even you.”, I replied coldly.

“I saw the look on your eyes everytime you look at ---“

“Don’t even go there.”, I cut the sentence and just walked away.

I guess… or I think.. maybe.. ‘the other one’ knew that I had feelings to this person. But we never talked about it again. We just left it hanging like that. Just put it this way, ‘the other one’ knew, but ‘the other one’ also realize that I completely aware this person had already given its heart to ‘the other one’ and I didn’t have any kind of intention to break their relationship, despite my feelings towards this person. So we just leave it like that and moved on. 

Somehow I managed to survive to live my days as years passed with this person being in a steady relationship with ‘the other one’. I should thank my best friend though. I always turned to her for comfort, she consoled me and always there by my side. My best friend became my source of happiness. She was my soulmate. I was so grateful that I have her in my life. As time passes by, I finally be able to talked to this person again and tried to fix our broken friendship. Slowly but sure, I got closer to this person again. I knew we wouldn’t be able to be close as we used to, but this is enough for me. My love for her is enough for both of us.

But then the storm came. There was a chaos and this person just left like that, vanished within a second, forever. Some of my friends blame me for it, even the whole world was blaming me. I didn’t know what I do wrong. I wanted to tell the world that when this person left, this person took everything away from me. I wanted to tell everyone in this world that for the second time, my world crushed. Didn’t they know I was damn hurt when that happened? But I was really  a coward, I chose to be silent. I didn’t say anything back to the world. People lashed me out and they flooded me with their attack over and over again. I just kept quiet. What’s the point anyway, I have lost this person completely, there is nothing to say. I didn’t have the energy to fight half of the world with my broken heart.

So then I became to feel depressed due to the pressure that people gave me. I was so depressed until I felt numb. I begin to take medication because my depression becoming worse, people kept accusing me with their harsh words, my world become darker as the only person that matters to me has gone, and I could not really show people how I felt, what kind of the real person I was. I wanted to scream to the world about those feelings inside me, but my head stopped me from doing it. Yes people can still see me smile but they didn’t know how broken my smile was. My friends and my fans were the ones who make me stronger each and everyday. I still see this person everywhere, I saw this person in my dreams, where both of us were happy as we have each other. While I saw this person in reality, this person was happy with someone else. But nothing else I can do. Nevertheless,I have to be okay, I have to and I will be okay.

With my busy schedules I tried to drown myself in all of the activities I had. My feelings for this person has never went away, but I have closed them and kept it save in one spot in my heart. I swear to my life that I was not going to open it again. Sometimes, when I scrolled my phone I would stared at our old pictures together, my heart always shattered. But I cant help it as I miss this person so badly, especially when I was alone in a hotel room after I finished my concert or fan meeting abroad. I cant help but to think that I wish I was a little bit brave before, to say my feelings to this person and didn’t let my chance slipped away. Maybe things would be different now. Maybe I didn’t have to endure this never-ending broken heart. Now it is too late, very too late. I have done so many mistakes in my life and regret each of them, but this one….., this person was my biggest regret.   

So to this person, wherever you are, if there is a chance that you are reading this, I just wanted to say that I am sorry for being a coward before and hurt you, I really miss you and I love you very much. I hope you are happy, wherever you are.

Jessica finished the chapter and stared in disbelief at the book she was holding.

Was she talking about me?

Jessica was 100% sure that Taeyeon was referring to her in her book. She still remember clearly the conversation she had with Taeyeon when Taeyeon was sick and she still remember every words that she said to Taeyeon when she asked about Taeyeon cold manner towards her. It matched with what was written in the book. Jessica could not believe it, all this time Taeyeon was actually in love with her? Jessica never thought that midget had feelings for her, even until now. She wore her mask perfectly until Jessica herself cannot even read her mind and her actions.

Her thinking was interrupted when someone barged in into the balcony and kissed her forehead.

“Do you still read Taeyeon’s book? How was it?”

Jessica chuckled a little. “It was… interesting. You thought you knew someone. But well, yeah.. That’s just Taeyeon.”, she said.

“I figured….. Well, I am about to prepare dinner. I will call you once dinner is ready.”

Jessica then looked at someone that now standing beside her. In her mind, she can’t help but wondering how things would turn differently if Taeyeon was brave enough to confess her feelings to her before. Maybe Taeyeon will be the one who stands beside her now, kissing her forehead.

A small smile formed on her lips as she shook head. Thinking about what could have happened between her and Taeyeon. If only…. Well….maybe in a another lifetime. Because for now, she would not trade someone besides her for anything.

Jessica leaned in and placed a kiss on that someone’s cheek. “Goodnight, Kwon. I love you.”

“I love you too, baby”

On the other side of Seoul, Taeyeon was doing a press release regarding her newly published book. As expected, most of the questions from the journalist was revolving around the identity of ‘this person’. The particular short chapter about the unrequited love caused a chaos and broke the internet as people started to speculate who actually ‘this person’ is. Some people guessed that ‘this person’ is a guy within SM, including Leetuk or Jonghyun (RIP) maybe. But then again, it seemed the story doesn’t really match with the guys as guessed by people. Most of people would say that ‘this person’ is Jessica as the relationship that Taeyeon had been describe in the book is somewhat really close to what happened between them.

The next thing people are really curious about was the identity of ‘the other one’. People did not have any clue whatsoever who is ‘the other one’ if the guess of ‘this person’ was a guy. But if ‘this person’ is actually Jessica, then people have guessed that ‘the other one’ was maybe Taecyeon, or maybe other guys that Jessica had been rumoured to be dated. Few people have different view and guessed that it was someone within SNSD itself and Yuri is the popular suspect.

“Taeyeon-shi, would you disclose the identity of ‘this person’ on your book?”, one of the journalist asked.

“Is it a guy or a girl?”, the other one asked too.

“Is it Jessica?”, even the journalist are not afraid to be blunt and pointed out straightly to Jessica.

Taeyeon startled a bit when she heard Jessica’s name was mentioned. She stared blankly to nowhere for a second before she did the damage control. Then she just smiled. “No comment.”, she answered shortly.

People can guess, people can speculate about the identity of ‘this person’ character in her book, even further, people can accused firmly that it was indeed Jessica. But Taeyeon did not care. Of course she was unable to disclose the identity, both Jessica and her are still in the entertaiment industry and no way Taeyeon would jeopardize both of their career by saying it out loud about who is behind ‘this person’ character is. Let people guess, let them talked about it, but as long as she kept silent, nobody would know. And again, this time, like she always did, Taeyeon chose to be silent.

“Are you planning to find this person and say about your feelings now?”, another question from a journalist.

Taeyeon just shrugged her shoulder. “It doesn’t matter now. I have lost my chance. This person is happy now and I will find my happiness as well.”, Taeyeon smiled again, weakly this time.

Sica, I knew you are reading my book somewhere. Please forgive me. I love you. 

 

END

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