When I was 7 years old, I first met Angel. A kind smile, warm embrace, gentle, soothing voice. This is what I remembered from my childhood. I remember trying to raise my eyes, but the light was so blindingly bright that my eyes hurt.

 

- It's nothing, everything will be all right. You don't cry anymore, okay? Your mom is looking at you now. What do you think she sees?

- What does she see? - From a loud sob, the voice betrayed only hoarse impulses, the nose of the nozzles and lips trembled.

- Cried eyes, smiles. Your eyes should always laugh. You are beautiful when you smile, Mi-young.

“Angel, how do you know my name?” - rubbing her wet eyes, the girl asked.

- Stupid, I'm an Angel. Come on, baby, sleep a little, gain strength, you need to say goodbye tomorrow to your mother tomorrow.

- You will be with me?

“I'll always be by your side, just look around and see me.”

***

When I was 10 years old, my memories of the Angel faded; I already thought that everything was a fiction then. Just my imaginary friend with whom I could talk. My friend, with whom I shared all the secrets and my first love in the next boy. My friend, who understood how hard it is for me to be here, in an unfamiliar city, in an unknown country, where my friends were only parents and an older sister.

 

- Do not cry, do not pour tears. Remember your promise to me?

- Always smile?

“I love your smile, Tiffany.”

- Will you come tomorrow?

“If I am gone tomorrow, I promise to find you.”

***

When I was 14 years old, my memories of the Angel were erased; there were only echoes of that past. My life has become diverse. I made friends, many friends, both at school and in the company I joined to fulfill my dream of becoming a singer. Singer Boa became my imitation. From an early age I liked all her songs, and on stage she shone.

The company itself chose me, and I, not resisting, followed the representative. And so, here I am, surrounded by the same dreamers as myself. My knowledge of the Korean language is still not at a high level, so I often come across the provocations of my friends, but I do not complain. I had fun here. Here I learned a lot of interesting, useful for my future debut.

***

After 2 years of my training there, She entered the practice room, a girl with beauty like the Snow Queen from a fairy tale.

I watched her from the side, afraid to violate her personal space with my loud voice and hyperreactivity.

Her name.

How old is she.

How long was she as an intern?

I found out all this from my friends or just heard someone say something.

I wanted to be friends with her.

Getting to know her was my number 1 on my wish list. And this chance fell, after a two-week wait.

In addition to the dance classes, we also had vocals in the company, trained our vocal chords, improving them every time. They gave us missions, and we prepared this or that song for preliminary listening.

We showed what came after a few weeks of training.

For a long time I chose which song to sing to show my voice, my choice fell on the American singer Adele.

Long practiced in sound, I had to stay in the music room, and pleased to know that I'm not the only one remained in the building. When I was resting or listening to the original song again, I heard how I trained in the next room. I did not see the face, but the voice that I heard excited my erased memory.

Vocalists gathered in one room. Our sombenim acted as judges. And I was scared. What if I’m so overwhelmed that my voice is lost?

- I ask the first performer on stage. Come on, who are we brave?

I was scared, so I squeezed into a lump and tried to become invisible to the vigilant look of the sombenim. Sneakily, I watched who dare and raise his hand first.

- Hello, my name is Jessica, I'm an intern for 4 years, now I will sing a song ...

Name and voice connected to one girl with whom I wanted to make friends. There was so much refined grace in it that the whole song I could not tear myself away from it. The voice was bewitching, penetrated into the innermost places of my heart. Returning me to the past, where I thought for a long time there is no place for me.

The applause thundered in my ears, but I focused on one silhouette that was now walking in my direction.

- Hi, I have long wanted to hear how you sing, so my choice fell on you. In addition, I am sure that your eyes, smiles are always smiling, even when they are sad and lonely.

From that day on, we did not spill water, friends who understood perfectly.

Gradually, friends joined us with a unique aura, with their style in singing and dancing.

***

When I turned 18, the producer told us that they decided to formulate a new group with an innocent concept that will bring a new fresh sound from our voices.

9 girls with different lifestyles began to prepare for the upcoming debut. First of all, we were shown the choreography of a future song.

The name of the song was very suitable for us. MC were going to a new world ever since, they understood that our life belongs to the stage. We can show all people our voices, show them harmony in our performance and give a lot of happiness in their daily lives.

