By: bubblemysebooty

Parings: Jaebeom x Jinyoung

Rate: PG13

‘it’s Groundhog Day’

‘It’s what?’ Jaebum asked, looking up from his monitor at the colleague sat opposite him in the office. 

‘Groundhog Day. It’s a film.’ 

‘I haven’t seen it.’ Jaebum said, eliciting a sigh from the other. 

‘There’s this guy, self-centred , who wakes up the next day to realize that it’s not the next day, it’s the same day. Then he begins living the same day over and over again and he can’t get out of this loop. Working in this office, it’s like that.’ He explained, reclining his black chair slightly. Jaebum gave a grunt of agreement. ‘Same day, same . At least me and my wife are moving at the moment, so there’s something to invest myself into. Or I think I’d go crazy.’ 

‘Right.’ Jaebum looked back at his monitor, at the architectural lines of a new office block to be.  It didn’t look that different from the last office he had designed. God did he miss University, when he was encouraged to be creative not functional with his buildings. 

          It was at University where he’d met Jinyoung. Jinyoung worked in the campus coffee shop and at some point Jaebum stopped going there to just get his flat white and started going to get the flat white from the cute barista (which meant going without coffee till after 11, which was when he started). It had taken him 3 months, 2 weeks and 4 days of over the counter flirting to finally pluck up the courage to ask him on a date and to his relief he had said yes. They’d gone out for dinner after Jinyoung had closed up and it had gone well enough for a second dinner date. Then they’d gone to a winter festival and watched the fireworks together. And finally, they went for a drive which ended up at Jaebum’s student accommodation for their first kiss and what felt like the real beginning of their relationship. By the end of his graduation they’d moved in together and Jinyoung had moved to a different coffee shop in the high street which offered more hours to cover the income gap while Jaebum looked for a postgraduate job. Finally, he got a job for the council and Jinyoung reduced some of his hours to take care of the apartment and continue building a library in their sitting room. And that is where the story goes stagnant. He’d gotten the job at 23, 2 years ago, and every day since had been pretty much the same, including every day with Jinyoung. And Jaebum was sick of it. Groundhog Day sounded just about right. 

          No that’s not completely true, something had changed this year. They’d started fighting. It all started when Jinyoung made soft spicy tofu stew for dinner, again. It had been Jaebum’s favourite, once upon a time, and so Jinyoung made it often but now he was sick of it. Just like he was sick of everything else. So, he had just stared at it and not eaten it, and Jinyoung had started fussing over him and asking if he was sick and Jaebum had just snapped at him. He couldn’t remember exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of how oblivious Jinyoung was to everything.  That was their first fight, and it certainly wasn’t the last. 

Jaebum stayed at work an extra hour in the end. Not because he had a lot of things to get done, but because he just wasn’t ready to face Jinyoung yet. He knew an hour would be fine, but anything longer and the phone calls would start and there was nothing Jaebum hated more at the moment that the sound of his phone vibrating. Staying an hour extra was reasonable enough for Jinyoung, and it meant the bus back to their apartment would be quieter which was a valid excuse. Jaebum thought Jinyoung must have clocked that it was him that Jaebum was avoiding, but he hadn’t asked him and Jaebum hadn’t said, and sometimes Jinyoung seemed so blind to it all that it was possible he really did believe he was just working because he was busy. 

          Getting through the front door and out of the winter air, he dropped his bag and coat in the hallway and kicked his shoes off. He could smell the food, the same sort of food they’d been eating since they’d moved in, did he know how to make anything else? He went to their bedroom first, grabbing a change of clothes and taking a long shower. When he came out, the bag and coat had been moved to their proper places and there was steaming bowls of food on the table. Jinyoung was sat in the same chair he always sat in, reading a book from the same genre he always read. Same, same, same. 

          ‘Hey’ Jinyoung said, smiling up at him as though everything was fine ‘How was work?’

‘Same as it was yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that.’ Jaebum said, taking a mouthful of food before Jinyoung could think to kiss him hello. He just couldn’t conjure up the strength to pretend today. He could feel Jinyoung staring at him though, and it stopped him from taking another mouthful and forcing himself to look him in the eye. ‘What?’ he prompted, then let his gaze drop to Jinyoung’s hands. The book had been put aside and in his hands was a parcel wrapped in brown paper ‘what is that?’ 

‘Open it and find out’ he said, sliding it across the table to him. Jaebum stared at it for a few seconds before dropping his spoon with a clatter and picking it up with a disinterested sigh. 

