Every other moment

There were many moments leaving me speechless. The kind of speecheless where you choke on your breath and can't even think of words fitiing for the situation. I don't think I would be able to rank them.To give them diifferent values. To decide which one is more important for me. Which one had more of an impact on myself. So many Situations lining up to that one fateful moment. Little coincidences and decisions forming one moment. Well, maybe fateful is a little bit exaggerated. But they are influencing, imprinting and stirring. That they are for sure. Mostly you don't know what you will be facing next and suddenly you slip into that moment without even noticing. Like opening the door and being confronted with the image of your  boyfriend kissing the soft skin of another girl.

Well. She was beautiful. Dark, long hair which would look stunning in my opinion, if it wasn't sprawled all over my side of the matress. And equally dark eyes with a slight note of caramel in them, widened in bliss. She had soft facial features. Unlike me. I would describe myself as elegant, but fierce. More harsh than hers. That is also what he muttered describing me. She wore red lipstick once, but it was all blurred and smeared around her lips and on his body. All over his body, reaching down, meeting his hips. Her long earrings glittering in the warm,dim light of the lamp on the desk beside the bed. Creating a certain kind of atmosphere. It was mostly silent beside her silent whimpers and other familiar groans.

The Rain was hitting the window every other moment. They were slow. They weren't just ing, they made love. Real love. Every reaction was comitted to memory before, they knew each others bodies as well as their own. Something cracked inside me but I couldn't move. They did not notice me the whole time, too immersed in their own activity. I heard breaths. Breaths and groans getting louder and her moans, which reached a new level of intensity. And while both of them reached their together I woke up. Do we also look like this? When we do it? Does he also observe me like this?
I looked at him and his face with those disorted facial expressions. He was lost in the moment. Her freshly-made hickeys mingling with mine on his neck from a few nights before. His back adorned with scratch marks, reminding me of the feeling of his firm skin under my own touch.

I tried not to make a sound. I did not cry,breath, gulp or move in any way. I despreately tried, but the moment I heard him whisper a different name than mine, the moment he came, I lost my compusure and dropped those damned keys.

 
Those hellish keys which still lingered in my hand from opening the door and coming home. After two days at my parents home. After visiting my familiy at home I only wanted to hug him and tell him about my family -our family- and obviously that was a different kind of greeting than expected. They heard the keys. Of course they did and I felt the urge to run. I did not want to see his eyes. His broad  back was still facing me but he started to move his head towards my direction slowly. It wasn't in slow-motion but honestly, it did feel like it. His deep almost black eyes meeting mine. I looked at him, not moving an inch. He held his breath, the situation catching up with him. And I felt anger stirring up within me the first time as shock could be seen in his eyes. Anger, but also some kind of numbness. Disgusted. That's what I should feel now, but I couldn't be disgusted at them ,because they were happy, contented with each other, leaving me fascinated and also disbelieving. And also speechless. Creating another moment of me realizing that it was not worth to fight.

But there's that thing with moments. The end. At one specific point in that whole mess, the single moment , full of slow-motion and realization has to end. And when that happens you have to face all these consequences. His hair was a beautiful mess. He looked slightly different than when he has been sleeping with me. But I couldn't exactly grasp what it was. I blinked once, twice and got the keys from the ground. I looked at them for one last time without saying one single thing during the whole time and reached to close the door. Moving one step backwards. Slowly. I blinked once again. His eyes still connected with mine. But now with a different kind of expression in them I couldn't understand. Was that regret? My Movement stirred something inside him and he literally slipped out of her in a hurry and tried to reach the door to stop me from leaving. But before he could reach me I swiftly  closed the door and locked it from the outside. His desperate eyes trying to deliver a message I absolutely did not want to understand shortly before disappearing behind the wood.

''Johnny, who was that?'', I heard a croaky female voice behind those solid, closed doors. Still lingering behind the closed piece of wood between us. I flinched at the sound of thumps against the door. That's exactly what I asked myself that moment. Who was that ,Johnny Seo? Who is the person you enjoy ing so much, which obviously is not me. I took a deep breath and listened to the sound of his rapid breathing and the pounding against the door. I remained silent. After some time, he stopped hitting the door. I perceived small breathless cries on the other side. Don't cry. Don't you dare to do that after ing everthing up. After making a mess out of both of us. You have no right. You have no ing right. A single tear escaped my eyes, tasting salty.

''No, Ten.'' His voice full of regret and grief reached my ears and left goosebumps all over my skin. His little subs echoing against the walls of the other rooms left me speechless. His broken voice left me speechless. The whole situation left me speechless. I thought of our moments. Those other little moments which left me speechless. Our first meeting at the last year of high school. Where you looked so absolutely stunning I couldn't comprehend why you were interested in me. Our first kiss in your old car after we went to the cinema, our first time getting intimate at your house in the morning after you won that football game. You whispered all those little secrets into my ear and made lovely, little promises. Our first vacation to visit my parents in Thailand. JOhnny they loved you and they were so happy for us that we found each other. My sister couldn't stop smiling while looking at us. Always holding her thumbs up and taking pictures of you secretly. And also our wedding in the late-summer with all our friends and our family. You took my hand that day. And again whispered lovely,little promises into my ear. When I decided to get another piercing and you also decided to get one in order to be matching. And our countless times on the couch together, watching movies and listening to the deepening of your breath, thinking of what to cook the next day, when we come home. That were our own moments.Our very own ones.

''Ten, Ten, Ten, don't go. . Ten. Don't go.'', some muttering going on. And if there wouldn't have been the door, we would have looked into our eyes. And I know I would lose myself again. I am strong, I know that, but love is all I connceted with that man. And still do. The thought is still strange. And I don't know what would have happened that evening if I would have stayed. If I would have heard to those cries and sobs ripping my chest apart. Actually talked to him. Actually tried to understand him. Tried to understand why he ed that girl on our matress in some dim light on some sunday evening, thinking I wouldn't come home for another three hours.

But that wouldn't have been me. I don't offer second chances. I did not want to see him, with those sad eyes. And so I took some rblue sticky notes out of my bag that evening, still being placed in there from my flight home. And I grabbed a black pen and left him a note on those little pieces of paper. I plastered them on the door, making little scratching sounds with my nails against the surface while doing that and I heard Johnny starting to call my name again.Softly, with longing and regret. I left after that. Grabbing my bag and leaving for taeyong's, holding back the tears. I left to the sound of Johnny calling my name with desperation and rain hitting the window every other moment.

''Well, that is how our moment ends.''- T