“I am sorry.” 

 

I lower my head, not daring to look at you. I am a mess and I know it. But each time, you always forgive me. 

 

“Go wash up, you stink.” 

 

You turn around and walk out of the room, leaving me alone feeling ashamed of myself. 

 

I walk to the bathroom, freshening up myself. I did stink, I stink alcohol and cigarette.

 

‘She came back drunk again?’

 

‘As usual.’ 

 

I can hear the disappointment in her voice.

 

‘She is no good for you Yoo, she never changed did she.’

 

‘I can’t just leave her like that too. She will change.’

 

‘When will she change?! She has been like that for years! She wasn’t like that when you two started dating.’

 

I flinched at Siyeon’s loud voice. I feel more ashamed of myself. I want to come out of the room, but I am too afraid to face her. So I stay as I listen to them talking.

 

‘I know eonni, it’s okay. I am okay.’

 

‘You are hurting yourself, Yoohyeon. Is she even worth it?’

 

‘I love her…’

 

‘This love is not healthy.’

 

‘I will be okay.’

 

‘I don’t know anymore. I am leaving.’

 

I heard the front door got slammed. Siyeon must have left. So I walk out of the room, acting clueless, and I ask.

 

“Who is that?”

 

“Siyeon eonni. Sit, drink your soup.” She said, not looking at me. My heart sting.

 

“You are not working today,” I asked as I settle down.

 

“I am going out with Minji eonni later. I asked her to accompany me for buying something.” 

 

“Ohh… I see.”

 

Smoke in my lungs

I’ve got liquor on my breath

I know it ain’t fair girl

When you need me I ain’t there

 

I went to work after you left. I don’t know why but I am hurting. It was never like this, but it started when I overheard yours and Siyeon’s conversation this morning. 

 

I met Yubin when I went for a break at the café nearby. She asks if I am still with you, and yes I said. 

 

She shakes her head,  ‘Leave her if you love her. You are hurting her.’  She told me. 

 

When I went back to my office, HanDong, my manager, and also your best friend, she called me into her office. 

 

She scolds me, for coming home drunk again. I guess Siyeon told her. I apologize, but she said,  ‘It is not me you should be apologizing to.’  And she dismissed me. 

 

You are lucky Yoohyeon, you have so many friends around you that care for you. But I guess I deserve it, I asked for it after all. 

 

But when I’m at my lowest, who I run to?

Don’t matter the problem it’s always you

Give me no reason to question you

 

We became more distance as times by. You started to go out more often, with Minji or Siyeon. And I became the opposite, I stayed in, try hard not to drink, and not to give into my addiction. 

 

Months passed and I stop drinking, even though I couldn’t just quit my smoking habit, but I stop drinking. I never came back home drunk, and I am always sober.

 

But where are you? I have a lot of things I want to tell you, my grief, my pain. That is why I am drinking in the first place because I thought I can drink my pain away. 

 

You were always there when I am down when I am at my lowest. But now you were nowhere to be found. 

 

Eventually, we are falling apart. You moved out. 

 

So when I’m in the hills

Make sure I enjoy that view

When I’m counting dollar bills

You know imma always split it with you

And I know that if I fall, you gon’ jump in too

Girl just know that if you go, ain’t no replacing you

 

You were happier after you moved out. Your friends also think that you deserve to be happy rather than being stuck with me. And they are not wrong.

 

After you left, I distance myself. I stop drinking, even smoking. I tried to change, and I can say I made it. 

 

I went straight back home after work. And I made it to work on time every morning. You know what, even my colleague is surprised. 

 

We never really put our relationship to an end, but I didn’t dare to say that we are still in a relationship. On a break maybe? But do you think the same?

 

“Bora, can I talk to you?” HanDong snapped me back to reality when she called me. I didn’t realize I was spacing out. I stand up and walks into her office.

 

“Yes? Do you need anything?”

 

“How are you?” she asks.

 

“Me? I am okay, though I haven’t don’t with the project you asked me to do. I will get it done by this week.”

 

“That aside… How are you?” She asks the same question.

 

“I…” words stuck on my throat.

 

“She is happy.” She said.

 

“I know, and I glad she is.”

 

“But, are you?”

 

“As long as she is happy, I am okay. It’s my fault. I hurt her.”

 

“But you are hurting, Bora.” I just look down, no word coming out from me.

 

“Try talking to her. You have to settle this sooner or later. Either you get her back, or you end everything.” She said.

 

Her words keep on playing inside my mind, it seems like I should call her sooner or later. Maybe I should let her go. It’s better this way.

