The Risk of Dating Me

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So this was where my story begin, when me myself didn’t even realize that time had been passing so quickly that now I’ve grown into an 20 year old girl. The end of decade is right in front of my eyes by the moment I wondered: what have been going on during the past years?

There were so many thing happened since 2010, one of them was me getting into college after spending years in school. A lot of memories had been created and I couldn’t mention one by one of it. So many ups and downs going around my life and it didn’t come far from typical teen romantical stories.

Mostly of my middle and highschool life was filled with love story. Young people tends to seek for something called ‘love’ and that was what I did, too, until I now have a believe that the concept of romantical love never really is exist in the world. Not that I want to stick onto my belief on the meaning of ‘love’, but at least, I said what I believed that comes from past experiences. Special thanks to dozens of my exes.

Bae Joohyun, or simply, Joohyun, based on what my mom calls me, is me, yes. This is quite embarassing to write an article of myself which maybe, in the future, may become handy if I were about to get into another relationship with someone new, or someone familiar in the present, or maybe someone from the past. Writing this had been in my mind since a long time ago but I just have the opporturnity to do it now because when I had an idea of writing this, I didn’t have enough information about myself and was left confused why did people were so upset after our breakups.

I mean, relationships are made by people, two or more, who have mutual feelings to each other and decided to put their bond stronger other than just the word “friendship”. And when one loses that kind of feelings called love, why bother staying at the same place and dragging their feelings just in order not to hurt the other party?

I guess this is where my problem is.

I began doing these relationships since I was in middle school. It was when a phone brand named Nokia dominated the marketplace and that was when I began to know how to send a message or use the internet. Lots of boys and girls approached me through Facebook, even though they attended different school than me or were kilometers away from me.

And that was how I learnt that my face was considered pretty among other girls. That I was effortlessly getting so many confessions and chocolates whenever the time for valentine came. I got curious, what were these guys doing and why were they doing it. Is it fun to do something called ‘dating’? But yeah, my first experience of dating was with a guy named Suho who confessed to me not long after the day of valentine. I thought that was cute that he was waiting for his turn and didn’t want to give me more stress because they were a lot of boys chasing me.

He was nice, nothing wrong with our relationship until I found myself paying attention on girls more than I should’ve do to my boyfriend. And that was how I found out that I, am, a lesbian. So I nicely asked him to cut off our special bond and when he asked what was my reason, I answered with “I figured that I don’t have any particular interest on men”

He was upset, of course. He told me I should’ve rejected him that day rather than giving out false hope of thinking that I love him the same way he did to me. I apologized though, and now we didn’t even have each other’s number, I bet of it.

Yes, my first problem is that, I don’t like men.

Any kind of men, no matter handsome or not. Have big or small , all the same to me. Men are men. And I would not comment further than that.

Until I almost at the age of 14, and this is upsetting me until now with the fact that I couldn’t do anything to prevent it to happen. And it kind of traumatize me until my recent life that now I promised myself to never, ever, have with men. Period.

Second is, I am the type of person who is full of cheesetalks once I get interested in someone.

I mean yeah, it’s a pretty good fact, but also bad at some point. This makes my image bad because somehow it makes me looks like I’m only good at spitting words I don’t really mean. BUT, I do mean whatever I say, compliments, promises- NO, not promises. I promised myself not to make any promises to some else because I know that I would never be able to keep those promises.

But the thing is, those words were meant to be temporary as there’s nothing everlasting in this world. And I know that pretty well, and while words mostly would be forgotten, I did my very best to do whatever it took to get my desired one’s heart. Yeah, I have a tendency of falling in love quickly and madly in love just as fast as I got bored.

And this is the saddening part, I got bored quickly.

My longest relationship was 6 months long. And its not like I want it to happen like this, yet somehow I did it like that. Imagine getting 6 exes in a year, two of them broke up with me because of they asked to, while the rest, I asked for it. This is like Taylor Swift’s Blank Space in real life. I kept on telling myself that I would do better, I can do better, but no, the reality is, I am still stuck on my own bad habit who seeks for another warmth while I do have one.

It leads to a bitter fact, too bitter to swallow knowing that I once a cheater back then. I didn’t realize how hurt it was to the girls I cheated on because I kept on lying whenever I asked for a breakup. I told to myself, it was just an ordinary break up pain, it wouldn’t hurt and it would eventually heal anyway as long as they don’t caught me cheating. Yet God quickly didn’t let my plan to succeed because on my last relationship where I went cheating (again), I got caught by my girlfriend and I regretted that.

That was my reason to stop cheating and promised myself if ever I got bored, I will ask for a break up instead of staying whilst letting someone new come into my life.

Then I let this girl named Seulgi to enter my heart, I couldn’t give much, just my broken heart from past relationships. I told her so many times, I am not good enough for someone as nice as she is. Who is bright, bubbly, kind, and sometimes clumsy. She told me that she would accept me no matter what my past has said. But I’m afraid that I will let go with the silliest reason.

To my dearest Seulgi, who currently now is sleeping on my bed. We are already on our 3th month of relationship and I’m very proud to myself that I can stay this far without any boredom to stay with you all day because you always have your ways to liften up my mood. You made me cancel out so many plans of myself to meet another girl only so that I get to see your smile few more seconds, to stay with you few more minutes.

This doesn’t make sense at all because my ex once said, once a cheater, will always be a cheater. This scares me, what if someday I made a mistake? What if I disappoint someone as great as you, who is willing to spend some of her life time just to be with a trash, like me. I feel stupid, foolish whenever I think about my unforgivable past self.

It is concerning how I gradually build up a thick wall to keep you out of my mind so I can get back to my usual self where I wouldn’t worry about someone’s feelings but you always barge into my mind just by the moment you snuggle up to my chest, seeking for warmth in the middle of the cold November night.

How am I supposed to face the next day without any worries that my feeling for you may fade too quick? I don’t think I can bear seeing your sad face if I asked for a break up later. Damn, I shouldn’t put so many negativity in this but I cant help but do. I don’t think I deserve you, you deserve someone much better than someone with almost non-functional heart like me. You deserve to be happy, you do.

Though even if I hope that I will be someone who make you happy,
I will throw my expectation far away out of my sight,
because I know I cant.

I never cant.