That night, I had a dream, and I met Angel again. The same dazzling light that cut my eyes, the same gentle and gentle hands that hugged me. But the voice of Angel, why was he so familiar to me?

 

- You see, I said that you will find many friends. You only need to smile more often and with your smile you will conquer the whole world.

- But what about the voice? I want to show what my voice is worth.

- With your voice you can give ear candy, and with a smile you can warm your hearts.

“Are you still by my side, Angel?”

“Closer than you think.” A test will come soon and you will need all the strength of spirit to overcome it. But I know that you can do it. You are a strong man, Tiffany.

 

When I opened my eyes the next morning, the dream that I dreamed came to my mind, and I was very surprised when I realized that Angel was talking to me in the voice of Jessica.

“Why are you looking at me like that, Tiff?” Is there anything left on my face? - wiping her lips with a napkin, asked Jessica, ending with breakfast.

- No, everything is fine, I just thought about it. Tell me, Jessi , have you been living here for a long time, I mean in Seoul?

- We moved here when I was 7-8 years old. Why do you want to know?

-Do you know a hospital like St. Monica in Seoul? - I was really curious, but what if the whole past about Angel is not an invention? Maybe Angel, I considered the girl sitting opposite me.

- I don’t know, I'm confused in the names. Tell me directly what interests you? - a friend became annoyed by stupid questions .

- It was just interesting to me and that’s all - I decided to leave it for later, so as not to completely spoil my girlfriend’s mood .

-Have breakfast, Tiffany, we should go to training soon.

We went to training together, the hostel in which we lived was divided into a two-bedroom room, so when I had to share with the neighbors, I chose Jessica, and Jessica chose me.

Our climb always began with difficulties, because Jessi was very fond of sleeping longer. I had to take any methods to solve this problem. They went into the entrance, even the most terrible and nasty. Jessica did not like the smell of cucumbers, but it was they who often lifted her out of bed. Then she begged forgiveness, but the result was worth it.

After training sessions, which ended late at night, we returned to the hostel together, sometimes on foot, if we still had strength, but more often than not we traveled by bus or metro.

When there was a free minute, we gathered all 9 and went to have fun. Using every minute to get even better about the future member before our debut.

***

When I turned 19, we debuted as the new SM female group of the company, called SNSD .

I appreciated and respected each of the girls with whom I had to live and work for many years. We quickly found a common language with the youngest participants, even managed to get used to the straightforwardness, which was more often manifested in SeoHyun when we ate not healthy food.

Taeyeon is the oldest of the participants, but of small stature and very white skin that she has to tint her eyebrows. Her voice - we all listened to her key in the voice, she coped with high notes perfectly. I can also take high notes, but so far my voice is not as stable as that of Taeyeon. Her mood depends on a reboot in the scale of happiness or sadness. She speaks like Ajumma, and her laughter is the same.

Jessica, she is still a mystery to me, even though I know how enchanting her voice is. The voice is so similar to an angel with a warm and touching heart. I also know that she does not like to rush anywhere. He likes to sleep, is afraid of ghosts, and hates mosquitoes and insects.

Doesn't like cucumbers. The joke comes to her for a long time, and when she comes, she begins to fill up with laughter, and for a long time she cannot stop. She always cares about her hair, likes to dress not catchy, but stylish.

Stop. It turns out I know about her not so little?

A sunny and energetic girl who came to our company later than the rest, but who won love from the first minute of her arrival. Sunny was the niece of the chief president of the company, but she never boasted of it, she worked as hard, with the same zeal as all of us. Sunny has the same smiley eyes as I have and so many ego that I sometimes want to hit when you hear him.

Our black pearl YuRi with hidden talent in a quiet voice. Her body proportions are something. I really say, I watched her dance many times and was shocked by what she saw. In addition, she hid a special talent in a silly dance.

HyoYeon, a fun and noisy girl with dancing skills. She so skillfully controlled her body in dance that sometimes it seemed to me that I saw a robot in front of me with perfectly honed movements. She often made us laugh with the wrong words or names, but you could always rely on her in terms of dance. In addition, we revealed in her an amazing talent for style in clothes.

