She once told me, that she is afraid to fall in love, that she is afraid of getting hurt. 

 

I told her, love sure is beautiful, but can also hurt. It’s all up to us to play the game. 

 

She told me,  ‘The reason I don’t want to love is because I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to be left alone. Like what they did to me. And on the other side, I am afraid to trust.’

 

I told her,  ‘You can always trust, depend on how deep you want to trust somebody. You have to be honest to yourself, and also to the other too if you want the other to be honest and trust you too.’

 

I met her years ago, we live in the same apartment block. At first, I thought she was a very cold girl. If stares could kill, her stare can kill you. 

 

I tried to talk to her, but she avoided me every time I walked up to her. 

 

After a year of me walking up to her, only to be avoided, she finally talks to me. Lee Yubin is her name and she is 2 years older than me.

 

She wasn’t the type that talk much, and I am the opposite. I like to talk to people, and I like to make friends. 

 

She bottled up her problem and won’t share it with anyone, she cries alone when she is feeling down. But I am the type to talk it out and let it all out when I have problems. 

 

She likes dark colors, and I like colorful things. She likes rock music, and I like cheerful music. 

 

We are the total opposite, but we are a friend. Even I am amazed as to how we became close. 

 

My sister told me,  ‘opposites attract’.  Maybe she is not wrong. Opposite did attract. 

 

No, we are not dating each other. I wish we were, but she is not ready and I want to respect that. 

 

Years of us knowing each other, we grew closer. My feeling for her deeper, and I know somewhere deep inside her, she also has the same mutual feeling as mine. But I know she is afraid, and I don’t want to push it.

 

‘Gahyeon-ah… I am sorry.’  She told me one night when we hang out together watching movies at her apartment. I looked at her confused.  ‘I am sorry for letting you wait, leaving you hanging without any certainty.’  She whispered. 

 

I hold her hands tight, assuring her it’s okay and I can wait. And she silently cries into my embrace, for the first time since I knew her.

 

She said, “Baby, I’m afraid to fall in love

‘Cause what if it’s not reciprocated?”

I told her, “Don’t rush girl, don’t you rush

Guess it’s all a game of patience”

 

She works at her garage that she owns when I go to school. And she will pick me up after school when my sister can’t make it. 

 

My sister doesn’t like her at the beginning, but my sister, being the same outgoing person as I am, she learns to accept her soon enough. Even though she still hates the fact that she picks me up after school by bike. It’s dangerous, she said. 

 

I like it when she picks me up because it means I can hug her tight. She hates it in the beginning, but now she is fine with it. 

 

Yubin is not the type that likes to be touch, she hates skinship she said. And I am the type that likes to hug and hold other people’s hands. She is okay with it now, only if it is me who touches her and that makes me happy. 

 

She started to open up little by little. She started to smile more, though she turns back to her usual poker face when we stare at her. And she accepted my friends' existence in her life. 

 

My friends, they like Yubin. They said she is a cool person, and she is a good listener. Though she nags a lot, deep inside she cares. 

 

The more we know her, the more we found out, Yubin nags a lot. But she only did it to one person, her same age friend, clumsy Kim Yoohyeon.

 

I am finally graduating from high school, and I told her I will move to Seoul to attend university. She looks at me,  ‘Be careful, and take care of yourself.’  She said. But I can see the sadness in her eyes. 

 

I told her my sister and Yoohyeon will also come along with me to Seoul, and I can see her smile sadly. 

 

It’s the day of our departure. She promised me that she will see us off, and so I am waiting at the train station. But she hasn’t shown it. I looked down, tears threatening to fall. She won’t come, I thought. But then,

 

“I will be coming with you no matter where you go. From now on you have to it up having me beside you all the time.” She said. 

 

I look up, and there she stands, tickets on her right hand, and luggage on her left. I run to her and hug her tight. I can see my sister and Yoohyeon smiling from behind her, and I know they will tease me after this. But I could care less, as long as I have Yubin beside me. 

 

“Are you sure? What about your garage? What about your bike?” I asked. 