‘Why?’

‘Just open it, Jaebum.’ Jinyoung said, picking up his spoon and pretending to eat. He did that a lot these days. Jaebum opened it to find a sketch of the two of them, copied directly from a photograph from a day trip they’d taken together. Jinyoung had drawn it, and Jaebum mentally noted that he hadn’t been gifted one of Jinyoung’s pieces since last year…since…since their anniversary.  The penny dropped just as he turned over the frame to see written on the back happy 5 years. 

          There were many ways Jaebum could have acted in that moment. He could have apologised. He could have thanked him and carried on with his food. He could have at least looked at Jinyoung. But he did none of those, instead, without looking up he said, ‘Did you know, they say the expiry date on love is 3 years?’ and then he dropped the picture, not flinching even when he missed the table heard it smash against the floor, and he got up and left. 

***

There was a place he liked to go. He’d found it after one of their fights, and Jinyoung knew nothing about it so it felt like a safe space. Sometimes, if Jaebum didn’t come home after their fights Jinyoung would come looking for him and so he’d had to find a place that was his. It was a little restaurant, and the best way to describe it would be warm. Everything was a wooden colour, and the lights emitted a comforting glow. The smell hit you first, and the heat second, and sometimes when it was cold, they put a real fire in the fireplace. It was open till late and served good coffee and comfort food, and they weren’t particularly busy, so they tended not to kick Jaebum out till close. It was owned by an elderly man who never asked questions, but who had clicked that Jaebum wasn’t the happiest of men and so he was always kind to him, bringing him coffee top ups, or beer if that’s what he had chosen to drink. He tried not to though, Jinyoung would just get onto him if he smelt of beer. 

          He didn’t want to eat, he had no stomach for it, so he got a coffee and sat in the corner. He wished he’d brought a sketchbook, all he really wanted right now was to work his craft. Architecture provided him with order and symmetry but the freedom to create something beautiful and something functional all at once, something that worked but had no boundaries. The same, but yet, never the same. He had that with Jinyoung once. 

          His phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out, removing the battery and placing the phone and the battery side by side on the table in front of him. He felt like he should feel something more than he did. He didn’t feel angry, not guilty, not relieved… he just felt nothing but apathy. How had his life gotten to this point already? He was only 25. What did he want? That seemed like a good place to start with tackling all of this. He wanted more freedom to design what he wanted; he didn’t want to keep designing office blocks for the council. Maybe he’d hand his notice in, figure it out from there on out. He could always go back to university and further his degree, become a postgraduate student. What else did he want? He didn’t want to see another one of Jinyoung’s yellow sticky notes on the fridge, he didn’t want to be nagged again about bins or books or mess. He didn’t want another one of his drawings next year. He wanted something new, someone interesting. Maybe this was the day he made that change, maybe it was time to leave Jinyoung, leave the apartment. He could even think about going back to university in a different city. 

          At some point, the coffee wasn’t cutting it and Jaebum switched to beer. Since his stomach was pretty empty, it didn’t take him long to feel the effects of it. It didn’t help though, he just felt physically numb as well as emotionally. Dragging himself up off the table, he tipped the owner generously and put his battery back in his phone. With the alcohol in his system, the cold was less biting and he sat on a low wall while his phone loaded itself back up. As soon as it found signal it began to vibrate, and he considered throwing it and leaving it here when he realised that the missed calls weren’t from Jinyoung. They were from Jinyoung’s mother. A sour taste in his mouth, he picked up the phone and called her. 

***

He got a taxi to the hospital, feeling much more sober than he had a few minutes ago, but frustratingly not sober enough. The hospital lights were bright, and his head was swirling and all of his was making his stomach churn. Any minute now he was going to be sick. Jinyoung’s Mother had said that they didn’t know why Jinyoung was wandering around this late at night, and Jaebum hadn’t told her because he’d have to tell her it was his fault. It was his fault. The words hit and run, and critical condition were spinning around his head like an echo, and he knew he didn’t want this. He had thought about leaving, yes, but that didn’t mean he wanted Jinyoung gone like this. 