SooYoung , sensitive girl with perfect proportions of tall stature. Model appearance, purity of heart and always tell the truth, even if this truth hurts. She was at first very modest, although she already managed to make her debut before all of us, though in a Japanese group of two girls. Their group did not hold out and quickly broke up. She had to undergo an internship again, but now she is with us, and I am very happy. The first shikshin in our group.

YoonA , the first maknae , and the second shikshin in our group. Actress Im YoonA was already known to everyone, but the singer Im YoonA was only recognized. Very hyperactive child. Her ego just rolls over 100%. Tall with beautiful thin wrists, a refined figure with long legs. One could call her ideal, if not for , when she laughs, opens it wide and everything is visible.

And finally, our second maknae, the most educated and courteous maknae SeoHyun . She has so many clever ideas and thinks so precisely, reports her thought in such a way that we sometimes understand that our judgments about this or that problem were insignificant, trifling. She reads a lot, leads an exemplary lifestyle, always eats right and her posture is always straight and straightened. Perfect maknae.

9 participants, of course I, Tiffany, with a loud and slightly hoarse voice. I don’t know Korean well; I’m poorly learning dance production. Very quiet and I have no sense of humor.

Into The New World.

For a whole year we have been learning dance and song. We could repeat it with our eyes closed, if necessary. We became synchronized in movements. Ideal in bends, voices harmoniously combined, we were ready for the beginning of our difficult journey.

We were given a chance to perform choreography; we were given a chance to show our song before the official debut. Everything was perfect.

Everything was until 05.08.2007, when I made an unforgivable mistake at the beginning of my career.

At our debut performance, when we officially represented our group SNSD with the song “Intro the new world ”, I, Tiffany, during the chorus, lowered my right hand down and my body went to the left, and not to the right, like the other girls.

For a long time I did not find a place after this mistake. Immediately, after the performance, she asked the girls for forgiveness, asked the manager, staff, director for forgiveness. I was very bad, because all the viewers only noticed my mistake. I wanted to fall through the ground, but I decided to prove that I can do better, to eclipse that mistake with my best performance.

And I proved, every time I proved that I can do better, and after six months of working together, we were able to erase that incident. Thanks to my members. Thanks to the leader for the words that helped me look at the problem from a different perspective. And thanks to Jessi for her warm support.

For those six months, I realized what custody and protection from Jessica means. She protected from the toughest comments that were leaked to the network. She always walked a little ahead of me, blocking her from bad looks, held her hand, and sat next to me. Always found excuses for my act.

For this, I am very grateful to her, because my self-esteem after that speech fell nowhere below. I was scared of people, afraid to look into their eyes. When at night I woke up in a cold sweat, Jessica most often appeared next to me , comforted, my head, hugged me, gently squeezing me to my body.

In these days, and she became for me, an angel in the flesh. From that time I began to appreciate her even more.

***

25 years. It's time to fall in love. To know in personal life what it means to be loved. I was invited to meet. I wondered for a long time whether to accept his proposals or refuse. We are both famous. We have both fans that may be unhappy with this situation. I consulted with the members what to do. Everyone except Jessica supported me:

- We will be there when a flurry of news about our relationship falls on our fans.

- Jessi , you will be with me, right? Will you support me? - I asked the girl who is still silent, the question I asked reminded me of a dream the last time I saw an Angel. I also asked Neo:

“Are you still with me?”

That the Angel in a dream, that Jessica in reality, did not tell me anything, just that warm light that surrounded me disappeared, and I really felt the cold at that moment.

Piercing cold.

The next day, the news of the relationship spread across the entire Internet, fans from all over the world found out about Tiffany and NickKhun, YoonA and Lee SeungGi, Sooyoung and Jung Ken. Also, information about the guy’s mistreatment with HyoYeon was floated.

All the fans were in shock. Someone began to react violently, someone fell silent. Netizen rejoiced at all and spat on the girls. They felt like kings on this stage, knowing that the fans are now in a stupor and will not be able to resist them.

I was afraid to open my page on social networks, I was afraid to see the emptiness there. These days, we needed the support of all members as never before. We wanted to hide behind their backs, to feel all the love and friendship in our relations with us. These days I was reaching for one member, but unfortunately, the girl whose attention I wanted so much rejected me.

For the first time I felt the nickname Ice Princess on myself. And she was only like that with me, with the rest of the girls her sweet and soft character was manifested. She ignored me, sometimes only greeted me or if it was necessary to convey something from the leader, I no longer heard a word.

