As I walk along the halls, there are two thoughts that are constantly playing like drums on a battle field inside my head.

I’m ready.

I’m not ready.

I’m ready.

I’m not ready.

My life had always been a breeze thanks to an attitude of indifference. It’s now that I start feeling the pressure of academics. It’s now that I finally care about the fruits of my labour, the number at the top of my paper. It’s now that I feel anxiety and self-doubt when it comes to my own intelligence.

It’s silly, but incredibly human. My stomach is churning uncontrollably and I feel like I need to eat something to help it calm down. Each step I take makes my heart tense up. Every bone in my body has a slight itch that I can’t scratch, and even though I studied as hard as I possibly could for the past two months, it doesn’t feel like I’m ready. Even though I tell myself that I am.

Students are lining up beside classrooms in large herds. Everyone’s waiting for the examination to start in their own way. Some people were skimming through notes, others were chatting rambunctiously, or fidgeting with their fingers, but no one looked completely at ease. Every classroom door was sealed shut with a teacher standing watch. They were facilitating the process, yelling instructions furiously, telling students where to go. It almost feels totalitarian.

I reach into my pocket and pull out my test slip, which I received yesterday. On the bottom right, where it says test room, it reads: Classroom 2-8. I slowly make my way to the stairwell and head upstairs to meet destiny.

The students on the second floor aren’t any different from the ones down below, except for a couple of familiar faces. Sooyoung waves to me from down the hall and I greet her back with a smile. She makes a face, and I make one back. I can tell she’s feeling the pressure.

I walk in the other direction, towards my classroom, taking a few deep breathes to try and slow my pounding heart.

The Korean Collegiate Scholastic Aptitude Test - known as the Suneung - was a thing of myth. It was life or death for most – a way of determining one’s future success over the course of several hours. It was prepared by the nation’s top teachers and college professors, who are locked away for weeks in order to prepare multiple versions of the exam. Each one was meant to challenge the brightest of minds and was made to be absurdly difficult, which is why it was such a status symbol to attend the best schools. People would need a perfect score to attend the best universities in Korea. It’s normal for people to write it twice, but the thought of spending another year in high school was frightening.

The mantra that I created for myself is playing over and over again in my head.

‘Do it for yourself. Do it for yourself.’

But it creates a chilling thought. What if after all this time and effort I fail? What if I freeze the second my pencil touches the paper? I would feel utterly worthless. Would I have any self-confidence left?

I want to vomit from the overwhelming anxiety of my entire academic career coming down to one test. I want more time to prepare. I stop in the middle of the hallway to catch my breath, drawing stares from students nearby. My heart is no longer pounding, it’s hammering away. Self-doubt is just about the worst feeling ever. I want to run, but before I can even attempt a bold escape, somebody suddenly grabs my shoulders with a firm hold. It startles me, but I’m also thankful, because they’re keeping me right where I need to be.

“Did I surprise you?”

All the worrying goes away the second I hear her voice. She lets go of my shoulders, but I want her to get closer, not farther away. I turn to see her smiling at me with eyes that are teeming with life. Everyone else has a mask on, trying their best to act normal, but Seohyun was always Seohyun. At least, that’s how I saw it in my head.

“You’re looking awfully happy.”

Seohyun nodded. “Aren’t you excited?”

“If this is your idea of excitement, then I’d hate to know what you find exhilarating.”

Seohyun frowns. “Aren’t you ready for the test?”

“Yeah, totally read-”

My voice cracks embarrassingly before I can finish my sentence. Seohyun grins as I feel an overwhelming sense of embarrassment override my other emotions. I try to reassert my point, but she grabs my hand without a second thought and guides me to a nearby stairwell.

The other students give us some bizarre stares as she drags me along.

Yes, we’re weird. Deal with it.

“Where are you taking me?” I blurt out.

Seohyun swings the door open without an answer. It’s more intimate here, with only a few students passing by.

“Yoona, you’re nervous.”

“I’m not nervous.”

She sees right through my lie.

“Well, if you were nervous, you have nothing to worry about. You’re ready.” She speaks as if it’s a matter of fact, as if I can’t do anything wrong. It’s oddly reassuring. I trust her words more than my own, but it’s not enough to ease my conscience.

“Yeah, I know I’m ready.” This time, I summon that courage to say it without embarrassing myself.

She takes off her backpack and reaches into her knapsack, pulling out a carton of banana milk and a white plastic straw.

“I brought this for you.”

I wanted to kiss her, at least, my stomach wanted too. Okay fine, I totally wanted to kiss her. It was something that we always drank as kids and I was still fond of it even now. She was always so thoughtful. The milk would help me settle my rumbling tummy.

“You’re a saint.”

She modestly shakes off my compliment and opens the carton. Putting the straw inside, she hands it to me.

I take a small sip first, just to wet my lips, but pretty soon, I start gulping it down. I’m feeling hungry, at least hungrier than I was this morning when I was already brooding over my impending doom. More students climb the stairwell to the second floor. I can’t help but notice the looks of dread on their faces.

“We should celebrate tonight. Do something special,” Seohyun suggested. “It’s not every day you finish an exam like this.”

The thought of spending more time with Seohyun is far too enticing to pass up. Besides debate club and our study sessions – which were literally just studying – we barely had any personal time.

“What’d you have in mind?” I ask.

“I think Tiffany unnie said she was free.”

I remember the call Tiffany gave me last night, sharing a few words of wisdom. Thinking on them now put a smile on my face. “If you don’t know the right answer, eliminate the wrong ones and guess. When you have absolutely no clue, pick C,” she said.

“Why C?” I asked.

“Just pick C.”

Looking back at Seohyun, I accept her invitation. “Sounds like fun.”

The school’s PA system rings and we hear the booming voice of our principal. “The examination will start in five minutes. Please go to your designated classrooms immediately.”