          He sat with Jinyoung’s Mother and she held Jaebum’s hand, doing her best to comfort him. Jinyoung clearly hadn’t told her how cold Jaebum had been lately, and Jaebum didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or cry at that prospect. It seemed like forever, even though it couldn’t have been more than a few hours, and Jaebum managed to sleep through a couple of them on the uncomfortable faded red waiting room chairs, till someone came to talk to them. By this point Jaebum’s head was starting to pound, threatening a hangover. The doctor explained that Jinyoung had suffered bleeding in his head, and as a result was suffering amnesia. Jaebum couldn’t help himself, he laughed. The whole idea was so cliché, he’d seen this in a hundred dramas and read it in a hundred more books. The doctor didn’t laugh, neither did Jinyoung’s Mother. In fact, she began to cry. 

***

Over the coming days Jaebum proved himself unable to process this in any way. It wasn’t that he was dealing with it badly, or well, he just wasn’t dealing with it at all. He would go to work, go to the hospital, come home and sleep and start over with a casualness more fitting his previous way of life. And over those few days it became apparent that Jinyoung really had lost memories. It wasn’t all of them, Jinyoung knew who Jaebum was but it was like there was a gap. He knew Jaebum was his boyfriend, but all the memories that were supposed to accompany that were gone. Jaebum hadn’t ever really spent much time thinking about what made relationships what they were, but Jinyoung was proving that relationships were fundamentally built on memory. Without the memories, Jinyoung knew he was supposed to love Jaebum, but he just couldn’t. He didn’t remember meeting him, or the stomach fluttering first kiss, or the arguments that had come out of a journey made of memories. The way Jinyoung described it to him was ‘imagine you went to the shop and got yourself a nice shiny new boyfriend. They’re called a boyfriend, and they’re there to serve that purpose. But you just got this person and you don’t really know how loving them feels or how you’re supposed to do it because you just got it. Does that make sense?’.  

           The Doctor’s then decided it was best for Jinyoung if he went back to his normal life as best as possible. Work was out of the question but going home and doing things they always did together might prompt the memories to come back or at least he might feel more comfortable than in a hospital. Which meant Jaebum was now left facing the biggest dilemma of his life. He could use this as a chance to try and rebuild their relationship, or he could use this as a chance to let him go; tell his Mother it would be better for him to go with her and then he could start again. Afterall, Jinyoung had said himself he didn’t love Jaebum right? But the more he thought about it, tossing and turning on the sofa (Jinyoung didn’t want to share the bed with a stranger in an apartment he didn’t recognise) the more he realised he needed Jinyoung. This could be the chance to rekindle it for both of them. Because in a sense, wasn’t Jaebum suffering a sort of amnesia? He’d forgotten what it felt like to love Jinyoung too. He got up, giving up on sleep, to go and make himself a hot cocoa. The broken frame was on the side where he’d picked it up and left it to clean up the glass, and he held it and looked at it closely as he waited for the microwave to work its magic on his cocoa. The lump forming in his throat was so big it threatened to choke him, and he felt such an overwhelming sense of feeling that he couldn’t do anything except stare at it, his heart pounding away. Till finally, it gave him an idea. 

          Jinyoung walked into the kitchen the next morning with confidence, and for a minute it seemed as if it had all come back, Jaebum’s face must have portrayed that because Jinyoung said sheepishly ‘I know where the kitchen is instinctively, I just don’t know how I know’ followed quickly by a ‘what on earth are you doing?’

‘These are yours’, Jaebum explained, gesturing to the 6 framed drawings laid out on the kitchen table. ‘This is the first one you ever drew me’ he said, handing the first one to him. It was of Jinyoung winding a scarf around Jaebum’s neck ‘it was really cold that day, we’d only been together maybe a week or so. You told me off for not bringing a scarf and brought me one from the market.’ Jinyoung furrowed his brows and put it down to pick up the second one. ‘This was what you gifted to me on our first anniversary.’ It showed their legs tangled together in front of a fire, all the shadows pencilled in expertly ‘we went away to stay in a little lodge for Christmas, just the two of us.’ Reaching for the third one, Jaebum continued ‘and this is on the Brooklyn Bridge, another holiday. That holiday was also the first time we went abroad together, and my first time abroad ever. You were so excited to show me everything, and we had bagels pretty much every day’ he laughed a little, starting to really hope for something from Jinyoung but he was still just staring blankly at the drawings, not like someone who recognised anything he was looking at. But Jaebum was desperate so he kept on anyway. ‘And this one is from Milan. There was a bubble tea shop by the river. We joked that you couldn’t get more Italian than bubble tea one too many times that week. And this one is London. I don’t think you enjoyed that holiday so much…’ Jaebum admitted. That was when they had first started fighting. ‘And this one…’ Jaebum picked up the broken one, his stomach pooling with guilt, ‘you gave to me the night of the accident. I… I dropped it because I was being an . We were fighting. No that’s not true. You never raised your voice; in fact, you had been an angel. I was just being an ’. He handed it to him, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat as he swallowed down his guilt. ‘The drawing is from- ‘

‘The river. I remember… no… no I don’t remember everything but, it’s like… like déjà vu to look at it.’ Trying not to react too strongly, but unable to stop his excitement creeping into his voice, he suggested they went for a walk down the river. Retracing their steps. They had nothing to lose right? 