I did not like this alignment; therefore, I decided to directly ask what was wrong.

I stole Jessica in the living room when there was no one left in the hostel except us. Someone else’s schedule didn’t end, someone went to the store for groceries, someone hanging out with friends, and someone met with his boyfriend. Actually, today I have an appointment, but I thought up a refusal to find out everything with my girlfriend.

I need to know what to do in order to return everything to its former state.

- Jessi , you do not like that I have a boyfriend?

-Why did you decide that? I'm happy for you.

-Then why don't I see this joy in your behavior?

-Everything seems to you, Tiffany. There is nothing like that. I'm happy for you.

-You repeated “I'm glad for you” twice, and you know, I don’t believe in the sincerity of your words. You are affectionate and affable with all the members, showing your sweet side, with everyone except me. Why are you doing this?

-I do as you do with me.” It may be selfish on my part, but I expected an apology from you, but you were silent, ignored it. I was offended by your behavior.

-What are you talking about, Jessi ? What have I done wrong?

-I always thought we were best friends ...

- …the way it is!

- If "the way it is," why did you say about NickKhun first Taeyeon, then Yuri, Hyoyeon , Sunny, Yoona and Seohyun? I found out about her last.

-I couldn’t do that; you were in that room when I announced the news.

-She came later, the manager detained me, I went into the room when you all hugged. Noticing me, you just pulled into a hug. My ignorance continued until the next evening, when you came to me and asked what to do with the current situation. And only then, from your lips, did you learn about the wonderful news.

- Jessica ...

- Sorry, I have nothing more to add, and honestly sort things out with you there is no time. Tomorrow my schedule starts at 5 in the morning, so that you yourself understand. Good night, Tiffany.

- Jessi , I'm sorry, I really thought you were then with everyone. My thoughts didn’t offend you. Sorry.

***

I offended the closest person in my life.

Wounded her.

Over time, she forgave me, but the sediment of guilt remained hanging between us.

While we, as a group, conquered different countries, rising one notch higher, there was a discord in our personal lives. And the dreams became strange. I used to sleep without dreams, only sometimes something slipped, now all the old memories of the past have returned. Each time the moment of the first meeting with the Angel was scrolled. And more and more often, the bright light that blinded my eyes waned and I saw the girl’s face in front of me.

 

- I, too, like you cried, because I considered myself lonely and useless to anyone.

- Why are you smiling now, although you have red eyes from tears?

- Found a friend, it's you, Mi-young .

-So dishonest, you know my name, but I am not yours.

- I introduced myself. As soon as I entered the ward. Maybe you just didn’t hear him? My name is Soo-yeon .

-But you still know my American name!

-You know her too, Tiffany. You know her very well.

For some reason I woke up in tears. I wanted to see Jessica faster to feel the warm light that always came from her. In her eyes, I always knew that they loved me, and someone needed me.

***

My romance did not last long. A year and a couple of months. By mutual agreement, we parted. At the sight of her, I held on, but sobbed behind the cameras, when I did not need to hold my face. The activities of our group saved me. All my thoughts were clogged with work, again hard training, creating a video and a song. When even work did not help, members came to the rescue, friends. Jessica was around these days, yes, we became one again. I'm so happy! In my misfortune, I regained happiness.

***

I am now 27 years old. 8 years of our joint activity. And we have since since been on the top of the chart . Our  Sone is the brightest and brightest. Their hearts I always see and hear. They are our strength and our support.

***

I am now 28 years old and I am a solo singer Tiffany. I am very grateful to the president for allowing me to show my talents in solo performance. I used to perform with Taeyeon and SeoHyun in a compiled subgroup.

Together we released a couple of albums, came up with new pieces for the dance, we were given permission to add our ideas for making a video. I have a lot of new learned when we worked together. From talk obsessed in terms of stage costumes and accessories. Absolutely everything became interesting to me.

Working on a solo album, she opened up new possibilities in vocals. Honestly, I didn’t think there were so many surprises in my voice. It seemed to me that I know myself better than anyone else, but apparently not.

To shoot the video for the two title songs that I wanted to introduce to my fans, I had to go to Los Angeles. My house was empty when I returned after a hard day.