 

You say that I’m selfish, get it all off your chest

If we’re being honest, without you I’m a mess

Cuz when I’m at my lowest, oh I run too

Don’t matter the problem it’s always you

 

I called that night, and you pick up right away.

 

“Hello,”  You said, and I can hear the excitement in your voice, but correct me if I am wrong.

 

I didn’t say anything for a few seconds. Because I don’t know what to say, I didn’t expect you to pick up. 

 

“Hello?”  You said again, and this time you seem annoyed. So it’s either you figured out that it was me calling, or…

 

“I don’t know who you are, but if you are not going to say anything I will hang up.”  I heard you say. It hurts. Seems like you are moving on, and you didn’t even have my phone number anymore.

 

“Yoohyeon! Faster, or we are gonna be late for the movie!”

 

“Okay! Wait, babe. Sorry I will hang up if you are not going to talk.”  And she cut off the line.

 

Seems like you have moved on. You found your happiness. 

 

For the next few days, I took the day off from my job. And Handong gave it to me without asking anything. I promised her that I will send the file she asked me to do when I am finished with it and she said no rush. 

 

I didn’t go anywhere, I just stayed at home. And when I decide to go out that one night, I regretted it. 

 

“Bora?” you called my name.

 

I don’t want to turn around, I want to just walk away. But my body betrayed me, and so here I am face to face with you.

 

You became more beautiful, though you always are. You became happier, and that smile, the smile that I missed the most. The smile that I fall in love with.

 

“Hey…” I wave awkwardly.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“Just looking around…” 

 

“Are you alone? Want to come along? Minji eonni and Siyeon eonni is also around.” she asks me.

 

I don’t have the guts to face the others, so I refuse, told her I will just buy some take out dinner and went home.

 

I can see the disappointment in her eyes, but I shook it off, maybe I saw it wrong.

 

“Babe, what took you so long?” someone walks toward us, and holds Yoohyeon’s hand.

 

“Ah, sorry, I met someone I knew.” Ohh… Someone she knew… I guess this is it.

 

“Have fun.” I said, and I turn around, walks away without looking back.

 

I hope she treats you better than I ever did. You deserve to be happy.

 

So when I’m in the hills

Make sure I enjoy that view

When I’m counting dollar bills

You know imma always split it with you

And I know that If I fall, you gon jump in too

Girl just know that if you go, ain’t no replacing you

 

*knock knock*

 

I heard someone knock on the door the next morning. I walk to the door lazily and open the door. 

 

“We need to talk.” 

 

Siyeon and Minji walks in without asking for my permission. And they just sat there in the living room waiting for me to also sits across of them.

 

“We knew you met her last night. We also knew you refuse to join us last night. Why?” Minji looks at me. 

 

“I just went there to buy take out… I didn’t plan to stay out for long.” I said.

 

“You are avoiding her now, huh. Have you ever tried to call her?” Siyeon stares at me.

 

“I tried… but it seems like she didn’t even save my number anymore. She asked who I am when I called.” 

 

“What?!” Siyeon looks at me.

 

I shrug, “Besides she looks happy now, with that girl I saw yesterday.”

 

“If you are talking about the small girl with long black hair, she is my little sister, and she is Yubin’s girlfriend.” 

 

“Oh…” 

 

“Oh? That’s it?”

 

“What do you expect me to say, Minji!” I got annoyed.

 

“I want you to talk to her! To make it clear! You should tell her if you need her, don’t leave her hanging!” 

 

“She is hurting if she stayed… I don’t want to hurt her, she didn’t deserve it!”

 

“Then make it up to her, treat her better than before, love her. She never stops waiting for you, because she loves you too much, Bora.” 

 

*click* 

 

The three of us looks at the door, who could open the door of my apartment.

 

“Eonni?” Yoohyeon walks inside. Setting down the plastic bag she brings along, she looks at us.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“We are leaving, you two! Talk!” Minji said sternly.

 

And when the two of them left, silence engulfs between us. No one dares to speak.

 

Ain’t no replacing, ain’t no replacing you

 

“I’ve heard from Dongie… why didn’t you said it was you when you called? Why the silent calls?” you started.

 

“I…”

 

“My phone is broken, and I lost all my contact. I saved your number after that night, and I know the next time you called. I just want to wait and see, if you dare to speak to me. But I guess you will never speak. So I figure that I will be the one coming to you.”

 

“Come back to me… I am a mess without you…”

 

“And why do you think I am here now?”

 

“Guide me back in the right way, please cope with me one more time. I...” my words got cut off when I feel her lips on mine.

 

“You talk too much, Bora. You know I will never leave you.” She said, kissing me one more time.

 

“You also know you can’t be replaced.” I smile into the kiss.