         They had some breakfast and then drove down to the river, parking a little further away so they had more distance to cover. The air was bitingly cold and as they got out of the car Jinyoung stopped Jaebum from walking to button up his coat properly. He stopped halfway down and let go, blushing and shoving his hands in his pockets ‘sorry I don’t know why…’ 

‘It’s okay.’ Jaebum said, buttoning it up the rest of the way, not being able to help the smile threatening to light up his face ‘you did the same thing when we got here last time.’ Except Jaebum had smacked his hands away… 

‘I did?’

‘Yeah you did. I don’t even think you thought about it, it’s just what you do.’ 

‘To everyone?’

‘I hope not’ Jaebum teased, nudging his shoulder into Jinyoung’s arm. ‘Shall we?’ he offered his arm, and Jinyoung hesitantly took it, resting his hand in the warm bit where his elbow bent. 

         As they walked down to the river Jinyoung asked him all sorts of questions. Not about the missing memories, but about Jaebum. About what music he liked, who was his favourite author, what was his favourite food, what did he do for his degree, what he did now. And as Jaebum answered, he listened like it was the most interesting thing in the world. ‘The truth is… I kind of hate it at the moment.’ 

‘Did I know this already?’ He asked, worried he had stepped into territory they were meant to avoid. 

‘No. No I don’t think I ever told you. I sort of kept a lot to myself lately. But the truth is, I hate my job. It doesn’t allow me freedom to design. It’s bog standard, same old , day in and day out. I want to revolutionise buildings, not create carbon copies.’

‘So why don’t you quit?’ 

‘I was thinking about it.’ He said with a shrug. 

‘I mean… now would be as good a time as any right? You have the perfect excuse to’

‘You want me to use your accident as an excuse?’

‘Sure’ Jinyoung said, smiling at him ‘at least something good will come of it right?’

‘What about money? Especially now you can’t work.’

‘I think we’ll work that one out.’

‘You’ve said that before…’ Jaebum said, more to himself than to Jinyoung. ‘When I first graduated.’

‘Was I right?’

‘Yeah’ Jaebum said, exhaling, ‘you were.’ 

‘I think that settles it then, don’t you?’ 

Shaking his head, a smile forcing its way onto his stiff face, he threw an arm over his shoulders and gave him a squeeze. 

‘Maybe. I’ll think about it.’ 

          They walked for a while, stopping every now and again to take in the view, till Jaebum’s stomach started to rumble, the cue to turn back. ‘There’s somewhere I want to show you.’ Jaebum said, opening the car door for him before getting into the driver’s seat. ‘It’s a little place, I’d been going there by myself lately, but I want to show it to you.’ 

‘But first I want to say something,’ Jinyoung said, turning in his chair to face Jaebum more, biting at his bottom lip anxiously. ‘I fell in love with you. And, and I truly believe with enough time I’ll fall in love with you again. But it’s going to take time, and I just want you to know if you want to walk away now, I’m giving you that opportunity. Guilt free.’ 

Jaw set firmly, Jaebum met his eyes. ‘Not a chance.’ 

***

Epilogue:

At some point, they stopped trying to get Jinyoung’s memories back. It started becoming unimportant, and unnecessary. Jaebum did quit his job, and Jinyoung would help him search for new ones. He was designing again, and Jinyoung was getting the chance to read his favourite books for the first time all over. They spent a lot of time at home together, enjoying each other’s company, talking till they couldn’t keep their eyes open anymore. At some point, Jinyoung let Jaebum back into their bed and for the first time in almost a year Jaebum slept with him in his arms. 

Not everyone gets the chance to fall in love with the same person twice. But both Jaebum and Jinyoung were given that chance. But more than that, Jaebum learnt to be content. Groundhog Day wasn’t so bad when every day was spent with Jinyoung by his side.