Empty and lonely. At such moments, I wanted to call my members, hear their voice, and hear what they were doing all day, their plans for tomorrow. She called everyone, everyone answered me, but after our conversation ceased, she again found herself alone. She the TV, having ordered food beforehand, watched films.

One of those evenings, they rang my doorbell. Before I reached my door, I felt warmth and comfort surround me. My fingers trembled nervously as they squeezed the door handle; my heart was waiting with a sinking breath

- Jessi ... Taeyeon ? - The booming heartbeats returned to their normal rhythm.

- Hi. Will you let me in? - Indeed, the group leader and best friend Kim Taeyeon stood behind the door of her house . - I'm sorry that without warning, we were here on our schedule and decided to drop by you before leaving for Seoul. Don't shut, Sunny and Sica are coming.

The calm rhythm of the heartbeat went off scale again, it was worth hearing the name Jessica . Tiffany did not know why this was happening to her, but recently, especially after coming here, she really missed her . Yes, she called her back on the phone and via Skype, but to see her here “oh my god, Jessi ”.

- We have a short time, our plane one and a half hours, so , is there any food? Honestly, we are very hungry.

- I have only pizza and wings, I ordered only for myself.

- It's okay, don’t worry, we stopped at a restaurant on the way here and ordered food. And here are the girls! Quickly put everything here on the table. What a delicious smell!

-Hi, Tiff / Fanny, - her friends greeted, coming in and bringing food inside. “I hope we didn't bother you?” Sunny asked, picking out vegetables and a drink from the bag.

- What did you watch? What movie? Titanic? Again? - Leaving a bag of food on the table, Jessica walked into the living room, looked at the frozen screen. - Not “Titanic” - “Runaway Bride”, an excellent choice. Why are you standing still, Tiff, didn’t expect guests, right? - Softly smiled at her friend, returning to the kitchen. Passing by her gently hugged and kissed on the cheek. - Do not stand by the pillar, help to set the table, we are really very hungry.

“How did you end up here?” - The voice was interrupted from experiences. - What did you do here?

- Advertising and photo shoot. With the same brand for perfume. Taengoo is an advertisement, we are a photo shoot ...

That evening my house was filled with laughter, loud voices and jokes. And even though they arrived only for an hour and a half, but this time was precious to me. Their mere presence gave me the strength to move on. All my confidence is back again.

***

«Are you still by my side?"

From childhood, I repeat this question to a voice without a face. I was curious to know if everything was not fiction, whether I was talking with a real person or all the deception of my thinking. A fictional friend, with an angelic voice and soft warmth that enveloped me, was he true or false?

The angel in my dreams always answered:

" I'm closer than you think ."

I have scrolled this answer over and over again, checking it for all the applicants, but most of all it suited Jessica. Her Korean name is Soo-yeon, as in one of my past dreams. Next to her, I feel warmth and comfort. Maybe it's time to find out the truth?

I am now 29 years old, even if everything turns out to be fiction, I will not be upset, I will simply laugh at myself and go on.

If it turns out to be a reality?

What if Jessi was my Angel all the time?

Will this change something between us?

Will I relate to her differently? Not. Jessi has long become an Angel for me, for me it is a bright light that leads me only forward.

Should I even ask?

I am now 29 years old, why bother with the past?

It’s not necessary to stir up the past, but my thoughts will eat me up if I don’t know the truth.

Where did all your confidence go, Hwang Mi-young?!

Get together!

It is time not to backtrack on an unresolved issue.

You are 29 years old.

***

I am 30 years old and finally my past can be closed with a confident answer:

-My dear man, thank you for always standing behind me, not letting me fall or break. Thank you for always, under any circumstances, you always protected and protected me. Always been there, supported all my erroneous decisions. She loved me; she cared in her own way. Even in a quarrel, when our paths parted, I still felt your warmth. I would like to keep this feeling for a long time.

-Whom do you think there, Tiff? Me or who? Ha-ha-ha-ha ... Stupid, you need to say thanks to Angel, and in each of your thanksgiving speech, I hear about myself. Start over.

- And how do I start, can you give me an idea?

- You’re our generator of ideas, so think. I'd rather sit here and listen.

- You have to wait a long time until there is no sensible thought.

- I waited 23 years; half an hour does not change anything.

-Do you think I can manage in half an hour, Jessi?

- No difference. I will always be with you, just look around and see me.