 

“What about it? I can start a new one, and I sent my bike to Seoul.” She said.

 

She said, “What if I dive deep?

Will you come in after me?

Would you share your flaws with me? Let me know”

I told her, “Thinking is all wrong

Love will happen when it wants

I know it hurts sometimes, but don’t let it go”

 

It’s been a year since we moved to Seoul. We rent an apartment that is big enough to accommodate all 4 of us, with my sister Siyeon, sharing a room with her now girlfriend Yoohyeon, and I share the other with Yubin. 

 

We met new friends, our neighbors, Kim Minji, and her girlfriend Kim Bora. And also another neighbor, an exchange student from China, HanDong. 

 

Yubin changed a lot in this one year, she started to open up more and smile more. She sometimes plays with us, joke with us, and she didn’t keep everything bottled up inside her anymore.

 

Instead, she talked it out, and she shares the most with Minji and Bora, aside from me of course.

 

Our relationship didn’t change. Platonic relationship, that is what we called it. And I am okay with it as long as she is happy. I don’t want to force things when she is not ready.

 

One night, she asked,  ‘Why are you so patience, still waiting for me even though I let you hang for so long. It’s been years and you are still there for me. I have a lot of flaws, why don’t you just let me be, and find someone else that is way better than me?’

 

We were laying in our bed, so I move to hug her, and I whispered into her embrace, loud enough for her,  ‘Love is a game of patience, and so I will wait no matter how long it will take. Besides, no one can make me feel the way I feel for you. Security, warmth. And Yubin, don’t think too much, love will happen when it wants, it hurts sometimes but know one thing, I will not let go, so… don’t let go of me too.’  

 

She sobs, and I hug her tighter, in which she hugs back. And like that, we drift into slumber feeling each other warmth.

 

She said, “What if I tell you all the things I’ve done?

Would you run away from me?”

I told her, “Baby, we all got bags full of that we don’t want

But I can’t unpack it for you, baby”

 

“I want to be honest with you. I want you to know more about me. But can you promise me one thing?”

 

“What it is, Yubin? And you don’t have to do this if you don’t want too.”

 

“I want too. I need to let it out. And I want you to promise me, that you will not leave me after this.”

 

“I promise.” I hold her hands, assuring her. She takes a deep breath and sighed.

 

“I was 5 when my mother left me, she left me and ran away with another man. She left me and my father alone because she can’t stand my alcoholic father.” She started to get teary.

 

“My father, he never worked. He gambles and drinks, he is always drunk when he got home. He hit me every time he saw me. Until one night…” she chocked. 

 

I hold her, telling her to stop if she is uncomfortable. It hurt me seeing her like that. But she shakes her head,  ‘I am okay, and I need to let it out.’  She said.

 

“I killed him.” She continued. I just hold her, tight, comforting her, telling her it’s okay.

 

“I am a killer Gahyeon-ah… I killed my father.” She cried, hard.

 

I hug her, “It’s okay, he deserves it, and even if you didn’t do it, I will do it for you if he is still alive.” I comfort her, her hair, telling her it’s okay with my lame joke. 

 

She chuckles, “No, I don’t want you to stain your hands for me. I am not worth it.” she said. 

 

“Of course I will do that, Yubin. I will do it if I saw him.” I look at her straight in her eyes.

 

“And you are okay with it?” she looks at me, uncertainty showing in her eyes.

 

“We all have our flaws, we all have our dark past. No one is perfect so who am I to judge? I am more than happy that you want to share it with me, your flaws, and your dark pasts. I won’t judge you because of that, I won’t judge you because of the things you did in the past. You are who you are now, and that matters.” 

 

“Don’t let me go, Gahyeon-ah. Hold me please, keep me, don’t leave me.”

 

“And why would I do that? If I want to, I already did it long ago.”

 

She wipes her tears, and she hugs me tight.

 

“You are stuck with me, like it or not. Because I won’t let go of you, not now, not forever.” 

 

‘Cause I want you

I want

I want... want you