Seohyun doesn’t seem fazed at all by the announcement.

“I guess we should go?”

“Not yet.” Seohyun reaches into her backpack and pulls something out, concealing it behind a closed fist.

“Give me your hand.”

I comply and watch as she puts her closed fist over my open palm. She opens her fist and I feel the weight of something drop into my hand. It feels like plastic against my skin. Finally, she takes her hand away to reveal her surprise.

“Ta-da,” she says, with a wide smile.

It’s a small and clear plastic bag protecting a gift that makes me smile. I open it and pull it out - a silver bracelet with a pair of angel wings dangling from it.

“Here let me help you put it on,” she says excitedly.

I unclasp the bracelet and hand it to her. Seohyun can’t hide her goofy excitement. She places it around my right wrist and clasps it back into place. Its light on my arm, but it feels more valuable than any precious metal.

“It made me think of you when I saw it,” she said with a smile. “I thought it would give you some more confidence.” Seohyun came in for a hug and I didn’t quite know how to react to it.

“This exam isn’t the devil, Yoona. It’s your angel in disguise.”

Her words are comforting and I can’t help but feel some tears well up in my eyes. There she was again, turning my demons into angels.  “Thanks Seohyun. This means a lot to me.”

I desperately want to tell her that I love her, but would she take it the wrong way?

Seohyun releases me from the hug and I can’t help but notice some glares from a bunch of people watching us from the halls.

There’s one thing that I know I can say: “I’m thankful that you’re in my life.” In my head, I think, “Even if you don’t love me. Even if I can’t have you.”

Seohyun smiles. “I’m thankful too. Come on, let’s go. We’ve got an exam to ace.”

With that, we exited the stairwell and went our separate ways without a word. I now had a newfound determination and an angel on my wrist to protect me. I'm not anxious or afraid.

I'm ready.

∙∙∙

I’m at home waiting for Tiffany to drop by before I can get out of the house. My mom took the day off, so she insisted that I eat at home, which meant I had to leave right after the exam to eat a feast that she prepared. My mom was full of questions on the ride home, and after answering all of them, I needed to do something mindless.

My phone vibrates and I head out the door, saying goodbye to my mom on the way out.

Inside Tiffany’s car, Seohyun is already sitting in the front seat. Their eyes are fixed on me the second I enter.

“How’d the exam go?” Tiffany asks, shooting me her eye-smile as I get comfortable in the back seat.

“It went great,” I reply with cheer.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Yoona, that’s awesome. I’m proud of you.” Tiffany starts the car and I hear the engine’s familiar hum. “Don’t worry. We’ll have fun tonight.” Tiffany puts the car in reverse, but Seohyun stops her from driving off.

“Yoona, please fasten your seat belt.” She says it with a serious but passive tone, and I can’t help but feel a little guilty. She liked to nag about little things like this.

“Sorry.”

The drive continues, and Tiffany refuses to tell us where we’re going. We head out of the residential area of Seoul and get right into the heart of the city. Tiffany turns into a parking lot and simply smiles at us.

“I invited some other people, if you don’t mind.”

Me and Seohyun look at each other for a brief moment, but we trust Tiffany enough to follow along with her plans. She parks and pays for a permit before she takes us onto a street with flashing lights everywhere.

We arrive in front of a set of glass doors that sit atop a stairwell that takes people down to the basement of a complex. There’s a big flashy sign and a few televisions that are showing the latest music idols on the big screen. I look up at the sign and read, Vitamin Noraebang.

Tiffany opens the door and I can hear the music immediately. She leads us downstairs as the music gets louder and louder with each step. There’s a bunch of rowdy looking teenagers chatting when we reach the bottom of the stairs. The place is packed, but the hostess looks at Tiffany and waves us over. She leads us down a long corridor, where there are other rooms of people singing away. Seohyun seems a little in awe of everything, but I’m more nervous about who Tiffany decided to bring with her.

The hostess stops in front of the last door on the right. “Enjoy. Just ring the red button if you need anything.” She hands us all drink menus and walks off.

Tiffany swings open the door and I half expect to see Donghae standing there with a flirtatious grin. But he’s not there. Neither is Kyuhyun.

I smile when I see the friendly faces that look up at us.

“Yah! Look who it is!”

Hyoyeon runs up to the two of us, punching Seohyun and me in the arm. “Congratulations!”

I can tell by the hint of red on her face that she’s had a few drinks. Tiffany has an awkward smile. “Now, now Hyoyeon, what did we say about beating up our maknaes hm?”

“What? I barely even touched them!”

Sunny is behind her, looking equally cheery. She hands Seohyun and me a deep red looking drink, similar to wine. “You guys deserve something to celebrate.”

Seohyun smells it and takes a gentle sip. I gulp it down and furl my brow.

“What is this?”

Sunny laughs. “Cranberry Juice. You didn’t think I would give you alcohol, did you?”

Jessica is behind the two of them, lying on the couch like a total queen. “What took you guys so long?”

Tiffany laughed and joined her. Hyoyeon and Sunny took our glasses, and handed the both of us a microphone.

“Hope you guys like singing!”

The two of them mischievously went through the song list as the two of us stared at each other speechless. A familiar rhythmic beat starts playing.

“I love this song!” I shout with glee.

Hyoyeon and Sunny come up to the front with microphones. I start dancing along and Hyoyeon joins me on stage as we goof around.

Seohyun tilts her head in confusion as we rock out.

“You don’t know this song?” I ask.

Seohyun shakes her head with a pout.

“It’s okay just follow along with the lyrics.” I point to the screen and see the first line come up.

I put the microphone up to my lips and stare at Seohyun with a grin, ready to sing: “Oppa Gangnam style.”

∙∙∙